I actually think you're doing fine. Your perspective is great, although clouded at times. (whose isn't)
You know what your flaws are. Nothing that can't be fixed with work.
You're perhaps seeing your wife more clearly now. Maybe she was a princess, but she was YOUR princess and you participated in that, had 2 children with her. Good info to have for your future work. "Why did I need that?"
You're hurting now and with good reason. But when we hurt we want to hurt others. Get back at them. Ego rules.
We're the animal backed into a corner. Move out of your lower brain and into your higher brain. I can tell by your writing that you can do that.
Otherwise we hand all control to them and jump right on their roller coaster.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I feel like the better question is why did I WANT that. I didn't need it. I fell in love with what I thought was an awesome woman. As the years went on, I started to see that perhaps I was wrong. I thought it was all on me. If I could just do this, just do that, then she'd be happy.
My concerns are about her mental stability. Years back, her therapist called me to tell me that she needed medication. I wrote about it anonymously for a few months on a support forum much like this. She found it, read everything and currently places about 50% of the D on what she calls the ultimate betrayal. Let's ignore the fact that I sincerely was scared, confused and worried about her and my family. I bought into what the therapist told me hook line and sinker. To my W, that is the crime.
Well fast forward to a few weeks ago and her (our) new therapist is saying almost the same thing. She is calling it a 3 part cocktail. 1 part postpartum, 1 part MLC, 1 part potential mental illness (NPD, BPD). Put in glass, shake, stir and get the F out of the way.
So no, I didn't need her, I wanted her. I believed that under everything that I was told was going on, or potentially going on, was the smart, funny, beautiful girl I met. I still think she's in there somewhere, I'm probably wrong.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Well fast forward to a few weeks ago and her (our) new therapist is saying almost the same thing. She is calling it a 3 part cocktail. 1 part postpartum, 1 part MLC, 1 part potential mental illness (NPD, BPD). Put in glass, shake, stir and get the F out of the way.
My sitch is/was (peri)menopause, HPD (diagnosed), depression, and CSA... the hardest thing for me to realize was there is nothing more I can do, and my Protector had a LOT of trouble with that.
But it is the ultimate act of love, to get out of their way, set them free to experience whatever life is going to show them. It doesn't take away from the past, the love that was there for her.
Last edited by TSquared2; 12/31/1406:37 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Listen to T, he is very wise. I used to hunt up his posts for inspiration.
When you say postpartum, I assume you mean postpartum depression. I was going to ask about that. She may be a very different woman in a year with treatment but perhaps not. I'm not suggesting you wait a year to see cause a lot of damage can be done in a year. You need to protect you and sometimes the shock of you maintaining your boundaries (I don't mean be a jerk) can actually be helpful.
Sometimes not. So you have to do what's right for you and your kids.
But as T says, make your own luck and enjoy the time with the kiddos.
May the end of this new year find you in a better place.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
W on phone all night with OM at the party. I felt terrible for our friends who were hosting. At one point W asked our friends to use her phone to take a pic and texts from OM came up, they were pissed. W "went to the bathroom" for an hour at one point with her phone. I'm glad our friends got to see this and make up their own opinions.
I am desperate to detach. I can't live my life like this , it's too painful to watch, especially this close up.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
