New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

I need some insight & advice.....

Our dynamic has changed through this holiday break. Partly because of the holidays and putting the child support conflict on hold for the holidays. As a result, her behavior has been odd, emotional, and confusing from my standpoint.

I am thinking that perhaps the odd behavior is a sign of change. And perhaps I should ask her to go with me to CO to consult MWD. If so, it would be crucial how I phrase it, and also be upfront logistically as we are in New England.

Thoughts....

[labug]

The holidays are tough on everyone, I wouldn't jump to conclusions. There's a saying around here, don't frighten the squirrel. (if a little squirrel gets brave enough to come close to you, don't make any sudden moves and scare it away.)

Did your wife have postpartum depression? If so was she treated? She's gone through a lot of trauma in the last 4 years. Does she see an IC?

I did read your first post and a couple since then. You have a good handle on you and what you can control. Keep that in the forefront.

[labug]

Georgia BD, I see you have few posts but none are about you and your experience.

Have you read DB? This is a sharing and caring community here. I think it's unfair for people to drop in out of the sky and start giving advice when we know nothing about them.

Granted you could make up a story and we might be none the wiser, but those people usually get bored and move on.

[25yearsmlc]

Lost - Thanks for checking up on me. Such a great support system we have on this message board.

25 - Great insight. It is very appreciated. At one point you asked why did she think I had an affair. In the end of 2012 I took a promotion and in July 2013 $hit hit the fan. From 7/5/2013 to the end of the year, I traveled over 95 days for work. I was pulling 100-120 hour weeks, working 7 days a week. I worked 25+ hours straight on 5 different occasions. I become consumed with work. I now that this made it even more difficult for us.

Just so I'm clear, the promotion led to a lot MORE work and travel, correct?

Assuming that's what you are saying, then HECK YES that made it difficult. I'm married to a guy who was NOT an MD or med student when we married. He was in a related field but an easier one. AFTER our son was born, (8 weeks old) h began med school and the hours have never been the same. Unrelentingly long...
& things like 9 Thanksgivings in a row where no daddy was around, just wears on you...

So being a single mom is exactly how I felt and to also be working full time, the unfair distribution of work (at home and at her job--she won't think of how hard YOU are working b/c that's not what she is enduring).

She's doing HER job at work, just like you are at yours...except she's ALSO doing all the childcare while you are gone, which was a LOT. So I suspect some resentment built up....

as for the affair she assumes you had, I have 2 more questions. 1) did you disabuse her of this belief?

and 2) do you think that she assumes it, b/c she cannot wrap her brain around a man being gone from his family that long, willingly, absent an affair?

IF the answer to the second question is "yes, she believes you had an affair BECAUSE she cannot believe you'd be gone that much, just for work", then you have a problem there too. It means that she really did NOT believe the promotion was worth it.

and in hindsight (I know, I know, it's 20 20) do YOU think the promotion was so worth it? B/C if you don't, you might share that with her sometime. Not to assume blame or fault but b/c it DID mean the marriage was more neglected and she was laden with a lot bigger of a burden at home than you were.

I mean, ^^ that's all true, isn't it?

I only harp on this right now b/c you made it sound like a small thing "I now know it made it difficult"---- but I think it was a BIG underlying thing. The good news is that's one of the easier problems to have --- b/c solutions are available.

Okay I'll move on to the rest of your thread now...

[25yearsmlc]

I need some insight & advice.....

Our dynamic has changed through this holiday break. Partly because of the holidays and putting the child support conflict on hold for the holidays. As a result, her behavior has been odd, emotional, and confusing from my standpoint.

She seems confused. This is not rare. It's holidays PLUS the changes being made to her family - and oh by the way, SHE is the causative factor in those changes. Guilt hurts. Unfortunately, when we, the LBSers try to foist guilt onto our spouses, it almost always backfires. I noticed when I'd ask h a question to "Get him to think", I really intended to guilt him and every single time he would get mad AT ME...so yeah, it's not effective coming FROM us...

**My DB coach gave me a tip I'll never forget. She said that certain ways of asking questions are, in reality, designed to elicit defensiveness in the recipient and in those cases, that's not a good idea. That was why it would backfire on me.

The questions to AVOID asking, begin with "HOW Could you....??"

AND OR "WHY Did you 'X' or 'Y'?" (After some reflection, I saw her point. I don't tend to ask questions like that anymore).

Your behavior sounds about perfect, btw. And I LOVE that the grandma made it a point to tell you she loves you. That there, is something to treasure and realize that you are NOT being vilified by your wife (or at least, not effectively). Take solace from that and from the knowledge that if her family sees any move on her end, towards you, it will be amply supported.

I am thinking that perhaps the odd behavior is a sign of change.

MAYBE...maybe NOT...and or, maybe the change is NOT the kind you want...

And perhaps I should ask her to go with me to CO to consult MWD.


Wow no, I don't think this is the time for that at all. I mean, I disagree. The couple I know who went, found it very helpful -but they are divorced. The reason?

B/C one was the LBS and the other was a WAH and he went to check it off the "I tried" List....to no avail. If both had been on the fence, or were just getting a major tune up for their m, THEN it's such a great idea. Then again, maybe you can just ask your DB coach. Mine was a Godsend but I never involved h in it directly. Ever. IT was for MY work and MY changes...

IMO, you should WAIT on that and keep doing what you are doing b/c it may just be working. See LaBug's comment about the squirrel, and keep it in mind.

When things seem to be working, that's when you stay the course. IT's not when you rock the boat. Make sense?


If so, it would be crucial how I phrase it, and also be upfront logistically as we are in New England.

Thoughts....

IF & WHEN SHE brings up something along the lines of "working on the m", then this would be a great time to present her with optionS. (Not just one)

and OR, if she is the one saying this, which I pray is the case, then ask HER for HER thoughts on it...

She's driving the divorce train right now and only SHE can undo that piece.

Back off some more and keep on being the upbeat great catch you are now...

See, here's the simple truth.

NO WAS will return to a marriage he/she left,

UNLESS

he/she believes that marriage can be better/different.

It's your job to demonstrate that you are different and thus, the marriage could be.

(Yes, yes we know SHE has her own work and issues to deal with...but for now, she may not be able to see that and it's certainly not the time to bring it up. But that time will come).

Anyway, Her fears are going to be something like "Sure he's different now, BUT if we reconcile, then he'll revert, & things will go right back to where they stink for me again"

and or

"I'll still have to do all the work and he will travel MORE (-and- who- knows- what- else), while I"m stuck at home

without any passion or romance and my life is not what I wanted it to be....

(which, btw, is what I suspect she feels).

Does any of this ring true or at least possible?

[mahhhty]

This is definitely making a lot of sense, and is of course possible. I do understand the logic. I just thought that while things were slightly different that perhaps I should make a change. But I get it, and I won't rock the boat.

[mahhhty]

As for the questions related to work. My promotion in 2013 definitely increased my workload at home and at work, while also increasing travel.

I didn't meant to sound dismissive. I am fully aware it had a large impact on our relationship, I am also very sure she felt like an only parent. She travels a lot as well, and we would literally pass each other in planes while the grandparents were watching the kids. It was no way to live.

I am trying to find a way to leave that job. My resume is out at multiple other companies, I am also trying to develop my own business. I want to be the father that is present, that isn't stressed with an unworkable situation. I always wanted to be the father that coaches his kids sports teams and I intend on being that person.

[mahhhty]

"I'll still have to do all the work and he will travel MORE (-and- who- knows- what- else), while I"m stuck at home

without any passion or romance and my life is not what I wanted it to be....

(which, btw, is what I suspect she feels).

25 - I am absolutely sure this is how she feels or felt. Someone told me that a lot of WAS leave because they had something to compare to. IF she never had a EA or PA, then I believe she could have compared our current relationship to our relationship from a couple years ago and would realize just how far we have fallen.

I don't fault her for wanting something better.

I would like to say that I fault her for not working on it with me. However, honestly I will never know from her perspective how much she believes to have worked and how much I pushed her away.

The work & stress changed me, and I will not let it drive my life again.

[lost18]

don't fault her for wanting something better.

I would like to say that I fault her for not working on it with me. However, honestly I will never know from her perspective how much she believes to have worked and how much I pushed her away.

Wow, I could have written that. Unfortunate that we live in such a throw away society.

You are getting great advice from 25 and seems you are doing some good things on your own as well. Good luck in your job search!

[labug]

Can you answer my questions from above?

I will never know from her perspective how much she believes to have worked and how much I pushed her away.

Very true and great perspective.