New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

My buddy heard an interview on NPR that he told me about.

NPR was interviewing a specialist in relationships. The specialist stated at some point in everyone's lives they will be wholeheartedly convinced a divorce is the only way. What they need to come to terms with is that they could be wrong. People convince themselves by turning feelings into thoughts. Feelings are feelings, they are not thoughts. Thoughts can be rationalized and accepted as the truth after thinking about it. The problem here is when people skip steps. They accept feelings as the truth, and therefore no longer keep them in check.

Thought it was interesting.

[lnlyshp]

That is very interesting. I wish I could listen to that interview (or rather, that my W would!) I've always thought that unless there is abuse, drugs or something extreme in the relationship that it could always be repaired or rebuilt. Hope that is true for both of our situations, mahhhhty

[mahhhty]

Rough couple of days. My birthday is tomorrow. First one in 9 years that she won't be involved in. We have been going back and forth with Child Support. I feel like I'm being flexible. She feels like I'm not being flexible enough. I feel like a bank. Even her mom chewed me out today and told me that she won't let her daughter hit rock bottom. I feel bad that the STBX is hitting the bottom. I couldn't say anything previously to get her to stay, I have to come to terms with the idea that I can't say anything to change her mind or make her see anything.

I think I am trying to hard. I need to detach.

If we got the lawyers involved I would be detached. But what about the cost due to the adversarial relationship. Would it cause too much pain to every overcome?

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Rough couple of days. My birthday is tomorrow. First one in 9 years that she won't be involved in. We have been going back and forth with Child Support. I feel like I'm being flexible. She feels like I'm not being flexible enough. I feel like a bank. Even her mom chewed me out today and told me that she won't let her daughter hit rock bottom. I feel bad that the STBX is hitting the bottom. I couldn't say anything previously to get her to stay, I have to come to terms with the idea that I can't say anything to change her mind or make her see anything.

I think I am trying to hard. I need to detach.

If we got the lawyers involved I would be detached. But what about the cost due to the adversarial relationship. Would it cause too much pain to every overcome?

It's LESS adversarial to some extent because your objective disinterested attorney is doing the hardcore negotiating versus you personally. The bonus is if they get upset you just blame your attorney. "It's not me...it's her/him". PLUS, you'll know it's a reasonable fair deal. In the end, it likely won't cost YOU more money to use an attorney. Just her ...since she can't rip you off.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

In Jan 2014, I approached her noticing that things were different and not in a good way. She identified to me that “she wasn’t happy.” She told me she wanted to discuss things with her Dad (her rock and a good listener). I tried to be supportive not fully understanding what was going on and carved out time so they could go snowboarding together. Time went by. I found out this fall that she didn’t talk with her Father until June.

Are you SURE her father went??? This sounds like a wayward spouse lie. If you know for certain her dad was there, would her dad cover for her? Did she spend a lot of time NOT with her dad? Were you able to reach her consistently?? Did she happen to coincidentally run into someone she knew from high school, college or work???

The trips purpose was to talk to dad and she didn't....so what was the REAL purpose???

I just hate seeing you negotiate a divorce with a terrorist that is likely lying to you AND trying to rob the family's bank as well. If she's wayward your children your protection from her and the OM. They need more time (and custody) with you the sane parent committed to their happiness and you should be fighting for HER to pay you alimony and/or child support while she pursues her wayward lifestyle.

I keep checking back in for the time bomb post telling me I was right OR wrong but closing your eyes and ears from the truth while negotiating your own divorce is just so devastating when you finally discover she lied to you this whole time and OM moves into your home with your wife, children and your child support.

[mahhhty]

Thanks Bulldogs. I am on the brink. I do know her father went on those trips, but I do wonder if there is someone else.

[mahhhty]

Merry Christmas Fellow DB-ers. I wish you all the best reaching your goals!

[mahhhty]

I haven't journal-ed on here in awhile.... Here is the update... My birthday was a week ago tomorrow. I barely got a happy birthday from her. She did get two presents from our kids for me, a $10 tin of assorted popcorn and a movie. Not exactly, what I have been used to in the past.

In the past couple days she reneged our agreement for Christmas Eve and Christmas. She was supposed to come to the house for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but she slipped out of both of those behind an argument that it would be too confusing for the kids. I maintained my cool and responded via text with "I think everyone has some level of confusion with this. We will have to live and learn. It is Christmas, and the kids would want u there (my house, or old home), and therefore I would like u there for them. The kids are resilient. We can explain it to them. However if this isn't something u want or are willing to handle, let me know." She never responded.

However, tonight she did respond back after some logistics posts asking me to go to her parents to see my nieces. This is something we had decided a few weeks ago was not acceptable (she was feeling like an outsider in her own family, and hasn't been receiving support from them), so I have tried to distance myself. And therefore, respectfully decline the invitation.

This part is my real DILEMMA... I have read DB and DR, I have read 5 other books about relationships and communicating. I even read one about divorce. I have had 7 DB coach sessions with an amazing mentor, as well as 8 IC sessions. I stopped drinking for a month, to get my mind right, and I've worked out almost every other day since the beginning of November. I lost 2 inches on my waist, gained some definition and I'm almost to a 6 pack. I've stopped being a YES MAN at work and have put the kids first and foremost, and I truly have become a better more active father. On top of that I'm reconnecting family, friends and with myself and doing more of what makes me happy.

BUT as I go down this path. Two things really bother me. Most people I have spoken with about my changes and my future don't believe it is possible to reconcile things with her. They do not see the possibility, which bothers me.

Also, as I go through this process, I get angry that there wasn't an ultimatum moment. She didn't even want to speak with a therapist at any point. She degraded their position, saying things like "I don't believe in it," or "why do you need someone else in the room to hear what I am saying to you." The irony here is that in our State it is required to do a Child Impact Seminar which is run by a therapist. Months ago when she took the course, she called me after stating that the course was helpful. Here is the woman who doesn't believe in therapists telling me a therapist is helpful, only b/c it now suits her purpose.

[Mozza]

I know it's bothersome that your friends don't see reconciliation as possible. MWD reminds us that it's a personal decision. If you still have hope, stop seeking validation with them. Make it your own. Know also that it's natural for your friends to want to spare you the hurt of unmet expectations. Don't be upset at them. They won't live with the consequences so they go for the quick fix.

I forget: is there an OM? WAS who are in a rush often have something lined up, which would explain the lack of ultimatum. This being said, you'll have to explore further to know if there was one. I said there wasn't for months until I found the smoking gun: an email telling her she's like to find a way to take a break. My brain had erased that memory even though it was recent. It might happen to you.

You should be happy with your changes. I'm impressed. I'm sure your friends are too. Now your task is to integrate them in your lifestyle for yourself, not for your W. As long as you think: "She should come back because I made all these changes", it's not changes that will remain once she's back. It has to become you, not just the BDing you. If you knew today she's never come back, would you continue your changes? Detach until you can say yes.

[mvg]

Mahhty,

We're unfortunately living parallel lives. 31 days ago I was a happily married man and today, waiting to be served as she's got a lawyer already for the D. I'd have to agree about the OM. When I checked in with my wife a month ago, she just "needed to be alone." A week later that was "I need to date other guys." A week later? " I have feelings for him, we've kissed and I haven't love you for 12 years."

This information hasn't done me any good, especially living in a no fault divorce state. I expect to be divorced within 60 days...I wish I never knew about OM. Just my .02

You're not alone, this is the worst pain imaginable. Hope to hear that you're doing well with your kids. That's all any of us really have right?

Happy holidays and keep going.