Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[Maybell]

Thanks, Betsey!

I've been getting helpful messages from all over the place, so if it's time for me to open my mind to Joel Osteen then I am willing to do so.

I took the kids to see an amazing light display this evening and we had SUCH a great time. Then we got home and somehow D11 just fell to bits. Turned into a gigantic temper tantrum. It threatened to turn really ugly. But somehow... It cut short. I don't know if it was me or her that made it stop, but somehow, it slowed and then stopped. Thank God. Truly.

I worry so much about her. She's all locked up in herself. If I try to talk seriously to her she does everything she can to divert me. She behaves utterly absurdly trying to keep me from talking to her. It works with H. He laughs and "forgets" to hold her accountable (she told me this).

She was demonstrating her Daddy Distraction techniques and laughing and her eyes filled with tears. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't know and didn't want to think about it. Started cutting up again. I said, "you don't have to talk about it a lot. If you can just say to yourself X is bothering me you'll feel better." She said No. And I dropped it. The bell was rung.

She weeps at the idea of counseling, it scares her so much. I worry about her.

Had a pleasant, shallow exchange by email with H today about boys' upcoming birthdays. He initiated. Nothing to report.

My MIL gave me a very generous Christmas gift. H said, "she's trying." I forgive her. Shes unhappy in her own marriage; not a great resource for her struggling son. My FIL tried to call the house last night while I was out. He hasn't called here in eight months and it makes me wonder what's up. Que sera sera.

I don't know if I have a long haul in me. If we have to sell this house that we closed on after he started the affair... I don't know if I would have it in me to let him into my life again if I have to go through that because of his selfishness. I can't really remember what I really value about him. when I think of so many of our years together I don't feel like he ever valued me. I'm not willing to live with so little anymore, now that I've taken the hit. He'd have to be a mostly brand-new person for me to be willing to be in a relationship with him. That doesn't hurt the way it used to. It's just sad.

D11's tantrum tonight went differently than in the past. That tells me a lot. I really have changed. I like it. I hope someday I'm with someone who cares about and appreciates me. I don't expect it to be my H.

[HPoirot]

Hello again Maybell. I now get help from the Joel Osteen too. Tape all his shows on the DVR. You may not know if you have the long haul in you now. But you know how you'll feel much better after you put on some Joel. And I like that you like how you've changed. Inspirational. Better is coming for you Maybell.

[claire7]

Maybell,

I just wanted to say that I can empathize with what a painful place you are in. Congrats on all the positives-- it sounds like your approach with your D is working and things are moving in a positive direction. I loved the advice you gave HP for his son. 11 is a really tough age to parent (or teach, in my case), but probably way harder to BE.

Letting go releases a whole new kind of grief.. but you will get through it.

Hang in there.

[SunnyB]

Maybell I loved your post. It sounds like you are seeing positives in a lot of ways--your D, your MIL, even the bland exchange with H is a bonus, honestly. You seem to better with a little distance. Hope you have a great day today!

[Maybell]

Just having a moment in the mall parking lot. It's kind of embarrassing. I don't know what set it off but I'm so angry with H. He never even asked about NYE. I'm happy to be with my kids but I'd like to kick the SOB today for being such a chitty husband and a cr@ppy dad and a self-absorbed entitled a-hole. I wish I were already divorced from him so I didn't have another house sale and move in front of me.

I want to say I hate him but I wish I were just indifferent. I wish I could kick him or break all his dishes and rent goats to eat all his clothes. He doesn't deserve my pain.

[Maybell]

AND I just got an email from him saying he wants us to schedule a time to "talk about all the stuff we've been avoiding talking about."

I hate him. I hope karma gets him good.

[Wonka]

Maybell,

H is not causing you pain. It is self-inflicted by keeping your hand on the hot stovetop. Remove your hand from the coal-hot stove and you'll feel better. How?

He doesn't deserve my pain.

Change the narrative in your head from victimhood to awesomeness! Change your thoughts and your emotions will follow. We assign emotions in response to people and events. It is a choice. However, it doesn't mean that you deny those feelings. Acknowledging them informs you of what needs to be worked on or to delve further toward self-actualization.

[Maybell]

My MIL send me a weirdly large gift that I was trying to exchange but couldn't because the packing list isn't in the box and I left the store and fell to pieces. I've been doing so well till today. I don't like setbacks.

Also I need to find a better lawyer and now it's more urgent. And the child support I can expect will just barely cover my daycare costs and I don't know if the child support can be adjusted to reflect this expense because I wasn't employed when I last meeting my L and I don't know how that's split. And I don't want to have to live through selling another house. I just don't have it in me anymore.

[raliced]

Deep Breath Maybell,

You can do this! Of course, I am not a lawyer and don't know what state you live in, but in mine, if it gets to court, they take into account who "gets" to work because the kids are in childcare - which in this case would be both of you - so I think its reasonable to expect he would need to contribute more for that.

Find that lawyer and talk about options - including how much you are dreading selling that house. Maybe they have some suggestions that would allow you to move before it is sold so that you don't have to deal with all the stress of keeping it walk through ready.

When you interview lawyers, make sure you stress how important prompt feedback is for you, since that sounds like something that adds to your stress level.

Hang Tough Maybell! The year's almost over!

[Faith2b]

Hello Im not sure if this helps but me and my exh had an arrangement that he pays for child care and medical. he pays me childsupport as well but all the expenses that come with child care are his resposibility. Also this can be worked out in mediation. Or yoou can sit down and write what works for you alot of times lawyers with drag their feet but it will be well worth energy to write and send what you need to your lawyer to get things moving. Also I say never leave the house. If you fall on tough timesok. But call and let your mortgage company know what going on just keep everything moving wethr you cna pay or not. Eventually things will work out. We just sold our marital home Im very upset about it but hey I will get money back from the sell and I foound something it may be a two bedroom with my three babies but hey it works for now and I no longer have to worry about a huge house. I can actually GAL hope this is helpful.