Hiya! I'm Wonka and read your thread because I admire a mature 22-year old stepping up and doing some hard lifting to improve himself. Many 22-year olds are a lot more interested in keeping score on how many Silver Bullets they can down at one time on a Saturday night at some young people's bar where men and women neck out in a restroom stall.
I want to disabuse you of the notion that a reconciliation can happen in a month's time as you just lamented above in your post. I've been around the boards for a long time and the shortest reconciliation time was approximately 8 months. Even that is a rarity. Generally speaking, it typically occurs about 1 to 2 years of hoard core DBing. Mind you, it is not a guarantee.
It always comes down to the free-will choices of both parties to reconcile or not. However, your actions DO have influence on your WAW.
Remember this is a marathon...not the 50-yard dash.
Hey Wonka! Thanks for reading my thread and thank you for the words of encouragement!
Yes, I believe I have been impatient. I think this is due to my feelings of anger and rejection. My mantra throughout has been "Forever is a long time." in hopes that W will see my actions and that I am trying to become a person, one that she wants to be with. I have accepted my responsibility for the actions that caused W to leave and have taken steps to improve. However, I am still very angry that she would leave in the first place. I sometimes think that W and I have different values in life (I would have never given up on my family, and she didn't even try counseling). I feel she is acting very selfishly and I feel like I have been deceived.
Like you said, there are no guarantees. She may never come back. I have accepted that I am staring down the barrel of the divorce gun. I have accepted that.
I believe you when you say that my actions do have an effect on W. What advice would you give me concerning my new friend in a similar situation?
Last edited by lnlyshp; 12/30/1408:54 PM.
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
If you reread DR and marriage myths of course you and W have different values and outlooks.
The anger is very important to manage as that comes from fear itself and possibly shame. The element to take into account is resentment as that will keep getting in the way. With your IC I would tackle this as it is often a big issue and can be very frightening to deal with by spouses. Disappointment, lack of love and attraction can all be handled between two; but anger is debilitating. Your anger is understandable and natural and no blame by having this. But detachment is better as it will give you space.
You probably have been decieved, lied to, manipulated and lots of other things too some you may never know about! But DB is about getting on for you.
Frankly your new friend is a friend with a child of similar age and I would leave it at that, otherwise you invite unpleasantness from W. I would prefer you had a mix of single parent friends so you can get different views and who could object to you joining a single parents group? Keep it light and very very breezy.
As always
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/30/1410:48 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Didn't have S last night so I went to the bar with a couple of friends. Its been a while since I've had a night out, so that was fun. Got a little drunk so my friend drove me home. Woke up early as W was dropping off S, she asks where my car was. I play dumb and say "Oh no! My car! Where is it?!" as I was just trying to be playful. I think I came off too obnoxious and she got upset with me. I was just trying to make a joke, I will have to watch that in the future.
Texted "thank you for dropping him off. sorry, i didn't mean to upset you." She responded "yep". She explained that she was worried I had got into a car crash or something and the way I joked made her upset. I mean, I get that I came off as rude but its not like I was being intentionally mean to her (like she is to me).
The whole shtick is getting real old. I don't want to give up but I'm getting really sick of being treated like I'm the worst person on the earth. I realize I can't change her attitude, but I'm still having trouble detaching and not hanging on every one of her words and feelings.
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
lnlyshp - It's been awhile. I tried to catch up on your story. May 2015 bring you all that you seek!!!
Originally Posted By: lnlyshp
My mantra throughout has been "Forever is a long time."
I'm interested... Why did you choose this mantra? Why does this speak to you?
Originally Posted By: lnlyshp
Texted "thank you for dropping him off. sorry, i didn't mean to upset you." She responded "yep". She explained that she was worried I had got into a car crash or something and the way I joked made her upset. I mean, I get that I came off as rude but its not like I was being intentionally mean to her (like she is to me).
Are you detaching? How do you think you're doing?
Originally Posted By: lnlyshp
I don't want to give up but I'm getting really sick of being treated like I'm the worst person on the earth. I realize I can't change her attitude, but I'm still having trouble detaching and not hanging on every one of her words and feelings.
I think DB & DR both talk to this point. I definitely have felt this way. I made a promise to myself, that it isn't over until I want it to be. In other words, hope is mine to let go or to hang on. Your child will be happier with Mom and Dad under the same roof in a happy, compassionate, respectful relationship. Something I had to think about is that my W loved me enough to marry me, and what we had was no mistake. However, things changed over time and I showed her a glimpse into her future and reinforced that this was the right decision. I no longer give her any ammo for that frame of mind. I focus on the process not the outcome.
I hope some of this is applicable for you.
Last edited by mahhhty; 01/03/1503:21 AM.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
However, things changed over time and I showed her a glimpse into her future and reinforced that this was the right decision. I no longer give her any ammo for that frame of mind. I focus on the process not the outcome.
Great advice!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
mahhhhty my man, great to hear from you again. Thanks for the advice. I gotta catch up on your sich as well.
"Forever is a long time." I chose this mantra because, although she is firm on no reconciliation now, her feelings may change in the future. The idea that we will never be together again is one that I obviously have trouble accepting, so I tell myself that just because things are bad now, it doesn't mean that they will be this way forever.
I go back and forth on detachment. Some days I feel that I'm doing well and beginning to "let her go", other days like today, I wake up incredibly depressed because I know we will be trading S and I don't look forward to those meetings anymore.
Quote:
However, things changed over time and I showed her a glimpse into her future and reinforced that this was the right decision. I no longer give her any ammo for that frame of mind. I focus on the process not the outcome.
Can you explain a little bit more what you mean by this? By "right decision", you're talking about getting married, correct? What frame of mind did you stop giving ammo for?
- lonelyship
Me 23, Her 21 1S 2 M <1yr, T 7 WAW: She moved out 11/15/2014 She started D process 1/29/15
Ahhh... I understand the Forever is a Long Time now. That is a good frame of mind, and that reinforces the idea of hope. I think thats a great mindset.
Quote:
Some days I feel that I'm doing well and beginning to "let her go", other days like today, I wake up incredibly depressed because I know we will be trading S and I don't look forward to those meetings anymore.
I felt this way on days there is a transition (a kid swap). However, I now look at that time (however short it may be) as an opportunity. Many people have reiterated on my post that one of the best things we can do as fathers, is show how much we love and care for our children, really become immersed in their lives and become as active as possible. Use these "transitions" to show her how happy you are (even if you must fake it) and how much you love to see your S.
Quote:
Can you explain a little bit more what you mean by this? By "right decision", you're talking about getting married, correct? What frame of mind did you stop giving ammo for?
The Mrs. and I were going through a rough patch, but I was withdrawn and passive. I didn't effectively help address our issues, nor did I change for the better. I ended up changing for the worse and becoming more withdrawn. Therefore, when she thought the D was an option I was showing her the worst of me, not the best. Hence I reinforced her decision and showed her it was the correct one to make (the decision being the D). Now I am totally turning that stuff around, I no longer show her any poor qualities of myself in person. The little interaction we have, I prepare for, I cut my hair, wear cologne, dress nice, I get my mind right, I don't get in conversations that I can't handle in person or in front of the munchkins, I leave my phone in the car so I can be active with the kids and with her, I treat her and the kids with care and compassion, I leave on my terms like I have places to be with people who want to spend time with me. I am showing her the best of me. Therefore, I am not giving her any ammo to justify a D. All of these things help me become the me I want to be <- this is what I mean about focusing on the process and not the outcome... In a way I think this confuses her. B/C here we are on the edge of D, and I am the outgoing, compassionate person she fell for.
I started doing this b/c I researched "Love Languages" and determined which ones speak to her. Then I incorporated that behavior into every transition time.
Does that make sense?
Thats a lot about what I am doing, but hopefully there is something(s) in there that can work for you!
Last edited by mahhhty; 01/03/1511:19 PM.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I'm Wonka and read your thread because I admire a mature 22-year old stepping up and doing some hard lifting to improve himself. Many 22-year olds are a lot more interested in keeping score on how many Silver Bullets they can down at one time on a Saturday night at some young people's bar where men and women neck out in a restroom stall.