Really too late....

[lost18]

Have that pit in my stomach again today. The only reason I can think of is because H has another appointment with an orthopedic surgeon today. I guess I'm worried and have been thinking all along that once his back is fixed he will move forward with D.

Kids went back to school today and it is a gloomy day so might just have a lazy day today. Before I do that I guess I will mop the floors. One of H's big complaints is my lack of taking care of the house both in day to day upkeep and making it a home by decorating and such. I have done some big 180's in these areas. I know he's noticed, not sure if it matters to him anymore BUT I feel better about that area of my life...although I still hate cleaning!

[Little]

See, I feel like cleaning should be a 50/50 effort. BF slacked on this in our house and when it became clear I was the only responsible one for the upkeep and maintenance of a house we both contributed to, I started to seriously slack, too. In fact, I began paying a friend of mine to come clean, if it was done at all.

I'm sure BF was not impressed with me, but since I've moved into my own apartment I find it's 100% easier to clean up after only myself and not have to clean up behind him, too.

Partnering is hard, but it's a two-fer effort.

[lost18]

H was always really good about doing stuff around the house. Looking back he didn't clean the toilets or showers but he always cleaned the kitchen, did laundry and would mop along with outside stuff, handyman stuff etc.

He became resentful because he felt I didn't appreciate or respect what we have. 2 years ago Feb he came home from overseas and spent his 2 weeks home putting in hardwood floors in our two front rooms. I had ripped up the carpeting and boxed everything up. A year later when he came home again those boxes were still sitting in one of those rooms.

Even when we did fun things, like go out on the boat or go camping, he did most of the work to get ready, and I let him. Eventually when we stopped doing those things (partly because he was working overseas) he told me they weren't fun for him anymore.

I do get why he is/was resentful of me, he tried to tell me but I didn't hear him because of his approach maybe, maybe because I wasn't getting my needs met and those things weren't that important to me. I kept telling myself it wasn't a big deal, not deal breakers. To him I didn't care about, appreciate or respect HIM.

Funny thing is I get a little resentful of him NOW when he's sitting on the couch watching tv and I'm mopping around him, or whatever it is. I of course don't say a word. It seems he always turns around and does something to help.

[lost18]

On another note, I'm not giving up but not feeling very hopeful. For someone who was once so sexual he just is not interested in me that way at all. Very discouraging. He is just so stubborn that I don't think he is even open to the possibility that things could change and we could work this out. Just don't get what he's getting out of a long distance R when the real thing is right here. I know I'm being very impatient, I guess I thought that once he came home he would either move forward with D or move toward working things out, instead we are in the constant state of limbo...

So while I was feeling sorry for myself this afternoon I came out of my room and saw his dam phone in his hand...right away jumped to conclusions (didn't say anything) and got even more upset. A little bit later I asked if he had heard from D16 (she wasn't home from school yet and hadn't responded to my text) and he said I was just texting her a little bit ago. That will teach me...plus I think negativity breeds negativity...of course I do assume he was in contact with OP when I left to take D13 to practice....sigh, this is a vicious cycle.

[mahhhty]

Lost - I just finished a book. It is the Solo Partner by Phil Deluca. It was recommended by someone in one of the threads. It has a great section on Pursuers & Distancers.

And I quote, "Pursuers prefer to deal with problems rather than avoid them, and they tend to be open to new ideas rather than resistant to them. They are ready for change and willing to put the necessary effort into it, in contrast to a distance's willingness to wait, seemingly forever. In addition, the pursuers are the obvious losers in the pursuit-distance dance and are more tired, frustrated and unhappy than the distance (or at least, more aware of being unhappy).... Despite an apparent disregard for the relationship, the distance has more to lose than the pursuer if things change in their relationship. The distance will have to give up more if the pursuer's life no longer revolves around him, and he will learn to give as well as take.

For these reasons, the pursuer is more motivated to initiate change. A distance will rarely initiate change and never changes in response to direct efforts by others. He will change only when he fears losing his pursuer, and this can happen only when the pursuer stops her pursuit. Distances tend to change in direct proportion to how much their pursuers modify their pursuit... Pursuers complain that this isn't fair or reasonable, and I agree. But in my experience, this is nonetheless the way it is and must be dealt with, regardless of whether or not it is right or reasonable."

A lot of people in here (Definitely including me) need to continue to work on us for us. Then with hope the pursuer becomes the distancer and the distancer becomes the pursuer.

[lost18]

Meant to post this yesterday, it really is so appropriate for everybody, maybe even more so for those of us who find ourselves here! Hope the link works!


30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself. #10 Is An Absolute Must.

[lost18]

Trying to find ways to connect with H without pursuing. Maybe I shouldn't be doing that right now? But, we do live together and interact quite normally, even if more like friends. I thought I knew what his main LLs are but not really sure. I used to get upset because he "held back" affection (apart from sex) but maybe he was just holding it back from me. He's affectionate with the girls and his mom.

We've had a lot of idle time the past few days, kids are back at school, I haven't been working and he obviously isn't working. I guess maybe I'm a little lost on what I should be doing in regard to interacting with him.

Met my friend to run again last night, glad to get back to that. Money is definitely an issue for me but I am going to try to find a couple of projects that I can work on.

[lost18]

I've had a decent couple of days. I would like to say H doesn't seem to be texting OP but I will say this instead: H seems to be respecting my boundary of not communicating with OP while I'm home. That does make it easier for me to keep my PMA.

We also watched a movie together last night, as in not me just sitting down on the couch when he was watching TV. He downloaded a movie, told me he did it, I said cool and later he said I'm ready to watch that movie and waited for me to finish up what I was doing. Nothing earth shattering but definitely better than what could've happened.

I've been listening to a lot of podcasts from another save the marriage site and it is helping me to stay positive (somewhat). I always have that fear that no matter what I do H is too stubborn to try again, that my marriage can't be saved...but I try to stop thinking like that and keep moving forward.

I've started working on some small projects again which are fun but I do find sometimes I spend too much time on the computer looking for ideas and such. I'm thinking about trying to set up a little shop at the local flea market. The projects are fun and I can maybe make some extra money!

H got his old Jeep yesterday, and although he is limited as to what he can do because of his back I can see already a change in his attitude. He has a hard time doing nothing for too long.

We were both going in and out of the garage today and he came back in and in his not very nice tone asked me what I was doing out there. I told him not to talk to me like that and he changed his tone and asked nicer what I was doing because it smelled like something was burning. I am not going to allow him to talk to me like that anymore.

[mahhhty]

I am not going to allow him to talk to me like that anymore.

I love your post. But I like this the best. Strong, confidence. I like it.

How are conversations and interactions around the house? Are you following the Sandi Rules?

[lost18]

Overall conversations and interactions are good. Still lots of room for improvement of course.

He is really excited about the jeep, we determined it is a 1942 WWII jeep! I feel like it is something we are connecting on and we have been lacking that connection for sure. I've been doing some research online and helping him when he asks. I'm asking him questions and he's showing me things, overall very positive.

I'm trying to stay real about our situation and not get over excited about anything.

I do pretty good with most of Sandi's rules, there are a few however that I need work on. I tend to "follow him around the house," especially when I think he may be texting OW. I start conversations with him quite frequently, more so the past few days about the jeep. Not sure that is a bad thing tho, showing interest and encouraging him with something he is really excited about.

Trying to GAL but I'm not very good at it, mostly it is just me going shopping or sometimes for a drive just to get out of the house! Tonight I was going to go out, my friends H was playing music at a restaurant/bar. Kind of forced myself to get ready but when I texted her it turned out she was at home with her son. I went out anyway, really just drove around for a while. He was so involved in the jeep he barely noticed I left! I figured he would be sleeping when I got home at 10 since he normally is in bed between 8-9....unfortunately he was still up.

I invited my friend and her H over for football tomorrow, was going to invite more people but really just wanting to keep it simple. H isn't to excited about it a)he's only met them once and isn't very social anyway b)he probably doesn't even want to watch football because he just wants to work on the jeep.

I'm continuing to listen to my podcasts as well, very helpful since I was thinking the other day how I want to feel wanted and loved. One of the podcasts was about not giving up and giving it time. The podcasts definitely are on the same track as DB!