bdub, I think you may be on to something but I'm not sure what I can do differently. Sometimes, he rises to the occasion and sometimes he doesn't. The other night when he said he could do something I requested, I asked him where the H was who says, "I'm already giving everything I have." He said that I was asking in a different way, but when I asked him how it was different (because really, I had no clue) he couldn't tell me anything specific.
I'm getting nervous about tomorrow, ya'll. I haven't seen my in-laws since February 9th -- one week after my mini-BD. (During an argument, I had said to H, "It's like you don't even want to be married to me anymore," and he said, "Sometimes I don't.") I was in a terrible mood because H was ignoring me (surprise!) and his parents even commented to him afterward about how different I seemed.
Of course, I'm in a much better place now than I was then. Then, my H claimed he loved me but he wasn't backing it up. My instincts were telling me that something was very wrong, but he was denying it. Nothing in my world added up right. I honestly thought that I might be going crazy.
Now, I know where I stand. The worst thing I could imagine happened and I am still here. I am okay. The fact that we are going to his parents together as a family unit is a good sign. I should be happy.
But I am worried. MIL will be great. (The one and only time that I talked to her after BD she told me that this changed nothing about our relationship and she still loved me.) SIL will be great. (Coincidentally, I just Facetimed with her for about an hour the other day when our kids abandoned their call with each other. It was the first time we'd spoken since BD, and the first thing she said to me was, "There's my sister!")
FIL is a different matter entirely. I know that I will be pleasant no matter what, but he has a history of interfering in my SIL's marriage and I'm more than a little worried that he'll do or say something inappropriate that makes it awkward for everyone.
I think another wrinkle for me is that my in-laws have moved house since the last time I visited them. I can't picture what it's going to look like because I really have no idea.
Hi, MrBond. Yes, we are still separated. We are now seeing each other about 2-3 times per week, mostly for family activities and dates but also for R talk (e.g., checking in with each other, working through past issues, trying to find ways to manage/resolve the differences that have kept us in conflict). We are also seeing a MC every other week.
I'm not sure if that's the level of detail you were looking for, but I can elaborate if you think it would be helpful.
Well, FIL ignored me the whole time and we all had a good laugh about it after he went to bed. I really can't take it personally because that's just his personality. If H and I fully reconcile, FIL will come around eventually (and H has said that he will do what he can to help repair that relationship).
I am a little more confused by my interactions with H. On Saturday, H said that one of his goals on this trip was to show that he cares for me. I told him that, right now, affection is the best way for me to hear that message. Knowing that asking outright for more affection has backfired in the past, I didn't make any specific requests. But honestly, he'd have to be willfully obtuse at this point to not know that it hurts me when he doesn't do it.
So I went into the day with zero expectations, but some hope. D7 slept most of the way there and back (2.5 hrs each way), so H and I were able to have some good (non-R) conversations in the car. He dropped us off at my mom's house first and we spent a few hours there with her husband and his kids. Then H picked us up and we went to do an activity with his family. During the activity, H mostly talked to his family, which was absolutely fine. At one point he did invite me to sit down with him at a table, but otherwise we didn't really interact much.
After the activity, we went to H's parents' house to exchange presents. D7 asked if she could ride with her cousins, so H and I had some alone time in the car. I was not planning to initiate any R conversations yesterday, but as soon as we were in the car H asked me how I was doing. I told him I was great and that I was glad to be there. He pressed me for more feedback and I told him that he was being friendly and we were getting along well but if I had to be honest, I did notice that he hadn't touched me all day. H said, "That's so hard for me to hear, because I feel like I'm trying so hard. The whole time at the activity I was wondering if I was standing close enough to you or paying enough attention to you."
I tried to validate by telling him that it must be hard to feel like he's on eggshells around me when he's trying to have a good time with his family. I told him I wasn't upset (and I really wasn't) and encouraged him not to worry about the small details like how close he's standing to me or how much he talks to me vs. someone else. I said that really, all he needed to do to show he cares is to touch me a few times during the day. He seemed skeptical that I would really be okay with "just" that but I tried to reassure him that I would be. Again, I didn't make any direct requests but just tried to give him a way "out" of the predicament he was in.
We had cake and ice cream (it was also MIL's birthday) and opened presents and then finally H came over and sat next to me and put his hand on my knee. And I appreciated it for what it was -- H trying to respond to me.
I would not say this to H, but sometimes I feel like he's being a little passive-aggressive with the physical touch. He'll make a gesture, but it will be awkward or (for lack of a better word) lame (like the hug equivalent of a limp handshake). I actually wonder if he's holding back on purpose to see if I will say something so that he can play the martyr card -- "I did what you asked me to and it's STILL not enough???? I'm never going to do that again!" I mean, that type of exchange has definitely happened but I don't know if he intends for it to happen or not. Either way, I decided that I'm not going to play that game anymore.
I would not say this to H, but sometimes I feel like he's being a little passive-aggressive with the physical touch. He'll make a gesture, but it will be awkwardor (for lack of a better word) lame (like the hug equivalent of a limp handshake). I actually wonder if he's holding back on purpose to see if I will say something so that he can play the martyr card -- "I did what you asked me to and it's STILL not enough???? I'm never going to do that again!"
Its just a thought but maybe its because he feels awkward. Maybe he hasnt forgiven himself or he is uncertain of your reaction or he has a whole pile of other issues that are stacked up into it. Why do you think he will play the martyr card?
Dont get me wrong after I was rejected for my apprehensive hugs a bunch of times I stopped trying. I took it as rejection when in reality it was way more complex than that.
Originally Posted By: Elsa
I mean, that type of exchange has definitely happened but I don't know if he intends for it to happen or not. Either way, I decided that I'm not going to play that game anymore.
can i ask what you mean by this? what do you intend to do next time?
I guess what i'm saying is this is the kind of thing that can easily become a arguement or a disagreement when in reality you both probably want the same thing. Blame and defensiveness can get in the way.
Maybe next time he does this you might want to think about whether rather than saying something you more lovingly wait till he starts to pull away and then take more of a lead, with a kind of 'hey, I'm not finished with that hug yet' and pull him back into the kind of hug you want.
Last edited by jim0987; 12/29/1401:27 PM.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Because that's what he does? As recently as last week. What I don't know is whether or not he is setting me up on purpose, or that's just his response. I want to have compassion for him when he feels like he can't do anything right in my eyes, but there are so many trust issues on my end that it's difficult to do that when his gestures seem so . . . half-hearted to me.
I did have a chance to mention this when we talked last week. (I think it was Tuesday, the day before NYE.) He mentioned that he didn't think anything he could do would be good enough for me because he's done everything I asked and I still want more. (Reality check: He has not done everything I've asked, not by a long shot. Nor should he, but that's for a different conversation.) I validated and said that it must be difficult to try harder when you feel like nothing is ever good enough. We talked a little bit longer and eventually he asked me what I needed from him in that moment. I told him that I wanted to know that he loved me and that he was sorry for hurting my feelings. Then he said in the most exasperated tone, "I love you and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." I thanked him for saying what I needed, but I also said that if he wondered why his gifts never seemed good enough, it was because I felt like I was pulling teeth to get them. He softened up a bit and gave a more sincerely worded apology after that.
Originally Posted By: jim0987
can i ask what you mean by this? what do you intend to do next time?
I guess what i'm saying is this is the kind of thing that can easily become a arguement or a disagreement when in reality you both probably want the same thing. Blame and defensiveness can get in the way.
Maybe next time he does this you might want to think about whether rather than saying something you more lovingly wait till he starts to pull away and then take more of a lead, with a kind of 'hey, I'm not finished with that hug yet' and pull him back into the kind of hug you want.
I think I meant that I wasn't going to say anything in the moment, but then I did exactly the opposite a day or two later, so maybe I need to remember the plan!
I like your advice, though. I need to find a way to communicate my needs without making him feel inadequate.
