Yeah, I'm not sure what it was, but you're right I read that note from your wife about your sitch. I guess it's just I almost feel used right now. I'm definitely sticking with it, there's no doubt about that. Not that it matters now, but my IC asked at one point if I thought W wanted me to figure it out. I look back and the few times that I did see her upset, I don't know if it was about our M or the A. I remember asking a couple times and she wasn't straight forward in why she was down and I'm sure that at that point I started to answer for her or give her reasons she should be happy. I've discovered that about myself. However, knowing my W, I'm sure it was a moral struggle. But I guess you're right, regardless she didn't think she could tell me and I need to take a little ownership in that.
Okpjc, I've been reading your sitch a little but haven't stopped in recently. Hope your doing okay. It seems like you are a few months behind me. I'm really thankful that Vanilla has given the insight that she has provided for me. It's taken me a while to hone in on where I need to change. As she said, not fundamental changes in MCS, but changes that I need to develop to say the least. Funny thing is, early on in the sitch I said to my IC that it felt things i needed to work on were more situational, but I could only figure out examples of past conversations. I couldn't figure out the fundamental change, which is what Vanilla helped with. it is the single most resonating thing about myself that I've learned here and I'm so thankful to her for that.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
But we should share our feelings with our spouse, good or bad. And not wait with it. That is our responsibility, that's what we promised each other. If we fail doing that it can only go downhill. It's a connection we need. Honesty trust and respect! If the spouse isn't doing this we have to take responsibility and be in charge.
Thanks for this hope your Xmas is good also.
So during an early counseling before I knew about OM, my W said to me that she knew exactly how I felt in the M. I would tell her how I felt, what was good, what was bad and so on. I fired back (wrong move) that that's why I thought she was telling me how she felt. I thought we were both telling each other. That's how M should be and I see that is as a couple did not share that on her side. That's where my complacency really messed things up, since I felt okay, I assumed she did. In the remote case I asked or she seemed upset, the emotional trust wasn't there for her to speak her mind. As the year went by and she was more entrenched in the A, I'm guessing it further divided us emotionally.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So another fun interaction with the W. She came to pick up the kids for Xmas this afternoon. Well, MCS household was in full Xmas mode, family was over, presents and wrapping paper everywhere, family all staying somewhat out of the way, but the driveway was full of cars. Anyway, kids came up and wanted to show W all there Xmas loot since they were so excited. W was cordial, but when S5 asked her to come see something in another room, she declined. Not a big deal....Then the fun started. Nothing too bad, just stuff I didn't want to deal with on Xmas
Our families live in the same general area, about 200 miles away from where we live. Anyway long story, but we were throwing around the idea to do a kid exchange somewhere up by our families. I left my plans open to go up with family or stay close to home, just because I didn't know about kids. As W was walking out, she said she needed to be back down near home for Monday morning (when we normally do the exchange) Anyway, I said I could get them Sunday night before she would travel back home. She said, well can I have them longer since you'll have them an extra day since you're getting them earlier. I said I needed to think about it, that I could just meet her back down at home since I wasn't committed to staying with Family Until New Year's Day (next exchange). Anyway, wished her a Merry Xmas and said to drive safely. She said thanks and it was generally an okay conversation (they have seemed to be getting better and more relaxed)
Well, she called me about 2 hours later (first call in about 3 months) and said she was going to travel down on Sunday so she could have Xmas at her place. Which was weird because she said she was going to have it there today, but at some point decided instead to drive kids 250miles to her mom's. Not sure why, but oh well. I wish the kids could have stayed at least at a house playing with their toys, but nothing I could do, nor did I say about that. Then she said she'd keep the kids for the couple days after that so I could stay w/ family and get the kids when I got back later in the week. I asked her if we could talk tomorrow since I had my nephew in the car with me and she was on speakerphone. As soon as I said that, she just hung up on me, didn't say anything at all.
So I guess she's angry at me?!? I guess because she wants to keep the kids longer, I don't know. I'll text her tomorrow and see if she wants to talk, but I'm guessing she won't.
This thing with the kids is so stressful, we are not on the same page with regards to them at all and if she doesn't get exactly what she wants, she either blows up at me or does something like this. Once upon a time, I'd start questioning her about why she didn't do Xmas for them today, or say they should stay at home, Etc. I'm learning to let that stuff go, but we can't even have a conversation about them....Ugh.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, got an email today from W's uncle that lives on the other side of the country. They never really talked, but once every couple years at family events. I guess he had my email address instead of my W's.
Anyway, he addressed it to her and referred back to a wedding that W attended a couple weeks ago. He said that he was sorry that he didn't get a chance to talk to her, but was concerned because W looked pretty stressed. Asked W to give him a call to talk.
Not that it matters, but I'm guessing he finally found out the sitch when he called W's grandfather for Xmas since it was weird because the wedding was beginning of Dec.
All I did was forward it to W, didn't add anything at all.
Anyway, I'm guessing the W's family is circling the wagons about our M, which I'm glad is happening. A good portion of the W's family is D and over the years, they've always seen us as a happy couple.
In addition to this, I got an Xmas card from FIL saying that he prays that somehow this can work out. I talked about SIL the other week, she's trying to talk with W. I know MIL has tried to talk to W about what's going on. W's grandfather sent an Xmas card to my house addressed just to W.
Then there was that guy that approached me when W was moving out.
I know that W needs to make her own decisions, but it's comforting that it seems that her family is trying to work it out with her. It also helps my PMA that I'm not the person that W perceives me to be, that doesn't matter for anyone else in the sitch, but it does help me when I start to believe the spew that she sends my way.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
So, I got a text from a friend today saying that she was thinking about me over the holidays and said she hoped I had a holiday that I deserved. After thinking about it for a few minutes, I replied back that the kids had a blast and that's all that I really wanted. It was a tough Xmas for me, but looking back the kids were so happy and I need to realize that is all that matters right now. I'm actually really proud of how I'm being their parent, their stability, through this. Just like my sitch, I don't think I've fundamentally changed my parenting, but some tweaks I've made have definitely helped them and myself through this.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
MCS
Interactions with W just seem a little like cross schedule stress. I would simply take the high road, the best for the kids so they travel least.
Yeah, I suppose you are right. I guess the thing that irked me was that she just hung up on me....but that's the small stuff. I guess, I need to look glass half full and she actually called in the first place. No contact since then, I guess I'll text her tomorrow and see if she'll let me know what her plans are.
Vanilla, I hope your holiday was as good as could be expected. Thanks a lot for all of your support on here, I've been feeling a lot better about my place and role in the separation because of your help. I feel like I'm more focused on things for myself than I was before which is just what was needed. I think this is going to be a long haul.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thank you for the accolade. Several DBers have really helped me, so we pay it forward for each other on these threads.
My holiday was more of the same, but at least peaceful. Not a dark time, DB is calming my sitch and I am becoming more detached as I cope with each new hurdle. I dare say dark times will come. Calm before the storm with a compulsive!
But for today, it's ok, one day at a time. Thank you for asking.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/28/1404:44 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So, some very, very small baby steps. Its weird just saying these things about my M, since less than 6 months ago; I'd never thought I would be in this spot. That's life, I guess
-I texted W about plans with the kids yesterday and she texted me right back. It is one of the first times I can remember that I initiated a conversation and she replied less than a few hours later. I did the 80% rule and send her a reply just saying "Thanks."
-She dropped off kids today and didn't rush out of the house. We chatted a very little bit <5 minutes. I may be reading into it, but there was an awkward pause. One of those that would happen when you first meet someone and neither has something to say, but is waiting for the other to continue. This is very different than just a couple weeks ago, that she would drop the kids in the door and rush to her car w/o saying anything at all. I count this one as a small step.
- I got a policy change on my insurance that said my status was D. She had pulled her name off the account. I knew she was going to remove her name, but the D caught me by surprise. I called and Insurance said it didn't make any difference and switched it to separated. When I asked W today, she said she told them S, but they just put D since it didn't make a difference. Another, that just a couple weeks ago she would try and not answer the question at all, she seemed pretty cordial answering it and didn't seem annoyed that I asked the question. __________ -Back to reality, kids said that W had OM and OM's son over to exchange Xmas gifts. OM's GF was not there. It doesn't mean anything at all, but I was hoping and praying that the change in attitude was because of NC with OM. Oh well....
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
MCS - Just rejoice in the baby steps and have no expectations. Also remember that good mood generally means that things are good with OM. I'm glad things are warming up a little between the two of you, but be careful not to be too dependent on the slightest signal for your mood. You should focus on yourself and create the means for you to be happy.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks for the insight, it is what I needed right now. I'm actually okay with the sitch right now. I'm at the point that I think that she just needs to figure out herself.
I definitely had GAL this weekend, going up to visit my parents and redoing their bathroom. It hadn't been upgraded in 30 years and they both are having problems with mobility, so they were really happy that it got done. It was weird sitting there with them and just me; no kids or W. I almost felt like I was living back home.
In all of this, my main struggle has been the complete shutdown of our communication. I think that W was in self-protect mode, in that when we talked the other month when I confronted her with OM, she told me that she was unsure of her decision. I backslid and used that to push the R talk which caused her to shut back down. I haven't been able to see if that comment was genuine or appeasing me to protect OM since she has been so NC since then.
I think I know better now to take her cues on how fast to move. If not about the R, at least so that we can have conversations about the kids.
I can say that I'm in a place where I know that I will be happy with having someone that I love and loves me back at some point. I said on a different thread; right now I pray that that person is my wife. However, not the person she's been the last couple months. That's where my faith that the man up above is controlling the outcome and hopefully growing her and I. I just need to sit back, let him work and try not to mess anything up along the way.
Not to get Holy Roller, but I have had a sense since the beginning that this is part of the story of my life and there's a plan for it. Life has been pretty easy for 35 years. A couple speed bumps; but never something to this magnitude. I've always appreciated that and don't think I took it for granted. However, the last couple months have been really influential, although painful, in developing who I am.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
