2. 48-72 hour rule. Going to wait for 48-72 hours before bringing up anything that's angering me. And even then, I will evaluate if it's worth bringing up and potentially fighting over.
3. Stop trying to fix things. Unless specifically asked for advice, I'm staying the hell out of it. In the past I've felt the need to fix things for people and then I resented it later, because I felt they should be able to fix their own problems. Have already started this, especially with SIL's recent bomb drop in her own M. I'm itching to give her advice, to help her from going down the path of self destruction - but she hasn't asked, and it's not my business. Besides, trying to fix people or things is a) impossible and b) prevents people from learning about themselves.
4. STFU. Even more.
5. Listen more. Argue less. Stop saying everything that crosses my mind. If I feel so strongly that my opinion needs to be heard, wait 48-72 hours.
6. Stop controlling anything that isn't my self or my dog(s). I need to stay in my own lane and worry about myself. Unless someone else's actions are compromising my safety, my morals or my dignity - it's their path to walk.
7. Respect H's choices, even if I don't understand them.
8. Let it go. The thing that happened 18 years ago is not worth the haggard look on my face. If I can't let it go, I need to have a calm, and rational discussion about my feelings and then let it go. I am responsible for my own serenity and feelings. No one else is.
9. Validate other people and their feelings. Give praise. Have productive conversations.
10. Control thy temper. My boss and I have a joke at work, when someone emails us and annoyed us, we usually ignore it until we "can respond professional to their question." If I'm in a bad mood, I need to either hide out until it passes, or avoid conversations until I can, "respond professionally."
11. Learn to communicate better.
I still have a few others that I'm mulling over, but that's where I'm at so far.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
12. I have to stop being so negative about everything in my life. I've gotten some positive signs from H in the last 72 hours, and instead of acknowledging that there's some positivity, I feel, and currently do feel that I'm dead. Our R is dead. that there's no coming back from where we are.
13. Stop being hyper critical. Just Stfu. Seriously.
Last edited by Calibri; 12/26/1411:24 PM.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Hi Calibri. Consider a book called "The Self Esteem Guided Journal". It contains interesting exercises on positivity and withholding judgement that I found very useful.
Hey C, hope you had a Merry Christmas, in spite of all this stuff.
Originally Posted By: Calibri
7. Respect H's choices, even if I don't understand them.
Can I just suggest..."Respect H's choices, even if I don't understand them, OR AGREE WITH THEM?"
Probably implied already, but something that you, we, have struggled with is just how you don't necessarily agree with WHY H is doing something and it's not how YOU would do it. But that doesn't mean its wrong. We are not here to judge him/her, even if we don't agree with it because sometimes it might be the right choice for them, or heck it might even be the wrong one but were not here to stand in there way, but to stand beside them.
Hey thats a pretty good line, that last one, i might need to tell myself that more often.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
The longer this plays out, the more and more I realize that this isn't all about me. H has said for a solid month that all the blame he threw at me when he left, that he didn't mean and was speaking out of anger, and has been apologizing all over himself (via text message) about the spew. We aren't talking on the phone, but he's been trying to do a phone call for three weeks.
I do feel, however, that 50% of what he said had merit. Those are things I'm working on. There are others, that I scratch my head with and have no idea. I do feel, that sometimes, anger holds truths for people.
Anyway, it's becoming evident that there's a lot of issues. Some with me, some with our R, some with his parents, a lot with himself.
But, the anger. The anger is still there. And I'm getting the brunt off it. He's a loose cannon. I can't tell via text when he's pissed off because his texting becomes erratic and I try to end my end of the convo quickly. He keeps wondering why I'm triggering his anger. I can't help but wonder if it's because I'm the only person he's having genuine conversations with.
But where I feel the cards are stacked against me:
H feels like I'm triggering his anger. Maybe so, maybe not. He's in a place where he feels he can't control his emotions or his anger and thus, finds it hard to even conceive a R, because of his current situation. I asked, out of curiosity, if his IC was working with him to manage and work through the feelings. Apparently they're only focusing on identifying why. Which makes sense, but I wish, for H's sake that he had some tools that would make him feel more in control. But, that's not my journey to take.
H feels that if he could get ever get his anger under control, he would still have to learn how to communicate - and that to him is a daunting task.
H feels that he's being verbally abusive towards me and is very upset with himself because his actions very early in BD made me feel unsafe. I no longer feel that way now, but H has taken this to heart and feels he has to put distance between us. He told me that all he wants is for me to be "happy and safe."
I admire him, for having the honesty to say everything that he's said and to show vulnerability. But, I can't help but wonder if he's going to convince himself that the situation is insurmountable and will do the noble thing and "let me go to protect me." Do I feel he's being verbally abusive? Not any more. Do I fear for my safety? No.
But obviously, there's something within him that makes him worry. I asked him, if he felt that a situation would escalate to a physical altercation, and he said no. But that he didn't want to even put us in a situation where it could happen, because he could never live with himself if he were to harm me.
What I get from all of this? And maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, but I do think that he loves me. I think that he deeply loves me, but is deeply confused and conflicted. This has evolved from - everything is your fault to, everything is not your fault but you piss me off to, why the hell am I so pissed off?
And while, I have to admit that it's nice to no longer be seen as the big bad wolf. I can't help but think that now that the house has been blown down, there won't be anything to rebuild.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
The funny thing about boundaries, I didn't realize that they went much deeper than, "I will not carry on a conversation with you while you are angry."
So, something to discuss in IC. And read more about
While reading about boundaries, I came across something that stuck with me. I cannot and will not (and should not) accept responsibilities for H's anger. My words or actions may trigger something in him, but he chooses to react in anger. Basically, while I can and will own up to accept responsibilities for my words and actions, he needs to do the same. But how he chooses to express himself via his words and his actions? All on him.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
C, how are things between you and H? Are your interactions continuing to get better? Last thing you wrote was that you and H had a positive convo and he wanted more of it. Sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking about yourself and you truly understand how your H feels about a lot of things.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
