Card29 VIII

[Old Dog]

FOR NOW, back the heck off. Seriously. And the only way to do that successfully is to detach

and the only way I know how to detach is to GAL ... for real ...

Back off, and trust this process ...

I think I need to tattoo this somewhere. For the moment I'll just copy it to my thread.

[Mozza]

Card29 - I though of you when I read this post by Pink17. I know you struggle with not pursuing, you feel you have to be super-nice, apologize, ask your W if she needs help, follow up with a "I had a good time" text, etc.

This is what "not pursuing" looks like. And it seems to work.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2520244#Post2520244

[Card29]

Thanks for sharing that. And thank you for thinking of me. There is so much to learn from in that story. I also found it amusing that Pink's H's OW is in Paris. That is where my W was when she decided to leave me. City of Romance my ***!!! lol

I have felt amazing for about 2 days now, ever since I had that talk with WAW on Christmas eve night and then had a huge cry on my aunt's shoulder. I think I have been resisting the acceptance stage of grief for a long time, and now I am really, truly letting go and accepting what is happening. It doesn't mean I've shut the door. I am not even thinking about hope. I am just living, continuing to work on myself. And this time there is no doubt that the work is for me, my future, and D2.

There has also been a development. My sister (not the one that has been acting crazy) is trying to set me up with her best friend. She recently broke up with her BF of 5 years because he couldn't commit to M. My sis knows I'm in no hurry (heck, I'm still married). Her friend is only one week removed from that R and doesnt seem to be in any place to start another serious R. I told my sister that of course I'm interested in a possibility there, but Im not pursuing anything at the moment. But it has been tempting to think about. She is very special, and there must be something wrong with her xBF for not committing to her. I talked to sis about that on Christmas day, and I found it interesting but was prepared to table it for some time down the road, if it ever came up again. Dot dot dot...

So yesterday, my S and BIL say they're going to go hang out after dinner, if I wanted to join. Sure! They were going bowling. So we make plans. Last minute, I find out she also invited her best friend. It was just my sister, my BIL, sister's best friend, and me. What is this, a double date? I was a little uncomfortable, and very nervous. On one hand, I am still married, even though I expect D papers to be filed any day now. On the other, if I did have to move on to someone new someday, I honestly don't think I could pick a better woman. So I didn't want to screw up a "first date", you know? It wasnt a date, but it kind of felt like it.

We had fun, we ended up getting drunk at a bar and dancing for several hours. Nothing happened physically between me and the friend, although we did dance some (fun dancing, not really physical dancing). Out of nowhere towards the end of the night, she drunkenly told me she didn't see us together. I just said okay, even though I had never mentioned a word of anything like that to her. Sis must have been in her ear! So I let it go and moved on with the night. At the end of the night, after her friend passed out back at our house, I told sis what she told me (sis is hoping for this thing to work out more than anyone). She said, "she was drunk, and she just broke up with her BF. She's already rejected 3 dates. She just needs some time." I let it go and enjoyed the remainder of my night hanging out with BIL.

This morning, apparently my sister told her friend what she (friend) told me last night. The friend approached me this morning and said she didn't mean it, but right now she doesn't see being with anyone ever again (that's the pain talking).

So that's that whole weird sitch that happened yesterday. I really didn't pursue any of that. I did have fun. It did convince me that I will be fine regardless of what happens with WAW, this friend, or anyone else.

[Card29]

Well Im expecting that the D process will begin sometime in the next couple of weeks. I'm obviously not happy to be officially entering a D, but I am still feeling pretty decent. I really do think I pre-processed a lot more than I thought. Once I accepted what was happening, it only took 2-3 days of hardcore grieving to feel how I do now, which is happier and more peaceful than at any other time post-BD.

Here is a question: what is the opinion of a FB announcement? I'd say 90% of my friends and distant family know about my sitch now. Ive never put anything on there about this. Should I just let people continue finding of naturally? If I did post, how might that be worded? I was thinking about that but it gets tricky. I don't want to place blame, but I also don't want to act like it's mutual. That makes me lean towards not posting.

[T384]

I am against posting anything on Facebook. I felt the people in my life closest to me would find out and anyone else didn't really matter. I would stay away from going that route.

[Card29]

That is the direction I'm leaning. I think everyone that really needs to know knows by now. I had one final "reveal" to some extended family at Christmas. Whatever people in that branch of my family that weren't there will surely learn by word of mouth now.

[Little]

I post on FB against vet advice. I don't feel like emotion is a bad thing, and I don't give a fig what gets back to BF. I'm an open person by nature and it's not something I feel needs to change.

That said, I limit what I say to whom. I have a close trusted friend's filter, that I whine to when my PMA is low, and everyone else (including mutual friends) get the general updates and the "I so liked my old life, but I'm also happy with where I landed" posts.

BF has me blocked on FB anyway, and for now I blocked all the mutual friends that might post info I can't handle. I saw pics not too far back and my emotional reaction wasn't pretty.

That's my two cents.

[25yearsmlc]

Little, if it worked for you, well, that's fine. Not sure that "not" posting would have hurt you an iota, either.

For me, it's seems like by posting it, I'd make a very private, sometimes evolving matter, much more public than needed.

In some cases, maybe it even cements things.

And for sure it has often looked like an advertisement that say "Hey, I'm NOW available!!"

For instance, An old boyfriend of mine posted on FB and then called me to tell me his wife and he were getting a divorce and he "wanted [me] to know from [him] before I heard it elsewhere..." (???)

That's sort of hilarious. I mean, I have NOT kept in touch with him for 25+ years...
Nor would ANY of my friends pick up the phone to say "guess who is now ready to date??" We had fallen out of touch long ago. To me, his comments were needy and sad and very obvious. (For the record, I referred him HERE to DB land and I know he at least read the first chapter).


IF you, Card, feel the "need" to post on FB, what is it you'd say, and why? I mean, really ask yourself why.

And what's wrong with just removing the marital status altogether?
Is it my imagination or do you feel the need to be IN a relationship soon, with anyone?

I cannot help but feel a sense of urgency in you that I don't think is very reflective or helpful, in the long run. Though I concede that in the short run, it sure can feel good.

Good luck!

[Card29]

As far as FB (which I'm leaning towards not doing), I would not intend it to be an "available" sign in any respect. I just wanted to avoid any further confusion, especially with some of my out-of-town friends with whom I haven't been very close in 2-3 years. I guess the root of my motivation was this: I feared them seeing something in the coming months IF I'm in a new R, and them just wondering "wtf?"

I could go through my FB friends list and there is not a single available woman on it that would interest me. I'm not looking for the first R I can find (I'm not really looking for one at all). It sounds exhausting right now lol. I wasn't even thinking about it until this thing with my sister's friend popped up. But I've been tempted to dream not just because she is the exact type of woman I would like to meet someday, but because she's best friends with my sister, who I'm very close to. I've also been developing a much closer relationship with my BIL, who is also good friends with this girl. So I can't help but imagine what kind of dynamic our family could have if it actually worked out. My entire family already loves her. Our personalities mesh really well. My sister told me that back when news of my sitch with WAW first broke, over the summer, before anyone ever knew there was a problem with her friend's R, our mom, BIL's mom, some of her other friends and my grandmother all said something to the effect of, "I wish Card and BFF could be together. They are perfect." This really surprised me because I've never really hung out with her, definitely never flirted with her or anything like that. I've just exchanged small talk with her at family gatherings. But the people that new both of us could see what I'm seeing now, how similar we are (personalities, dreams, beliefs).

I'd never given her a second's thought until 4 days ago when S told me everything about her and what happened in her sitch. So I'm a little anxious about her, for several reasons, as far as I can tell:

- I believe I could mesh with many different personality types, but hers is the most natural for me. It's what I thought of when I was just daydreaming one day over the fall.

- Okay, I could find her personality, beliefs, etc. any time in the future. Right. But she's my close S's best friend, and IF it worked out, it could be really amazing. They already refer to each other as "sisters separated at birth". It's not a requirement for me to be joyful, but I'll never find this characteristic in another woman, one who is already practically part of our family.

- She already knows and LOVES D2. I'd never really paid attention before, but every time we've been around her, she sits down with D2 and plays with her. She wants more kids of her own (and so do I, ideally), but I feel like she would welcome being more than just a step-mom to D2. She would embrace her, which is something I fear a future new W might not do.

- She is already being courted by a handful of guys. I have not pursued her for one second, to this point. But she is definitely a "catch", so I kind of feel anxious that she could be gone before I ever had a shot. (Meanwhile, my brain knows she's even further from being ready for another serious R than I am, since I've been processing this for 5-6 months while she's barely a week removed from the end of a 5-year R).

- She knows my sitch, and given that, two interesting things happened Friday night: She told me that WAW is crazy, and she flirted with me a lot (even though she also told me she didn't see us together). Keep in mind, she started the night tipsy, was quickly downgraded to drunk, and ended the night passed out. Plus it was probably the first night since she ended her R that she had some fun. So I'm not putting too much stock into the flirting OR the "rejection". But given that, we had a LOT of fun Friday night, even though she doesn't remember much of it. I have been so hurt for so long, and for one night, I was swept up. Thankfully nothing besides dancing and laughing happened, but it was the most fun I've had since BD, not even close.

- I'm guessing some of these emotions are a typical "rebound". I can see a possible R with a great candidate, and it feels good. I'm not a (complete) fool lol. I know I'm not in the smartest state of mind. I'm sure if I give it a few weeks, I could approach it from a more cerebral viewpoint. I had some butterflies for my salsa dance instructor for a couple of weeks in Sept. I left those alone, and now I just laugh at myself about it.


So there you go, 25yearsmlc. There is the current state of my heart on a silver platter! Dissect away, please

For the record, here is my current "plan" regarding these topics:

- Not posting anything to FB. Won't even consider it again until D is finalized. Does a relationship status change show up in your news feed?

- Not pursuing or contacting S's friend until my heart calms down (few weeks? few months?) and I see what is really going down with WAW. But the D is so eminent that I could be served papers right now and I don't think my emotion would change at all. I can't believe how different I feel after just 4 days from my last breakdown.

[uRworthy]

Ok, Card, I am a straight shooter so here are my thoughts. Please take them with the mindset that I care about you.

As far as facebook..Im thinking that if there are out of town friends who you havent been close to in 2 or 3 years and they arent in touch with you to know, I wouldnt be worried about them.

For me, the people who mattered in my life, knew what was going on as much as I told them. Anyone else, would find out when they did.

I dont really like having my life play out on FB, but, that's just me.

I think you want to set the record straight.

So, here's my question to you. Who does Card want to be?

As far as your sister's friend. I am confused. You were pretty raw the other day about your marriage.

In fairness to yourself and to anyone else, you need to finish your stuff, mourn the end of your marriage and figure yourself out before you should even think about another relationship.

I feel that people should be alone in order to do that. Be good with yourself. Find happiness within. People should enhance our joy not define it.

Something else to think about. If you do eventually see this woman..every argument, everything that happens within the relationship, could potentially be shared with your sister and effect the friendship in some way.

Card, get through this. Find you. Let your life unfold as it is supposed to. Plenty of time for all of that.

It matters that you stood. It matters that you become your best self.

If it is meant to be, it will be.