Part 1 - Initial disappearance and NC from beginning by W, unsure of why W left, found out about OM, one weekend of talking about reconciling, then NC from W, initiate mediation I thought everything was okay
Part 2 - Continued NC from W, further distance from W about kids, MCS figures out judgmental tendencies, W finally comes gets her things, stress over communication about kids I thought everything was okay...(Part 2)
Things I'm working on.
Detach, detach, detach GAL outside of doing fun things alone Figure out how to communicate with Kids STFU about some of her decisions Try to keep open mind of small changes in sitch
Last edited by MCS; 01/07/1511:46 PM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, when we last left me; I'm struggling with any communication with the W about co-parenting....namely schedule. W throws idea over the fence and when I don't agree, she shuts down from talking to me. Trying to figure out how to at least get a little communication going outside of Counseling (mediation,) seems MC is trying to do the same thing. Suggesting different ways to establish more communication. Also suggested to have kids come in to see him. I just need to let the MC try and work it out, I guess. Problem is the schedule is one of the final things that I think W is using to put me as the cause of her unhappiness, IDK.
I'm unsure why W seems to appear so threatened by me. I have not been anything but cordial, to no avail. I have been more firm on boundaries and making W responsible for decisions she's made (no Mr. Nice Guy)
___________________
So, something is up today with my detachment. I'm not sure what it was, but I'm feeling a whole lot more detached today.
I don't know if it was talking with W at counseling (mediation) yesterday made me realize how far Wayward she is right now. It's like I've never met this person before. I don't know if its how strangely she is acting or the fact that she totally trivialized anything that the kids said to her about the sitch. Which infuriates me....
W: "They are just trying to use asking me to come home to get what they want for other things" W: "The only reason that they say to you that they want me to come back is because I did everything for them before"
The she used my pet peeve phrase "Kids are resilient" I can't stand that. Someone on here said how WAS use it to justify doing things w/o taking the kids emotions into account.
Well, S5 comes home yesterday with a drawing for mom that has MCS, W, S5, D4 and Dog; with a big roof over all of us. Says, this is for mom to show her that we are all together.
Anyway, enough of that. I found myself in a good mood today and not checking DB forums at all during work. Also, had a meeting at work that I totally made into a fun, laid back, joking meeting for my team. Its been a stressful time at work and I and they needed to not take ourselves too seriously today.
Last edited by MCS; 01/08/1512:13 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Well, PMA a little lower than Yesterday, but still doing somewhat okay. It's much better than the holiday time off of work. Kids go back to her tomorrow, and that's where the PMA takes a dive. Totally need GAL time, been doing improvements around the house, but need to figure out something to interact with others.
Still trying to figure this communications thing out talking about the kids. IDK, it's been 5 months and she still won't really talk to me. I'm wondering if changing tactics would work. Basically, I'm being somewhat passive-agressive with the schedule thing, because of my trust issues with her. I just don't feel comfortable right now with the kids and her...but I don't feel like I can say anything about that because our communication is so bad. I just think it will set us back.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Glad you are in a better mood and feeling more detached. Quite honestly, I agree and completely understand what you mean when you say you don't check DB forums as much. Sometimes I find that the worse mood I am in, the more I am on this site and though it is extremely useful and helpful, sometimes you just need a break from reading all this stuff, so good for you.
Sorry I don't have more to say RE: kids, I don't have any and don't feel like anything Id say would be particularly beneficial, but just letting you know I'm here and following your sitch. I hope you and W have worked out something regarding co-parenting.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Thanks for checking in. been over reading your stuff. It's so crazy how you can read so many stories and they all have such common themes and progressions. It helps comfort me that our M crisis is not unique and it's hard to imagine that so many others are struggling with the same thing. It's like a giant support group.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Hey MCS. Thank you for your very supportive posts tonight. I agree communication is good. Honestly, though... in my case I might consider 5 weeks of solid NC from my W.
It seems the mediation meeting then is your only chance. Do you act as if your moving on or do you look and act like you're wanting to talk?
It would seem like the acting detached and distracted b/c your life is awesome... maybe like you have a new GF... is he way to be right? Like you're barely paying attention to her while you're agreeable and understanding when she talks.
Good luck. Just keep going.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
No problem, I've been reading your thread for the last month or so. You've been doing great, I can definitely see your progress.
Yeah, I guess it's been a struggle. She knows me well enough (I even said it right before she left, but before I knew about OM) that I'm in this for the long haul.
Mind reading, but I'm at the point that I think if I push the 'move on' too much right now, she's so guilt ridden (especially because it seems the A is over) and she seems too timid and her self esteem seems so low, that she would be okay with that happening, because she could tell everyone that I gave up. Justifying she did the right thing with her thinking that I would have left when I found out the A anyway. She told me she never felt she lived up to my expectations and I always was in "control." So me seeming to be that way by moving on and not a little vulenerable, that it wouldn't be showing a 180 that I've tried to do.
I'm trying to work a careful line of trying to participate and connect with her enough to make her feel 'comfortable' talking with me because of the kids.
But, I've also said to her "this is your decision, you asked me to move on and I'm listening to you and that's what I'm doing"
My demeanor has been calm, collected and confident. Since all of our talk is about logistics of S, I've been factual and logical. However, I think this also counteracts some of her comfort with me, because me being this way could also be viewed as intimidating and trying to be in control of the sitch. Especially if she is feeling very unsure of herself and me. IDK
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
She told me she never felt she lived up to my expectations and I always was in "control." So me seeming to be that way by moving on and not a little vulenerable, that it wouldn't be showing a 180 that I've tried to do.
I can definitely relate to this statement. What have you done to try showing a little vulnerability?
Originally Posted By: MCS
My demeanor has been calm, collected and confident. Since all of our talk is about logistics of S, I've been factual and logical. However, I think this also counteracts some of her comfort with me, because me being this way could also be viewed as intimidating and trying to be in control of the sitch. Especially if she is feeling very unsure of herself and me. IDK
You are acting the right way as far as your demeanor. You cant control how she feels. As long as you are light and friendly enough when you interact with her, how she feels is up to her. My only suggestion would be to ask and incorporate her ideas/suggestions when it comes to logistics of S. Just ask her what she thinks and listen to her, dont dismiss it. This may help lower her guard because it is no longer MCS dictating facts and logic to her, but MCS asking her what she feels is fair.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Hello MCS. Don't assume all those things about her self esteem and guilt. Mind reading. Reading sitches here and from my experience.... the WAW works hard to show you what is useful for her to show. All you know is she doesn't want to contact you. You know how to act with DB... confident and calm and content. Just keep doing that.
I'm learning you can't be afraid to push your W away if you're doing what you know to do. Trust the process and work on how you act under stress. I'll work on doing the same.
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Thanks guys, it just made me feel a little bit better. I tried an experiment tonight and it din't come out as planned. I guess that's why they call it an experiment.
So, I've put as much DB aside as possible right now, because our communication about the kids is so abysmal. I told W at counseling (mediation) that I'm not comfortable with our communication about kids and hope we can improve it. So, I ran into an opportunity today to take the first step and its seems like it was a fail (not total, but close)
So, I found out I need to travel next week just an overnight trip. Our schedule has been pretty firm with the kids (my doing) with weeks with me and weekends with her. As you know, I said that I'm good with opening up some weeknights for her, but not comfortable with full week on/week off.
So I figured I could use this trip as an opportunity. My parents live hours away, so I checked to see if they could watch the kids, if needed. Also, W and I said if others would watch the kids, we would inform the other person. So, with this I figured that W wanted some time, I didn't want to 'ask' her to watch the kids, but give her the opportunity to maybe soften up our schedule and start working it out between us. Also, we've been to one line emails for kids exchange status, so I added some more depth into what happened with them this week and a couple other things. Anyway, here's how an excerpt of how the email went:
MCS Email: I am planning on being out of town to XXX on Jan. XX. I've checked with my parents and they can come down to watch the kids. Just making sure that's okay with you. I'll get you the hotel I'll be at once its scheduled in case there's any emergencies.
W Email: I will have the kids with me while you are away. I will pick them up XX from school/daycare and keep them through Monday morning. The day with no school is not a problem.
********** Really? Not a question or a can I? So anyway. MCS still calm and decides to call W. I sent her an email to notify her that I would like to call (A request of hers) So she picks up the phone. **********
MCS "I got your email back. Sorry, I just found out today. I just would like to say that you asked if you can have school days. I didn't want to ask you to watch the kids, that's not your responsibility when their with me, but I'm glad that you would like to.
W "You said that we should let each other know if there are babysitters for the kids."
MCS "Yes, that's why I sent you the email, I just found out about the travel today. I just want to let you know that I'm trying to improve our communication about the kids and your response back telling me that you are going to take them through the end of your normal time rubbed me the wrong way. (I lose my day on Friday with them as its a day off from school) I understand what you would like, but I'd like to talk through it a little and see if maybe I could take them for a day or something"
W "We can talk about that at counseling (mediation) anything else?"
MCS "Sorry, I didn't realize that we had a counseling (mediation) session between when I would leave, I guess we can talk then"
W "Yep, goodbye"
_____ So, I tried to extend the olive branch to see if we can make this a little smoother and it failed. I guess, she did actually pick up the phone and offer to take the kids without me asking her. That's a win, I guess.
Last edited by MCS; 01/10/1502:36 AM.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
