Maybell XXV: Moving Toward the Lighthouse

[labug]

Feeling hurt and less detached today. I think he and I might really be over.

He graduated from college in 3 years so he could get started on his adult life. I think I was part of that push for early achievement. I don't think he had any clue what grown-up marriage would be like and not much desire to engage in one. I've never been very important to him.

He is not a thoughtful person. He didn't help AT ALL yesterday. Except to play with the kids a little. He's like that everywhere. Waiting to be served. Never helps with the dishes at his parents' house or anywhere else. Never helped with the kids or anything. Would walk into their house, greet them, and then start reading the paper once he'd gotten his beer. In seventeen years I don't think he ever once helped with the dishes after a big family meal at their house.

Our financial condition is beginning to deteriorate. I saw an indication that he may have been on a date in the statements. (I know we're not supposed to snoop but the cash has dropped so much and so suddenly that I was trying to figure out why.)

I don't think I am broadly codependent. I think I've been trying to compensate for my H's lack of emotional involvement for years. Yesterday I saw him more clearly and I saw a guy who was willing to ask for big things but not to give little things. I asked for THREE things. All small. All things my daughter knows how to find. I received one of them, because it was electronic. One of my gifts was from D11, but none of them were from my boys. That kind of hurt. He didn't try to foster their ability to show me loving gestures. They give me plenty of loving gestures anyway without his guidance but it says a lot about him. His gifts were from each of the children, and they were very excited to share them with him.

I think what I'm feeling now is just blow-back from having been around him so much yesterday. I'm working hard to be detached but today I'm exhausted, yesterday I was even more exhausted, and I'm just feeling emotional.

What am I supposed to do with that Buddha gift? I don't want to use it. I don't want ANOTHER thing to set out when I'm trying to clear my life of things that don't serve me. But he chose it for me on purpose. (I think it was in a clearance bin, though).

He really hasn't understood me in a long time and the words to help him understand are stuck in my throat because of how he's treated me.

On another note, I talked to my mom a couple of weeks ago and when she asked what i wanted for Christmas I said I'd like a bag for work. I asked, very hesitantly, if I could choose it because (all I'd wanted to say was size, shape, and color)... and that's as far as I got before she launched into a HUGE tirade about how she wasn't going to buy me some tacky cheap crocheted thing and that I shouldn't think so little of them and on and on and on. It was very ugly, heated, and long, and I just sat there on the other end of the phone trying to get a word in edgewise to defuse the whole thing and I never could. I don't even remember how it ended or how I got off the phone. It was awful. So I didn't choose a bag because after that I felt like every time I laid eyes on it I'd just remember the tongue-lashing I'd received, and I didn't get anything from my parents for Christmas either. Nor did I send them anything. I tried to text a few times but they ignored em, I called twice after that but they declined my calls so I haven't spoken to them in a couple of weeks. I don't feel like I've been treated very fairly by them and I'm tired of making the effort. D11 asked me if I'd ever treat HER that way if she went a few weeks without calling and I said of course not, I couldn't imagine behaving that way.

I want to change my life NOW. I want my H to either man up and return to the marriage or LEAVE. I want to know how to treat my parents so I don't keep walking into these booby traps, and I would like to keep them at serious arms length too. I just want to settle into a life that is MINE from this day on (not in this house) and be OK. I want to be happy.

I'm ok, just tired and emotional from the holidays.

You might like the Buddha thing. What bothers you so much about it? Remember sometimes gifts don't come wrapped in pretty packages...even if they're wrapped in pretty packages.

I've been thinking for a while that you just don't like your H very much at all. And that may seem like a "well, duh" thing but it isn't. I was plenty angry at my H for a long time but I knew that he really was a good person, he did stuff that drove me nuts but that was my issue. He really was and is a good person.

Question, why didn't you ask him to help? Also, I thought there was going to be a time set for how long he was going to stay.

Your H may be a dud. Are you ready to file?

[Maybell]

I used to like him a lot. He stopped sharing himself with me. When D11 was a toddler. Then I had to remind him to spend time with me and try to be connected. It just got harder and harder. There were periods when things were close but they're hard to believe in now. Now I don't even know how to connect anymore because I'm so hurt that he refused to turn towards me in the marriage and then had the affair and made it seem like I was boring and uninspiring and that he can't feel passion for me. And I was so lonely and he just wouldn't try to connect with or cherish me. Wouldn't take me with him on any of the amazing places he went. Wouldn't try to do more than dinner and a movie when we did go out. He taught me to love baseball when we were newly married but after d11 was born never took me to another game, in spite of my asking, till she was 8 or 9.

I *want* to like him and believe in him. I *want* to forgive him for everything that went with the affair. There was so much pain dished out during that year-plus.

I'm maybe being irrational about the gift. Maybe he's trying to say something to me. When I did yoga really intensively he said it "made a huge difference" but he didn't spend a lot of time with me then so I don't know that it made any difference. I was put off by the "master the art of letting go" emblazoned on the front of the box. I'm doing the best that I can.

[Maybell]

The kids asked him to stay later.

When he was lashing at me for saying no to Christmas Eve dinner he was a bit scathing about "Maybell can't handle spending time with me or whatever" and my reactions here today seem to show that's true. My hurt today is on me. He wasn't bad yesterday but it hurts that we don't connect.

It is very hard to think of him as a good person in the aftermath of the affair. For all our personal similarities, Labug, I do think that my having dealt with the moves and the affair make a significant difference. If doing the dishes at his parents' house or being more attentive to his mom was all that was required for me to file, we'd never have made it to kids.

Sometimes I think I belong in the MLC forum.

[Jefe]

Maybell, I don't know that I have anything useful to say other than I completely recognize the pain that you're in right at this very moment.

I've got a lot of built up anger and resentment towards my wife. Some founded, some not founded at all; all of it completely useless to my healing and absolutely destructive to any future reconciliation.

Holidays are tough. Don't make any decisions about anything now.

I wish I knew the right thing to say. Then again, if I did I probably wouldn't be in the mess I'm in, myself.

Merry Christmas, Maybell.

[labug]

It is very hard to think of him as a good person in the aftermath of the affair. For all our personal similarities, Labug, I do think that my having dealt with the moves and the affair make a significant difference. If doing the dishes at his parents' house or being more attentive to his mom was all that was required for me to file, we'd never have made it to kids.

He may not be a good person. I don't know that.

I also don't think every marriage should be saved but I think every person here can save themselves.

I had a reply written but I think robx said it all back in 09 in a post entitled The Quick Solution and being unique.

Everyday users on this forum will post an unknown number of replies & questions dealing with their relationships & marriages and every post boils down to some variation of...

"What should I do? I've read the other threads on this forum but my situation is unique..."

Bottom line, nothing in this world is new anymore. As much as you think your situation is unique, it really is a variation of quite a few common themes that you see posted & replied to regularly in these forums.

You may have heard the term, "WAS script".
Well "script" implies that the WAS (man or woman) will say & do things that are common for a person that wants to leave a relationship/marriage. My personal favorite is "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". Impressive that with so many unique marital situations that this particular statement re-occurs on a regular basis.

What else is not unique in many of your situations: TIME.
In most if not all of your respective situations, it has taken months and more probably years for your relationships to get to to their current status. It took alot of time to get to where you are, it took alot of time for the damage to accumulate to a point where your spouse made a decision to leave the relationship and you all have to realize that it's going to take a long time to get your relationship back if that's even a possibility.

Guarantees... there are none. Know this. Accept this.
You can do everything right in your current journey of busting your divorce and still not get your spouse back. There are no guarantees in life. No one knows what tomorrow will bring and you can't predict or control the future. But.... (and you know I like big buts) you all have a chance. As long as your heart beats, as long as you have a spring in your step, a smile on your face and the willingness to improve yourself and be the kind of spouse you would want to have (change begins & ends with the person you stare at in the mirror everyday) then you have a chance, a very good chance - it's not a guarantee but it's better than nothing at all.

You all come here looking for a solution. Years of marital problems, personal neglect, spousal neglect along with countless other issues and you all come here looking for a solution because your spouse has told you in one way or another "I've had enough and I don't want this marriage anymore."

This happened to all of you in one way or another and I don't care how "unique" your situation is, your spouse finally communicated to you in person that they wanted to leave you or they had an affair with another person which pretty much indicates the same thing.

So what prompted you to action? Crisis, fear of loss. It was only when you were faced with losing something that you finally decided to act.

Regardless of how "blind" you might have been during the marriage/relationship, you all had some clues & indicators that your spouse wasn't happy. You just thought you would plug along as you have been doing, thinking that your spouses would get out of their funk eventually and just be loving & caring. Maybe some of you felt that the other spouse had to change because they had "changed" into someone you didn't recognize anymore and you weren't going to fix anything until they fixed it, it was their responsibility, their fault, since they are married, they had an obligation to do something as well. Yes this is all very "unique".

Here is also something "unique".... you all want an answer NOW.
How do I do this? How do I respond when they do this? What is my next move? Should I do this and employ this tactic? What do I say when they do this? My personal favorite: How do I GAL when they've moved away and won't even notice my changes?

Yes you're all very "unique".

You all want to fix your relationships now, something that is also "unique". I want results now, I NEED RESULTS NOW! Read those words, think about the times that you yourself may have even said those things or something similar or even just thought about it. Reflect on how needy you've become, how insecure you've become, how unattractive that behavior really is: ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!

I've said it before, consumerism isn't just alive & well at the shopping malls. It's alive & well in your relationships. I want something new, improved, better, faster, stronger, and I want it NOW! It took years to create the problems that you are a part of but you all want a fix now. The microwave isn't fast enough, the car isn't fast enough, high speed internet isn't fast enough, the computer definitely isn't fast enough and there aren't enough hours in the day. Do any of you recognize the recurring theme here? You all want what you want and you all want it NOW!

Well your marriage isn't a microwave dinner and you aren't going to be able to nuke it and make it ready in 30 seconds. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can start doing the real work which takes time, effort, consistency of action (which builds trust) and the willingness to do things that you haven't done before, something that the "old" you wouldn't have done because the "old" you was boring and not willing to adapt & change.

You want to be efficient at cooking dinner, go for it.
You want to be efficient at work, go for it.
You want to be efficient at doing the laundry and taking care of your homes, go for it.

When it comes to your relationships and repairing the damage that took years to build up and destroy your marriages, there is no 30 second nuke button to hit. The repair process takes time, it takes a long time to heal a heart, it takes a long time to rebuild trust, it takes a long time to fix a relationship because it took a long time to break it.

This is a common fact for you all of you. This process will take time, alot of time. Trying to implement a quick fix will actually slow down your progress - that is the only guarantee I can provide to all of you. Trying to force your relationship to heal at a quicker pace will cause more damage. You will inevitably reveal to your spouse how selfish you are and that the only reason you want to recover this relationship is for you and not for them and they will see through that.

The "BS-meter", all of your WAS's are equipped with this piece of equipment, if you're not sincere in your efforts they will be able to tell and it will erase any progress you've made and even set you back a few steps.

Slow is fast, Fast is slow - tattoo this to your foreheads if you can't remember it.

I can't count how many situations I've read in these various forum posts where the LBS is making real progress, their WAS is warming up to them again, calling them, interacting, communicating, smiling, spending more time, doing things together, emailing, texting, etc. And after 1 or 2 days/weeks, the LBS figures it's time to press the WAS for marriage counselling or talking about the relationship and reconciliation. It took a few years to damage your relationship but you figure after a few weeks of peaceful interactions with your WAS that it's time to force them to make a decision about reconciling with you. You are all very "unique" in this respect. You all do this or will do this in your own "unique" ways.

Here's a novel idea.... the WAS that left you because they didn't want to be with you is suddenly spending more time with you, suddenly communicating with you more often, doing things with you, smiling with you, is comfortable with you. Keep doing what you're doing! Don't bring up relationship talk, talks of reconciling, enjoy the moment! Stop worrying about the future, you don't know what tomorrow will bring so stop worry about tomorrow, enjoy today if today is the day your WAS wants to talk with you and share a drink or a meal with you or wants to do something with you & the kids. Be humble and appreciate the time you have with them, don't hasten the process and demand that things have to change and that you need to reconcile at this moment. Consider this a form of dating even if it isn't officially labeled as such. Stop forcing your spouses to have to be with you. If you have to force someone to love you and be with you, do you really want to be with those people? If those same WAS's make moves towards you, to communicate, to spend time with you & your children, to come over, to share a meal, etc. Enjoy that time you have with them, celebrate a success internally with yourself that you were able to accomplish something of such a grand nature when this WAS originally left you and never wanted to interact with you anymore. Stop asking for more, start appreciating what you have and stop believing that you deserve more than what you have - truth be told no one deserves anything, you get what you get in life because you placed yourself on that path to get the results you received. Stop believing you are entitled to something, entitlement breeds resentment and that will lead you down a path of anger & disappointment and poor results.

Rebuild yourself, change yourself for you first. Become a better person for you. Reclaim your individuality. You were an individual before you were a part of this relationship with your WAS. It was your individuality that made you attractive, learn what it is to become you again, enjoy being you, continue pressing forward, personal development is a lifelong process, don't be lazy with yourself, be the best you that you can be.

The repair process is slow, anyone preaching a quick fix does not know what they're talking about.

There are also many methods to possibly accomplish the herculean task of repairing your marriage, "busting your divorce". Many of us will have many ideas on what you can do to accomplish this task. None are guaranteed to work, remember there are no guarantees. But if you fail to act, you are acting to fail and will achieve those results. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results. So one piece of advice that will be common to all of you, do things differently from what you are doing now and please stop whining and saying "I can't do this", "I can't do that", it's that same attitude that got you into this mess to begin with - you can do it, you just don't want to do it and it's that same attitude that prompted your WAS to leave you.

You all have questions, you all want advice, you all have pain, you all claim to love your spouses but your past actions with them might indicate otherwise, you all want your spouses back - and yet you all claim to have "unique" situations.

Give yourself the time to find those answers to those questions, give yourself time to improve yourself for you first and then your children, don't change for your spouse - that is definitely the wrong thing to do, remember the "BS-meter" that I mentioned previously. Give yourself time to heal from your pain, admit to yourself that if your spouse has hurt you, they may not be able to do anything to rectify that with you, you in the end have the ability to forgive them for what they may have done, that is within your control and that is your choice. Allow them the same courtesy, to heal within their own amount of time, allow them the choice of forgiving you and realize that no one owes you anything.

If you pray to GOD (and if you don't maybe you should but then again, that is YOUR choice), pray for CLARITY so that you have a clear mind that your vision is restored so that you can see clearly enough to know what you want and know what you have to do. Pray for the CONFIDENCE to take action on the choices you make and pray for WISDOM to choose wisely.

Stop praying for a quick fix to your problems, it doesn't exist.
There is no QUICK SOLUTION.

And if you want to truly be "UNIQUE", start by doing things that you normally wouldn't do, start by letting go of the need to control others and realize that you can only control your thoughts & actions. Respect your WAS's decision to leave you, you gave them reason to do so, if you want them back you will need to give them a reason to come back and that doesn't mean calling them and making them feel guilty for their actions. You want the reason they come back to you to be because they want to be with you and you can only promote that kind of feeling in others by making changes in yourself that would allow that kind of environment to exist and know that the changes you make in yourself aren't being done for your spouse, they're being done because you ultimately want to live a great life and you realize how you were living before wasn't great.

If you want to be "unique", and this is for all of you and especially those of you that feel like doormats in your current situations: Grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit. If you can't respect yourself, how can you expect others to respect you, how can you expect others to love you?

If you want to be "unique", and this is for all of you that happen to unfortunately be in abusive relationships: Love yourself and respect yourself enough to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you - it is one of the toughest lesson's you will ever learn but also the most rewarding.

I wish all of you "unique" db'ers a good day,
hopefully some of you saw yourselves in the examples listed above and hopefully you have some additional clarity into what you are currently doing

The rest of the thread is here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867000&page=1

Maybell, you are worthy. If I've been hard on you it's because I see your worth and your strength.((( )))

[claire7]

Maybell,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. And I'm so appreciative that you took the time to post on my thread. I read back a few pages on this thread, and found lots of great advice from labug. Man, she asks tough questions!

This is a good time of year to sit back and reflect, and set goals-- but maybe not to act on anything just yet. Because it's also a really emotional time of year-- for everyone.

[Maybell]

Thank you, Labug. That's another one I'm going to have to print and come back to.

That was a lot of time I spent with him yesterday. It's like during the summer when I would go on all those tirades about I'd might as well just file now. Only three months of distance has made it possible for this to be a one-day festival of emotion, kept mostly contained and not communicated to him as it was during that time.

I am a better person with and for the kids. Trying to have stronger boundaries has led to the backlash with my mom, which weakens me in other ways. I was NOT a whole person when H and I got married, though I made a heroic (and largely successful) effort a few years in to be more whole.

If I were my H I would not want to be married to me now. I would not have wanted to be married to me in the last 2-3 years, maybe. I would like to become a woman only a fool would leave. And I appreciate your honesty because it's true, constructive, and kind at the same time.

I've got to think on all this. Today has been rough.

[lost18]

I want to change my life NOW. I want my H to either man up and return to the marriage or LEAVE.

This is so me right now. I hope you're doing better. Every time I read you're posts I see me. A lot of what you say is the same way I feel. I read your posts the other day about feeling inadequate, weird because that was the word I finally used to describe how I felt in my marriage and as a mother.

A new year is coming, I hope we can all start fresh!

[Maybell]

Preliminary thoughts after a night of hard sleep (and I need more)

1) yes -- more time is required -- I am hurt and not capable of much generosity. Need to take time to heal from that.

2) him same. I do not understand where his hurt comes from and that's frustrating. But it may not be all me.

3) I've been praying for clarity like mad. If the reluctance I feel to end this marriage is my clarity then I need to pray for patience too. And spend some time in my journal spelling out all the things I feel hurt about so I can acknowledge them and begin to let them go. If it's not then I need to pray for courage.

Thank God Christmas is only once a year. I can't spend this much time with him again for a long time. It would kill all my progress.

[mustardseed]

I'm with you Maybell. I just want to move on with my life, and he is my donkey (or shall we say ass) that refuses to budge. He just dug his heals in the sand and said, "I'm not going any farther with you" but hasn't done a darn thing about it.

So my choice is to just hang around in that spot, making the most of it while he figures it out (DBing) or taking what things I can and charging ahead alone (filing). But one more month of this living situation and I think I'm going to explode. Yet I have an appointment with the lawyer Monday and I am still not sure what I am going to do when I get there. I've been hiding in my bedroom since yesterday morning. Today I have to make it appoint to get up and out and GAL.