Also, about patience. It is the hardest part of all of this. But if you can get yourself to a peaceful detached place it is easier because then your focus is off your marriage and instead on you and what you can do right now for yourself. With or without him. Let his part happen in the background. Think of all of the things in our lives that require patience and how we deal with it.
Long lines: I text my friends or play games on my phone. Traffic: I listen to podcasts or audiobooks. On hold on the phone: I google or clean or do something. Whenever we need to be patient we figure out other places to focus our attention so that the experience is so much more pleasant. It's the same thing with your marriage right now. You can't control the timing of things, but you can make the most of it.
Last edited by mustardseed; 12/27/1401:40 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Stop worrying about the future, you don't know what tomorrow will bring so stop worry about tomorrow, enjoy today if today is the day your WAS wants to talk with you and share a drink or a meal with you or wants to do something with you & the kids. Be humble and appreciate the time you have with them, don't hasten the process and demand that things have to change and that you need to reconcile at this moment. Consider this a form of dating even if it isn't officially labeled as such. Stop forcing your spouses to have to be with you. If you have to force someone to love you and be with you, do you really want to be with those people? If those same WAS's make moves towards you, to communicate, to spend time with you & your children, to come over, to share a meal, etc. Enjoy that time you have with them, celebrate a success internally with yourself that you were able to accomplish something of such a grand nature when this WAS originally left you and never wanted to interact with you anymore. Stop asking for more, start appreciating what you have and stop believing that you deserve more than what you have - truth be told no one deserves anything, you get what you get in life because you placed yourself on that path to get the results you received. Stop believing you are entitled to something, entitlement breeds resentment and that will lead you down a path of anger & disappointment and poor results.
OK. So I think my H does want to do some of these things. He accepts every invitation I have made (or pretty close). He was really angry when I said no to his invitation to Christmas Eve dinner. He has (probably unconsciously) used language to make it seem like the door to R is still open.
I am not capable of walking through that open door at this time. I'm not trying to hold on to all the hurt, but I did suppress a TON of it for a really long time while I was begging and pleading and now I have to experience it and put off meeting him where he is because I can't get there at this time.
Christmas Day was much harder on me than I realized at the time. When he walked out the door I felt relieved that I had made it through as calmly as I had. Was as friendly to him as I would have been to a neighbor visiting (maybe slightly less).
The fact is that my pain is part of today. I would like the door to be open for the future but at the moment I think I have other fish to fry. I won't be able to enjoy his company or whatever as this excerpt describes while I'm still processing through my own feelings about the relationship. I'm just not that good.
I think the IC I have the appointment with isn't going to be a good fit. I already don't feel confident about her. I think I'd like to cancel that appointment and keep looking around for someone who sounds strong and confident. I don't think this is me avoiding my issues. I think this is me trying to avoid getting burned for the 3rd time.
Am I on the right track again?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sounds like it to me. If you don't jive with your IC, change quickly.
If you still have any resentment towards H, it will be almost impossible to try and reconcile. You've got to work through that first. You have enough insight to your own feelings that I believe you are doing better than you think.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. It is such a challenging time of year.
From the outsider's perspective, I think you are being too hard on yourself. You make it sound like no way could your h have possibly loved you the last few years. Perhaps you could have done things differently, however you were doing the best you could at the time. And just a reminder, while you can't change him, it is worth saying that your h has his own issues. You are not responsible for his issues and it sounds like you are trying to take blame for things that are not your responsibility.
Labug said something that really resonates with me and probably many others. Every marriage can't be saved (and I'm not advocating D or saying to file) and the reality is every M shouldn't be saved. Honestly (and it pains me to admit this) I believe I fall into the latter. It doesn't exactly make my day to hear that, however I have been told by mutilple people that I seem like a burden has been lifted off me and that I glow. Even though that surprises me, at my core, I know they are right. Ugh!!! My xh is not a bad person rather he is mentally ill and plays the victim in life. It's who is he and who he was for our M.
I didn't mean to hijack. Sorry-I do that sometimes. Just wanted to let you know you aren't a * bad* person. You are worthy of love.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks, GB, and it wasn't a hijack. Everybody's story is instructive. It gives new perspective on the different ways we can and do respond to things around us.
I have no idea if our M can or should be saved. That's what makes me wobble so much. Yes, he has his own issues, and I struggle sometimes to remember that, and sometimes I'm so angry with him I focus on those without thinking of mine. I'd like to be more objective. Robx was right, but also a bit harsh in laying blame for the separation on the LBS.
Healthy people deal with their issues in more ways than avoiding, cheating, and running away.
I know ways I behaved that he didn't like. I don't think any of them were so significant that I deserved to be ignored, cheated on, and abandoned. I think had he been healthier I also would have been healthier. I think some of my unhealthy behaviors were an effort to compensate for some of his unhealthy behaviors. But I struggle to remember that with some of the messages here about change yourself first, be a spouse only a fool would leave, etc.
I'm MUCH better today than I was yesterday. I slept REALLY late this morning -- later than I EVER do, even when the kids were tiny, and I've been moving kind of slowly today, just trying to be kind to myself.
Thanks for the reassurance, GB and Jefe. I appreciate your checking in with me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Funny - I was going to post something similar, only in terms of compatibility. Many books poo poo the term but I wonder?
A good relationship to me is...supporting and encouraging each other so that we both can feel fulfilled in life. Meeting needs and LL play into that, but so too do things having similar values, similar goals etc
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Similarly to what Gbelle said, you don't need to take on 100% of the responsibility for what happened. But it's probably not 0% either, but rather somewhere in-between. All we can do is recognize our behaviors and attitudes that contributed, and work on those. Yes, our H's have their own issues, and we can't do anything about them, and who knows what % of the contribution those are (trying to define it will get us nowhere productive). If you do everything within your circle of influence and he does nothing/is still uninterested... now you're ready for the next things that come your way I do agree that the emphasis on how we have to carry 100% of the effort right now, etc., makes it feel like it's all us that is the problem... but it's really not. That's just the only thing we have the power to fix. Our H's issues are theirs, but it's good to keep in mind that those are there, too, and the collapse of our M's is not all our responsibility.
There are probably a gazillion books and websites out there about what makes a relationship "good" And the real answer is going to vary a lot from person to person and couple to couple. To me, it involves hearing the other person and respecting and acknowledging their point of view (which I think manifests itself in meeting R needs and speaking love languages), honest and open communication, and some shared values and goals. I think I've read in books or articles that working together towards those values and goals is key. I have friends whose spouses have very different interests and hobbies than their own but at the end of the day they still enjoy spending time together, have some shared values about what's important in life and who they would like to be as adults, things like that. "Compatibility" is kind of a mysterious term. I don't think it has to mean you both like camping, or dogs, or whatever, but moreso how you communicate and view the world, maybe?
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
Similarly to what Gbelle said, you don't need to take on 100% of the responsibility for what happened. But it's probably not 0% either, but rather somewhere in-between. All we can do is recognize our behaviors and attitudes that contributed, and work on those. Yes, our H's have their own issues, and we can't do anything about them, and who knows what % of the contribution those are (trying to define it will get us nowhere productive). If you do everything within your circle of influence and he does nothing/is still uninterested... now you're ready for the next things that come your way I do agree that the emphasis on how we have to carry 100% of the effort right now, etc., makes it feel like it's all us that is the problem... but it's really not. That's just the only thing we have the power to fix. Our H's issues are theirs, but it's good to keep in mind that those are there, too, and the collapse of our M's is not all our responsibility.
There are probably a gazillion books and websites out there about what makes a relationship "good" And the real answer is going to vary a lot from person to person and couple to couple. To me, it involves hearing the other person and respecting and acknowledging their point of view (which I think manifests itself in meeting R needs and speaking love languages), honest and open communication, and some shared values and goals. I think I've read in books or articles that working together towards those values and goals is key. I have friends whose spouses have very different interests and hobbies than their own but at the end of the day they still enjoy spending time together, have some shared values about what's important in life and who they would like to be as adults, things like that. "Compatibility" is kind of a mysterious term. I don't think it has to mean you both like camping, or dogs, or whatever, but moreso how you communicate and view the world, maybe?
I was going to post but K beat me to it. This girl's go IT!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I do agree that the emphasis on how we have to carry 100% of the effort right now, etc., makes it feel like it's all us that is the problem... but it's really not. That's just the only thing we have the power to fix. Our H's issues are theirs, but it's good to keep in mind that those are there, too, and the collapse of our M's is not all our responsibility.