Thank you for this very frank assessment of my sitch...I need it.
1) Thank you. I don't feel like I'm doing fine, at least physically. I feel sick and exhausted all of the time.
2) I said these exact words to both her and her parents. They said nothing back. Zero.
3) Right now I am not treating her like the love of my life. I'm treated her like someone who is breaking up our family. I'm trying to get this over with as fast as possible for all of us. Regarding the false nobility, I actually mean it. If she finds happiness, real happiness, that will be better for the boys. Will karma get her? Maybe. Today, I hope it does. But at some point, I need (want) my boys to have two happy & healthy parents.
4) I don't want to protect her, I want to protect my kids. I agree with you 100000% on adversity builds character by the way. At the right time, my kids will know that I didn't abandon them. That's all I want out of this. We don't have joint cards, only a joint checking which I stopped putting money into.
Other 4) I'm going to GAL and 180 bc I realize I am not participating in a healthy manner and perhaps haven't been for a long time. If she comes back, we'll see where we are but I don't see anyway to come back from this, even as friends. Regarding the 85%, I thought that was good too. It saddens me for her that she's going to chase that 15%, never realizing that nobody is perfect. Who knows, maybe she's already found it with OM. There is about 2.5% chance of that being true correct?
6) So far, I'm definitely seeing that. I understand that her parents don't want to get involved, at the same time, if I ever pulled a stunt like this, my parents would've kicked the living crap out of me and her father would've had me hanging from a phone pole.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
I keep getting stuck on the point of "not allowing others to treat me this way"
I would flip out if my kids were ever treated this way, no doubt. However, my L has advised me to stay in the home. I didn't need L to tell me that, I'm not leaving my kids. So I can tell my W all of the ways her actions are disrespectful and how I won't tolerate it but I can't take any action (aside from leaving the home)
As others have said, she has free will, she's going to do whatever she wants.
If we can agree in mediation, I'll tough this out another 60 days.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
She has paid her own cell bill since we met, I pay our internet bc I work from home 80% of the time. She has her own checking account and her own credit cards. I'm really hoping to not have to play hard ball here.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Regarding the false nobility, I actually mean it. If she finds happiness, real happiness, that will be better for the boys. Will karma get her? Maybe. Today, I hope it does. But at some point, I need (want) my boys to have two happy & healthy parents.
Allow me to disagree. Actually statistics show that kids who live in homes with an OK marriage (not good, not great, but just OK) do BETTER than kids who live in a divorced home where BOTH parents are happier with their new spouses. Divorce only makes the parents happier, not the kids. There's a landmark study on divorce by Judith Wallerstein that followed divorced kids 25 years after their parents divorced and the stats aren't pretty. Only in homes where there is physical or emotional abuse OR serial adultery do the kids do better if the parents divorce.
Even in cases where you have a "good" divorce and both parents are nice to each other afterwards and there is no animosity, the kids do worse IN ALL ASPECTS than in homes where the parents stayed together and has mediocre or functional marriages.
Sorry. That's the latest research. Judith Wallerstein, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study. And Elizabeth Marquardt, Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of the Children of Divorce.
Don't read these books now. Don't give them to your wife. She won't change her mind. The only thing to take note of is that in Between Two Worlds, the author notes that the false "divorce happy talk" that parents use to paint over the wreckage of the divorce doesn't help kids. It's OK to let kids know that this hurts, it's OK to be very sad and that they can talk about it with you. There are lots of "divorce happy talk" books out there. They makes the kids feel guilty that they are upset.
Oh and philosophically speaking, your wife won't find REAL happiness in a marriage or dating relationship built on an affair.
I agree with you, let me try and say it differently.
I know the research you're speaking about, I actually looked into it first bc my parents split when I was 3. I'm not 36 and have always been curious about long term research. I found this information fascinating (and depressing at the same time)
My M wasn't perfect. I get that. However, if my W is miserable with me, outwardly, what choices do I have? If she never returns to our M, wouldn't I want her to be happy?
I want nothing more than for a magic bullet to fix all of this. I know that's not going to happen. My 180s and GAL are for me. If that brings her back, so be it. My kids deserve it. S4 is very sensitive, he cries about the smallest things. He adores us and we adore him. He and I do everything together from hike to grocery shop on Sundays to cook to play guitar to...well, everything. He wakes up in the middle of the night and I put him back to sleep. He's my best bud and my heart breaks that he is going to be upset. I've had nightmares about it for weeks now.
I know she won't find true happiness, I'm worried for my kids that she is breaking up this family for something that doesn't even exist. She is using words like fate, kismet, destiny and all the stuff like that. The therapist thinks there is an element of MLC to this. My W is reading a book right now on the afterlife....
I'm scared, confused, angry, hurt, worried...you name it. I just want my kids to be happy and protected. I know that comes from a two parent house, I know that. I just have no idea how to keep that for them aside from living in the house while she dates other men (her original request) to find out if there's "something better out there" (her words)
Would you suggest that is the right course of action?
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
She has paid her own cell bill since we met, I pay our internet bc I work from home 80% of the time. She has her own checking account and her own credit cards. I'm really hoping to not have to play hard ball here.
It looks like most of your finances are separate, which is good.
Not much you can do here then. Ask Starsky. ;-)
Try After the last resort technique in the Divorce Remedy.
Generally speaking making her feel the consequences of her actions is getting rid of an attitude of "kick me more" and "I still need you" and "I'm afraid to upset you" AND taking on one of "I'm moving on, you are the losing the best guy you will ever find, and it looks like you have crossed the point of NO RETURN".
Try the site I recommended to help to gain that attitude.
