Wife Walked Away 10 Weeks Ago

[Bob723]

Hello mahhhty,

Yes, you're right. Sadly, she filed for divorce and our next court date is Jan 27. I was in the middle of a 12 day no-contact but finally caved in. Do you think I should do "no-contact" for a month?

Thanks!

Bob

[mahhhty]

No one knows what the future holds for you and your W. But I do believe that your chances will improve if you stop being the pursuer and become the distancer.

I reread your story and it was probably very difficult to hold back that long. It may have made no difference whatsoever. You just have to keep the pursuer/distancer dynamic in your mind.

What are some of your 180s?

[25yearsmlc]

Hello mahhhty,

I am hanging in there, thank you for asking! How about yourself?

Yes, I have read Sandi's 37 rules and have them printed out. They are very helpful. I try to go for a long walk daily, and I love most sports, especially ice hockey. Years ago, I used to play and coach. I recently went ice skating for the first time in years. Just yesterday, I sent my WAW a little text asking how she is doing.

I understand this^^. I really do.

But are you in the midst of settling things for a divorce or do you think she filed to "make a clear statement" and to wake you up?

Also the next part of the conversation means you missed a MAJOR point about Getting A Life, which is that you do it for YOU and NOT for them...don't tell her what your GAL are and fill her in as if it's done to impress her.

These will come across as "tactics" to win her back, (which will not last) and not as real permanent changes.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

She said her stomach was hurting her (from stress, she thought) otherwise ok, and also asked my why I was asking. I wrote back, "Because I know you suffer almost daily from physical/emotional pain (she has MS) and I care about your well-being." Eventually, she responded, I hope all is well with you.

**Also if you could write in smaller paragraphs, it makes it much easier to read. Thanks!


I replied, "I prefer to focus on you, but I am doing well. Thanks for asking. I have a little surprise for you..

Did you sign on, ONLY b/c you believe it'll matter to HER? IF so, it probably won't be viewed the way you want it to be. Especially since you made it clear it was about HER and NOT about you... or how interesting AND how interestED in the world you are...that's the portrayal you need to create AND fulfill (i.e. make it real)

I got my name on a waiting list to coach kids hockey." (I finally remembered that was one thing she really loved about me.) My the way, I am doing this because I WANT to, not to try to win my wife back. Does anyone think she'll see this as a positive change? She replied, "I that's great that you've put your name on a coaching list. I hope you don't have to wait too long. That would be great for you. Good work." That is her exact quote. Thoughts anyone?


See above. Try to cultivate an air of mystery and NOT tell her any of this anymore until IF and when she asks...

AND recall 2 things. YOU GAL means that 1) you are an interesting man and a good catch

AND

2) you are not being held back by HER illness, in case she feared you were.

What do you think SHE would say if SHE were here, about why she felt the need to leave?




Thanks so much group! You are an inspiraton.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hello again mahhhty,

1 of my 180s was not contacting her daily, or almost daily. Also, not bringing up the future at all. Finally, I stopped asking for reassurances.

Thank you for taking the time to follow-up with my situation.

Bob

[Bob723]

Hello 25yearsmlc!

Thank you for your post. First off, you're right about the long paragraphs.

I think she did file for divorce, at least intially, to "wake me up." Now, after 11 weeks have gone by, I'm not so sure. Early on, she mentioned a couple that we know who was in court to sign thr divorce papers, and the wife changed her mind right there!

I wondered why she brought that up. Who knows? To lead me on? Encourge me?

If my wife were here, she was say I became very argumentative, needy and I smothered her. Looking back, I agree with her. of course (except for the arguments) I thought I helping her!

Boy, was I wrong.

Take care all.

Bob

[25yearsmlc]

Hello 25yearsmlc!

Thank you for your post. First off, you're right about the long paragraphs.

I think she did file for divorce, at least intially, to "wake me up." Now, after 11 weeks have gone by, I'm not so sure. Early on, she mentioned a couple that we know who was in court to sign thr divorce papers, and the wife changed her mind right there!

I wondered why she brought that up. Who knows? To lead me on? Encourge me?

I would read nothing into it, but last among these ^^ options is leading you on. To what end? There's no advantage to her.


If my wife were here, she was say I became very argumentative, needy and I smothered her. Looking back, I agree with her. of course (except for the arguments) I thought I helping her!

Boy, was I wrong.

Take care all.

Bob

Not sure how arguments "help" her but the bottom line is, what are you going to DO to change? You cannot fix her. She's not within your control (never was).

You're here to save your marriage so if you want me to explain why it's YOU who must change and why it's YOU who must take the first step, and the 2nd and 3rd and 6375th step,

it's b/c you are here trying to save your marriage; and she's not.

Most WASs won't return to a marriage they left.......ever......


unless they believe that the marriage can be different/better than before.

It's your job to show her that. Not with words but actions.

What, specifically are you doing to demonstrate that? What's new or different about how you interact and behave and use your free time?

How are your GAL activities? And btw, saying you are "NC" is not nearly enough of a 180 to count. IT's more like "I'm choosing to DO NOTHING and calling it my DB work"...

there's more to DBing than NC...

[25yearsmlc]

PS

How old are you both, when were the dates she first discussed leaving and when did she file? You were served, right? I don't know how you can say she filed if you were not served or did not waive your right to be served.

Do you have kids? Their ages & whereabouts?

Maybe you can put some basic information in your signature block so we can recall the facts faster and be better able to help you.

What's the latest medical info about your w's MS conditions? How active is she at the moment? What's her prognosis?

The more we know the better we can advise.

[Bob723]

Hi 25yearsmlc,

I can't agree more. I have to change and work on myself daily. I'll go into more detail later. I am 54, she is 51. I'll have to figure out how to add a signature.

Later, my friend. I hope you are hanging in there.

[Bob723]

Hi 25yearsmlc,

First, I have a signature finally! Your post 2 back, I could see how, but you misunderstood this statement:

If my wife were here, she was say I became very argumentative, needy and I smothered her. Looking back, I agree with her. of course (except for the arguments) I thought I helping her!

What I meant by that ^^^^ was that I felt I was helping her - not being "needy and smothering." Looking back on my post, I should've said I agree with all. The more I think about it, I had become more argumentative. You are vert thought-provoking!

My wife's MS is the relapsing/remitting kind. So, sometimes she'll feel pretty good, other times very poor.

Do you, or anyone here, thinj I should send a text (we haven't talked in 5 wks) to my wife indicating I may have expected too much from her? With time to think about it, I realize her condition will probably not get better but that doesn't frighten me or hold me back?

One of the last times we spoke, she said "I don't feel great about this (the divorce) but I feel relieved knowing I'm not letting you down." I listened, and then very calmly said, "I thought I was supportive and understood." That was weeks ago.

A big thing occurred 2 days ago. My wife texted me and asked if I could leave the house for about 1 week. She clearly said, no, you cannot be there. She's coming in for a medical procedure and the doctor needs to see her in about 1 week. I thought about it for a while, and then texted, "please call me if you want to discuss this." The message didn't get delivered, so I knew she already turned her phone off. So, trying to show I have some dignity I texted her back basically stating she only seems to contact me when she needs something. I also reminded her that she is welcome back any time and I will not bring up anything about our situation. (By the way, my lawyer says I should *NOT* leave.)

So, about 3:00 AM the next morning, I get this text from her:

"Not necessarily, I've called you to offer support on you going to counseling and with regard to 7 Bridges (P.S. that's the hockey coaching gig). It would appear you haven't changed much at all. That's what I thought."

We haven't been in touch since. I had coaching sessions with Chuck and he impressed on me the 2 common feeling WAWs have:
1. I know my husband.
2. He's never going to change.

So, I realize I shouldn't have accused her of only contacting me when she needs something. I feel I have bent over backwards for her when she has asked me to send her something from our home (she's 3 1/2 hrs away), wanted a little extra maintenance, and a few other favors. Leaving the house I'm sure would've made her happy, but I'm afraid I'd come home and all our stuff would be gone.

My lawyer said she had heard of that happening. So, to protect myself I felt I couldn't give in to her request. Ironic, I thought about it today wondering if she was testing me.

Help! I can't take this emotional roller coaster much longer.

Bob

[mahhhty]

Bob,
I hear that you love your wife and miss her.

I implore you to read some books, see a consoler, reflect on yourself, develop real 180s (what did you do a lot of, what should you do to be a compassionate loving partner), and do things that make you happy.

Sandi's Rules... You have to act like you have had an awakening. Do not reason, implore, beg, justify...

Grieving is natural and you need to grieve and learn from it, but the key to this is to figure out how to work on yourself, change you and your outlook and negative behaviors. Become the happy person you were during the courtship. Then things will turn around. Become the BEST possible version of yourself, that is not easy!

Refrain from reaching out, especially to explain anything, and when you do talk things should be upbeat, light and happy (best possible version of yourself). Explaining is justifying, which is reasoning, which is off limits.