My last thread was my growth booster. I'm hoping this thread is where I get my wings.
Things are going well. H has been so involved with and, supporting me and being there to help me out when I'm working, took the lead when D lost her first tooth and wrote a letter to her from the tooth fairy, sprinkled money with glitter... Really stuff that would all fall on my pre BD. I'm so grateful for his involvement and the feeling that I have a parenting partner that I've not has since D was born.
His parental involvement, at this point, is more important to me than our marriage. It almost feels indulgent to hope for him to be a super involved father AND an engaged and loving husband. I'll take whatever I can get and hope he feels I've met his changes on my end, too.
I can see some regrets in his eyes and I think he's surprised I'm moving on as well as I am.
I've been behind this month with all the photo sessions and working at a Banana not to mention carting D around all over the place to her various extracurriculars... I paid the bills late (three days, eeek!!) and let the account become overdrawn. H let me know and wasn't angry or pushy or condescending about it. I transferred money immediately and paid the bills this morning. I texted him to let him know and he said, "thanks! Just let me know if you need any help or need me to take the bills over. That's not snarky at all, I just want to help where I can."
Hey SS! Love your post. Just shows you're in a good spot overall. Doesn't mean you don't suffer, but your overall outlook seems really positive and I'd even say inspirational.
One thing I wanted to share about being a good mom and having him involved with your D. I just talked on the phone with my mom. I have frequent calls with her and my dad. WAY more post BD because I've been on my own and needed support. One thing I told her was THANK YOU!
See, as you can see from my last post, I've lost faith in spouses (at this moment). But I realized that my mom and dad were always there for me. In my mind I found myself saying "at least parental love is real and lasting in this world". Then I immediately realized that many children don't have the love of their parents, and I felt truly blessed. I also felt more determined than ever to be there for my children so they could say the same things.
You're doing that every day and by managing your sitch you're setting a foundation that will make it much better for your kids. Maybe they won't be LBS's but some type of difficulty will come their way. Scary but true. As I type this I'm next to a man in a wheelchair and I asked myself if I'd trade my ability to walk for a good M. Rambling now but point is pain is everywhere. But at least your kids will believe in your love. Good job!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
My last thread was my growth booster. I'm hoping this thread is where I get my wings.
Things are going well. H has been so involved with and, supporting me and being there to help me out when I'm working, took the lead when D lost her first tooth and wrote a letter to her from the tooth fairy, sprinkled money with glitter... Really stuff that would all fall on my pre BD. I'm so grateful for his involvement and the feeling that I have a parenting partner that I've not has since D was born.
His parental involvement, at this point, is more important to me than our marriage. It almost feels indulgent to hope for him to be a super involved father AND an engaged and loving husband. I'll take whatever I can get and hope he feels I've met his changes on my end, too.
I can see some regrets in his eyes and I think he's surprised I'm moving on as well as I am.
I've been behind this month with all the photo sessions and working at a Banana not to mention carting D around all over the place to her various extracurriculars... I paid the bills late (three days, eeek!!) and let the account become overdrawn. H let me know and wasn't angry or pushy or condescending about it. I transferred money immediately and paid the bills this morning. I texted him to let him know and he said, "thanks! Just let me know if you need any help or need me to take the bills over. That's not snarky at all, I just want to help where I can."
I thought that was nice and genuine.
Onward!!
Good for you, SS. That was an awesome couple of exchanges.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Oh man. I just got into it big time with my D. I was very reminiscent of my mother (I don't spank but tonight i was close). I'm feeling so weak. And hormonal. I freaking hate that hormones become just another obstacle to hurdle over during all this. It feels cruel and unfair.
I was not nice at all and I'm still reeling from it all. She just doesn't respond to kind requests. I feel like she only hears me when I'm loud. H was the same way. If feel like they only really hear me when I yell. I ask nicely 100 times, then I say, "ok, I'm really starting to get frustrated, I've asked you so many times to do this and you're ignoring me completely" but when I yell, it gets done. With D there's a lot of sass and defiance and I have had it up to here with it.
And those are words my mother said to us our whole childhoods, "you only listen when I yell". I could sit on the floor and cry with the pain of all that for days... And I'm saying the same thing to my daughter. And I said it to my H, too. For years.
I realize expectations of D to do as I ask vs H doing so are different. Her level of defiance is unreal. It's part of who she is. I know this, as much as it presents it's constant challenges to me. How do I get through to her? I don't want to yell but there is a point where I feel like I've ASKED for what I need but I can't get it so I explode with the feeling of, "I warned you this was coming!!"
I can only have so much patience, be ignored so much, be defied for so long before I explode and yet it's received with surprise like it's coming out of nowhere.
There is only so much I can handle and tonight I'm waving the white flag.
I feel alone tonight, for the first time in a while. I really needed back up tonight with D but there was no one to take my back. I don't want to have to get used to that but I guess I should. It makes me resentful because I've gone so long with no support when it came to D and now I get to just keep on handling this stuff on my own. She's a difficult kid and I can only take so much.
Add to that my hormones and I am not feeling like a rock star momma at all.
Oh, SS. I so feel your pain. I am sorry. I wish I could wave a wand right now for you.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
There's not much I can say, I'm not a mom. But what I can say is that you aren't your mother. You've got a lot on your plate and you can only do so much. You are human, you are learning, and you are doing a great job.
(I totally suck at things like this - but I think you're awesome, and you are a rock star mom).
----
As for feeling like you're only being heard when you're yelling. I feel the same way. I just didn't know how to express it. Thank you for helping me see my path, by sharing your own.
*hugs*
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Ss, I think you're doing about as well as you could expect from a person in your sitch. You are seeking guidance and help, and that is better than what most people would do in your shoes.
Does she ever listen to you? Do you show your appreciation (and in her love language)? Not that I would expect that to be a magic pill...I'm sure it would take weeks or months of sustained effort to start seeing real results
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
She's a tough cookie, card. We 're looking into having her tested. She's got some interesting issues and let's face it, she's smarter than H or I which makes parenting her very difficult. She doesn't respect authority but isn't always mean about it. Her behavior is something I've been dealing with since she was old enough to misbehave.
She's a rare bird in many ways so handling and managing her consistently and well is hard, as it is for ANY parents but with and, it's close to impossible because of so many other factors.
I'm hoping testing will give us some idea of which direction we need to take. We've tried it all. Charts, rewards, punishment, therapy, occupational therapy, social group, play therapy, books, workbooks, medication... I'm exhausted and raw.
I need real answers at this point. She can't be the only child on the planet like this.
Maybell, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one with a kid like this. I feel so alone when it comes to parenting. So many of my friends' biggest issues with their kids is that they won't eat their broccoli.
I wonder what that's like... Or what it's like to sleep through the night, and 10,000 other things. ::sigh:: parenting is so freaking hard.
