Really too late....

[mahhhty]

Merry Christmas Lost. Keep your head up and stand your ground.

[lost18]

Not in a great place right now. Have not been doing a very good job of DBing. Sick of it. Every time I feel like I'm ready to let go I allow myself to get drawn back into the BS. It has been far too long for me not to be more detached.

I need to get my thoughts together and find some time to myself so I can post more. I don't want a divorce, but I'm tired of being treated the way I'm being treated. I deserve better.

[Maybell]

You've had a lot of together time. It's hard to catch your breath and evaluate your needs in the circumstances. You do deserve better. I think you might be in a similar space to where I was last year. Finding your boundaries like you did at the party will help a lot.

Hugs and a toast to a better 2015.

[lost18]

I think I've determined that it's not so much that I'm ready to let go of my M, I just don't know if I have it in me to continue this way. I feel the past 2 days H has either been in more contact with OW or just not trying to hide it as much. I was so angry that I could feel my face and skin burning. At any rate, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue. I tried to set boundaries in regards to him communicating with ow while we are home, that doesn't seem to have worked. It's like clockwork lately, between 4-430 he goes out to the garage and several times I've gone out there and he's on his phone. I can't prove that he is communicating with ow and if I try to reenforce my boundary it will start a fight. I'm stuck.

I really don't know how so many lbs have done this for so long. I feel more disrespected than I ever have in my life. I have an IC appt tomorrow, it helps but I wish she understood the DB principles. I went and bought another DR, read thru some parts in the bookstore first. I'm feeling down and like I definitely fall into the category that no matter what I do H is done.

I know I backslid quite a bit the last few days, I know there are things that even before that I wasn't doing very well. Especially with the expectations. I've been doing a lot of reading and listening to podcasts, it does make me more positive. Sorry for being such a downer lately, just trying to figure out what to do.

[HeavyD]

I say enough is enough. I too am at that point. It's about self respect. Boom.

[lost18]

Had a pretty good session with IC today, listened to podcasts and read some posts here. Bottom line is I'm not ready to give up, I do however realize the need to reiterate with H the boundary I set regarding contacting OP while I (and kids) are home. One of the podcasts I listened to is about being "all in." I want to save my marriage, and create a better one...time to go all in!

My IC reminded me of the positives in my situation. The big one is that he is home and we do spend time together and enjoy doing so. Definitely time for me to refocus.

[mahhhty]

My IC reminded me of the positives in my situation. The big one is that he is home and we do spend time together and enjoy doing so. Definitely time for me to refocus.

Thats definitely a good starting point. He is still there. Everyday is an opportunity!

The other woman isn't something you can control, but you can control how you deal with it!

[Elsa]

Lost, remind us -- what is your H's position with respect to the OW? Has he acknowledged her or completely denied it? Does he claim that he is no longer in contact with her, or did he just agree to respect your boundary and not contact her when you (or the girls) are there?

I've been pondering a little piece of wisdom I recently received from a friend: Trust him even when he doesn't deserve it.

I don't know that I agree with it 100%, but I think there may be some merit to it. My trust issues get in the way a lot in my M. They are completely justified, but they still get in the way. If I choose to take him at his word, it saves me from agonizing over whether I'm being told the truth or not, and it's easier for me to interact with him in a positive way. He may not deserve it, but at the same time I'm not making any big decisions right now that would be affected by whether or not he's being honest with me.

I guess this is all to say -- if he's said he's not contacting the OW when you're home, maybe you can trust that he's being honest and focus your energy elsewhere (like making sure that you spend QT together).

[lost18]

Lost, remind us -- what is your H's position with respect to the OW? Has he acknowledged her or completely denied it? Does he claim that he is no longer in contact with her, or did he just agree to respect your boundary and not contact her when you (or the girls) are there?

He has never acknowledged there is an ow. After the BD in Feb he spent the weekend somewhere with someone but his story about spending it with his buddy doesn't make sense. He spent 3ish days in the UK prior to our vacation in July (yes I snooped and admitted it) and claims to have just hung out there by himself. Again after snooping on his phone in July (not admitting what I know) I found lots and lots of communication between him and an OW in the UK. He did say (not in so many words) that he feels he is "free" to do whatever because he told me he wanted a D.

When he came home in Oct, the first day he was back he made a statement about me snooping and we "talked" about it. I than told him that I would appreciate him not communicating with OW or OWs while me and the kids are home. He made some comment about video chatting and agreed that would be disrespectful.

I don't have a way to prove that he is communicating with an OW but I think he probably is and I feel at this point I need to have some self-respect in regard to that. Also, I don't get any sort of feeling from him that he's changed his mind about D therefore feels like he's not doing anything wrong, but if he truly felt that then he probably wouldn't be as worried about hiding what he's doing. I know that's lots of mind reading, he also hasn't moved forward in anyway with a D.

He's home every night, rarely goes out, maybe an hour or two during the day so at this point there is no ongoing PA although there probably was.

Admittedly, I have done things I shouldn't, made excuses to go in the garage when he's out there (trying to catch him? make it inconvenient for him?) and there have been times when I can see that he's gotten angry about it. I am not going to out of the blue bring it up to him, however, if I do see him texting and trying to hide it I am going to reenforce my boundary.

"H, I don't know for sure who you are texting when you come out in the garage, but we did have an agreement when you came home and I hope you are honoring that agreement." (not sure on the wording here).

Also, not sure if he'll respond or how I may respond to his response so any advice here would be great.

It may not make a difference to him at all, but I need to feel like I'm standing up for myself and not being a doormat that allows him to do whatever the heck he wants.

maybe you can trust that he's being honest and focus your energy elsewhere (like making sure that you spend QT together).

Trust is hard, especially since he's not asking for it but I totally agree with focuing my energy elsewhere, maybe another reason I feel I need to say something. Unfortunately not a whole lot of QT right now.

[lost18]

After my declaration yesterday tonight was hard. I just wrote and erased a whole paragraph about how odd I thought H acted tonight and his movement around the house, realized it doesn't matter what he is doing, it's what I am doing. Mind reading, focusing on him, living in fear.

I am using my IC tools to and sometimes they help, sometimes they don't. I'm not a big believer in resolutions, I feel like you shouldn't have to wait until the new year to make changes, but will have to tie some of my new goals into NY resolutions!