Maybell, you had a big day yesterday. I hope you can just rest today.
Put the Budda thing in the Goodwill pile. If it's from one of your kids then give him a hug and tell him you took it to the office. And please go buy yourself what you want.
What happens if you ask your H for help? Yesterday after dinner H disappeared to the recliner but he came back and helped clean up when I asked him to.
The big red flag for me in your post was the declining financial position. If that's true, get out now. File today.
I have to agree with rpp - I don't like the sound of the financials at all. It's very expensive to maintain two households and your H sounds like his own establishment is at a pretty high level. It's only worked in my sitch because the OW is subsidizing STBX. If he was living on his own it would have to be in dramatically reduced circumstances.
I'm sorry your day yesterday was wearing. I understand being frustrated that he didn't help kids acknoweldge the day for you. Getting something for my parents was a huge part of the day for me when I was a kid.
I know you were planning on seeing a new IC - maybe they can help you with strategies to deal with your parents. YOu should feel very good that your daughter is able to see how inappropriate their behavior is at such a young age She must have a great mom!
Yes, holidays really stretch our emotional limits. Sometimes we put So.Much.Weight onto these days...
You've had a tough few days. I'm so sorry for that exchange with your mom.
I have to second rppfl's thought about asking for help. My mom is a notorious martyr-- never asks for help, but then expects everyone to magically know what she needs help with, and then gets so passive aggressive when my dad doesn't help.
Some people are really good at jumping in to help; I'm not, but I've learned to at least ask to help. But I'll be honest about myself-- sometimes I feel like I'm all thumbs when I try to help in someone else's house. I've dropped food on people while trying to help serve... I've dropped dishes while trying to help clear the table... I've messed up in other ways! I'm always embarrassed by that and therefore sometimes hesitant to offer to help.
Not sure if there will be opportunities with your H, but certainly opportunities to teach your kids, if they don't yet have those habits, and most likely there will be opportunities in your next R, whoever that will be with, to be more assertive in this area. What do you think?
Took the kids for a long walk. Took them to see a movie. Now they're playing Legos and will be leaving for H's place in an hour or so.
"Cheese. Hats. Boxes. Those things don't make you you. YOU make you you."
It really made me see how my choices can make me.
This has been hanging on the wall of my home office for several years:
"Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST."
What I want MOST is to be a kind, loving person who never treats anyone the way my mother has treated me for the last several months. Who is as lovely, kind, smart, and competent as people seem to think I am. Who becomes adventurous, frugal, confident, and self-sufficient.
Throwing myself on the railroad tracks of a cr@ppy marriage because I chose poorly 18 years ago and didn't have the nerve to face it sooner is not good discipline.
I'm having kind of a rough day. I don't want to change my direction; I think I'm right in how I've aimed myself. But I wish my circumstances were different and that my H was the person I thought he was. I really don't think he is.
Heading for the lighthouse. Sad and scared, but heading for the lighthouse anyway. I hope he finds happiness.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Claire, I ask for help when I need it. I've been doing a lot of asking in the last year. This is not an area where I need to be more assertive. The only times he ever bought me flowers was when I said I needed more help and that i couldn't do it all by myself. He'd buy me flowers and do better for about a week and then give up on everything again.
My H is a taker. He also went a LONG time demonstrating his lack of respect for me. Like, if it was his turn to wash the dishes and the dishwasher was running, he'd just stack them on the counter and refuse to do it. Like, he could be sitting there next to me with the bed covered with laundry to be folded and he'd wait to go to bed so I could fold it all by myself. If I gave him his own clothes to fold he'd just lay it on the dresser or on the floor and not do it. We had a cat so leaving it out for the cat to nest in was a bad option.
The only gap left by his leaving was taking out the trash and doing the finances. He's still doing the finances (which I'm hoping to take over at least halfway once I get this separation dealt with) and S8 has taken over the trash. EVERYTHING ELSE is the same.
I used to value him. I used to miss him and wish to figure out how to be closer to him. Now I see this guy who idolizes Walter White and Saul from Breaking Bad and I see his Tinder profile and the texts he sent to OW and I remember how he says he liked being "flirty" (explicit) with her and that he couldn't be "flirty" with me -- as if he'd ever tried -- and I think, WTH? He doesn't know me at all. He completely abandoned me emotionally and he blames me for the lack of passion?
I think I'm just sad at being so stupid. I wish this day were over.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
How could I have handed him so many different ways to hurt me after BD? Why didn't I pick up my dignity and tell him to treat me right or get out? When I look back now at all the things I let him say to me without protest, things that were incredibly cruel and unfair, and I let them pass just because he said them calmly... I want to kick myself. How could I have let him treat me that way?
I'm cycling back through hurting from those things. Hurting from how my mom has treated me and from the completeness of my knowledge that she and my dad never really liked me for who I am. Also seeing that I do put up shields in certain places and I can see people reacting when they bounce into them sometimes (including a little bit with H yesterday and today when he picked up the kids just now, but he doesn't deserve for me to lower them) and it feels almost impossible that I can ever be ok with keep them lower.
I don't think I'm really so difficult to love that I deserve the three people who are supposed to love me most in the whole world to turn against me this way. I don't think it's really on me. So why is this my life? Or is it really on me? If I were easier to love would I be loved more by the people who promised they did?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm going to close on a hopeful note and try not to come back here again today.
The sermon where my pastor told me "You are enough" went like this:
The parable of the wise and foolish virgins, the wise ones being the ones who had brought extra oil to light the way of the bridegroom into the wedding, and the foolish ones who didn't. The bridegroom was delayed and everyone fell asleep waiting for him, so by the time his arrival was announced the oil in the lamps was running low. The foolish virgins begged the wise ones to give them some of their oil but the wise ones said, no, then there won't be enough for any of us. Go out and buy more.
The foolish virgins went out and tried to buy more oil, but by the time they got some the bridegroom had arrived and the gate was shut and he wouldn't let them in.
The moral of the story has always been taken to mean, be prepared, but my pastor said that was a pretty trite lesson to be handed down for 2000 years. She suggested that the bridegroom had closed the doors on the foolish virgins because instead of trusting that it was their presence that was required more than the service of the lamp bearing they had let themselves be distracted from the essential task at hand -- seeing in the bridegroom -- by the trappings of their service -- having more oil in the lamps.
She said that if they had had more confidence in their personal importance (in the sermon, to God) that they would have enjoyed the wedding party and not been shut out.
"I am enough" is a powerful statement, she said. It's humble -- because it recognizes that we could be more, and would like to be more. It recognizes that we are given everything we need to satisfy God, and that when we are with people who truly care about us, we are enough to satisfy them too, even if we don't have enough oil in our lamps. Showing up in love is what is called for. We don't have to be anything particular -- not dressed in a fancy dress, not skinnier or smarter or prettier or more giving -- we just have to be honestly and truly willing to be the best we can be in any given circumstance.
I am enough.
I think I'm going down to that church on Sunday morning.
Happy Boxing Day, friends, and tomorrow is a better day.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
That is a wonderful message. I am enough! And so are you!
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
You are more than enough, i know lots of people who would agree with me.
I'm sorry I've missed the mark with you lately...especially on my latest post. Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you a peaceful start to the new year.
