C, totally understand - too many 'helpful' people have asked me when I'm going to take my rings off and come to my senses. I've also heard this one, 'Z, he doesn't want to be with you, when are you going to get that through your head?' They mean well.
You make a nice point about starting/stopping marriage after only a few months. I feel it really would be like that, almost a new relationship after so much water under the bridge in these situations.
I'm very happy for you, the little signs that things are moving right between the two of you. You're not a fool for holding out hope. Looks like you've got some reason to.
The apprehension you mention - is it purely from feeling like 'don't eff it up now' with the DB and that pressure, or also from feeling like he might? Or that if things continue going well you'll still be on shaky ground again?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I'll try and speak for her, because my IC is working with me on the same thing. The force of will is the struggle of 'waiting it out' without relinquishing all control. Not saying that's bad, but in my case; I spend so much time trying to figure out my next move...should I text her this, what would she think, what if she calls, should I be strong and confident or show vulnerability, etc. etc. etc.
Basically, what IC says is I'm getting so emotionally involved in the future, that its preventing me from doing what I need to do today. She says W is living for the present w/o looking at the future at all; MCS is looking at the future w/o living in the present. Neither is especially healthy...my approach seems more logical, but logic got thrown out the door at BD.
Make sense? Basically, not sure your beliefs, but force of will is not going to ensure you get what you want.....the only thing that you need to focus on right now is having faith that the outcome will be what it will be and that outcome will be okay regardless of what it is. Its like the Rolling Stones song..."You can't always get what you want.......but you'll find you'll get what you need."
I need to heed my own words here
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
What's nice with BD is that you don't have to tell people that you're still pining for your M. You give him space, move on, GAL, do it for you, etc. For those who know I hope to reconcile, I gain their support by observing that I'm doing the exact same thing as if I had given up. For those who don't know, well there's nothing about my public behavior that suggests I am hopeful.
If people ask me point blank if I still hope to reconcile, I pause and say: "Well, it's only been four months after a 10-year relationship, so perhaps yes, I'm not completely detached, but I guess it's a process." Also, if they ask if the S is permanent, I reply: "Was my M permanent?"
You might have the same problem my IC sees in me: We seek validation of our thoughts. I love to tell my story in a way that convinces people of my perspective. I know it because everyone ends up telling my that W is immature, that this R with OM can't last, etc. As much as I want, I can't tell another story. I've no hesitation telling them "she's with a colleague she had met a month earlier and he's 10 years younger than me" but I very rarely can say "A month before, she wrote me that she was miserable and wanted to find a way to take a break without hurting each other."
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Hi everyone: thanks for stopping in. I would like to respond to all of you tomorrow, especially MCS who gave me a new perspective. I appreciate you all for coming in and checking in. I'm in a weird place right now.
I have a general question that's been rumbling around in my head. H has a habit of self deprecating comments, especially when resolving conflict. Ex: I'm sorry I didn't do x, I'm a bad person/husband, etc.
I don't feel like H is a as person, at all. I realize this stems from self confidence, but realize that he may feel that way because of me, perhaps perceiving that he's not living up to my expectations or what not.
How would one go about handling statements like that? I don't feel like it would be appropriate to validate, "yes, I can see why you feel like a bad person." But I feel if I say, "I don't feel like you're a bad person, that in a way, I'm not listening to him or imposing my thoughts and opinions on him. Which could be considered controlling?
My thought is, next time this statement comes up could I say, "I don't see you as a bad person, could you help me understand why you feel this way?"
Thoughts?
I look forward to posting to you all tomorrow. Again, thank you. :-)
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I wonder if its subconsciously meant to manipulate. Maybe its to try to get you to feel bad so you don't criticize him further, and instead even build him up. In other words, he does something he thinks you'll be upset with. So he does this to try to turn the tables and have you defending him vs attacking him. Maybe. I'm tired.
Still, even if that's the case, what's the right reply? I'm curious too.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
To me that comes across as a bit passive aggressive or a cop out. kinda playing the victim so as not to take responsibility. Oh poor me Im such a bad husband I couldn't do it right. How about sorry I didn't do it. I'll make it up to you. This would make you think he was sorry and would try harder. His statement makes it as though he is unable too.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
I have a general question that's been rumbling around in my head. H has a habit of self deprecating comments, especially when resolving conflict. Ex: I'm sorry I didn't do x, I'm a bad person/husband, etc.
Remember how I told you I'm passive aggressive like your H? Well, I suspect it's part of the same package. I come from a family who can't take a compliment. Nice shirt? "Oh, I got it on sale." Nice throw? "Oh I don't even know how I did it." Thank you? "Oh, it was really nothing." I spent the Holidays with my parents and boy does it run strong in the family.
I'm aware of that flaw and, as part of my self-treatment, I decided to take compliments with a simple "Thank you". In the same vein, I try to avoid self-deprecation. Friends have observed it in me and recommended that I stop. So now it's hard, but when someone says something nice, I don't nuance it. I just smile and say thank you. But that's all work for your H and doesn't answer your question. I mention this so that you understand that it might be deep seated in his personality. I know it's annoying, but don't resent him too much for it. He's more a victim of it than you.
I've no clinical recommendation. But how would I like people to react to my self-deprecation? When they say the positive ("Yes, you're great!") I might deny it, but I like it. In fact, my "I"m not great" might be meant to elicit the "Yes you are!" response, because I need to hear it. Remember: passive aggressive people can't simply ask for what they want, so they use other means. Another idea is to ask questions. "What makes you say that?"
By the way, I don't feel like I use self-deprecation as an excuse, as in "its' not my fault, I'm bad". Maybe I do, but my IC hasn't surface it yet! By the way, I want to discuss this passive aggressive behavior next time with my IC (and not my W and M!), so I might have more insights.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Maybe completely ignore his self deprecating comments. Maybe whatever your usual reaction is to that gives him something... like fishing for a compliment. Ignoring his unwanted behavior may just make him drop it. I try to do that too.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Mozza: Do please post when you know more about Passive-Agressive insights. Calabri: my H is the same way.
Geeze it is hard to think of what to say as I have been in this position many times. You want them to stop making it about them! Just be sorry. Full stop. I so think it is tied to self worth as well....like H thinks he did a bad thing and he is a bad boy.
One of the things I know is when you validate in a way that says "I do not think of you this way..." it can also back fire on P-A or for people who think you are not listening and make them shut down. "I do not think of you this way" makes the person say or think well, she does not even know me or is listening to me.
Here is another version:
"I appreciate you saying you are sorry. You do not have to put your self down and say you are a bad person. I want you to know I think you are a great person. I am just (mad) at you for x."
