2015

[job]

Tad,
I'm glad you went out on Christmas Eve and had a nice dinner. You owed it to yourself to do this. I think you are overly sensitive in going out by yourself. Sure, people will look at others, but I seriously doubt that they were looking down on you. Besides, what do you care what they think? You are a wonderful man and a great father. Hold your head up high and don't think like that. Okay?

I'm glad things went okay at your aunt's home and all of you had a nice dinner and spent it w/some of the family.

Now about the xw. You are mind reading again. Maybe she was hoping you'd say hello or Merry Christmas. Maybe she wasn't and she was thinking about other things when she saw you. But whatever the look meant, it's not your deal to figure it out. Okay?

As for the x-MIL's comments to your son. She may have assumed that he was going to his mother's. Your xw may not have revealed the rift between the boys and her by not telling her...but whatever the reason for the assumption, it's on her to live w/that omission or lie to her mother. BTW, they do tend to lie quite a bit and eventually they are caught in their web of lies...again, that's not on you to figure it out.

Tad, the new year is around the corner, what are some of your resolutions going to be?

[uRworthy]

Hey Tad, glad you made it through the holiday.

Ok, Im just gonna be hones with you here, my friend.

Who freakin cares what your xw says or does? I mean, really. It does not matter. Your boys are adults. They can deal with their relationship with her.

Please stop reading into her words and actions, Tad. You are giving yourself stress you do not need.

Live your life or it will live you.

I have a great resolution for you.....just sayin.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and uR.

I had my little rattie cremated when she passed. I have to go to the vet today to pick up her remains.



I really miss her a lot. She was a good friend to me. Her sister is still hanging in there and is a wonderful little friend too. I've been trying to give her extra attention. I just miss having the pair.

I think you are overly sensitive in going out by yourself. Sure, people will look at others, but I seriously doubt that they were looking down on you.

Maybe, but I REALLY felt so out of place.

Now about the xw. You are mind reading again.

Yeah. Need to stop this.

I have a great resolution for you.....just sayin.

Think I know what it is. See below.

Tad, the new year is around the corner, what are some of your resolutions going to be?

I posted these earlier, but have added a few more:

* Stop smoking
* Lose weight and get down to pre bomb-drop weight
* Repair my relationship with God (MAYBE - still undecided about this)
* Get out more (Even if I have to force myself - no excuses)
* Join a gym
* Save $100 per month
* Convince my "friend" at work to have lunch with me!
* Re-connect with old friends
* Take a few road trips
* Donate money (no matter how small) to my local rat rescue once a month in honor of my little girl (I already started this one this month.)
*Quit trying to mind read XW and quit trying to figure her out


Tad

[job]

I like the resolutions and I know you will do your very best to meet them.

[AJM]

I especially like the last one as that will bring some peace of mind

Good for you for getting out! (You do know the other tradition is Chinese food and a movie on Christmas, right?)

Maybe, but I REALLY felt so out of place.

Dude. You're not out of place until you're the creepy old guy buying the too young for you girls (or guys), drinks.

Tad, I used to travel a lot and ended up at restaurants alone all the time. A little awkward at first, but after a while you get to where you like it, Tad. I did anyway. I'm a crazy curious person as it is, and I've learned to ask all kinds of questions of the staff and find out the secret specials. Kind of like a game (assuming they are not really busy when I get there; not fair to take their time if they are really busy.)

I've found some great "secret" specials, drinks, and some really great people that I still connect with from time to time.

Make it fun, and it is fun, amigo.


AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Job and AJ.

I've been a way for a while.

You do know the other tradition is Chinese food and a movie on Christmas, right?

I'm going to remember that. I love Chinese food!

Journaling/Updating:

* My other little rattie is starting to slow down a bit. I have her sister's remains on my nightstand. When this one passes, I will also have her cremated. I may spread their ashes somewhere, but not 100% sure yet. I'd also like to keep them, but I do have them both tattooed on my arm so I guess, they'll always sort of be "with me" if I do decide to scatter their ashes somewhere. I REALLY want to get another one or two, but don't want the heartache that comes along with it.

* I spent New Year's Eve at home and alone. Thought about going out, but figured all I would see would be couples. I was actually asleep before midnight. Boo.

* I've been extra emotional in the past week and had a weird/scary/unusual experience the other night. I was in bed watching a funny show on tv. (It was a good two years before I would even watch comedy after bomb drop.) Anyways, I'm laying there watching tv and cracking up. During a commercial, I rolled over to not look at tv to try to go to sleep. Then, I started crying. Hard. I'm not sure if it was because of my little rattie or what it was. I've never experienced anything like that before and it kind of surprised/scared me. I've had some pretty decent days lately and then to turn around and have this.....I sometimes feel like I am just a train wreck at times.

* I found out this morning that my neice (XW's sister's daughter) who was planning on starting at Northern Arizon University this spring is now pregnant. While I'm not really surprised, I find it quite depressing. She's only been "dating" this guy for about two months. She just turned 18.

* My schedule at work has changed. I now see my "friend" three days a week instead of two. I REALLY want to ask her to just lunch but am so afraid to ask. I'm really scared that she'll say no.

* I'm on my 5th day without a cigarette. Today and yesterday have been the hardest. Not sure if I'm going to make it, but I'm trying.

* Since my days off have changed and am now off on Friday's, I'll be able to go out on Friday nights. I'm going out this week. I'll be alone and am not sure where I'm going, but I AM GOING OUT.

That's all for now.

Tad

[Wonka]

Tad,

Life is filled with moments that we make choices or not as we encounter them.

In reading your update, I get the sense that you're driven by fear of a different kind: of not being good enough.

Fear of being turned down for a lunch with a co-worker for goodness sake!

Fear of getting attached to a new rattle because you cannot deal with the emotion of grief.

Fear of socializing by yourself because of the perceived judgments about you.

All of that ^^^ is preventing you from living your life to the fullest. Ever think about joining a Meet-Up group that resonates with you?

I'm glad you plan to go out on Fridays. Just put yourself out there. Go for it!!

[Georgiabelle]

^^^^^^^

Right on, Wonka. Tad, I've always viewed NYE and Valentine's Day as 2 overblown events. Commercially, we've been told otherwise and in reality, it's a day with crazy expectations created by the media.

I'm sorry about your rat. I love furry people and it always svkks when they slow down or pass. Just remember that you are lucky to have each other.

In regards to your friend at work, how about viewing it a bit differently? I know you are nervous, afraid and attracted to her all at he same time. From the female perspective (or at least mine), I loved going out with my colleagues. That's how we got to be such good friends. Just view it as getting to know someone better. I used to work in a 90% plus make environment and am pleased to call many of those guys close friends. Not romantic interests, but I was always married or seeing someone. Cast the net!

Hope 2015 is a good one for you.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Georgiabelle and Wonka.

You are both right. I need to put myself out there.

And yes Wonka, I am afraid.

Afraid of:

More sadness

More loss

More rejection

Not being good enough

I am actually part of a meet up group. Haven't gone to one meet up though because they are either too far, I have to work, or I'm just not interested.

I live in Phoenix which is really spread out. There could be something going on that is considered in my metro area, but still be 50 miles away. I live on the boring side of town. Most everything "hip" and fun happens on the other side. Just one reason why I'd like to move when my lease is up.

When I was in radio, I learned a lot about body language. My "friend" gives me all of these signs but.....she doesn't date coworkers. We talk and talk and talk....awesome conversations about all sorts of things, says she is glad because she can see me 3 days a week now instead of 2 but....she doesn't date coworkers. She has given me gifts, says she looks forward to our conversations, sent messages asking how my rat was doing, gives me candy every night, smiles when I walk in the room but.....she doesn't date coworkers.

I might just ask her to lunch so she can say "no" and get it over with.

Confused. CONFUSED. CONFUSED.

Six days smoke free.

Tad

[LouR]

Hi Tad

Just caught up with your posts - so sad to hear about your dear dear rattie - a special place in your heart always.

I just wanted to chime in on the whole ask your "friend" out to lunch. I know you are scared and have all sorts of different scenarios now running through your head - but I am only reading negative ones from you - where are the positive ones ... the one where she says yes, the one where she is great company and maybe you connect.

The thing is - unless you ask, you will NEVER KNOW !!!! I hope that in the future some lovely lovely guy like you (yep you are - can tell just by your posts) would be brave enough to ask me out for lunch -

And - what is the worst that could happen - she could say no or she is not quite "you" ....but at least you know and your life will carry on ... think of the "what if" in the positive and not the negative. Try not to get so far ahead of yourself - you have not been on a date yet, so thinking about splitting up and rejection is wayyyyyyy to ahead of things ...one step at a time.

Take that brave pill and ask ..... (I know easy for me to say as I am not the one doing it lol)

Not everyone will say yes, and not everyone will be "the one" but she is out there - 7 billion people on the planet - she is out there.

I love your resolutions - all achievable ones ....especially the last one

Tad ((hugs)) to you - sometimes we just have to take the leap of faith - whether that is going out (I did that NYE and stood like a lemon for 3hrs, but I did it and survived whoop whoop) or asking someone out - or trying something new - have faith my friend.