Devastated Husband; Need Advice

[TLEE86]

Feeling completely broken right now. Beyond broken...I don't think I've felt this low since this whole thing started. Maybe because its 1:30am...maybe because I had an awful conversation with my W, first bad one in almost 3 months...maybe because my head is spinning on just how deep the EA is with my W and OM...that she still denies

Scared to talk to her in the morning...scared to talk finances. But how can I enable her to continue doing what she is doing? I cant...because the more I do...the more she will continue.

One of the inspirational success stories MWD posts about is the one of David, how he showed his W unconditional love, and did things most cant/won't do. Helping her pack, paying for her new place to get her started, being that friend even when she was with OM....all kinds of selfless stuff. Ive been trying for the past 3 months to be "David." Helping her through everything, putting my needs last, talking to her, comforting her, telling her it will be ok, financially supporting her, being that friend. But even David drew the line somewhere, and stopped paying for things once she left. To my knowledge, he helped pay for her place, but then stopped once she left. I have to stop enabling W...and I'm scared to tell her this. Scared that even though Ive rocked the boat now tonight with this conversation, Im scared that in the morning when we talk again, and i bring up not enabling her, that i will capsize this already sinking ship

Recently read post of "the quick solution and being unique" on Maybells thread (thanks C for posting it to mine). I guess ill be stereotypical and say i do believe my sitch is unique. My W never meant to leave me, her own words. We didn't have a string of fights over a few months that led to a big blow up BD. We didn't have a conversation about how unhappy she was. Quite the opposite. She was excited, planning to have kids, excited for our move, ready to move to our next place, all kinds of stuff in the months leading up to me being gone. Then I left. for 3 months. And came home to a resentful, angry, lonely W who had made up her mind when I wasn't even home.

I feel like giving up, and then I see pictures of W and I and how happy we were and i get my mojo back to try again. But right now, i feel completely broken, completely lost, and just done. I almost wish W would just say T, I'm going to divorce you. Then at least the healing can begin...but this limbo is destroying every part of me. It hasn't affected work yet, but i can feel it creeping in, quickly. But I don't want to divorce W. At all.

Idk what to do anymore. Ive been doing very well at DB until tonight, making some actual progress, and now I'm just crushed. And I don't want to have this talk with her in the morning. But maybe it should have happened long ago, idk.

Thing is...besides everything else that may get brought up, this financial talk is just...idk what to say. If she moves out of his place, and gets her own like she's saying...she cant afford it without my help. Sh*t right now she cant even afford her car by herself..she just doesn't make enough $. So...how long is this gravy train gonna keep going??? If she moves out, and I help her pay for her rent every month, how is this really doing anything on her own? Then if she doesn't move out because i stop enabling her financially, doesn't that force her to stay with OM, and allow EA to turn into PA?

But then again, maybe moving in with OM and having to deal with real issues like $ may give her that reality check she needs that life is (censored) rough, and welcome to my life where I had to be the one to take care of everything while you got to sit at home all day...which obviously didn't prove to be a good thing anyways...But I don't know if our relationship can handle that. She will turn angry and bitter, and I keep looking at people like HP, who did drop that rope and cut everything off and got his own place...but it doesn't seem like its going very well either in terms of him and W communicating..but maybe thats just the beginning part and it will eventually pick back up??? Idk..lots of thoughts...brain cant process this much stuff right now.

W is determined to see her course of action through. Whether its the right choice or not, she needs to see it through. And theres not a thing I can do about it.

I feel like I hit rock bottom. I wish I never left for (censored) Ranger School. That tab on my shoulder means absolutely nothing to me now. Its just a constant reminder that W made the decision to leave me while I was gone. Why did I leave. I wish I never did.

[Calibri]

Did you talk to her this morning?

If you haven't, might be best to wait until cooler heads prevail and you aren't tired, and upset and you're in a place where you can process things right now.

I've got more to respond -- but it'll have to wait until my lunch break later this afternoon.

[TLEE86]

Talked with W this morning- it went...ok.

- Bottom line, she is moving out of OM's place either next month or in February. I did talk to her about $...finally.

- Right now, I told her that as long as she stays in OM apartment, I won't help her financially. She hasn't said anything back yet- this was over email.

- I'm not sure thats even the right move. She's already taking a step by moving out of OM apartment- we'll see if and when this actually happens. I don't know if I should drive the knife further in by saying BTW, I'm cutting you off? Or do I help her a little bit? I keep reading some peoples threads in similar spots with OM. No PA with my W, but most likely EA. All the vets are encouraging to cut her off and let her deal with it.

"Its not about what makes your W nice to you, but what steps she is taking to make the M work."

1. W is moving out of OM apartment, but not because she wants to work on the M. But because she wants to find herself and learn what it is like to be independent and make/manage your own $

2. She still denies EA with OM...

3. Before I lost it yesterday night and set myself back, W and I were in constant communication. Shouldn't this be a step towards the M? Cant work on a M if we don't talk...

4. The only time W has shown remorse and regret for this whole situation was the day before I left for Texas and went to dinner with her. When she realized I was moving to a new place without her, is when she really started questioning things. But now that that "shock" is over...how do I continue to show moving on without her? Just GAL? DB Coach suggested I respond QUICKER to text messages and continue answering her calls so thats not really an option to not text her back and make her wonder that way.


- Something I am struggling with is the whole..."friendly neighbor" concept. Everyone that has a WAW in an active ongoing A is doing this "friendly neighbor." But their WAW's are in both a PA and EA and have admitted it. My W is not in a PA and will not admit to an EA. Do I still treat her like a "friendly neighbor" even though her complaint was that I was never emotionally there?

- To this point, in 3 months, I have been treating her like a W, and it seems to have helped pick up our communication and seemed to be working. Thoughts?

[Calibri]

Talked with W this morning- it went...ok.


- Right now, I told her that as long as she stays in OM apartment, I won't help her financially. She hasn't said anything back yet- this was over email.

How did you word this? It seems open ended, like, I won't support you while you're in OM's apartment, but I may help you otherwise.

- I'm not sure thats even the right move. She's already taking a step by moving out of OM apartment- we'll see if and when this actually happens. I don't know if I should drive the knife further in by saying BTW, I'm cutting you off? Or do I help her a little bit? I keep reading some peoples threads in similar spots with OM. No PA with my W, but most likely EA. All the vets are encouraging to cut her off and let her deal with it.

What do YOU want to do? And for how long? So, if she moves out of the OM's apartment, are you willing to support her? For how long? 3 months, 6 months, a year? Is this solely your money or both of your money? My opinion? She wants to be independent and figure herself out -- then she needs to do it on her own dime. It's going to be hard on her? Yeah, well, so is life. That a decision she faces when she walks out and wants to find herself. If I had left my H, I wouldn't expect (nor want) any financial help from him, especially with no kids involved. On the flip side, my H moved out -- and he isn't touching our shared account at all. His paycheck goes into that account - assuring that I'm not going to be hurting because of his choice. This may change if he ever moves out of the hotel batcave, but at this point -- he's made arrangements to make sure what little bills he has on his own (which, really would be rent and food) are covered on his own or *coughparentscoughcough* But at the end of the day, I respect the hell out of him for making sure that I'm financially stable during this period.

"Its not about what makes your W nice to you, but what steps she is taking to make the M work."

1. W is moving out of OM apartment, but not because she wants to work on the M. But because she wants to find herself and learn what it is like to be independent and make/manage your own $

2. She still denies EA with OM...

3. Before I lost it yesterday night and set myself back, W and I were in constant communication. Shouldn't this be a step towards the M? Cant work on a M if we don't talk...

I see her doing things to work on herself. And, one could say that working on herself is indirectly working on the M. But T, there's a difference between constant talking and "working on the marriage communication." I'm not privy to the conversations you're having, but I don't think that chit chatting about the weather means you're actually communicating. These chats may make her feel like you're being more attentive and may open her mind towards thinking about a reconciliation. And you can work on the M by talking, but until she's ready to work on it---it's just conversations....you know? I know I'm not wording this the most cohesive way.....

4. The only time W has shown remorse and regret for this whole situation was the day before I left for Texas and went to dinner with her. When she realized I was moving to a new place without her, is when she really started questioning things.

How did she actually show remorse?

But now that that "shock" is over...how do I continue to show moving on without her? Just GAL? DB Coach suggested I respond QUICKER to text messages and continue answering her calls so thats not really an option to not text her back and make her wonder that way.

Dude -- you have to settle in for the long haul. I get the sense that while you're going to work, working out, etc....you're not really living. That you're waiting for her to wake up and want to come home. She may see that as well. You need to GAL, you need to work on yourself. She's a part of your life, but she's not your entire life. You have to figure out how to be ok if she doesn't come back. Look at some of the vets -- Labug (who is my spirit guru) was S for 2.5 years. 25years was Dbing for 3+ years I think. Starskey for a year I believe. This is not a quick thing. I saw something from a vet that said the quickest reconciliation they've seen is 8 months. Are you going to live your life every day this way?

As a W and a Female.....I would be intrigued if my H started doing new things. Things that were out of the ordinary. Things that said "hey there's more to my H than I originally thought" Live a little. Do cool new things. Let go of your need to control the outcome of this. Sometimes doing nothing, is doing SOMETHING. I challenge you to sign up for a crossfit competition. Either individually or with a group. I have one coming up at the end of April. Do you think you can do better than me and my team?

- To this point, in 3 months, I have been treating her like a W, and it seems to have helped pick up our communication and seemed to be working. Thoughts?

Continue down your path. But don't be afraid to try new things. No more R talks, at least until she brings it up. You have to breathe. You have to get over your need to have her do this on your timeline. You have to stop the need to control the outcome.

[Calibri]

My W never meant to leave me, her own words. We didn't have a string of fights over a few months that led to a big blow up BD. We didn't have a conversation about how unhappy she was. Quite the opposite. She was excited, planning to have kids, excited for our move, ready to move to our next place, all kinds of stuff in the months leading up to me being gone. Then I left. for 3 months. And came home to a resentful, angry, lonely W who had made up her mind when I wasn't even home.

Ok,I respectfully call BS. She may not have set out from the beginning to leave you. But she did. The "I didn't mean to leave you" sounds like she's trying to soften the blow of actually leaving you. To assuage her guilt. That's just my .02. I'm sorry -- but I don't buy into it, and I don't think it makes you situation unique.

I feel like giving up, and then I see pictures of W and I and how happy we were and i get my mojo back to try again. But right now, i feel completely broken, completely lost, and just done. I almost wish W would just say T, I'm going to divorce you. Then at least the healing can begin...but this limbo is destroying every part of me. It hasn't affected work yet, but i can feel it creeping in, quickly. But I don't want to divorce W. At all.

I think I'm the female version of you. Because that's where I am, right now. I'm scattered in the wind in a million pieces. I want answers. I want them now. I told H a few days ago if he had no intention of working this out to get his [censored] out of the house and start the paperwork. That's not what I want. At all, but I feel like I need some sort of answer. It's because I'm not in control of my life and it's freaking me out. You cannot let it affect work, especially your line of work. I've had to take several days off work to get a grip on myself during all this. You have to find an outside coping mechanism to help you with this. But if you aren't done....don't put it out there.

But then again, maybe moving in with OM and having to deal with real issues like $ may give her that reality check she needs that life is (censored) rough, and welcome to my life where I had to be the one to take care of everything while you got to sit at home all day...which obviously didn't prove to be a good thing anyways...But I don't know if our relationship can handle that. She will turn angry and bitter.....

You obviously have some anger and bitterness about the situation. This is the fourth time you've brought up your W sitting at home, and keep pointing out that you were the one taking care of all the bills while she sat at home. Are you angry that she didn't pull her weight or are you angry that she didn't stay in the life that you were providing for her? Why are you pissed that she stayed home and that you worked alot?

and I keep looking at people like HP, who did drop that rope and cut everything off and got his own place...but it doesn't seem like its going very well either in terms of him and W communicating..right now.

HP's wife is a whole different ball game, whole different sitch. You can't compare the two. I do thing that if you're struggling with what to do financially with your W, you could do what HP did and offer her assistance for 30 days and then she's on your own. But you can't compare your sitch to HP's or mine, or anyone elses.

W is determined to see her course of action through. Whether its the right choice or not, she needs to see it through. And theres not a thing I can do about it.

No. You need to let her go down the path. It may come back to you, it may not. But what path are you going to go down?

I feel like I hit rock bottom. I wish I never left for (censored) Ranger School. That tab on my shoulder means absolutely nothing to me now. Its just a constant reminder that W made the decision to leave me while I was gone. Why did I leave. I wish I never did.

Ok. I'm going to be a bitchy bossy pants here. You DO NOT apologize or feel bad for going to Ranger School. You went to Ranger school to further yourself, to further your career. To be the best solider you can be. Not everyone can be a Ranger. Dude. You're a [censored] Ranger. That's badass. You should never apologize or feel bad for the accomplishments in your life. And that's an accomplishment. That patch means you are elite, a badass, and someone to look up to. Your W made a decision for herself. Yes, she made it while you were away in Ranger school. Your wife's decision to leave does not take away from your achievements. And if you hadn't gone to Ranger school? There's a possibility it could've been something else that triggered her reaction. A class over the weekend, or another deployment. The thing is, it didn't happen because you went to Ranger school. It happened (presumably) because things weren't great in your M and she felt that she needed to leave. That's on her dude. And not on your achievements. Do not let that negative thinking in. No way.

I'm sorry if I'm being harsh today -- but, you have to cut yourself some slack. You're doing the best that you can.

[TLEE86]

What do YOU want to do? And for how long? So, if she moves out of the OM's apartment, are you willing to support her? For how long? 3 months, 6 months, a year? Is this solely your money or both of your money? My opinion? She wants to be independent and figure herself out -- then she needs to do it on her own dime. It's going to be hard on her? Yeah, well, so is life. That a decision she faces when she walks out and wants to find herself.

Yes, I talked to W again tonight. Bottom line, she is moving out, I'd guess by February, and I did communicate to her that I will not support her as long as she stays in OM apartment. I told her that I am willing to help her, but not help him. My sitch is a little tricky because the Army actually requires that I give W $X a month when we are not living in the same house. But she does know how I feel, that as long as she continues to stay where she is, I am not willing to help her. She is going to figure out her budget soon for when she does move out, how much she needs to get by. Again, it is a little different because I am required to give her "spousal support."

Divorce...was brought up. First time in 3 months. Because the Army does require I give her spousal support money, she said "Well, I'll just file the papers then and it'll solve all your (money) problems." I didn't even realize that whether intentional or not, this was a jab and a way to guilt trip me...Basically, if you don't want to help me, then I'l just divorce you. Could it be that maybe she's not getting a D because she wants continued $? Yes. But she does recognize and has acknowledged that I am not willing to go along with this charade of hers indefinitely, so she is planning her budget of getting her own place as if I am not helping her. To be honest, this thought scares me, that she is only not getting a D because she knows she cant support herself. She actually threw this in my face when she was raving mad when this all started. But as time plays out, the less likely I see this as her reason for no D because she didn't have to escalate her communication with me, from minimal to daily. She could simply have just kept it going with minimal talking and strung me along that way. I am trying to not let negative thoughts in here, because it is very easy to think that way about this.

How did she actually show remorse?

She said she is sorry for everything, and that it is all her fault. She said she doesn't know why she gave up everything she did, and that she's not sure she made the right choice. I think this is remorse? Apologizing and questioning her actions?

Dude -- you have to settle in for the long haul. I get the sense that while you're going to work, working out, etc....you're not really living. That you're waiting for her to wake up and want to come home. She may see that as well. You need to GAL, you need to work on yourself. She's a part of your life, but she's not your entire life.

As a W and a Female.....I would be intrigued if my H started doing new things. Things that were out of the ordinary. Things that said "hey there's more to my H than I originally thought" Live a little.

You called me out C. I am going through the motions, going to work, working out, etc etc. Honestly I am not enjoying it. At all. Whether W sees that or not, Idk. But yea, I need to find something I actually enjoy and live a little and not just go through the motions.

I want answers. I want them now. I told H a few days ago if he had no intention of working this out to get his [censored] out of the house and start the paperwork. That's not what I want. At all, but I feel like I need some sort of answer. It's because I'm not in control of my life and it's freaking me out/ But if you aren't done....don't put it out there.

This is exactly how I feel. I just want an answer. And I want it now. But it won't be the one I want right now. I'm not done, I think I am sometimes but it's only been 3 months. I need to keep going. I WANT to keep trying.

You obviously have some anger and bitterness about the situation. This is the fourth time you've brought up your W sitting at home, and keep pointing out that you were the one taking care of all the bills while she sat at home. Are you angry that she didn't pull her weight or are you angry that she didn't stay in the life that you were providing for her? Why are you pissed that she stayed home and that you worked alot?

I am not angry that I worked a lot and she stayed home. I am angry that because I never communicated to her that my being upset had nothing to do with her. That it was all work related, not something that she should take so personally and think it was herself. I am bitter because I thought, "Im providing my W with everything, and she doesn't have to do anything!" And I was proud of that. But in the end, she needed something for her own, and something to make herself happy, not just rely on me. And THAT crushes me because this paragraph here, sums up our M problems. My inability to communicate stress from work to W, made my W feel unhappy and miserable because she relied 100% on me for happiness. What I thought I was doing to provide her with everything, ended up backfiring because she couldn't make herself happy.

At the end of the day, I'm ok with how the conversation went. I definitely think it was much needed, to let her know I will not enable her relationship with OM, whatever that may be and though I am willing to help her out financially (Army dictated or not), I will not support her and him. I'm glad she is going to work out her own budget, and we will see if her words of "I'm moving out of OM apt" actually hold true in the next 2 months.

Until then, the only thing I can think of doing, is to back off a little for the next few days, and then continue to keep up communication with her, regardless of how "deep and meaningful" they are not. They are just friendly, surface level convo's, but it does show her that I am attentive and here to listen. Because its not the right time to talk about R/M, keeping up with convo's at least keeps communication open and the possibility of reconciling. Thoughts anyone?

[HPoirot]

Hello TLEE. Sorry things aren't looking much better for you. Yes remember this is the long haul deal. Don't make the mistake of expecting good things your W... just good DBing from yourself.

I see you're following my journey... thank you for that. I'm just going to talk, then, from my experience and the advice I've been given.

My sitch started with me believing my W was in a long distance EA. She encouraged this belief. I heard a lot of the same things you're hearing now. Not an EA... innocent contact... apologies... maybe I'm making a mistake... questioning her actions. This while we were sleeping in the same bed. All the while, though, she had already had sex with OM. I spent I 2 months trying to nice her back while clueless b/c denial.

Not to say your W doesn't feel sorry like she says. It is not, though, a reassurance you can believe in. Besides, EA is more meaningful to a W that PA.

So, she is in OM's house. She doesn't get your financial or emotional support. You communicate that lovingly without anger. If a vet has told you to pull back... stop contacting her. Let her contact you and then keep the convo short. You don't have to be mean about it. She will fight it. She will respect it. Doesn't mean you get her back sooner or at all. Means you kept your self-respect and good sense which is attractive.

After that, when she's in her own place after 2 months, she might still not get your financial or emotional support if she's still in contact with OM or not. You're GALing and moving on. You're busy and you have options. Give her space to come to you if she wants to. Until then, don't pay for her exploring her life and don't reassure her that you're waiting for her by contacting her or accepting her every contact.

Tonight, for example, I am again denying money to my W. This after she texts me about being stressed to buy a car and get an apartment. Really? She has the nerve to tell me she's stressed and ask for a break? Wow.

But, this seems to be how it is...W on some level expects you to be the strong one through this hell... maybe even hopes you will be right now. Keeps testing you to see if your as weak or mean or needy as she believes. My W questioned if I'm strong enough for this. I can't fold.

You're an Army Ranger. Women all over the world respect you for who you are. Love her you do... but, for her to love you, she has to see that you are rare and she doesn't have you and your attention and your money and your time unless she acts like your wife.

If she can't, that's her problem.

Oh... and remorse is when she says sorry... asks you to forgive her... asks about your feelings... and asks what she can do to make things right... and then tries to make things right.

[TLEE86]

HP, as always, thank you for your comments. Yes, I am following your journey and I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts here on my thread.

My sitch started with me believing my W was in a long distance EA. She encouraged this belief. I heard a lot of the same things you're hearing now. Not an EA... innocent contact... apologies... maybe I'm making a mistake... questioning her actions. This while we were sleeping in the same bed. All the while, though, she had already had sex with OM. I spent I 2 months trying to nice her back while clueless b/c denial.

Not to say your W doesn't feel sorry like she says. It is not, though, a reassurance you can believe in. Besides, EA is more meaningful to a W that PA.

I 100% agree EA is more meaningful then PA. What concerns me is that this isn't some random stranger she met. This is a guy she has considered a "best friend" for a long time. So the emotional attachment is already there. Trust me, I wish it would have just been a one night stand. Id rather (knock on wood) have a PA then an EA. But W denies it...continues to deny it. Nothing I can say about this.

So, she is in OM's house. She doesn't get your financial or emotional support. You communicate that lovingly without anger. If a vet has told you to pull back... stop contacting her. Let her contact you and then keep the convo short. You don't have to be mean about it. She will fight it. She will respect it. Doesn't mean you get her back sooner or at all. Means you kept your self-respect and good sense which is attractive.

After that, when she's in her own place after 2 months, she might still not get your financial or emotional support if she's still in contact with OM or not. You're GALing and moving on. You're busy and you have options. Give her space to come to you if she wants to. Until then, don't pay for her exploring her life and don't reassure her that you're waiting for her by contacting her or accepting her every contact.

This seriously confuses me. Vets here all say "be a friendly neighbor, cut off unnecessary contact with her, don't satisfy her emotional needs." My DB Coach has told me to MATCH her contact, and to continue staying on friendly terms with W, but just to keep phone calls shorter and less than 15minutes. And keep text messages shorter as well. But do not ignore her messages, and to answer her quickly, not wait 30minutes as Ive been doing...seems to be the OPPOSITE advice of vets here...strange...thoughts on this?

Financially, I have told W today that I will not support her as long as she continues to stay in OM apartment, and she is leaving (supposedly). By Army regulation though, I am supposed to give her spousal support $ every month, so when she leaves OM apartment, I feel ok helping her financially, at least for now.

But, this seems to be how it is...W on some level expects you to be the strong one through this hell... maybe even hopes you will be right now. Keeps testing you to see if your as weak or mean or needy as she believes. My W questioned if I'm strong enough for this. I can't fold.

You're an Army Ranger. Women all over the world respect you for who you are. Love her you do... but, for her to love you, she has to see that you are rare and she doesn't have you and your attention and your money and your time unless she acts like your wife.

Yes, COMPLETELY AGREE. W says that she feels that I should be able to come to her when things are not going well for me, and that if I need help from her in any way, that I can easily do it and she will help. Is she insane? Does she really think that I will go to her for anything right now? That is the most unattractive thing I can do, to ask her for help. I don't think my W is consciously testing me to see if I am strong enough for this, but I do have to prove to her that I can handle her emotions. I think all WAW's test their LBH's this way, just unconsciously. If we fail this emotional roller coaster test, its just confirmation for them that they made the right choice.

RE: Army Ranger. I thank you and C for putting so much emphasis into this. But that has little to do with anything. All that proves is I can suck it up for a long time and be tired and dirty and do things that a lot of soldiers cant/won't. But let me tell you something. "Sucking it up" when life is miserable because you're tired, hungry, dirty and walking for miles and miles with a heavy a$$ ruck is NOTHING compared to the emotional hell we are all going through. My "happy place" at Ranger School was my W, and just picturing how happy I would be to see her again. Little did i know, she was thinking the opposite the whole time I was gone.

I'd go through anything else in the world besides do what we are all doing now. Thanks for checking in HP. I apologize I haven't been too active on other peoples threads the last few days, been kinda down in the dumps worse than usual.

[Maybell]

TLEE, I'm sorry you're hurting, but I want to promise, you can get through this.

There aren't a lot of people on the boards these days that were around during my worst stretches over the summer. I don't even know how I got through the summer. I had gigantic meltdowns for days. I was miserable.

I have been going through this for a year and a half. I fought it like he!! The first ten months. It was inconceivable to me -- truly unimaginable -- that my H could betray me like that.

As soon as I started acknowledging that this is my reality, things started getting a lot easier. I stopped speaking to my H about anything besides kids & finances the 3rd of October and things got enormously better much more quickly. Contact with him is kind of deadly to me.

I can see him more objectively these days and the sting is different. The occasional moderately positive interaction doesn't make me impatient anymore. I don't know how detached I am, but I'm a lot more at peace.

Things get better. I know it's impossible to see it now, but they truly do. Just don't fight the lows and the reality and trust there will be better days in your future.

My brother was a Ranger too. He's been a blessing and a support to me like he didn't know how to be before (he's retired now). Don't underestimate the ways your training has shaped you. Perspective and tenacity are critical skills in a situation like this. You've done way more than haul a heavya$$ rucksack with Tobasco in your eyes. Hugs, hugs, hugs to you.

[HPoirot]

Hey TLEE... one word about a happy place...

I've been looking for one this whole time. Tried imagining running on the beach... moving to someplace warm with my boy... having money and free time... enjoying a night out with a new someone.

You know what has really worked for me recently...

After a post by Wonka on my thread of an email from MWD about imagining miracles... I imagine a good MC session with my wife. What We would say... how we would heal. I imagine her low key move home... the awkwardness of being around her again... my son face seeing her at our first dinner together... how fragile it would be... piecing. All that would be a miracle. It makes me smile but not too much.

Focus on what you want, right? Tenacity, right?

Happy place.