Confusion is getting better, I think...

[Okabe]

Number 2 seems like a good idea. One of the gifts (the most expensive one) is a gift certificate that will expire by next fall (an outdoor theater season), so that one should be used up. I was thinking putting the boys names on it, that way it would deflect some of the pressure (though she'd know) to thank me.
You know as I thought about it, I bet I was trying to win points in some way, but just didn't want to admit it to myself. I've got a ways to go yet.

[sandi2]

I've not heard many who are big enough to admit it.

[Okabe]

I am trying to learn about myself more in this process and that has to come with some humility and owning up to my own faults.
I appreciate your, and everyone else's input / insight. Hopefully I will come through all of this wise enough to be helpful for someone else in the future.

[Okabe]

I am trying to detach. I really am. The holidays and W is making it difficult.
So on Tuesday we had to go X-mas shopping together for the boys. I had a few things in mind that they said they wanted and we were looking at that.
W then starts talking about purchasing an x-box one. I hadn't even considered it. She would make this purchase and I told her that it was more up to her since it would come from her account. I was fine either way. She has been trying to decide this over the last 2 days. She just called me at work and talked to me for about 15 minutes about the pros and cons, whether to make it a family gift, how I could use it as a multi media device (I probably should've cut this short), etc.
For someone who told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to stay with me or if I was the kind of man she wanted to be with anymore, buying things (and planning for the future) together is confusing.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy that she doesn't have one foot out the door, but these mixed signals are hard to deal with at times since I don't know what to make of them.
Just have to shake it off and re-focus on detaching, getting myself right, and GAL as much as possible.

[Okabe]

I don't know if it is that the W is out of school for the semester, the holidays, if DB stuff I am doing is working, or some combination thereof but W has been more communicative and less sullen this week.
We are still in the no affection or ILYs stage and I don't see that changing until a R talk happens, but I am not pushing for this.
I guess I will continue to try to detach better and GAL until I see some more concrete movement back to a healthier R and then we can start working on something better.

[Okabe]

Through X-mas finally. It was a good day. Both my and W's family came to our place and celebrated. W was friendly, but not overly so.
I gave her the gifts since I had them (and one of them had to be given and used), and I put the boys names on the expensive one. She told me that she didn't know we were exchanging gifts. I replied that she never gave me an answer and that I had told her that I had something for her, but that it didn't matter that she hadn't done anything. She said she would buy me accessories for when I purchase my laptop. I said if she wanted to do that that was fine and up to her.
I also did a very non- DB thing. I decided before I went to bed last night to offer her a hug. She accepted and hugged back and gave me a kiss. I told her I loved her and she replied she loves me as well. It was warm and genuine and the first hug that I have had from her in a long time that felt like a real hug (not simply tolerated).
That being said: while that interaction was really nice I can't read too much into it. I figure I need to go back to detaching, and GAL actions. This was a nice moment, but the work to repair our M will happen when she is ready to talk about our R and we can start to move forward.

[Okabe]

So I'm sitting in the living room on the couch and W is sitting by herself on the loveseat. I want to sit next to her so we can be close, but I am afraid this will come off as needy and be unwanted.
At what point do I try to take action? Is it just best to wait for her to take the first step? Feeling unsure of myself given that we've been getting along recently.

[Mozza]

Have you read this? To me, this is DBing at its finest and it's working well. No pursuing at all. Your W is warming up a little? Keep doing what you're doing, no pursuing.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2520244#Post2520244

[Okabe]

Thanks Mozza. I didn't. And I plan on keeping on working on detaching.
I told her goodnight as I left the room (she stays up much later than I, playing online gaming) she said goodnight and blew me a kiss. I think it was kind of automatic, but it was the first time she's done that on her own in months.
I am planning on several GAL activities for the coming months. IC, archery lessons with s11, hip hop dance lessons, judo, and hopefully mandolin lessons.
I have been working on my 180s: letting her take care of more things (mailing out her Dad's x -Mas gifts, getting the oil changed in the van, etc. I have made sure that I give her full attention when she is speaking to me. I think those have helped.
The holidays have made it challenging to detach, but I'll redouble my efforts.

[Okabe]

Back to working on detaching.
The W seems back to her pre-holiday self (a little quietly and seemingly down) . I should stop watching though.
It has been hard to detach though. The temptation to bring up R talk or attempt affection has been strong lately. I won't and do plan to. I guess I just wonder if I am going to have to be the one to bring up R talk. W is slow to change and I often wonder how long it will take her to bring up what direction she wants to take. I know however if I end up bringing up R talk I end up in the same roll as pursuer that I have always been in. I can't do that again. It wasn't helping before.
I hope I am thinking about this right.