Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[labug]

Here's a hug and a challenge. We start moving forward when we stop making excuses for what were not doing.

Have you read this?http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=56829&Number=2520879#Post2520879

Not my words but the quote from robx?

The only way through this, is through this.

[gan]

Glad to see you are still plugging away with Headspace. I went on a pretty treacherous bushwalk yesterday (lots of potential for rolled angles and a steep section called "heart attack hill"). I swear I was so much more aware of where my body was at as a result of my mindfulness practice. It was awesome!

Andy Puddicombe (the Headspace guy) also has a good podcast on relationships. Helped me detach and come to recognise my H as his own person in the early days post BD. The link below is for iTunes but you can also find it on Soundcloud (called Headspace on...relationships).

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/headspace/id823637079?mt=2&i=259756726

[gan]

Oh, that post was a little upbeat given your recent posts. I was responding to an earlier one and missed the recent ones. Sorry to hear you've had a rough 24hrs. One thing I've found interesting in all of this is how my sadness etc comes and goes without any changes in the external circumstances. Which is to say it is all internal and how I'm reacting to things that creates many of my ups and downs.

Part of my plan is to commit to daily mindfulness practice. My IC actually recommended it as a way to address my reactivity. Part of my plan is to learn how to soothe my own anxieties and learn to let others take on that burden for themselves. The longer this goes the more I realise that DB is not just about turning around our sitch. It is about developing skills that we must practice always in order to have good loving relationships.

Anyway, just sharing some ideas knowing that your 180s and reflections on areas you'd like to improve overlap with mine somewhat. Remember to inject a little YOU into your plan, and not just make it about bringing him home.

[TLEE86]

C, here's a chest bump. CF's don't hug... =) thank you as usual for taking the time to respond so thoroughly to my sitch. Really makes me smile when I see its you that checked in on my thread.

Part of the problem with trying to follow my plan is that H will give me a pretty song and dance about how he wants to talk more or blah blah and then I get sucked in because I (foolishly) think -- "oh this is it, this can be where we're going to make progress." That and the fact that I miss him. Miss him DEEPLY.

C...we are both continuing to struggle so bad with this. And I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it besides continue to say No Expectations. I understand what you are saying, I really REALLY do. We take what H/W says at face value, and start thinking hey...maybe he/she will really change/call/talk more...maybe this is going to be better now, and then after 1-2 days/weeks of good stuff, they revert back to their old habits and we are crushed because were thinking..."hey didn't you JUST tell me you wanted to do this?" Case in point, W called me 3 times on Christmas Eve, right after we had that convo about me not liking how she responds to messages slowly. Next few days is pure awesomeness. Obviously you've read my sitch, and now I'm crushed because like you...its "hey, you just told me were gonna work on this part..."

The reality is, he's deep within his own depression. His own [censored]. And he's falling back into the old habits that he wants to break. And taking me along with him. I'm tired of it. Which is why I'm stepping off the train. Short term goal: NC for a week. Long term goal tbd.

I want to control it, because I want it to work out. I feel the need to fix it, because I was blindsided by this. It came out of nowhere.

NC for a week. What are you going to do if he initiates again? Last time you tried this you said he kinda prevented this because he wanted to talk all of a sudden. Also, I thought you said NC was a bad idea given what he said in MC?

C....we can NOT fix this. You tell me this every day. The more we try, the less that gets accomplished. Remember that link you shared with me from Maybell's thread? from ROBX i think? Slow is fast...fast is slow...remember that, I know I need it too. We are both trying so desperately to fix it because it blindsided us, hit us like a ton of bricks, and we are scrambling to do something, ANYTHING to make it better. You know theres nothing you can do right now but be PATIENT and work on yourself. I know how bad you want this M of yours to work out, and I am praying it does. But you have got to let go of the reigns a little and let H sit in the drivers seat. Because like it or not, thats where he's sitting.

I'm back to feeling like I did right after the BD. I had a long cry last night at home. I'm exhausted right now. I feel very fragile, and like I'm one bad comment from a cry fest at home. I'm angry. Angry that H didn't put his trust in me to talk to me about his feelings. I'm angry at myself for not seeing this coming. I'm sad that after 10 years, we've been reduced down to this. I'm sad that we can't even talk to one another because of how angry we both are with our individually feelings. I'm upset that my H doesn't want to be with me, right now (as he likes to say -- so I guess that's a positive, we've moved up from I'm divorcing you to, I don't want to be with you right now). I'm upset that my H felt lost while he was with me (and I don't know if that has anything to do with me -- but I'm taking it personally, and I probably shouldn't).I'm sad that he's so unhappy.

C, im so sorry you are hurting this much right now. You being a million different emotions is 100% understandable, you know that. I literally feel like I could have cut and pasted this section and put it in my own thread because thats my feelings for the past 3 months. How did our beautiful M get reduced to this...shell of a relationship. My W has said almost the exact same things as your H...that she is lost when she was with me. Now she's on a journey to find herself. Just like your H is...but you have to let him do it. I can see how much you care about H, just in this tiny paragraph. You're angry at yourself for letting it get to this point but you're upset even more that you're H is sad and depressed. I can see how much you care C...but you've got to let go a little bit and try not to focus on controlling the outcome. Time is on your side. Look at the positives, just like you are, focus on that. Find your happy place...for you probably the CF gym. (Im picturing Camille right now...haha). Keep your head up C. H will come out of his bat cave sooner or later. Just keep doing what you are doing and you will be the one he sees when he emerges from the dark.

Screw it. Even CF's can hug. So here's a big giant bear hug.

[Calibri]

And rounding out this shittastic last quarter of 2014 - my neighbor died. Such a fantastic, elderly woman who I will fondly remember for sitting on her front porch, chain smoking and talking [censored] to H and I while we were renovating.


Good riddance 2014.

[gan]

Sorry to hear that, Calibri. Wishing us all a better 2015!

[Zelda09]

Calibri - you can do this. I understand a lot of what you talk about, the agonizing, analyzing, and grieving for the W/H role and the years. I've cried my eyes out over it too.

But what if we spend 15' more each day in 2015 imagining the joy and freedom that might be around the corner even if our worst fears about this loss come true? My goal is to legitimately imagine a better life without Florence's 'Heavy in Your Arms' being my life soundtrack with him. 15' more a day I quit thinking about the last thing he said, if I'll hear from him again...what a sad sack I've become. My H knows I heard him, knows I want to work things out and where I'm committed to change...he pissed all over it so I'm onto dimming/going dark and told him I'd be working on moving on with my life because I accept his feelings about us. I don't know why I was so intent to love an obviously troubled man in the first place. I did, I'll feel gratitude for those years, and I'm choosing to let him go now. If he returns, maybe he was mine to begin with blah blah blah, but what is the point in working harder for your relationship, always?

If these guys can find the strength to start looking for stability and happiness in their own lives, take responsibility for it, we might have a chance to do something with all the introspection and growth their walking away has brought. Your H is making his choices every day. It's tempting with DR to believe we can influence and get the responses we want through those techniques, but kicking them out of our head, GAL and leaving the door cracked may be the only real peace to be had instead of hoping those things will get a marriage back on track. You sound strong, hilarious and deserving of so much joy - I hope you find that joy in your days and let him work out what he has to without jerking you around.

[Calibri]

So. I've been taking baby steps.

I wasn't able to go NC due to some personal family issues that had to be discussed with H. It's always something. 2015 seems to be picking up right where 2014 left off, hhhoooooray.

I have however, modified my conversations: how I'm responding, subject matter, etc. H has initiated a few convos, sent me a link to an artist who he thought I would like (I ended up LOVING the artist and am trying to get a print for the house) and we had a nice convo about it. We've done the how was your day, blah blah blah.

But where I've modified my behavior: I've kept convos short (H seems to respond well to that) I enforced boundaries (ended a conversation when he started getting frustrated, which would lead towards agitation and anger), I've stopped expecting follow up. If I don't get a return text, I leave it at that. I let go of my need to control his end of the conversations (frequency, why is he not responding to my text) and focused on myself and as such, I'm feeling better about myself and the situation. Granted I'm like four days into the process, but damn it, I'm doing it.

I've been listening to what he has to say and processing things. I've asked questions to understand. I've really tried to STFU about me, and just freaking listen. I've learned a lot by focusing on someone other than myself and in a manner that doesn't tie back into my fulfilling my needs.

But perhaps the biggest baby step I've taken this week, was to say no. H invited me out to lunch on New Years day and I said no. Partially because I had other plans, but more because it wasn't a healthy thing for me to do at that moment. I was feeling very raw from the holidays, upset about our neighbor dying, I was just a ball of emotions. I knew that I couldn't do it, and that it wasn't the right thing for me, emotionally. So I simply said no. And you know what? I didn't even worry about "OMG what if I say no and I'll have blown it!?!" Because quite frankly? A) I didn't give a damn and B) I did the right thing, which was to take myself off the rollercoaster and to take care of myself.

Interestingly enough, H is going to neighbors funeral tomorrow (I didn't even discuss it with him, complete 180 from funeral gate that we had over thanksgiving). He asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast before the service. I'm thinking about it. Haven't decided, but I am thinking about it. I'm feeling better emotionally (fantastic new hair cut and new color, PMA has been boosted from multiple workouts and personal validation from lots of friends) and I know that I can do it without going into a tailspin.

Regardless, of if I go to breakfast or not, I plan on looking stunning (haven't seen H in over seven weeks), will smell good, will be the best version of myself, and have plans after funeral that will give me an excuse to have to leave immediately.

......is this where I say onward?

[Mozza]

You're an impressive woman, Calibri. You seem like a take-charge person, who's determined to be successful and willing to put in the efforts to achieve her goals. I wouldn't be surprised that you've been successful in your education and that your career is well on its tracks.

I'm tempted to tell you what my IC told me: my controlling tendencies, my preference for things being done my way (it's better!) has paid handsomely at work, but it's a behavior that doesn't translate well in other spheres of my life. It made me critical and controlling of my W. It makes me impatient in general when things aren't as good as I can do or imagine them. What I've realized is that my goal at home is not to optimize the loading of the dishwasher or planning of the annual holidays, but to optimize my R. This means to let go of a lot of little things in order to achieve this big thing. Make my W happy and safe with me, even if it means wasting dishwashing soap or paying more for our flights. Make of that what you will, if the shoe fits.

I've had one boss who was always a step or two ahead of me and made me feel like I was unprepared and border incompetent (and people said I was on her good side!). Sure, she taught me to outdo myself, but I was also nervous and uncomfortable around her. Come to think of it, it sounds a lot like what my W told me about being around me. Is there someone like this in your life that could help you reflect on how it feels to be on the other side, someone to inspire your empathy for H?

I really like where you're headed right now. All of us have the same challenge: once we understand what we need to change, we need to make it part of our personality, unrelated to our M. This means, in our case, to let go of control not just to attract our WAS back, but to live with them. The way you'll attract your H back is the way you'll live with him. Reflect on that and about how hard it is for you to adopt the right behavior. It will help you think about whether your really want to reconcile and how important it is to use the gift of time to get this right.

[gan]

I'm tempted to tell you what my IC told me: my controlling tendencies, my preference for things being done my way (it's better!) has paid handsomely at work, but it's a behavior that doesn't translate well in other spheres of my life.

^^^ Hit the nail on the head there for me, Mozza.