Well my 0,02$. Don't remind yourself, be thankful that you do not ponder on the subject all the time. Don't think about her, it really does no one no good, not you and not her...
Is it a sign of detachment that you need to remind yourself to think about your W and the situation? I am finding more and more that my mind is no longer 'defaulting' to this. Of course it comes and it goes but it seems like the frequency is lessening.
Not to me. Then again I like many here have struggled with it. I think true detachment lands when you no longer are affected by what the do or don't do emotionally. I can go a long time not thinking about it, even when a trigger happens that once would get me to .... its when she does something that temps me to react ... thats when I know I am not detached .. this too has decreased over time.
Is it a sign of detachment that you need to remind yourself to think about your W and the situation? I am finding more and more that my mind is no longer 'defaulting' to this. Of course it comes and it goes but it seems like the frequency is lessening.
Not to me. Then again I like many here have struggled with it. I think true detachment lands when you no longer are affected by what the do or don't do emotionally. I can go a long time not thinking about it, even when a trigger happens that once would get me to .... its when she does something that temps me to react ... thats when I know I am not detached .. this too has decreased over time.
When you realize they don't really care or they don't care enough eventually it won't be that hard.
Great thanks for insight from DaddyLongShanks, CaliGuy, and Vapo regarding detachment. Had another great day. Work again was busy and productive, 2.5 D was SO excited when I picked her up from DC, then we went to our close friends house for dinner + play date with their two kids. Their oldest (3.5 D) is SUPER with my D and they played great. We got home a little past D's bedtime, she wanted to sit on the couch with me for a few minutes then it was bedtime. She's been DOWN ever since.
I know I am doing a great job being her father these days. We have a lot of fun and really good quality time together, and the fact that she sleep so well means she is having fun, productive days. Tomorrow AM we go to the indoor 'jump park' with another friend and his 2.5 D, them pass off to W around noon.
Am pretty tired myself so can't really find the whimsical words I've recently been penning, but I do have my trademark...
QUESTION FOR ANYONE!
We've been separated since T-giving and I am REALLY enjoying this time...a lot. The first week or so I was still too focused on "my wife" until a wonderful + wise (member) 'sandi2' gave me the following advice...
"...you have a W who is engaging in a behavior that you will see has & will change her character a great deal. She is not the same girl you married."
It was like someone had explained the theory or relativity in a few paragraphs, and ever since then, my clarity has gotten greater and greater...and greater. It totally put me a peace with the situation. I think about it every day and it really helps.
So, the question is, does anyone have a 'general' timelines that I can expect before the next 'big thing' happens with my WAW, like (me) being served divorce papers, etc? I am very content with how I am living now, quality time with my D, the noise and stress from not being around my W is phenomenal, and the time I have to myself which I am using for myself (or maybe shopping or doing something for D). Again, I am living HARD on the 180 with only contact being that (which) she initiates (which is always about our D) and when I respond I keep it light, easy-breezy, and don't deviate from THE RULES, stick to the subject of our D.
So, ANY INSIGHT OR EXPERIENCE FROM ANYONE, would be hugely appreciated because I would be curious to know if / when things might change. Again, just looking for a timeline, "rule-of-thumb" for when the next 'big thing' or change may happen. I have my ducks in a row from a practical side (protecting myself with professional consult) so I have that angle covered, I am more interested in other people's experience after they have already traversed the same road that I am now walking.
Thank you for the continued support!!
Standing by.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
You seem to have a pretty good grasp of general DBing guidelines and its good to see this happening early on in your sitch.
Originally Posted By: luvmypg
So, the question is, does anyone have a 'general' timelines that I can expect before the next 'big thing' happens with my WAW, like (me) being served divorce papers, etc? I
A word to the wise about "expecting being served with divorce papers" as it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You would want to focus on reconciliation and on how envision it will come about. Focus on how your words, actions, and behaviors can effect your interactions with W.
As for your question, here is what I have to say:
If I can change into God, then just maybe I'll be able to read the crystal ball perfectly. Who knows how your sitch will turn out. However, I do want to emphasize that your actions DO have influence on W and your situation.
We cannot answer this because we are not inside your W's mind. This process is different for each OP based on their personalities, backgrounds, cultural influences, etc. Some WASes do see how things are playing out. Some just simply push forward because it is very hard for them to climb down from this path and admit that they were/are wrong.
Unfortunately, as long as they get their "fix" or "hit" from the OP drug they're not in a reflective state of mind. It is all ME...ME...ME.
Having been around the boards for quite bit, I have NEVER seen a M turn around in 8 months or less. The average, based on my direct observations here, is usually between 1 to 2 years of hard core DBing.
All of this is dependent on the free-will choices of both parties and their intention.
Very wise words and I really value your insight regarding some timelines...and what may happen next.
Eight months (in the least), I can see that. The question I have, is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back? Part of me feels I don't have a real place on the 'DB Forum' because as it stands right now, I have zero attraction to my W, and don't see myself being with someone which I am not attracted to. I don't want to sound like I am wasting anyone's time but honesty is the first rule here, right?
Just got back from a great evening out w/ one of my very close friends. We went to a local restaurant for dinner, a couple beers (probably my eighth and ninth beers, in total, since separation began) and some NFL playoff action. Now just winding down, thinking about church tomorrow and another quiet day to myself.
As always, looking forward to feedback, and appreciate everything that been brought to me by folks, so far.
Standing by.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
To set the scene and understand why I feel this way, just hand a 'hand off' at our home, where WAW had our D for a few hours after picking her up from DC. While she (WAW) was here, playing / interacting with our D, they played out a scene from one of our D's favorite Disney movies, and my W began to sing to our D. Of course our D loves that and it makes her smile and makes her happy. A few minutes prior, D was getting upset because (she knew) my W was getting ready to leave. While WAW was singing, I had to FIGHT back the urge to scream "GET THE F OUT OF HERE YOU NARCISSISTIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING".
It was like I was angry at her for being a good mother because I don't feel like she is being a good mother. I am confident that her time with our daughter cannot be 'true' quality time because (when) people are in the depths of new relationships, lust, and the emotion that goes with all of that (like my WAW is in) they are only focused on the next time they will be with that person, the OM and everything else is a lower priority.
I was so (internally) mad at my wife, for doing what she doing, breaking our family apart and making our D feel sad like that, whenever she gets ready to leave. Maybe I am projecting my feelings on our 2.5 D? It is hard to say because in my soul my wife may be the least attractive woman I know right now. I detest her and the idea of what she is doing (to our family and another) and think she has checked out, and her perception of reality is skewed beyond the idea of rational understanding.
Anyhow, I of course did / said nothing. Stood by calmly with a smile and kept it ALL together. One-eight-zero is the name of the game and I kept the entire visit 'light and breezy'. WAW even commented on 'you dressing up for work these days?' because I had a meeting / presentation at the office. I liked my outfit (pressed white shirt, gray v-neck wool sweater, tan pants and my new favorite leather shoes). Meeting was great, work was great, weather today was great, and I felt AWESOME the whole day...until I felt the way I did about WAW.
Feel okay now, still feeling detached, knowing this person is not the one I loved and this is who she has changed into, and is still changing. It definitely helps to have this resource to write to, get thoughts down, and hear feedback from everyone.
So, to circle back, and dovetail this post I again ask:
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
As always, looking forward to feedback, and appreciate everything
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
To set the scene and understand why I feel this way, just hand a 'hand off' at our home, where WAW had our D for a few hours after picking her up from DC. While she (WAW) was here, playing / interacting with our D, they played out a scene from one of our D's favorite Disney movies, and my W began to sing to our D. Of course our D loves that and it makes her smile and makes her happy. A few minutes prior, D was getting upset because (she knew) my W was getting ready to leave. While WAW was singing, I had to FIGHT back the urge to scream "GET THE F OUT OF HERE YOU NARCISSISTIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING".
It was like I was angry at her for being a good mother because I don't feel like she is being a good mother. I am confident that her time with our daughter cannot be 'true' quality time because (when) people are in the depths of new relationships, lust, and the emotion that goes with all of that (like my WAW is in) they are only focused on the next time they will be with that person, the OM and everything else is a lower priority.
I was so (internally) mad at my wife, for doing what she doing, breaking our family apart and making our D feel sad like that, whenever she gets ready to leave. Maybe I am projecting my feelings on our 2.5 D? It is hard to say because in my soul my wife may be the least attractive woman I know right now. I detest her and the idea of what she is doing (to our family and another) and think she has checked out, and her perception of reality is skewed beyond the idea of rational understanding.
Anyhow, I of course did / said nothing. Stood by calmly with a smile and kept it ALL together. One-eight-zero is the name of the game and I kept the entire visit 'light and breezy'. WAW even commented on 'you dressing up for work these days?' because I had a meeting / presentation at the office. I liked my outfit (pressed white shirt, gray v-neck wool sweater, tan pants and my new favorite leather shoes). Meeting was great, work was great, weather today was great, and I felt AWESOME the whole day...until I felt the way I did about WAW.
Feel okay now, still feeling detached, knowing this person is not the one I loved and this is who she has changed into, and is still changing. It definitely helps to have this resource to write to, get thoughts down, and hear feedback from everyone.
So, to circle back, and dovetail this post I again ask:
In regards to my previous post, "is there some point which I get to where I want my W to come back?" because at this very minute I feel like I truly hate her.
As always, looking forward to feedback, and appreciate everything
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
There is a hate stage but you get past that eventually. I understand how you feel. Keep dressing clean and looking sharp.
Thanks DaddyLongShanks. Short, direct and to the point. Always good advice. I guess we'll see what time will tell. Dressing clean and looking sharp. CHECK + DONE!
On another note, W called me today, saying (she) wanted to be able to talk to our D (2.5) on my nights, before D goes to bed. I told the W, 'not sure how I feel about that' because it might be confusing to our D, and also my time with her is my time and her time with her is her time. She abruptly ended the conversation with a 'fine' and 'forget it'.
Spoke to a long-time close friend (one of the folks in what I consider my close support network) and he agreed with how I handled it. He went through the exact same situation with his (now D and re-married WAW) about three years ago, so he knows what he's talking about in regards to family, etc. Of course, all people are different so we both agree his situation is probably different than mine, as far as WAWs go, because all women are different.
So, any feedback for how I handled to 'phone call' request from the W today? Was totally calm and collected during the talk and continue to push forward in 180 mode.
Standing by!
Thanks, as always.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Thanks DaddyLongShanks. Short, direct and to the point. Always good advice. I guess we'll see what time will tell. Dressing clean and looking sharp. CHECK + DONE!
On another note, W called me today, saying (she) wanted to be able to talk to our D (2.5) on my nights, before D goes to bed. I told the W, 'not sure how I feel about that' because it might be confusing to our D, and also my time with her is my time and her time with her is her time. She abruptly ended the conversation with a 'fine' and 'forget it'.
Spoke to a long-time close friend (one of the folks in what I consider my close support network) and he agreed with how I handled it. He went through the exact same situation with his (now D and re-married WAW) about three years ago, so he knows what he's talking about in regards to family, etc. Of course, all people are different so we both agree his situation is probably different than mine, as far as WAWs go, because all women are different.
So, any feedback for how I handled to 'phone call' request from the W today? Was totally calm and collected during the talk and continue to push forward in 180 mode.
Standing by!
Thanks, as always.
M: 44 W: 35 D: 2.5 M +5 | T 10 OM + Affair admitted 11/11/14 Separated 11/27/14
Do it for yourself. Do a lot four yourself. Indulge.
