Hearing and reading that others have seen the same behaviors helps so much! It's funny. (well not) I was explaining to a friend that in real life, the events that happen to us by our MLC'r are so crazy and just so unacceptable. But on this forum, it's "normal" and happens daily to us. She is so greatful I found this place, and so am I.
H just called. He has the day off today and got a call to look at a house at 3:00 today. However, he will have son since he is picking him up from school and wanted to know what I thought about taking him with him. I asked H, have you talked to S about your moving out? H said he did in the past, the first time he was looking at places, but not recently. I said, in my opinion that would be a lot to throw at him with no preparation or warning. H agreed and said he would reschedule and went on to say that he wasn't really sure about the place anyway.....
I guess that means he didn't like the place he looked at on Saturday either, if he is still looking...
Part of me wants to say, do you really want to move out instead of work on your marriage!!?? Then I remember.... ya... this isn't my husband and no... he doesn't want to work on our marriage..... and this is best.....he is driving you crazy at home....and Mleigh.... how long will it take to really get that?
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Mleigh .... I do think if anything ... the stories here just validate to us we are not alone. I thought W was just going through a Bi-Polar thing .. not knowing any better, I did know she was no longer the W I married ... and yeah .. looking back to some of the things said and done, well ... parts make ya wanna cry, other parts you just have to shrug and laugh at, would not be easy to do unless you are reassured it is you who has not gone off the deep end. For Christmas W bought me a self-help book .... I was half shocked that there were not areas highlighted for me to focus on ... I mean seriously? .... she should have just stuck with the go-to Bundle of socks she typically gets me.
Caliguy. I laughed at your wife buying you a self help book. Can you imagine how she would have reacted if you had done the same?? They really are in another world.
So to update. H went and looked at another house last night, but didn't say anything about what he thought about it. Just acted business as usual.
A couple of months ago, H grew out a beard. Said he wanted to try it out, it was also at a time when he was hanging with these mystery friends. Eventually, the beard went away along with his party nights out. Well, he is growing the beard again. Strange how it coincides with what seems to be H going back into his tunnel for a spin.
I got my DB book yesterday. I have DR, but not DB. I started reading it last night and read the first chapter about how Divorce is not the answer. Of course, it makes me anxious and a little sick to my stomach. When I think I may be ready, that woke me up a little. So I sat there and thought, I wonder how it would effect H? Is he too far gone to give a poop? Or is there some little glimmer of hope in there? So, I went over and asked him if he would read 1 chapter. He said sure, no hesitation. He put his phone down and started reading. I told him, you don't have to stop what your are doing and read it now, whenever works for you. He said no, it's ok.
I know that may be against DB rules, but I have to..... HAVE TO... know I tried everything.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
DB is for YOU and not to just to try to save your marriage. DB can be used in your day-to-day life w/anyone.
I would suggest that you not share your DR and/or DB books w/your h. These are tools for YOU to learn and use, just as this forum is a tool for YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - I know DB is for me. I do. The only reason I suggested the chapter is from past conversations with H. He has said he is confused, doesn't know what to do, is scared of divorce, scared of moving out, scared of what it will do to our son. He also has mentioned that he looks up stuff on the internet about marriage problems. So, I don't think it will hurt.
I don't expect him to read more, I don't really know if it will make any difference. I just don't want to wonder, down the road, what if...... I wish I had gotten more info and used resources when I was a WAS. I don't know if it would have helped me, but maybe it could have?
I am not going to stand in his way, whatever he does. He wants to move out, go. He wants a divorce, fine. I am doing my best to keep the focus on me and stay out of his way. I just don't like the feeling of giving up on my marriage. I am angry, unsure of what I want, disappointed and frustrated. I am on the roller coaster of yes - I want my marriage to no - I'm done. But deep down in my heart, I just miss my H and want him back. I was getting really good moments with him, these past couple of months, almost like he was coming back, then poof - gone again.
I guess I am reacting to that....This too will pass.....
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
You aren't giving up on your marriage if you allow him to go. You are giving him the greatest gift by allowing him to have the time and space to figure things out. He's confused, that is part of the crisis. You've been doing the right things, but you need to allow him to fix himself. You can't do that.
If your h is truly willing to work on the marriage, he will seek help w/his confusion, i.s., therapist, counselor, priest/minister, etc.
I understand missing the "old" h, but you do realize that once his crisis is over he will be a different person? Yes, there is a chance that he will still have many of the qualities that you loved, but he's going to be different, i.e., far more mature/settled and some of the mlc traits/behaviors of his crisis may remain w/him for the rest of his life. There is no easy way to predict how he will be once the crisis is over.
You are getting some really good moments w/him because you've pulled back and given him space. You will notice that the more space he has, the more opportunities he will seek out to be w/you and your son. When he has space, he doesn't feel pressured to be "all there for you". He knows that you are expecting him to do this or that, react this way or that way. So, yes, when you've gone on w/your life, the pressure was relieved and he wanted to be there and do things w/you. Once he senses you are trying to get closer, yes, he pulls away. It's the distance/pursuer game.
You have to trust in the system, allow him time and space and you have to dig deeper for patience. Patience is one of the hardest things to have when dealing w/people in crisis. We get a little nibble of them warming up and we start to want more, even though we may not even be aware of it, and BAM! The little rabbit goes back in the hole for a while.
Continue as you have been. Allow him to figure things out. You can't fix his confusion for him...he has to do that on his own. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Okay. I will keep on keepin' on. I had noticed this morning that he must have taken the book with him in his room last night because it wasn't on the table. I went home at lunch, and it was on the table. So I took the book and put it away for me to read on my own. If he asks, I will just say I put it away so son doesn't see a book with the word divorce on it, he is way too young to understand that, but I will let him know where it is at.
I have been adjusting to giving H a huge amount of space. It not only helps him, but helps me, in so many ways. I will continue on that road. You know, it's that pms time, and that may be playing a part in my emotions right now. So I will really focus on laying low.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
I think it's the after holiday let down that's a contributing factor to a lot of poster's emotions right now. Continue to give him the space he needs to figure things out. I would hate to see you attempt to rush the process and then be hurt more so.
Trust the system, trust yourself and the man upstairs. What is going on w/him took many years to bubble up. It's going to take some time to for that boiling pot to settle back down.
Keep the focus on you and your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - it just clicked in my little brain. So, giving him the book is the fixer in me trying to fix him, therefore he wouldn't be doing that himself, which he should, and it could all backfire on me. I wasn't thinking of it as fixing, but I do see it now.
Got it - thank you for the gentle 2 x 4
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Yeah .. I confess .. I cringed that you gave H our playbook.....lol I know my W might be open to it at a given moment .. but hours/days/weeks after that would be used against me like no other. Remember, pressure is a trigger for MLC, and yeah you are right .. I too am a fixer and you can not fix him, this is not going to be fixed by any of us, the only way for them to get through is by their own accord. Just look how hard it is for us "normal" people ... they tell us detach/GaL, PMA, 180 ... and here we all are .. knowing and seeing its benefits still struggling with implementation ya know? I imagine for a person in MLC its like yelling at them in Chinese .. they just feel the anger and pressure and we LBS need to make certain any pressure and anger they might feel comes from within so they can address it, at least that's my observation, I have been to close to the fire so W assumes its me and nothing she needs to address.
