So this is what this feels like... (first post)

[mvg]

Yea, this is what both the L and therapist suggested. She's not leaving me much of a choice. She wants a D, I'll give it to her.

Last night was my best attempt at a f**k you attitude. It felt awful to even go there but enough was enough. I'm not very confrontational and it sucked.

Thank you so much for your advice on this, all of you.

Time to call the mediator...ugh...

[u-turn]

I completely feel your pain mvg. I don't even know how to get to the f**k you attitude. My anger dissipates quickly. I've been too nice too long and it still feels natural.

It does suck

[mvg]

Just some journaling...

Been home two hours, after last night I have no idea how to exist in this house together. I said some really dumb stuff to her already but am now in our room alone, kids are asleep.

I hate the person this is turning me into. I'm a glass is half full kinda guy. Her aunt says I have sunshine blowing out of my a** This version of me is awful. So much hate, anger, bitterness. I don't want to be this guy..

I really only have two hours a day with her, I can do better, I have to do better.

Gonna put my headphones on and watch Homeland. If she starts trashing me on the phone again to OM, hopefully I won't hear it.

Left a message for the mediator, hope to hear back soon.

PMA, PMA, PMA....

[Faith2b]

Sorry but this whole fairy tell land is for the birds...you say dont you want your spouse to be happy??? Well guess what NO!! marriage is built on happy and sad times. Yes you may have had some bad coping skills in the past but hello we are here getting much needed support to change our R. The roles dont change regardless if we are happy or not. Dont forget marriage is not built on feelings its built on vows and committment among other unpleasantries. The reseach says we are not that different from happy thriving couples as well. We must look past the individual and look at he real needs not what we see and hear. Ok Im getting off the soap box.

[mvg]

It's taken this awful situation and 12 years to make me realize that you can't "make" someone happy. Perhaps if I hadn't spent most of my efforts as a pleaser/fixer, I wouldn't be in this mess. I can't expect my stbxw to suddenly share my views on M. The fact that BD was two weeks after I got laid off, when we got pre-approved for a mortgage that was 125k less than the houses she was looking at, AND on my birthday, makes me understand that our goals were probably never the same. I blame myself for being to stupid or optimistic to realize that.

[Starsky309]

Mvg, to be painfully honest, your wife sounds like a bit of a princess. Are you sure this is a woman of quality you want to fight for?

[labug]

Just some journaling...

Been home two hours, after last night I have no idea how to exist in this house together. I said some really dumb stuff to her already but am now in our room alone, kids are asleep.

I hate the person this is turning me into. I'm a glass is half full kinda guy. Her aunt says I have sunshine blowing out of my a** This version of me is awful. So much hate, anger, bitterness. I don't want to be this guy..

I really only have two hours a day with her, I can do better, I have to do better.

Gonna put my headphones on and watch Homeland. If she starts trashing me on the phone again to OM, hopefully I won't hear it.

Left a message for the mediator, hope to hear back soon.

PMA, PMA, PMA....

Then don't let it turn you into a person you hate.

You have that power.

You have a good handle on you. You're hurt and angry right now but we've all been there and you'll get over that if you allow yourself. Anger is normal in this but as I learned here, we should use our anger as a shield, not a sword. Let it propel you forward not keep you stuck in revenge and resentment. From what you I read here, that's not you.

Decide what's important for you and your kids and proceed. No one knows that but you. If she's done, she's done. I assume you have a L who's working for your best interests.

Keep the focus on you and your kids. You can't go wrong there.

[labug]

It's taken this awful situation and 12 years to make me realize that you can't "make" someone happy. Perhaps if I hadn't spent most of my efforts as a pleaser/fixer, I wouldn't be in this mess. I can't expect my stbxw to suddenly share my views on M. The fact that BD was two weeks after I got laid off, when we got pre-approved for a mortgage that was 125k less than the houses she was looking at, AND on my birthday, makes me understand that our goals were probably never the same. I blame myself for being to stupid or optimistic to realize that.

There's no need to blame yourself for everything. She has her role in all this. Maybe you didn't see that in her, now you do. Sometimes we turn away or make excuses about things we don't want to see. Maybe she changed or maybe she just became more of who she really is. That's for her to figure out.

Reality is, she's done. Let her go.

Although it's painful, things will get better. Then you can figure out the fixer-pleaser stuff.

[mvg]

Starsky,

This isn't anything friends haven't been telling me for years, wish I would've opened my eyes a long time ago. Our house "had" to be over a certain dollar amount, engagement ring same thing. I was such an idiot.

[mvg]

Thanks labug,

Shield not sword...this is great and something I'll repeat to myself over and over. I know what the right thing is to do, I really do. It's a mix of STFU and cool like Bond. I'll get better at it everyday. I'm counting the days to physical separation...can't wait.