Angry WAH blames me for everything.......(2)

[Calibri]

H is entrenched.

Fully believes that we can never have a relationship again after his behavior for the last three months.

Believes that he will never be able to control his anger or communicate effectively and that I "deserve so much more than that."

He fully believes that I'm the only one who triggers his anger. But come to find out, he's not talking to anyone, aside from me or his therapist. He hasn't told his parents what's going on other than we're "having communication problems". So of course I'm triggering his anger - because I'm having a conversation with him where he actually has to talk, instead of listen to his mom for 20 minutes talk about herself.

He's noticed my GAL activities - and comments that he's glad I'm living my life and having fun, because "I deserve it."

And the conversations he's initiating? Most out of obligation, again. Which is a habit he wants to break so now he's resentful because he's choosing to do something he doesn't want to do, because he thinks it's what I want.

I did enforce my boundary when he started getting angry and ended the conversation. That and he says how he's glad we have these conversations because it helps him work on trying to control his temper. ??????

I knew this was coming. I knew it.

I'm dead in the water y'all.

Off of the roller coaster. My ride is done anyway.

[labug]

So what are you going to do now? What's the best thing for Calibri?

[Calibri]

I don't know. I really don't.

Obviously detach more and not engage.

Work in IC.

That's all I've got right now.

[TLEE86]

I knew this was coming. I knew it.

I'm dead in the water y'all.

Off of the roller coaster. My ride is done anyway.

Ok C, you need to STFU with this talk. You are NOT dead in the water and your "ride" is only done when you decide its done. Hop off the roller coaster yes, but rise above it, keep that level head. Was it not you that less than a week ago was telling me how much hope and promise there is in your situation? That you should be thankful that you have as much communication with your H as you do because theres not even kids involved? That you and H actually have positive convo's sometimes? You said it yourself, you are NOT the big bad wolf right now, H has identified it is HIMSELF. You need to stand beside him through this, he already knows you're not doing anything wrong. He's just taking it out on you. This is nothing unusual...

He fully believes that I'm the only one who triggers his anger. But come to find out, he's not talking to anyone, aside from me or his therapist. He hasn't told his parents what's going on other than we're "having communication problems". So of course I'm triggering his anger - because I'm having a conversation with him where he actually has to talk, instead of listen to his mom for 20 minutes talk about herself.

Of course this makes sense. He's not talking to anyone else so who else would trigger his anger? You just said it yourself. So do what you just said and detach more and don't engage. When he's ready to talk, which in one of your recent posts, you let him come to you, you said it was a very positive convo. Not talking to other people is also normal. My W talks to me, her mom and her roommate. Her mom is divorced 4 times and her roommate has the hots for her. So of course theres negative influences all around- this is nothing unusual. You've come up with a plan, just go do it.

Fully believes that we can never have a relationship again after his behavior for the last three months.

"Believe nothing what they say, and less than 50% of what they do"

Keep your head up C, we both know your and my sitch have a lot of promise. I've been pretty down lately as well with the same attitude of "its done, its over, etc etc" when in reality, we've been going at this for what...3 months? We're better than that. Go read that article you sent me from Maybells thread again. It's a huge pick me up, IMHO. It'll get better, you know it will.

[labug]

I don't know. I really don't.

Obviously detach more and not engage.

Work in IC.

That's all I've got right now.

What else do you need?

Find Calibri, you'e lost yourself trying to control the outcome of this. Let go of the fear that keeps you holding on to something that may not be right for you. (I'm not saying the R isn't right, I don't know that but rather the holding on when he so clearly needs space)

Breathe, concentrate on you.

[Little]

You already know labug is a goddess when it comes to advice, so listen to her.

Then stop the negative talk! Let him spew whatever he needs to spew and you keep on keepin' on. Do your GALs and 180s. Validate his feelings without agreeing with him.

It ain't over until it's over.

[Calibri]

What else do you need?

Find Calibri, you'e lost yourself trying to control the outcome of this. Let go of the fear that keeps you holding on to something that may not be right for you. (I'm not saying the R isn't right, I don't know that but rather the holding on when he so clearly needs space)

Breathe, concentrate on you.

I need serenity. I need peace. I need answers. I need stability. And I need a plan.

I can probably achieve all of those except for one.

The funny thing is, I never wanted to be defined as a wife. H and i had a joke that we should get a W for christmas because they cook and clean and pay bills on time. But regardless, I was always defined as H's W. I live in the south so as soon as I got married I became (in others minds) Mrs. H's first name his last name. When in reality, I was my first name, my last name. Yes I was married, yes, I was and still legally am his W.

But now that it's potentially off the table? I realize how much pride I had being connected to him in a social setting. In a legal setting. In an emotional setting. Being his w. Does any of this make sense? I guess, part of my identity, but not all, has been influenced and shaped by being in a R with H .

This whole thing has been a blow to me emotionally, physically, spiritually. I'm still struggling to find ten things I like about myself in my regular journal. I have to write an end of year review at work and list my accomplishments, and right now I can't think of any other than my smart ass didn't get myself fired. Before BD, I had clarity, I had happiness, I thought I had it all.

And now, it's like I'm scattered into a million pieces on the ground. I cannot afford to let this creep into my workplace any more than it has. I cannot let it settle into my everyday life. I am much better than this. I cannot let this define who I am.

And yet, at the end of the day, I'm the woman whose H left her. For whatever reasons he has.

That's not who I am, but yet it is. At least right now.

Time for ganb8tes meditation app. Maybe that'll put some pep in my step.

[labug]

It hurts, yes it does and our whole lives are affected by it. I had to take 2 weeks off from work in the beginning because my head wasn't in the game and that could have been dangerous.

I had a goal. I didn't want to be one of those bitter, resentful women who sit around and talk endlessly about the H that left them.

I didn't want to be defined by this one happening in my life so I worked to make that not happen. Our definition is the only one that counts.

It seems that, you want serenity and you want it now! (If you remember Seinfeld) It doesn't happen like that. It takes work.

Be gentle with yourself, you've been at the for a very short time. I barely functioned for the first 6 months, cried a lot, thought my life was over...That gets old, fast.

The first thing you need is a plan and DB gives you some of that. The second thing you need is to follow the plan. That's very important and up until now you haven't been willing to follow your plan. You've been trying fiercely to control the outcome instead of being open to seeing where this takes you. The only person you can control is you, so you have plenty of time to do just that.

You can do this.

This is an opportunity for you to become the best version of you possible.

I like to say, not all gifts are wrapped in pretty packages.

You've been given the gift of time. Use it wisely.~cadet

[labug]

You already know labug is a goddess when it comes to advice, so listen to her.

Then stop the negative talk! Let him spew whatever he needs to spew and you keep on keepin' on. Do your GALs and 180s. Validate his feelings without agreeing with him.

It ain't over until it's over.

hmmm goddesss, maybenot. My feet are definitely made of clay.

Here's the key, I finally decided to wake up and live in reality. I stopped making excuses for my shite. I let go of my victim role.

I allow others in my life worry about their shite, unless they ask for help. But even then I have boundaries.

I work at this daily. I had an appt with my IC yesterday that helped me see how I at times still try to control outcomes. The difference now is I go to her ans say, I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. Help me work my way out. And she does.

And it always comes back to me and what I can or can't do to change the situation.

It's all an inside job. And the inside is inside our head and heart.

[Calibri]

Part of the problem with trying to follow my plan is that H will give me a pretty song and dance about how he wants to talk more or blah blah and then I get sucked in because I (foolishly) think -- "oh this is it, this can be where we're going to make progress." That and the fact that I miss him. Miss him DEEPLY.

The reality is, he's deep within his own depression. His own [censored]. And he's falling back into the old habits that he wants to break. And taking me along with him. I'm tired of it. Which is why I'm stepping off the train. Short term goal: NC for a week. Long term goal tbd.

I want to control it, because I want it to work out. I feel the need to fix it, because I was blindsided by this. It came out of nowhere.

But the reality is -- if H were to come home, and work on our R, I want it to be because he wants to. Not because he felt defeated and had no other option. Because, I want someone who wants to be with me, not because they feel like they have to be with me. I never (and have never) wanted to second guess a reason why a partner is with me.

I'm back to feeling like I did right after the BD. I had a long cry last night at home. I'm exhausted right now. I feel very fragile, and like I'm one bad comment from a cry fest at home. I'm angry. Angry that H didn't put his trust in me to talk to me about his feelings. I'm angry at myself for not seeing this coming. I'm sad that after 10 years, we've been reduced down to this. I'm sad that we can't even talk to one another because of how angry we both are with our individually feelings. I'm upset that my H doesn't want to be with me, right now (as he likes to say -- so I guess that's a positive, we've moved up from I'm divorcing you to, I don't want to be with you right now). I'm upset that my H felt lost while he was with me (and I don't know if that has anything to do with me -- but I'm taking it personally, and I probably shouldn't). I'm upset that my H is so depressed and overwhelmed with his situation and angry that he can't see up from down and doesn't see the value in us. I'm sad that he's so unhappy.

I'm a lot of things. And overwhelmed. Because, there's not a damn thing I can do other than take care of myself, work on myself and see what happens. And I have to respect myself and love myself enough to follow through with the plan. Because otherwise, then what?

Ugh. No more rambling.

Thank you Labug, T and Little for the check-ins and kind words. I think I may need some hand holding for awhile.