Maybell XXVI

[Card29]

Maybell, I know we hate 2014 right, but I think at some point in our life, we will look back on this time and think of this year like this:

- I learned more about myself, marriage, love, struggle, self-worth, my beliefs that year than any other
- I developed an appreciation for the most important things in life like I never had before
- I proved to myself that I can survive anything
- I stood for my values and beliefs, for better or WORSE
- It was the beginning of the rest of my life
- It was when I avoided (not by my choice) spending the rest of my life in a dead marriage. maybe we'll get the chance to repair it as a new marriage. Maybe not. But if you ask me, either option (restored M or an end to the M) is better than stagnation and misery. Of course true reconciliation is ideal, but it's not totally up to us

On to 2015, Maybell!

[Ggrass]

Let's see a woman who wants to improve her self how welcome will that be to your next partner?

If he wants to see it as him being pined over then so be it.

Snooze you loose buddy, someone will come along for us maybel. It will be when we least expect it. It will be whom. We least expect.

[Maybell]

Thanks, Ggrass. And Card. And T. You are all right.

Here's something interesting: in spite of not getting nearly enough exercise and eating fairly poorly for the last several months, I have only put on about four pounds since he left, which makes me about two pounds heavier than when I graduated from high school. I haven't been snacking like I was in the marriage (I lost 25 lbs on the marital crisis diet).

Apparently I really was pretty miserable married to him. Much more miserable than I am alone. Why didn't I notice that?

He wants to meet Monday to talk about the stuff "we've been avoiding." Since such urgency is very unlike him, I'm going to mindread and guess that the new girlfriend wants him to make an honest woman of her. I guess my logistical balls are about to be set in motion. I'm pretty good at logistics. However, I may choose the date we meet.

Happy new year, friends, it's going to be a good one.

[Maybell]

Can someone please explain to me how it is that I'm looking forward to being single and in a more manageable environment, that most of my memories of him are negative and lonely, and yet I'm feeling weepy and upset? I WANT to let go. I DON'T want this marriage back. And yet there are huge lumps in my throat and chest, I haven't eaten, and I'm struggling to push him out of my mind? What is my body telling me that I won't hear?

[lost18]

On my kindle so not conducive to a long response, don't beat yourself up over how you're feeling, let yourself feel, we are all entitled to that even when we don't understand the why.

(())

[raliced]

Maybell- For all of us on this forum - How many times has "We need to talk" ended well for any of us? Of course you feel sick! Don't feel bad about it!

By the way - talking about the stuff that "we've been avoiding" is a chickens*** thing to say. That's framing whatever thing he has to say in a way that makes it sound mutual.

By the way - If you can arrange for a time to speak after you've had an updated talk with a lawyer it would probably make you feel more empowered going in.

[SunnyB]

Can someone please explain to me how it is that I'm looking forward to being single and in a more manageable environment, that most of my memories of him are negative and lonely, and yet I'm feeling weepy and upset? I WANT to let go. I DON'T want this marriage back. And yet there are huge lumps in my throat and chest, I haven't eaten, and I'm struggling to push him out of my mind? What is my body telling me that I won't hear?

I think this is pretty normal, Maybell. I posted something similar the other day that as much as I feel like I'm done I still cry every time I tell someone we are S. It's just out of my comfort zone and for me there's still some judgment there. I recognize the attitude I've had towards divorced people all these years and it wasn't kind. Now I'm judging myself and it hurts. It's tough to let go of all that.

I would suggest you ask yourself what are you afraid of and really drill down to the simplest terms. That usually does the trick for me. I'm afraid of the judgment and social stigma of my social circle. What are you afraid of?

BTW so far my fear hasn't played out. I told a friend of mine just a few days ago and his reply was that if I was ok with it then he was happy for me and that some men just couldn't deal with a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I'll bet your monster under the bed turns out to be a dust bunny Mabel. You can handle it.

[Maybell]

Maybe that I worked REALLY hard to make this marriage happy FOR HIM and that giving up because I was unhappy was something I intentionally rejected six years ago. And now I have to do what I rejected and it's hard to change course after all those years of putting him first.

My heart feels eased. That must have been it. Thanks, everybody.

[SunnyB]

Maybe that I worked REALLY hard to make this marriage happy FOR HIM and that giving up because I was unhappy was something I intentionally rejected six years ago. And now I have to do what I rejected and it's hard to change course after all those years of putting him first.

My heart feels eased. That must have been it. Thanks, everybody.

Yep, totally get that one, too. I worked really hard at making him happy and the fact that wasn't I happy was never going to be factored into my actions. I would have never left him. My challenge around all this recently has been getting out of a victim mode. I felt like I didn't have choices in so many areas. But my IC challenged me on this one, as well as some reading I did. Maybe there was only one choice that was appealing to me, but there were others. And a quick look around these boards shows me WAWs that are making different choices than I did. So I did have choices. And I still do. And it's time to make some different choices for ourselves Maybell. Are you ready?

[Maybell]

I'm ready to have done it. It's the actual doing that's got me a little worked up.

Looking back I've really let fear make too many decisions. In August 2013 when I learned he'd gone and slept with OW again and totally gaslights me about it, I refused to look at him, kiss him, say I love him. He wanted all those things (and did them). Why didn't I toss him out then? Why was I so afraid of standing for myself?

Wow, and now saying that has eased my heart a little more too. I was angry enough to throw him out but too scared I couldn't take care of myself to do it. Crazy, considering I was doing everything by myself except earn the money. I forgot he even has an obligation to support us. I really let fear rule too much.

I've made good progress on getting the house organized today. Plenty more to do but I'm going to take a little break and spend a little time with the kids.