Wife having emotional affair part 4

[3kids]

Hi all, just posting because I'm bored at work. Haven't heard from the wife in three days. No texts no calls, not even to the kids. Kids said OM doesn't come into town till after Christmas. So don't know what's up with her. I hope she is really thinking over her choice maybe to quite school, that would be a real shame. To through away that much time and money. I can't lie I'm kinda really worried about her. She is one of those people to fly by the seat of her pants. And to not hear from her or for the kids kinda worries me, on her depression and anxiety. I'm sure her family would call me if there is something wrong with her.

I have been having a great time with the kids. Right now I wish I could talk better with my 12 year old. He is really angry and every word that comes out of my mouth we argue about or he yells about. So I have tried to stop, once an argument starts, I stop talking and he gets mad and goes up to his room. Last night he came out for dinner. The other two kids and I where making cookies and he came out decorated four and went back up to his room. I think this Christmas is really bothering him but he is never one to open up about anything. Wish I could figure out how to talk to him better.

The daughter let out some feelings last night at bed time, which she hasn't done in a long time. She wants to wake up with both of us. But she knows it isn't going to happen as long as mom has OM(her words). Makes her sad.

Even the little guy is acting a little out of sorts. Every night he cries about sleeping with me. I get him to bed and sometime during the night he comes crawling into bed with me. Even he is a little sad. And he is my happy camper always. Maybe it's just the Christmas stuff, it is our first Christmas apart as a family.

Have some honorable man questions for everyone. I paid for all the kids to buy presents for mom and dad like we always did. It's something they like to do and it's pretty cheap. But doesn't this go against buying the wife presents or gifts. Second question is, so I think I have the health insurance all figured out for the family. But if she isn't going to be in school anymore should I just let her figure out her own insurance. That's was one of the main reasons I got her insurance, so she could stay in school. And the third question is this if and when she moves out of the old house and into an apartment. Do I help move her? She is basically living with OM as it is right now. He comes home 11 days out of the month and spends probably most of the time with them at my old house. So I don't want to but unsure how to set that boundary(heck no let your boyfriend move you, when he's home, ha ha joking). She says her next place is just going to be her own and he is not helping. She wants to live on her own with out anybody. But yet he is still there when he is home. That's why she is considering quitting school. Because she can't afford a place on her own with out working full time.

So any help would be great. Thanks for reading!

[PatientMan]

I will tell you what I would do, but what do you think you should do and why?

-PM

[3kids]

Thanks PM, I did decide to pay for all the kids to get presents for there mom. It's more about the kids so it for the best. Made there Christmas better. As far as the insurance I think as for now I'll keep her on the insurance. It doesn't cost me any more to have her on it. If the divorce ever happens then I'll ask her to find her own. As far as her moving that I think I'm pretty set in stone on not helping her. Time for her to put her big girl stuff on. Plus I'm to busy with my new life, right!?!

As far as Christmas went me and the kids had a great time. I don't think I have ever been that lonely like Christmas morning with out the kids. I did like everything else make it through it. The wife doesn't call or text. And I'm kind of getting use to it. Only talks to me in person. She wished she didn't miss any of the family get togethers that we always have. There was a miss communication on time she was supposed to pick up the kids on Christmas Day. So the kids where kind of mad at me because they where supposed to have this big dinner with her before OM came back into town. They where really looking forward to it, as I found out. She did end up doing pretty good with them for Christmas. I was very happy with all the stuff she got for them. She even planned a outing with each of them individual. The oldest and her get to go to a season final football game. Way to go mom! Sounds like she is really starting to put an effort to her and the kids. Like working full time while she is on Christmas break from school. Even though OM is home. Proud of her.

Wish I could figure out my happiness. I really have been struggling to figure it out. Yes my kids make me over happy. But on a personal level I struggle a lot. I also have been struggling to figure out how to deal with my oldest. He has so much anger right now. Yes I know he is a teenager but a lot more is directed at me.

Thanks

[3kids]

This might be a long post but need to get some stuff out.

Let's start out by saying on Friday, it was not a good day. I didn't have my kids and the day off. I got the house all cleaned and oil changed in the truck. Cleaned the truck, did laundry. Went for a walk. All by noon. I sat down and watched a movie, made myself a drink. And that's when it went bad. I wasn't in the right place to have a drink and they continued. Called my mom crying on how my life [censored] right now. Man I feel like such a weak man after doing that. Ignored a text from the oldest and a call from his mom. Asking some questions about the up coming week. I don't know what they where thinking because she has tickets for today's NFL game with the oldest. And he wanted to go up north fishing for the weekend with his grandpa. Which he couldn't have done with out not going to the football game. I feel like such a heel for not answering the boy. But I just couldn't.

I thought if I could just put some space between the wife and I. I could detach more. Like not answering some phone calls and text. And replying to some at a later time or taking some phone calls. But it's worked the opposite way. She doesn't text or call as much now. And I actually miss hearing from her. I find myself wondering what she or they are doing. And I haven't ever done that. She is really quiet now and doesn't talk much. Except the basics about the kids. Maybe I miss the friendship part, I don't know. Last time she picked up the kids she was wondering about birthday parties for the kids. And I said well you can do your side and I'll have mine. Just like we should do. Like we are going to do for the rest of there parties. Maybe that was wrong I don't know. But we are not a happy family together anymore. And I just got the feeling that's what she was trying to do. She didn't respond, so who knows.

In the books it says try something for awhile and if you don't feel like it's is working stop doing it. Is this working? Not for me because I'm not feeling more detached. Just more empty. I don't know maybe I should do the birthdays together. Just really confused right now.

Thanks 3kids

[PatientMan]

Thanks PM, I did decide to pay for all the kids to get presents for there mom. It's more about the kids so it for the best. Made there Christmas better. As far as the insurance I think as for now I'll keep her on the insurance. It doesn't cost me any more to have her on it. If the divorce ever happens then I'll ask her to find her own. As far as her moving that I think I'm pretty set in stone on not helping her. Time for her to put her big girl stuff on. Plus I'm to busy with my new life, right!?!

That's pretty much exactly what I was thinking regarding your questions:

1) The presents are more about the kids than they are about your W. Let the kids decide and then forget about it completely. End of story.

2) I - as in me, personally - would keep her on insurance as long as we were married, but I wouldn't mention anything to her about the subject. Don't point it out that she's still on, that she has to find her own if she goes through with D, just leave her on and forget about. To me, that seems like the honorable thing to do. She's a grown woman - she knows her actions have consequences and doesn't need warnings from you about it (think about whether the warnings are for her or for you ).

3) I would not help her move at all, and would be insulted (or ACT insulted if you don't feel it, because you should) if she asked me to move. Don't have any expectations for her to ask you (as in: don't walk around with a chip on your shoulder), but you've made it clear you don't agree with her decisions (although you must accept and respect them) and you are under no obligation to facilitate them.

Wish I could figure out my happiness. I really have been struggling to figure it out. Yes my kids make me over happy. But on a personal level I struggle a lot. I also have been struggling to figure out how to deal with my oldest. He has so much anger right now. Yes I know he is a teenager but a lot more is directed at me.

Thanks

Happiness comes from within, not without. Cultivate where it counts.

-PM

[3kids]

I hope the new year will bring everyone great happiness!

Last night I think I had an epiphoni. God showed me signs and I listened. I learnt a lot about me and my situation and the wife.

First let's start out by saying I haven't been in a good place lately. Been hitting the bottle more than I should have. Had an argument with the wife yesterday afternoon and it got pretty heated. It all started with my oldest going up fishing with his grandpa. I was going to pick him up Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. He called and asked if he could stay up till the afternoon. I said sure not thinking anything of it. But it was exchange time with wife and she got very angry because it totally screwed up her plans of New Years. During the heated discussion I said some mean things to her. Towards her morals and not thinking about the kids. Even let her know that I was hurting. Because of Christmas and New Year's Eve. But that's ok because I was hurting. It was my first Christmas with out waking up with them on that day and also my first New Years with out celebrating with them. But I also let her know next year she will have the same thing. My emotions where high and I did not catch my self and brought up the divorce. How come she hasn't done anything on it yet.

What I realized was that she just wants to play out her fantasy to see if it will work out. She gave me a lot of info that I didn't know. She does not want the divorce. She even said fine you go and get all the paper work and we will do it. This person doesn't want to divorce me. She just wants to have her fantasy and keep me as a back up when it fails. She told me you don't know me and what's in my head. That's why she's not going to move in with him because she just doesn't know yet. She feels like I'm avoiding her by not calling her back or answering her texts. She made a comment that I'm not thinking of her anymore.

What this means to me because god showed me is. After all my attempts to go out last night. I didn't because I was drinking. So I dumped all my alcohol down the drain. It kept me from enjoying the night. With her I am avoiding her. I can answer the phone and just keep it short and simple and act like I'm busy. I can tell that by the phone convo today. I knew the kids forgot there snow pants at my house. So I put the spare key back for them. She called and I answered. She asked if she can run over and grab them. I said I'm not home but the kids know where the spare key is. She said oh your at work(mostly when I answer her phone calls). I said no and the kids know where they are and nicely hung up.

I'm not focusing on me and my kids right now and I need to. I bought a book today. Codependant no more, and I'm really excited to read it. I thought of a ton of activities that I want to try for me and the kids. Got my hands on a community guide book for cheap ideas.

For the first time in a month. I feel control coming back and I like it a a lot. Yes I messed up with the angry convo with the wife but it's over. Move on!

Unsure on how I should handle the boys birthdays. Do I try to keep them seperate. Her do her thing and I do the same. Or do I show the confident man and say sure we can have a dinner with them.

It's a new year and a new 3kids! Looking forward to it!

[TenBook]

Great bounce back, wishing you a great year ahead.

[3kids]

Today something happened and I just want to jot it down.

Last night the wife dropped off the kids. I was in a great PMA mode. I was reading codependency no more. And it was starting to hit home. Anyways she dropped them off and we said hello. I said thanks for bringing all there snow stuff. And ended it. She just stood there. I asked every thing ok and she said yes and left abrubtly. I started to play with the kids and my curiosity got the best of me. I sent a text asking if she was ok. She said no but hopefully she will be. Just ask the kids I'm sure THEY will tell you. I said they told me you fell and hurt your self are you ok. She said yes but I'm dealing with other issues. I said as long as your ok and have a good weekend. She said I hope I will be ok thanks you careing enough to ask means a lot.

Well I didn't ask the kids. As the night went on the kids started telling me about this terrible cabin that they stayed at with mom and OM. Nasty writing lover the walls and just a scary place. Then they said that OM blew up and they didn't get to stay the whole time and mom was crying. Apparently the youngest two were kind crying because it was cold and scary and they where not having fun anymore(old type of cabin with wood stove in the woods and run down). And he snapped at every one and said that they where leaving in a very mean way. The wife even told the kids something to the extent that at least she still had them. I didn't understand that part.

Thoughts raced through my head as I went to bed about this mans anger. If he ever touches my kids on what I would do. And what I could not do because I would be in jail then. I got my self calmed down and finally fell asleep.

Then came to day my sisters husband and son took us out ice fishing. We had a blast. Caught some fish and headed to the wife's brothers kids birthday party. This party I didn't get invited to but the kids did. When the wife dropped of the kids I asked about the presents for them. And she said I didn't buy any. I held back my anger and said no problem. I thought to my self it's still my nephews and I love them. I was just going to drop off the kids and presents at the party because it was a family party on her side. I get a phone call when we get done with fishing from her brother saying that if I wanted to stay I could because the wife is not coming. I told him we will see. I was really looking forward to it. All the family that I miss and so truly love. But when I got there I just couldn't stay. I watched the kids open the presents and left. It just felt so uncomfortable. Not just for me but it seemed like everyone there was uncomfortable with me being there. Her mom and dad could barely look at me. Let alone start a convo with me. Some of the other family where fine. I just miss the norm with them. I did keep a good PMA during the 15 minutes I was there but when I left I almost started to cry. Her family was such a big part of my life. Just really sad about that.

Get the kids back in an hour and back to having fun with them and some friends of mine tonight.

[TenBook]

I was told by my DB coach that an affair is ultimately a fantasy. I am beginning to understand this now.

[Georgiabelle]

There is a great deal of " fantasy" associated with an A. However, I would caution anyone to put a timeframe on said fantasy. The A may last for 3 months, 3 years or lead to marriage and last 30 years. That's why it's do important to take the focus off your spouse and OP. The A will last as long as it lasts and it doesn't mean that there won't be another. I don't say that to be harsh- just honest.