The mediator called yesterday...it was a very difficult and sad phone call to have. I brokedown a few times while on the phone with him, it was embarrassing.
A short while later me, W, S4&S1 were in the living room just having fun. I looked at S4, so unbelievably innocent and sweet and got very upset. My W said she was going out for a while and was telling me bc she "has to think about these types of things now in fear of me arguing she is never home"
I snapped and told her the only thing she should be thinking about is breaking the kids hearts and that she is making the biggest mistake of hdr life. I was visibly upset and it wasn't good.
I'm obviously having a hard time detaching, especially bc of the living situation, but I'm having an exceedingly difficult time when thinking of my boys. Knowing that 70-80% of these wives try to come back and that relationships that start as affairs have a 2-3% chance of long term success, I can't help but see collateral damage when I see my boys... It's crushing me.
Sorry for the rant, just having a rough day
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Mvg. This is the place to rant Don't beat yourself up over backslide. Learn from it. Your W doesn't want to hear anything from you at the moment The biggest lesson to learn is to STFU. work on you and take each day as it comes You will get through this , with or without W. I'm no vet but boundaries seem to be in order re OM Take care. Rd
Having a very rough few days. Earlier today I came across an old text message on my phone and I realized that my W took me, S4&S1 to OM apartment for a play date with his two girls just 48 hours before BD...
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
My 3 kids took over my bed so I'm relegated to the couch doing some reading:). I just read your thread and I'm sorry you find yourself here. You've gotten some great advice from some wise peeps like Starsky, Theoden, Labug and T2. And wise advice from some newbies. You sound like a good guy and a loving father. That's awesome!
I'm no vet but there were several things in your sitch that resonated with me. I know you are close to your W's parents. Please note they are in a difficult spot. My x ILs actually spent Christmas with me as their son (xh) hasn't spoken to them in almost a year. However, I'm probably the exception versus the norm as they help me in many, many ways. I'm grateful for that and I also know how much they love and are hurt by their son. Kinda svkks to watch.
I see how much you want to protect your kids and I 100% completely relate. I am one of those crazy overachievers and my h said at BD the children were the most important thing to me. And he was right. I didn't put my M first. However, my focus now is certainly on helping them through something that doesn't really happen in either of our families. Guilting or shaming your w won't work. Right now, (and maybe forever- who knows?) she's the victim (apparently wearing a tiara I might add) in all of this. Don't engage in crazy. You will feel absolutely bat$h!t and that won't help your kids. Focus on them. Let your w go. She wants to go. I know it hurts- I do. You will see things differently in time.
In regards to seeing old TMs that had you feeling nostalgic for the woman you loved. Don't. Go. There. Funny for you. I was so perplexed right after BD that I needed to apply my always present logic ( I'm very logical. Xh is super sensitive and runs on sheer emotion. He actually has said a number of times that he doesn't understand how I can function being so logical:-). I went back through old text messages and saw how xh loved me. Sent me flirty texts daily. Told me how funny and beautiful I was. And just as I teared up, I inadvertently dropped my phone into a huge mug of coffee. I was so upset at first and I realized the universe was trying to tell me to "stop doing that to myself!!!" Don't torture yourself. What you had was real and you have 2 beautiful kids as a result.
Finally, in regards to your wife's mental health issues, IMHO, this is something she must own. I dealt with that for 11 years with xh and I think I secretly hoped *something* truly worked. I'm not a metal health expert ( just an armchair psychologist and relationship advisor to my friends:) but mental health issues can be exceptionally challenging.
Don't try to make your wife out to be something she's not to your kids. Trust me. You will regret that because there will probably come a time when they call you out on *defending* her inappropriate behavior. Just remind them how much she loves them. She will figure out her R with them on her own.
Just thought I would chime in. I think you are doing well be kind to yourself. T2 suggested Norwegian death metal but I'll suggest Cinderella or the Crüe:).
Hang in there. You will be great:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 01/05/1504:14 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Knowing that 70-80% of these wives try to come back and that relationships that start as affairs have a 2-3% chance of long term success, I can't help but see collateral damage when I see my boys..
I don't know how accurate these figures are MVG, but I have seen something similar and THAT is what keeps me going.. If only timeframes were mentioned!!.. Knowing that at some stage they MIGHT come back is now giving me peace..
I have hit a point where I am detaching better than I ever have, and it has been a hard road to get here (and I still haven't reached the destination!!) but I have to look at the positives.. I just hope it isn't too late for my W if she decides to return..
I also understand EXACTLY what you are saying about collateral damage.. I quite often look at my 2 S's and wonder what they are thinking about all of this..
Me:35 W:31 S6 + S9 T: 10 years M: 7 years BD: 7/2014 S: 8/2014 W has new BF: 12/2014 Still fighting the good fight!!..
Thank you all for replying. After another night of nightmares, it's nice to wake up to some positive thoughts, greatly appreciated.
My FIL was here the other night, he actually got teary eyed in front of me and stbxw and said his daughter couldn't have picked a better husband. That was a very nice thing to hear even though it doesn't change anything. He's great and I'm upset we can't speak right now.
You're right, my kids are my life, 100%....perhaps that contributed to why I'm here in the first place. However, they are babies and I don't feel like I should apologize for that at this stage of their lives. (not that you think I should)
The old TMs were hard, but the one from yesterday had nothing to do with nostalgia or good feelings at all. I was really pissed off that stbxw took me to OM apartment within two days of BD. OM was giving S4 airplane rides around his apartment, he and my wife were standing waaay too close, they were talking about "their favorite beer"....all right in front of me. I'm angry but more so, I feel like a complete moron.
Your last point resonates with me. My kids will grow up seeing that I love them more than anything in the world. That they come first and always will. I want to give them the absolute best life that I can. If stbxw wants to participate, fantastic. She'll have her own chances to create a life for them as well and I hope it's a great one.
I'm gonna go crank up Kickstart My Heart and get ready for the day.
MrBond, the 80% stats I read here at one point, who knows about their accuracy. The 2% stat I read on the internet somewhere....so it is true
Thanks everyone.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Detachment happens. You can't control it. You can't really "detach". When you can't function anymore, you begin to detach. Detachment for me meant numbness (I didn't care anymore). It's a defense mechanism to prevent emotional pain from destroying us.
Right now all you want to do is scream at your wife and tell her stop this insane merry-go-round she is putting you and your children through.
To be honest, it's kind of hard to pull a zen mind-trick and detach from all this.
Anger helps a bit with detachment. It's the first step in self-preservation.
Humor does too. I suggest you visit the site Chump Lady. Lots of humor there. You'll cry, you'll laugh, you'll get pissed. Check it out. Really, it might help you detach.
The only thing that will send a clear message to her is for you to move on. Divorcing her is moving on. She either changes her mind or she doesn't. If she does, great. If she doesn't, you protect yourself and your kids.
Actions speak louder than words. You've tried all the words you can try: begging, pleading, expressing love, demanding respect, setting boundaries. None of them seem to work.
So divorce the princess. That's something she'll understand. Get the best settlement financially you can and get at least 50% custody of the kids. That will say something clear to her. Your kids need one sane parent: you be that parent.
Divorce is a sh*t sandwich handed to us by our crazy spouses that hurts our children. No one said our life would be easy. This is your great trial.
Look -- of course she is going to have you visit the OM's house days just before she drops the bomb. This is textbook behavior. My ex screwed the OM in our car and in our house.
Look, some people s*ck. And some of them will have affairs shamelessly and expect everyone to be OK with it.
Once you realize and accept that right now (and perhaps forever more) your wife s*cks, you might start moving on. You can't detach when you still are in a state of shock and disbelief, because you think SOMEHOW, your wife will snap out of it, since only a cruel person would act this way, and your wife can't be cruel.
Right now she is quite cruel.
You can treat it like a fog or temporary insanity, but that will only hinder you ability to detach and take steps to protect yourself. Treat her like someone who is unethical and mean.
