When they are young, I want them to think she's the best thing going.
You can do that without making her out to be a queen...
"Your Mom loves you so much! That's awesome!" etc.
Quote:
Why is important to me that people know the truth.
Yeah, that human ego thingy... I still wrestle with it when I forget that the truth wants to be known, and will find a way to make itself known without my help...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
TSquared, yes, this was one of her many points she brought up on BD...that I've had her on a pedestal for 12 years and she hates it. I never viewed it that way, I oversimplified it as, well, I love you very much and want to be the best person for you, do right by you, etc etc....that backfired.
You both make good points, and I appreciate them. This board is invaluable to me right now, thank you.
The truth will come out, that's for sure. Right now, I will continue to try my best to keep my mask on...fake it until I make it. It's crazy to think that just 30 days ago I was terrified of losing my wife. Today? I'm actually a bit excited for what my new life is going to look like.
Once mediation is done, assuming we can agree, this should only take 30-60 days according to my attorney. So by summer, I'll be in a much better place.
If she tries to come back, we'll see where I am at that time but as of today, I don't even want to look at her. I know that the opposite of love is indifference and I'm trying hard to get there
Last edited by mvg; 12/30/1406:48 PM.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Just in terms of 'outing' the A. I had a few months where PILs were very cool and curt with me. We had always been such good friends and I was so hurt by the lack of warmth in their emails.
This Xmas I got a very warm email from them. I don't think they 'knew' back in September. I think they know now. I didn't tell them and I'm glad that they found out another way. Although it did take some time...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My in-laws both know, as do her best friends. So far, everyone seems to be supporting her decision to D for OM. So there's that...
I really love her parents. They have been so great to me for 12 years. Her dad and I have been friends the whole time and have a great relationship. He cried last night in our house to me during that whole disaster and said, in front of my W, that she couldn't have picked a better H than me. Made me feel good to hear him say that.
Blood is thicker than water and I don't expect them to ever support me over her, just as my parents will do the same. They have told her she's making a huge mistake but at the end of the day, it's hers to make.
For the sake of my kids, I hope she really finds what she is looking for. They deserve to grow up with a happy mom.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
1. You are doing fine. Really. You are doing a whole lot better than most of us have done in our divorce-busting activities. I allowed my ex wife to eat cake for too long.
2. Anger would be quite healthy for you right now. Your wife is breaking apart your marriage, screwing another man, and forcing your children to live in a broken homr. She's also rubbing the affair in your nose right now. It's cruel. She's a flaming turd right now. Stop being nice to her. Stop trying to guard her character to others. You don't have to bad-mouth your wife to your kids, but you don't need lie for her. You don't need to trumpet your wife's affair to the world, but when the the situation arises, you can tell the truth.
2. When your wife asked her parents to come stay with her because you are "making her a prisoner in her own home", tell them you asked her to stop talking aloud to her boyfriend in front of you, which is disrespectful and if she needs to carry on her affair on the phone, you told her she should step outside to do it.
3. She's treating you like an enemy. Protect yourself AND your children. Don't treat her like she's the love of your life. Right now she isn't. Perhaps she never was. And please stop this whole, "I just want her to be happy, even if it's not with me" crap. That's really pathetic. It's false nobility. Her happiness (or feelings of romance) do not come before her commitment to you or the well-being of your children. Frankly, I hope karma stings her in the a$$ real quickly.
4. Don't protect her from the consequences of her actions. That's not true love. If you really love her, let her fall flat on her face. Let her lose a limb (or at least a digit) in this mess. Her character and soul gain nothing from screwing you over, breaking apart her family and getting off scot free. Parents who allow their kids to do this and grow up into little monsters aren't loving, good parents. The same applied to adults. Adversity builds character. What consequences can she be made to feel now that she's declared she's no longer your wife? Time to divide the bank accounts, cancel joint credit-cards, etc. You get my point.
4. Stop thinking about ways you could have turned this around or blame yourself. It's natural to do that. It's the "bargaining" phase of grief. You sub-conciously think you can turn this around so you are going to GAL and 180 her back into the marriage. RIGHT. The whole "be the kind of man only a fool would leave" stuff is kind of unrealistic. That seldom works She already said you are 85% of what she wanted. That's pretty darn good in my book!! 85% is a solid B. ;-). SO the scum-bag who she is committing adultery with is better than a B? I doubt it. Most of us would be very happy with spouses who are 85% of what we want. See my point? This is HER problem, not yours. Are there lessons to be learned? Sure. Can you improve? Sure. But..YOU didn't make her have an affair or make her break up your family. That's on her.
5. For a humorous perspective on cheaters and also as a way to get a little "fight" back into you, check out the Chump Lady website. She's freaking hilarious. Very sobering and very funny. Like cold water on the face.
6. Sometimes, people just suck and they don't change back into the nice people you thought they were. Sometimes your in-laws suck. Sometimes people will support and coddle cheaters. Those people are also flaming pieces of turd. What's with this whole bullsh*t culture of non-judgement? If they aren't siding with the victim, they are siding with the offender. No two ways about it. Lean to surround yourself with people worthy of your kindness.
Sandie has often offered advise to LBS. The theme seems to reasonate around the disrespect that WAW in an affair can feel and be capable of. First things first...stop the bleeding. Give W a strong version of you. Would you allow anyone else to treat you or your kids this way?
Be respectful of her as a human being but stop the bleeding and begin to see what the world has to offer you (not saying date...other stuff that makes you and the kids happy...) as much as legally possible cut her off. I waited far to longwith mine and I didn't make for a positive Outcome that I left the finances intact. She didn't care...she just complained and felt entitled...
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
