Card29 VIII

[Georgiabelle]

Card,

You've gotten great advice. From reading the last few posts on this thread, I feel like you are in hurry up offense mode. And that's not always a good thing.

In regards to FB, I just say no. I'm an extremely private person by nature (I didn't tell anyone when I got married, waited 5 months to tell peeps I was expecting and the 2 friends that I needed some help from knew I was S.). That being said, I have posted that life has been kind of challenging over the last months and it's great to have good friends and family. That's all. I mostly post funny stuff about my kids so I've always felt no one needs to hear me air my laundry. Same for my blog. I suppose it's a personal preference.

In regards to dating again, only you can decide. However, what's the big hurry with your S's friend. She's recently removed from a long time R and you are still healing. Slow your roll! Just my 10 cents:-)

Let things transpire as they should. Hang in there!

[Card29]

I love it when you preface you words with something to the effect of "I say all of this out of love". That's when I know I'm going to hear something real!

Once I wrote out my reason for wanting to post to FB, the fear left me. If they are surprised by a new R down the road, they can call me and ask what's going on if they want.

I have been wondering what's going on with my sudden change of emotion. I think it is a combination of finally embracing acceptance of the death of my M, and some rebound emotions with S's friend. But it has more to do with my stage of grief, at least I believe. I was at peace on Friday like I hadn't felt in 6-7 months, and that was before S said anything about her friend. I've never dealt with this stuff before, but I feel like I had processed everything for all of that time, all that was left to do was be at peace with it. I never numbed my pain with alcohol, meds, other women, etc. And WAW was so blunt on Christmas Eve night, there is just no doubt where this is headed anymore. It doesn't mean it's impossible in the future, and while I still have the door open for a future M with WAW, I'm not waiting nervously by that door anymore.

I know this is a very sudden change, but I'm honestly pouring out my heart like I normally do. On Christmas Eve night, I was settling back into DB, willing to be patient for a possible change of heart in WAW. Then WAW emphatically told me its over, told me she's already moving on to others. I went back to our family gathering and cried on my aunt's shoulder. She lost her H to a heart attack three years ago. She told me about her grieving process, and told me that I am grieving a loss just like her. Everything she said just resonated so deeply. I have cried a lot since BD, but never as freely and released as I did then. And as soon as I stopped crying, I felt so relieved, so peaceful. I had fun the rest of the night with all of the little ones running around. I woke up Friday feeling great. Then everything with S's friend started. I have felt better and better everyday. Now I am playing music and singing like I haven't done in months. I feel like myself for the first time since BD

I am a joyful person, or at least I was prior to these 6+ months. I don't feel like I need S's friend or anyone else to make me happy. I love so many things about life. I feel it all flowing back into my heart. I am trying to gauge how S's friend is affecting me. She shares some qualities with me that I've surpressed for the 10 years I have been with WAW. For example, dancing. I love dancing. WAW hates it. It's just not her thing. So we'd never go anywhere where dancing was even possible. The only time was weddings, and she pretty much forbid me from dancing without her (and of course she wouldn't dance with me), even though I wasn't trying to dance with other women. So maybe some of my feelings are liberation by hanging out with someone that is more like me? I don't know. I think I just need to chill for a while and let my heart sort itself out.

Like I said, I feel like I've been mourning my M for 6 months. I've been alone, I've focused on myself - my flaws and strengths. Of course I have had plenty of pursuit failures. I do NOT think I'm ready for a new R today. A week ago, if you'd asked me when I thought I would potentially be ready for a new R post-WAW, I would have maybe said 10-18 months, or something. Now I feel like my readiness timeline could be measured in weeks. I never felt like I would be ready for a new R as soon as a D was finalized, but now I don't know! I have changed so much in 5 days, I know I just need to chill and let this play out.

The good news is that my personal 180's have been going so amazingly well. I have not looked at porn in months, the longest streak since I first saw porn. It's not even a temptation anymore. I feel so sexually healthy, now. I feel like that is only going to get better and better the further removed I get from the hollowness of porn. I'm also listening better at work, even with my "not so favorite" people. I have been finding plenty of chances to validate and empathize. I have also avoided some Mr Nice Guy tendancies. I need to re-read that book, though. It's been a while since I picked it up.

Lastly, about the dynamic of complicating their friendship with an R...I have thougt about that. Obviously it's up to S's friend IF I approach her in the future to make that decision. It's definitely something to consider. But there are a few things that have made me think the risk of catastrophe isn't too high. Neither S nor I are drama-seekers, and if half of what people tell me about S's friend is true, neither is she. I know we would have issues, just like any R. But I know I could handle my part. And if her desire for a lifelong M is true, I would think she would be receptive to some of the expertise I have been exposed to during these trying months. Even with all of that, of course there would be a risk of things going south and messing things up with her and S. But to me, the risk is worth the potential benefits. ALL THAT SAID - that is getting way ahead of everything lol. She hasn't even agreed to a date, which I am weeks away from asking, if I ask at all.

[Card29]

Georgiabelle, slow my roll I must.

[uRworthy]

Ok, you have provided me with the nickname I have been looking for with the dancing....But I am torn between Fred and Travolta. Hee hee.

You are grieving the end of your marriage. You have to go through all the steps or they come back around to bite you.

Most times, when we go through this, we begin to take the rose colored glasses off regarding our spouse and our marriage. We realize there were things that werent good. It is important, though, that we are really totally honest with ourselves as to what is true and what isnt. Because that is information we can use moving forward. No matter what this all leads to.

Use this time wisely, my friend. No need to make any decisions today. You can move forward and keep the door cracked or close it completely. But make that decision from a place of strength.

Keep walking your path. Keep looking within. And yea, slow the heck down some. Dont get ahead of yourself. Just sayin.....;)

[Card29]

Thanks, uR. I love that you reminded me to use my time wisely. I used to think that meant to use the time wisely in order to save my M. Now I see it as using time wisely to transform myself into who I really am, who I really want to be. And I could see how rushing into an R right now would not only be unfair to myself and the R partner, it would jeopardize a potential future with them, and it might not let me finish my grieving process naturally.

I get the travolta reference, but what do you mean by Fred? Freddy Mercury? Because I love me some Freddy Mercury lol. whatever you come up with, I'm flattered

[Vapo]

Fred Astair, dude, Fred Astair. Look it up.

[uRworthy]

I love Freddy Mercury, too, but, it was Astair I was referring to. LOL!

[Card29]

Ah I see. Well, let me clarify...I LIKE dancing. I never said I was very good at it!! Maybe that's what would make the nickname work, though

[Card29]

What do you think of my sudden change in heart? It's not that I don't want the M to reconcile the WAW. I am just so suddenly at peace with the sitch, it has shocked me. I thought it would take months to get here. What do you think of me theory that I had processed most of it over the last 6 months, all that was left was acceptance?

[Dawn70]

I think you have made your FB decision by now, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents as that was something I struggled a bit with. My XH and I posted lovey dovey stuff to each other and have tons of pics on both of ours and I really struggled with how to handle it, but I just decided that it wasn't FB appropriate to announce a D. I privately messaged a few very close personal friends, apprising them of the situation, mostly to ask for their prayers and help in keeping me sane as I went through the process, but never publicly put anything out there. I did change my marital status once the D was final, which I know XH did as well, but I figure if someone wants to know they will ask and if they don't, they won't. It isn't worth all the comments and any negativity that might come from it to just throw it out there, FB style, but that is just my opinion. LOL

I am desperately hoping to get to that "at peace" place that you mentioned above. I have good days...days where I am ok...but mostly I just feel a sadness.