MLC = my last chance

[kml]

Yeah, read Mighty's thread for an example where all was not as it seemed for her ex living with the OW.

And I second the bucket list. Set some fun exciting challenges for yourself. Just imagine: if you knew you were going to get hit by a truck in a year, would you be wasting your time and energy on what he's doing, or would you get out there and LIVE?

How about making a list here of ten fabulous things you would like to do or learn this year?

[sunshinelewis]

You are not crazy for wanting your family back and hoping he might wake up. We all did that. Just don't live your life waiting on him to. Go on with your life and if he comes around than that will be awesome And u will then have the final say.
I think it's best sometimes not to label them. Personally that got me stuck
Hon you have no choice in this and it's so unfair. There is nothing you can do.
And if he came back today you would think you were living with a stranger all that would do is make things worse for u and your children. You would then be living with a man in crises and if u think its bad now......believe me it's worse.

Whatever u do don't try to fight it. It will only prove his point.

This stuff isn't easy, esp when your kids are hurting. Take it day by day.....min by min if u need to. Hugs and prayers

[AJM]

I am moving forward. I will survive but letting it all go without resistance is not how I am wired. Friends and family will tell you I am fiercely loyal. I wonder if H is counting on that loyalty to be so cruel. Indifference is far more cruel than anger.

Yeah, most of the people here (that's why they came here, right?) are not wired like that either. Lots of fighters here.

It is tough, but you have got some of the greatest advice so far, from people who have been right where you are.

It's hard to fight that instinct. You don't have to. But you'll likely come back to the advice here at some point if don't. That was a hard thing for me to see when I first came here. I suspect it is hard for most else why come here and spend that time, right?

Keep reading if you can. And I am glad to see you see yourself as a survivor. That's a strength that will serve you well.

AJ

[BrightFuture]

Gwen, same here… I also feel like my H becomes a ghost sometimes when there is no contact for some time. I know exactly how it feels. Scary. The man you thought was your best friend and the closest person in your life, is now behaving like you are his worst enemy, or even worse, nobody.

I also with you when you say that you are wired differently. You are a fighter and loyal person. I’m the same way. I call myself stubborn sometimes, and this how my friends and relatives see it as well. I think there is no other way for us through this, but to feel all we feel and hope as long as we can.

Shining, what a great post. You’ve got it, and you are ahead of me. I feel I’m slowly approaching this state of letting go. I’m almost there. I can feel it. I just hope I don’t slide back again.

Gwen, hang in there. ((((hugs)))))

[daring]

123Gwen-

I'm so sorry the holidays were so tough and that your girls are hurting. It is so hard to see our children suffer with all of this and I know for me just makes my heartache that much worse. Sending hugs and prayers for you. Your resolve and focus on trying to get through all of this without bitterness is admirable- I'm trying to do the same, but I also know some days I descend into that place. Job's words are always so comforting- we didn't imagine their love- we weren't some gullible dummy. They are just in crisis and out to lunch for a long time.

Hang in there!

[123Gwen]

Thank you all so much for your TLC. I have a small family so this has been daunting. Fortunately I have great friends but their patience has it's limits. I have learned a lot about who my real friends are in a crisis. I am blessed with many but they are not family.

Shining - I loved your post. I can relate completely when you wrote, "I'm almost certain, as strange as this may sound, that one day, even years or decades from now, my H will regret all he has done. I believe he loves me. I believe he will want me back, but will not necessarily have the courage to face it all."

KML - I am too tired to make a list with the new job but I will soon. The job was #1 so I am off to a good start.

SunshineLewis - your gentle wake up call was like a hug. It is unfair but that's life. The holidays were just so hard.

AJ - Isn't hard in this throw-a-way, instant gratification society that loyalty isn't revered? Just an observation but you are so right about the wisdom of the folks on this board. Thanks for stopping by.

Bright {{{HUGS}}} for you too.

Daring thanks for the validation. I just feel like maybe I imagined my entire life.

The last few weeks I have experienced so much as I am now a single parent working full time and going back to my hometown for Christmas. These changes/events have helped me to see myself for the first time in decades. I am starting to see Gwen the person. Not just the wife of Mr. Gwen or the mother of 2xD but me. I forgot who she was deep inside. I am just seeing her for the first time in oh so long. It is going to take a while but I see that person starting to come out a bit.

A silver lining perhaps?

[sunshinelewis]

Have u read my sitch? I did all the wrong things. I wanted to physically hurt my h of 20 yrs. job, sandi2, and the other wonderful people on here thought I was gonna end up in jail. My ex was a cop and 6ft tall....I am 5ft. I tried to hurt him, we actually fought, well I did. I unfortunately did not find this board until we were almost divorced. He had already filed and pushed it thru quickly. We were sep, and divorced in under 3 mths.
I am telling u this because I, like u, didn't have to work. I thankfully got a part time job just before All this hit. We had just consolidated all our bills, so I know he wasn't thinking of leaving. Oh don't get me wrong, he was in crisis and cheating but but trying to live both lives until he got caught.......which he did.
Gwen, mine was quick just like urs, so I so know how u feel. My mom had just passed away three weeks before bomb. I litterly came home on lunch, and he was painting our home. We hugged, he was talking on the phone to a friend and told them he had to hang up cause I was home and he wanted to spend time with me. We walked upstairs, his phone rang, he wouldn't answer, which was u like him. I questioned him and he started crying saying he wanted a divorce......not separate, he wanted out. I was floored. Very unexpected. The crying confused me. He moved out a few days later and stood in the doorway and cried again. He tested the waters with me a few times but I was so angry I didn't do the things I should of. I was scared to death financially. GOD pulled me thru all that and he will u too, just lean on him.
When I tell u that I didn't think I wAs gonna survive, I truly didn't. I lost it all. My mom, my home, my h and eventually my only son,18 , went to live with h.
I litterly thought I would die but I made it and u will to. I was the most co dependent person in the world. Scared to pieces.
GOD never left my side. And these wonderful people on this board didn't either.
It's been 6 yrs and I am doing great as far as ex is concerned. Now my son is another story, it as been very hard on me.
Gwen I truly believe they Are miserable inside. My ex was one of the meanest ones around. He married a girl 26 and to this day, if they see me out, she will try to make sure she waves at me if she has to run across the st to do it,,,,,which she did. I don't Talk or have contact with either and haven't in a very long time but I am obviously a part of their lives for them to act such a way lol.
They are ashamed and miserable and they want us to be as well.
The best thing you can do is show them how successful and great u can be as a person and a mother. Sounds like u are on ur way already.
Let him have his miserable life and show him ur fine.....fake it till u make it as they say. Sry so long, just wanted u to know that u aren't crazy and neither was I. You didn't imagine ur marriage to a great h and neither did I.
Lots of hugs and Prayers.

[123Gwen]

Sunshine- I had read some of your posts but not your entire story. I am so sorry you had to endure all of that. I think how lucky I am that H drove away cross country and to the OW. There is so much I don't know and like others have written, I don't want to know. I too had lost my mother just two years prior. She died in our home from cancer. It was not easy and H hates illness, death, hospitals, etc. - looking back it coincided with a lot.

Even though I lament and vent on this board to the outside world I seem put together. In six months I have a Job after being a SAHM for 20 years. changed the locks and my children are on the fast track. We are still in our home and people see me with make up on and wedding rings on and a smile from ear to ear. I go to Mass. I cooked chicken soup last night and I am NC with H. He doesn't ask and I don't call or text unless I must. H thinks we are doing great since we texted him two words, "Merry Christmas."

Inside I am doing ok. The kids are ok considering he destroyed their lives too. I am a person of great faith. It is how I cope so I try to have hope. I am Catholic so marriage is one of those sacraments. I wear my wedding rings as a sign of my vows but right now this is between me and God. Just like Elvis, H has left the building.

I think I am fortunate in so many ways. H left the state. Heck he is two time zones away. H had a vasectomy so no surprise babies. My girls and I are really close. In a weird way this has brought us even closer though I am careful to make sure this year doesn't define us for the rest of our lives. I mean it is a huge turning point but we don't want to be one of those people who stay stuck. Also fortunate I have a counselor.

It is just that a lot day my outside persona is at odds with my inside persona. My heart is so sad. My head wonders if I imagined a marriage that was loving and a life that was full. Was he that miserable the whole time? How did I not notice? But then I come here and vent and listen to giving people like you. People who went through so much and are still breathing and living. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing what it means to survive all of this.

Right now I am faking it 'till I make it.

[mleigh4]

Hi Gwen,

I don't have anything to add, just want to say the advice you are getting on here is great. I can't imagine how hard the holidays were for you, my heart hurts for you and your girls. But I see and hear a lot of strength in you. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the way you do.

[daring]

123Gwen I'm doing the same thing- life goes on and I look put together on the outside, not as much on the inside. But what I've noticed is that has changed over time. I'm less jumbled, less sad, less desperate. I still have those moments but they are shorter and then leave rather than stay constant.

I think I'm hitting the acceptance part of the grieving process. I still think about it and can't belive what the H I used to know has done and become, but it's not as devastating. It just is.

I see you moving towards the same, and in many ways having work helps b/c you can't think about your sitch all the time.
Keep your eyes upward too- I believe God has a purpose in everything- wish I understood it better but that's where faith steps in.

Hugs to you!