So this is what this feels like... (first post)

[mvg]

Happy Holidays everyone.

First, I just want to extend a sincere thank you to everyone on this board. Over the last 30 days, your comments, advice and thoughts have played a major role in me being able to function every day. I read this site all day…at work, before bed, constantly. I can't imagine what I would've done without it. Thank you. Especially to HP and eleven…your stories have really inspired me and I want you to know how your strength and courage has affected the lives of not only myself, but as a result, my children as well.

I'm here, as everyone is, for support. I'm not here to bash my wife or tell you everything she's doing "wrong." She's the mother of my children (S4, S1) and I will never bad mouth her to anyone, despite everything that has and continues to happen. She is the love of my life and this has been the most painful month I've ever experienced. Most days, the pain doesn't even feel real.

Thirty one days ago, I was a happily married man. Today? I'm waiting to be served as she has already put a lawyer on retainer and has started the filing process.


There is an OM involved, although he is being played down significantly. They've been in contact for a year and she's admitted to kissing him. I don't want to let my brain go to a dark place, but between the new clothes, the new makeup and coming home at 1AM several times over the last month, it's hard to imagine that things aren't further along than she's admitting.


When the bomb was dropped (one day before my birthday and two weeks after I was laid off) I was given a "choice." My W wanted a separation, not a D. The terms were that after our boys were in bed, I would leave the house three nights a week and she would leave the house three nights a week. She would go pursue this OM (or just be alone) and encouraged me to do the same. I'll spare everyone the details of the bomb drop, what she said isn't important. Her words were very similar to what I've read here (I've known for 12 years you weren't the right guy for me….Not in love with you….the right guy is out there….etc)


As I have zero intention on pursuing anyone other than my wife, I was unable to agree to her terms and since then, she's started the D process. This has all happened within 30 days.


At this point, her rings are off, she's been moved out of the bedroom for 2 weeks and we barely speak. My heart is completely obliterated. I read DB and DR in about two days and have spent the last month on the LRT. It's hard when we still live together and have two young boys who are my entire world.


I know that I have to let her go. It's the worst decision I've ever had to accept in my life. Just brutal. It's gut wrenching to watch her come home at 1 or 2 in the morning, take a long shower in our room then head down to the couch for the night.

I love her more than she has ever known. She told me I'm about 85% of what she wants and needs in a husband. My reply was that I deserve to be 100% to somebody, she agreed.


I can't believe that I'm writing this. Even as I type this it seems completely insane to me.


At the end of the day, my children are my life. I've waited my entire life to be a father and husband and they are my two proudest and happiest roles. At some point, I'll GAL, but until then, I'll try my hardest to lovingly detach. (that phrase is so odd to me)



By no means am I free of responsibility in this situation. However, I don't think that anything has occurred over our R that is outside of the scope of normal married couple crap…I guess she didn't feel the same.


I told my wife that despite being completely against her decision, that I had to admit to myself that I do in fact love her unconditionally…and I have to let her go. I told her that I truly hope she finds what she is looking for, if she already hasn't. As much as it pains me to admit this, I hope she finds the love out there that I so desperately wanted (want) her to take from me.



Happy holidays everyone and from the bottom of my broken heart, thank you very much for being here.



Best,

movingAhead

[HeavyD]

I am so sorry to read your post. I feel for you especially since I (and many others) are right there with you. This blows.

You will get messages of support that include.

1. Breathe
2. Detach lovingly
3. You will feel better slowly, day by day. Trust me on this one
4. GAL - get a life, do things outside of your comfort zone such as walking, running, making new friends, doing play dates with your kids friends and parents,etc.... Anything that gets you moving. Anxiety and depression love to be still, the more you move, the less you feel their presence.
5. Remember this is very new situation, you will be told to believe only 50% of what she says and does.

Hang tough friend, post often, it helps and you will make a lot of friends on the board.

[UpperCu]

Obviously she is having sex with him...

Have you seen an attorney yet? If not, CALL ONE ASAP! You must protect yourself. Do not move out, don't do anything she suggests until you meet with an attorney. How are you protecting your assets and finances?? It's time to think about cancelling credit cards, moving money around, etc.

What are the D laws in your state?

This is not a game. Your marriage is no longer okay. You NEED to talk with an attorney. She is probably being brainwashed by OM and her attorney is going to suggest things to her that are VERY BAD for you. You know OM isn't on your side either.

Please act quickly on this.

You probably feel like meeting with an attorney is "the end." It's not. I was reluctant to go to one too, but felt very good after doing so. Knowledge is power...

Hang in there.

[NH115]

You are in the right place mvg. This forum has been an absolute godsend to me. I feel like I picked up a new herd of virtual friends who have kept me from making some stupid mistakes.

I would also suggest a few sessions with a DB coach. Pricey, but worth it.

Your sitch carries a lot of similarities to mine. I got BD on my birthday when W admitted her feelings for OM. He doesn't live anywhere near here, so their chances to be together physically have been minimal. She does admit to one makeout session but that's it. I don't believe her but I have no way to prove otherwise.

My W told me last night that we have everything for a good marriage except for sexual attraction (on her side). What WAW don't understand is that as long as they're in that limerence phase with OM, they're largely blocked off to us sexually. It's almost chemically impossible for them to feel attraction for us. Addiction is a word that's used a lot in this forum and it's very appropriate.

Read Sandi's 37 rules. Believe nothing of what they say. They are looking for any reason to justify their behavior, no matter how nonsensical. These thing don't happen in a vacuum. There are usually legitimate preexisting issues in a relationship before one spouse decides to pursue someone else. Validate and take responsibility when their complaints are valid, but don't put up with BS when they're goofy. And you'll likely hear some goofy ones.

And I second the recommendation to see an attorney. Most will do an initial consultation with you for free or very little. I picked the best divorce attorney in my area; that also served to prevent my W from retaining him if D becomes imminent. I felt 10x better after talking to him. It's a way of taking control of a situation over which you have very little influence right now.

Prayers to you. I'll continue to follow your thread.

[mvg]

Odd how excited I was to see replies to my post...on a divorce forum...on Christmas Eve

Yes, I've met with two attorneys at this point. My father is actually an attorney and has put me in touch with some great people. I live in a no fault state so no point in filing on grounds of adultery. As I said, punishing my wife would be reacting from a broken heart, doesn't serve me.

The OM in my sitch is a family friend. His wife left him for her boss about three months ago. The OM was at S1 bday party just 60 days ago. His family and my in-laws have been very close for 30 years... My stbxw took me and S1/4 to his apartment to play with his two girls just one week before BD...His parents were at my wedding...

In therapy with stbxw I owned up to any and all issues, wanted to walk through the fire together to fix them, she just doesn't want to.

I tried bringing up boundaries for the first time today bc of the holidays... Didn't go well. Told me I don't get to ask her questions anymore, she can and is going to do whatever she wants.

Just came back from a quick run to a list of mediators and our wedding pics taken down in the bedroom... Merry Christmas, haha

[CaliGuy]

MVG

Well .. as most this place here while has been a Godsend .. its not a place you want to see new members if you know what I mean... but we all are here because we have had our bell rung and looking for help.

Good news .. you found this place fast, thats huge .. took me what .. 7-8 months after BD and let me tell you .. I am in a 180 of where I was .. key term I .. not my R .. me .. I found a place where I am at peace and thats all I can control ... if you learn anything from your stay here ... control you, thats all you can possibly do at this moment.

Holidays are going to be rough .. like you my BD was about the same time last year .. I get where you are, bell rung, in denial .. this must be a bad dream ... all that. Do what you can to enjoy the holidays.

First things first ... its time you let her do her selfish thing .. her choice not yours .. this is your chance to focus on yourself and the R with your kids. THATS all that matters at this point. Like Rzr said .. read/follow the 37 and then start working on the Trifecta .. GAL/PMA/180 ... do these things for YOU not to win her back .. she is gone at the moment, let her go and explore as you become a better father and man.

[mvg]

Thanks everyone for the feedback, as you all know it's greatly appreciated. With regards to her being gone for the "moment", despite reading everyone's stories, I don't think for a second she's ever coming back... Knowing that is making this easier in a way. It helps knowing that I'm focusing on my boys and myself for the right reasons.

My parents divorced when I was three, it was ugly for 30 years. I want no part of a messy D, but since she has a lawyer on retainer and they've already started the process, I want this over fast. I am having a hard time with the OM and am confident that with the physical distance a D brings, I'll at least be on the right path to healing.

Look, I don't want any of this. However, once a judge orders a death sentence, nobody wants to live with their executioner... If that makes any sense...

My stbxw started moving on months, maybe years ago, I want to get started too. I'm not talking about dating, just getting used to my new life with my boys.

[UpperCu]

How was your Christmas mvg?

[mvg]

Thanks for checking in, I appreciate it. I think I'm still on moderation, so if my replies seem a bit out of order, I think that's why.

Christmas so far has been a nightmare, "Caught" my wife on the phone with OM out in our car at 1am on Christmas morning. I know, can't change it, but holy crap it hurts to watch. We had two huge family parties, traditions since before I was born and always my favorite night of the year. This year, well obviously they were rough to say the least. Nobody aside from our parents know anything yet, so had to put a game face on not only for the boys but for 100+ family members. Ugh...

My wife has her big annual friend Christmas party tomorrow night and she's going alone. I'm dreading this. She is so beautiful and always gets done up for these. I know that sounds a bit superficial but I'm still very much in love with her and it's very hard to watch. She seems so happy right now.

I'm having a great time watching my boys play together and with their gifts from Santa. Time to go make them a huge breakfast, wife is still asleep so I can get some good time in with them.

As far as GAL and PMA, I made a list last night (went to bed alone on Christmas for the first time in 12 years) of everything to look forward to in 2015. Made me feel better for a while so I'll keep looking at it

[TenBook]

MVG.

I am sorry to hear about your situation, believe me, we are going through this as well. Confusion, pain.

Just to echo, GAL and 180. Pleading, threatening, won't do a thing.