Really too late....

[Maybell]

Lost, I don't understand your sitch at all but you *feel* to me like you're going through the same place I was a year ago. You don't have enough to react against but your H does feel weird and sneaky to me. I feel like you need a vet, a DB coach, or a crisis to shake some truth out of this weird limbo you're in. Wish I had better advice for you.

[lost18]

Thanks Maybell, it is weird, I don't know that it will change anytime soon. I'm sure a vet will tell me to detach and the best way to do that is to GAL! I could use some guidance on interacting with H. Unfortunately I can't afford ad DB coach.

Things seemed a little weird again today for a bit but not too long and it didn't seem like he was texting...who knows, maybe there is trouble in paradise, wishful thinking! On a positive note, out of the blue he shared something he was thinking about doing in the future. I paid attention and showed interest, probably should've said something along the lines of I think he'd be great at it (which I do believe).

I made twice baked potatoes and grilled steaks for dinner, I'm not a great griller, normally H does the grilling when he's here but I didn't ask, just did it myself.

Sitting here about 15 minutes before the new year, H went to bed around 830-9 as usual, D13 fell asleep about 45 minutes ago, D16 is out of town with friends and S19 is out....sigh....very quiet.

Here's to making it a great 2015!

[Maybell]

Happy new year! My kids stayed up and kissed me happy new year. this is the year I shake the dust of all this from my feet and live more freely. May you find freedom in 2015 too!

[lost18]

I know forgiveness is supposed to be a "gift you give yourself" but how do I forgive his ongoing relationship? Although in his mind he is single... I'm really struggling with this, I feel it physically, I feel so heated (literally) quite often lately. I want to be able to detach but living together is making this extremely difficult.

[Georgiabelle]

Lost,

I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't think the holidays help with challenging situations in life and hopefully 2015 brings you peace.

I think everyone has their own idea of what forgiveness is. I think in order to begin to start the forgiveness process that one has to let go-really let go. It doesn't mean you condone someone's behavior, however ultimately the only person you control is you I think part of forgiveness is recognizing your h made a decision. You may not like or agree with it, however you accept this is his choice.

Try to take the focus off him. As long as it's on him, you will drive yourself batty. Focus on changes and things that make your life rich and rewarding.

Hang in there!

[lost18]

Try to take the focus off him. As long as it's on him, you will drive yourself batty. Focus on changes and things that make your life rich and rewarding.

Thanks GB, I know this is what I need, just have not been able to figure out quite how to do that! sigh. I do have plans to really focus on eating right and working out as well as possibly picking up a part time job. I am going to find some fun races/obstacle races to do as well.

I am also going to TRY not to assume everytime he is texting it is OW...also difficult.

On a positive note I was able to support and encourage him today. He has talked for many years about restoring an old jeep/car. We saw one today and stopped on the way home to look at it. When we got home his wheels were turning, we talked about it, before giving my opinion I did ask if he wanted to hear it. He ended up going and buying it. I continued to be supportive and watched videos on restoring jeeps and looked at pictures.

I also have a chance for a 180, he needs room in the garage and there is tons of stuff in boxes as well as furniture as D13s team is supposed to be having a garage sale. He made a comment that we will fight about it. I have an opportunity to take care of it and make room in the garage for him.

Also, he made the comment about me not expecting it to be finished (and out of the garage) in a month. Sounds like he has no plans on moving out anytime soon.

If I'm being honest, I do feel some resentment about the financial part of this decision. He's able to go write a check for $3k without a thought but most $$ I have is strictly for bills, household things and the kids. Found some cute things for the house yesterday (talking less than $100) but couldn't buy them because I don't have extra money....sigh.

[mahhhty]

First and foremost may 2015 be your year for health, happiness and prosperity!!!

Your H is there with you. Everyday is an opportunity. I used Sandi's Rules as the guidelines for how to interact with my spouse. I suggest you do the same. It may help bring some clarity to your interactions with him.

Something else I tried to implement in my experience, when trying to understand the spouse's actions (and to keep my brain in check) was to think of everything in terms of ranges or possibilities. An example over the holiday, was when she said "You should come to my parents for Xmas because I think your nieces would really like to see you." So I would break this down to two parts; best case and worst case. Best case - she said that b/c she wants to see me. Worst case - someone in her family guilted her into saying that. This technique helps me not get carried away, and to think objectively (taking into account blinders and exceptions).

It seems that a major struggle for you is the OW and the R boundaries. How do your 180s align to R boundaries? AKA were you passive in the R and therefore being more active would be a 180?

In regards to the OW. Focusing on yourself and detaching will give you more confidence, identity, focus. Once you live the change, others will be forced to deal with the new you and the sky is the limit.

[lost18]

First and foremost may 2015 be your year for health, happiness and prosperity!!!

You too!

Your H is there with you. Everyday is an opportunity. I used Sandi's Rules as the guidelines for how to interact with my spouse. I suggest you do the same. It may help bring some clarity to your interactions with him.

I read them Sandi's rules often, some I'm doing well on, others I need more work. I think I will look at those and use those to set some new goals.

It seems that a major struggle for you is the OW and the R boundaries. How do your 180s align to R boundaries? AKA were you passive in the R and therefore being more active would be a 180?

We were doing something in the garage today, I saw him texting prior to us going out there and I had come in the house and when I went back outside he was texting again. I used that as an opportunity to reiterate my boundary. Didn't go exactly like I wanted tho. It went something like this

M: "I hope you aren't breaking the agreement we had about not texting or communicating with other people while we're home."
H: (smirk) "Is that what you think I'm doing."
M: "I don't know that you are doing that right now but I think you have."
H: "yes" and then we got sidetracked or interrupted and that was the end of it.

So, I guess I got my point across although not a firmly as I would have liked, don't know if he really cares. I will do my best to take Elsa's advice from now on and believe he is not texting OP.

As far as the 180's go I've been trying to figure that out, we've lived apart for 6 years so I'm really struggling with that. One of the big issues that I could really do some 180's with I can't right now because it would be pursuing. He felt like I wasn't attracted to him sexually, unfortunately he is not open to that at all.....

In regards to the OW. Focusing on yourself and detaching will give you more confidence, identity, focus. Once you live the change, others will be forced to deal with the new you and the sky is the limit.

I know this is true, still struggling with this big time. Thanks for support!

[mahhhty]

I don't have the experience or knowledge that the vets have. But I am here for you. I think you are doing great. The grieving process isn't linear, and having him there must be difficult. But remember he is there, and that means that there is opportunity.

[lost18]

I don't have the experience or knowledge that the vets have. But I am here for you. I think you are doing great.

Thanks, I really do appreciate it.

But remember he is there, and that means that there is opportunity.

Having him here is extremely difficult, but you are right I have more of an opportunity than many others here.

My IC keeps telling me to quit living in fear, but that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm afraid to give up, afraid to have hope. I read thru this thread the other day, I do see where he has backed off, or so it seems. We were doing more one on one time before Thanksgiving. Going to do some mind-reading I do feel there are a few possibilities as to why. 1) maybe things had cooled off with OW at the time and now have picked back up 2)maybe he felt like he was giving me false hope 3)it could be that he is in more pain than before with his back or 4)with the holidays we had less opportunities.

I'm am really torn emotionally, he has not shown me in anyway that he is interested in reconnecting, still seems to be having some sort of R with an OW but yet has not moved forward with D at all, hasn't mentioned telling the kids, made any plans to move out or filed. I am just afraid the longer this goes on if he moves forward the harder it will be on me emotionally.

I know I said that I was going to try to trust that he is not openly contacting OW, not so easy. I say the serenity prayer a lot! Maybe I'll try to recite that when I think he may be texting her.

On a positive note, I have finally started the past few days focusing on being more healthy, drinking more water, eating better and although I haven't run in a couple of weeks I started walking my dog in the morning. Focus on the positives.