The Awakening of ME

[CaliGuy]

He just kept saying over and over, I didn't do anything wrong. He may not have, but lying is wrong.

Mleigh .. yeah .. That^^^^ wow .. I get that one when the spew sessions erupt .. I can completely relate to that and the passive aggressive behavior .. .with the W it seemed to have started and reached very bad levels .. at the time I thought it was her illness/diet change and a nice side of Bipolar (Both MIL and SIL diagnosed ... so I assumed that what she was going through)

I constantly get the "Its not cheating nor adultery because we are separated .... so for those keeping score ... you can decide to leave and continue the affair and all is good .... this MLC Bizzaro-World is not one normal people can navigate very well as far as I am concerned.


Reading your sitch ... I get you and where you are coming from. Trust is that one thing I too never in a million years thought I would ever worry about with W ... then .. whammo .. all of it gone in an instant. Seems your H may be feeling the pressure ... and yeah .. hiding the phone at all costs does raise huge red flags especially with all the MLC-ness that comes with it. I do not have much advice other than .. do you .. detach .. regardless of what he is doing there is little you can do to control him, set your boundaries and just be firm about them .. your teenaged husband needs that.

[mleigh4]

My arm and wrist hurt so bad from H yanking me back for his phone. I am 5 feet 100 pounds, he is 5'11 and 190. Big difference. As the day goes on, it's getting more and more sore. I still can't get over it, he has never laid his hands on me like that. All over his cell phone. It was wrong for me to grab it, but still......

He is such a stranger to me right now. I don't even want to go home from work. I don't want to be around him right now. If it wasn't for my son, I would have no problem getting the hell out and on with my life.

[seaspin]

I got a book right away, being married to a passive aggressive man. And oh yes, it described my H and our marriage to a T. It has helped to recognize the signs, even to predict behaviors. I

What book did you read? It sounds like something to add to my reading list.

[job]

seaspin,

I read the following book on passive-aggressive behavior and found it very good:

"Living with the Passive Aggressive Man, Coping With Hidden Aggression–From The Bedroom to The Boardroom by Scott Wetzler, Ph.D."

[mleigh4]

Good morning. The book Job mentioned is the same I read. I found it to be helpful in realizing I wasn't crazy!

H and I haven't said one word to each other but went about our night like normal for S. My thinking right now is this. My hopes are that he moves out, but he is really dragging his feet and I have no power to force him out. I told him to get out and he always answers this is my house too.

I am going to ask him to attend 1 marriage counseling session with me. We need help. If he says no, and I am sitting on this one, but I am at the point to schedule a mediation appointment. I already have started looking up places.

I am at my rock bottom. I can't deal with lies and deceit. I do understand in his mind he does not think of us as married and so he doesn't have that level of respect to be open and honest about things. I really do get that. But I am so tired of feeling the way I do.

I have DR but ordered DB to read. I really am trying to keep standing.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

So sorry it went south like that ... breath. This too will pass. I would imagine movement from your H soon ... there must be a good deal of pressure on him and he is most likely wrestling with what to do and he can not ask you on this one. Just let it sit in the crockpot, continue to DB ... GAL, PMA would be the best way to handle yourself ... fake it .. I know you are hurting ... sometimes all we can do when we are in the funk is fake it and if we can do that long enough it starts taking root.

[mleigh4]

Hi Caliguy,

Thanks for checking in. I am sitting and thinking, not saying a word. I just have nothing to say to him right now. Lots of thinking!!

Normally after something like this H would go into "happy mode". His coping mechanism of being overly happy. These last 2 nights he looks as in shock over all of this as I am. He just sits and stares at the tv, real quiet. Same as me. So you may be right about him trying to figure out what to do. Maybe he is freaked out about the way he got physical with me. H has never done anything like that, way out of character for him.

Space right now would be best. I know the statistics on a saved marriage are higher when both people stay in the home, but our arrangement goes well, then blows up. I don't know. I guess it's not realistic to always go smooth, maybe I expect too much. I keep expecting to be treated as his wife. My bad.

I have been able to let go of H over this past year. He can do what he wants when he wants, I don't grill. But when I get that feeling that he is lying and find out I'm right, not good. So, I think my next step is to let go of our M. I haven't yet, I have been holding on to that hope and dream of us getting through this. I think to completely let go and feel free from this, I need to let go of our marriage and the expectations that go with it.

My new year's resolution summed up in one word? Freedom. I want to be free from this.

[CaliGuy]

mleigh

Yeah I am not sure on which side I fall on .. Separate/Stay in home ... I know both have their pro's and con's .... however in my case I do have a fear that after x amount of time of being separated its just accepted and D is nothing more than a formality. I feel at times .. out of sight out of mind .. harder to show that PMA/GAL/180 when you are limited in the actions with the WAS .... conversely I am not sure I wouldn't blow up being in the trenches as you are on a regular. I fear I would not have done the work on myself that I have.

The "thinking" can be good ... maybe this is a catalyst to healing and growing .. reflecting on where you both are .. I am sure neither one of you can believe it went there ... and you both are in shock as that elephant circles you both trying to figure out which one of you to sit on.... my guess is H feels that pressure on his chest, he may or may not have something to hide .... regardless dude is going to have to come to terms with what he wants .. as are you. Get out ... get away .. get back to your center and happy place. That may very well be where your freedom exists ... I know for me I hit a point I just knew I would be ok .. either way .. inner peace .. that's where my freedom resides regardless of what my WAS does/doesn't do ... I refuse to let her take away my inner peace that took me so long to find.

[mleigh4]

Hi, I'm back. Back as in I picked myself back up again and dusted myself off. My PMA is better, but still feeling like a hissing cat with H.

Speaking of, my kitten peed on H's bed last night. Does she have my back or what??

Last night was the normal routine of dinner together. H came to me about putting a back up camera in my truck, one of his Xmas gifts. I told him to please not worry about that right now. He said, it's not a gift! Just something to help when you back up! Nice. I again told him that I don't want it, thanks. I sound childish, but I don't want anything from him right now. I want him to leave me alone, to stay away from me and my stuff right now. Like I said, a hissing cat.

Have no plans for tonight. I work today but we usually get off a little early. I plan on just hanging out with S, celebrating at 9 with the east coast, then fall asleep on the couch. Ya, I'm old. Our annual tradition has been to all go out to dinner to our fav restaurant. We even did it last year while separated. I have no desire this year. I wonder what H will do tonight? My guess is a last minute invite from someone I have never heard of . I will just expect something like that. Honestly, just me and S in the house sounds really good.

I still want H to move out. I think he needs it, I think I need it. Here is to 2015! I hope we all continue on our path of growth and self worth!

[daring]

Mleigh I'm sorry to hear it's been a rough several days. Hope your arm is ok- that was quite a reaction! I'm loving that your kitten peed on his bed though- I cracked up when I read that!
I hope things settle down for you soon- keep focusing on you.