Claire -- still here #11...

[Maybell]

You know, two years ago, I didn't have the energy to open the cards either, and that was before OW even started. I think I knew things were on a thread even then. Last year I was in full rescue mode and heroically made GORGEOUS cards, photo plates for MIL and FIL (which I never even saw; D11 told me this summer they look great) and a year-in-review Shutterfly book AND one of the history of H and I. This year, I'm all crickets.

I think after this year I'd like to rethink my holiday expectations. Less stuff, more life. Less pressure to do great cards and more mindfulness in letting the people I care about know how much they matter. All the effort I mustered last year amounted to tears and exhaustion on one of my favorite holidays of the year. That's not what a holiday should be.

A few years ago when one of my friends was getting divorced, I told her I wanted to give her the gift of a family portrait of her and her kids to celebrate her revamped family. We spent a LOT of time moving her furniture around too. Things to think about.

[labug]

Labug:
Re childbirth: if I had to do it again there is so much I would do differently. And a Doula during and after birth would be at the top of my list, as would paying for a private room. I mean, the fact that we had so much else going on that was occupying our minds (home-buying, moving) should have made it a no Brainer.

There is so much I would do differently, but hindsight is 20/20.

This getting what we need, not just accepting wwhat we're handed is true of many areas in life.

There's usually always a different option and often a better option. We just have to know our needs and be willing to do some research.

Where we are now is a result of choices we've made all along the way.

We can start making better choices for ourselves. That's the beauty of this.

[Little]

Holidays were always "just another day" for me until I got together with BF. One of the huge things in our life when we first shacked up was how holidays would be full of joy and light again, now that I had someone to share it with.

Now it's back to "just another day", because OW is now going to BF's family for Christmas eve festivities and he'll be doing things with her and her daughter the day of.

Depressing.

[claire7]

Hi Maybell,

You make a great point about being in the moment of the holidays. Yes, the portraits would be for me and D, and maybe for my family.

I've been thinking a lot about your question about how I measure H's character. Your comment stung a lot at the time. And the obvious answer is of course there is more to his value as a person than whether he returns to our M.

But there are other, complicated sides to it. His choice to abandon the marriage without any REAL effort to improve it (he says he tried hard and did 'everything'-- but I'm sorry, that is just a load of BS)... that choice feels so incredibly selfish when I think about the pain that his choice has brought to so many of the people he cares about-- his D, his parents, his family and friends.

Some day I know I'll be past it. But I'm not there yet. I'm just not. Maybe it's because I don't feel very close to my family--though they are emotional terrorists to me-- and that I don't have a large group of very close friends (and right now during the holidays, most of the people I would want to spend time with are away, or spending time with their own families-- while H and my D are spending the next two days with his friends and their kids.

It's so incredibly hard right now to not have anger in my heart towards him for snatching a life away from me. I want to be a family. I don't want to be a part-time mom. I don't want to have to go over the calendar with my D and say, "You're going to spend the next two night with Daddy, and then after that two nights with Mommy".

FOR WHAT? Because he is too immature or emotionally stunted or weak to be willing to put in ANY effort to explore or change feelings about our M? Because he has this infantile idea that feelings can't change (well, I guess he believes they can only change in a negative direction), and that people can't change, and that you either love someone or you don't?

How do I not feel betrayed and angry about that?

I've had a couple of vivid dreams the past week where H and I ended up in a R discussion, and I was able to really articulate how this felt, and he was actually able to hear it and understand, and there was some hope that we'd be able to work on our R. And then I woke up and realized it was a dream, and felt hurt all over again.

How does a man of integrity do this to a family? Not just me-- his D, his parents, his family and friends. How does NONE of that impact encourage a person to be willing to choose to have some hope?

labug has asked me what my fear is. Maybe it's that I'll never trust someone again. I'd need to know that someone has a realistic expectation of what marriage and relationships are like-- and that someone would be willing to do the work. And I don't know how I would find that out before it's too late.

Maybe it's just because it's a holiday, maybe it's because it's raining out, but my heart is really hurting right now. I guess it helps to just share that. I don't really have anyone else to share it with. Sometimes I want to just let myself feel this hurt-- it is a legitimate hurt to have to miss out on huge chunks of your child's life, and to miss out on other relationships that came with the marriage. Right now I don't want someone telling me that I'll be ok. (I know I will). I just want someone to hug me and say, "I'm so so sorry you are going through this. I know it really [censored]."

I know I won't feel like this forever, I don't feel like this all the time, but I feel like this right now. And that's ok.

[SunnyB]

Claire, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it really sukks. It's OK to be sad, to feel betrayed, to be angry, to be afraid. I'd say it's even critical to feel all those emotions and understand where they came from and be able to process those feelings. And I know you'll move past them when the time is right. Hugs to you (((Claire)))

[Maybell]

But there are other, complicated sides to it. His choice to abandon the marriage without any REAL effort to improve it (he says he tried hard and did 'everything'-- but I'm sorry, that is just a load of BS)... that choice feels so incredibly selfish when I think about the pain that his choice has brought to so many of the people he cares about-- his D, his parents, his family and friends.

I like what Betsey says: her XH gave it his best effort. It was a lousy effort, but it was the best he had to give.

Happy holidays, dear. I hope you find peace and joy in the new year.

[claire7]

Thanks rpp and Maybell.

So, it's not that he lacks integrity, per se, it's just that he's kind of 'meh' as a person, in terms of the effort he is able to put forth into a marriage and family?

(though I think one could argue that [i]strength[\i] is part of integrity)...

Sounds like his dad.

So... I'm better off without him and there are still a few other men out there who do have more strength of character, and have more realistic expectations of relationships, and are not as afraid to express emotions or actually recognize that there are relationship skills that can be developed?

That's kind of what I've been thinking when I've seen him lately. I felt emotionally detached at our hand-off today. I'm not pining for him, because I don't see him as the great catch I used to. Yet, I'm still sad about this situation. Can I be detached from HIM, yet still be very sad about losing time with my D, and being pushed to the sidelines among his family and friends, and about not being part of an intact family? I think I can, today, for sure.

[SunnyB]

I like what Betsey says: her XH gave it his best effort. It was a lousy effort, but it was the best he had to give.

Claire, I know this is hard to understand, but there's some validity to what MB says here. From our viewpoint, they didn't try at all. From theirs, they did everything.

I dated a guy in college who just wasn't capable of loving anyone the way I wanted to be loved. He just couldn't. And I know he was trying, he was giving me his very best effort. I recognized it at the time. It still wasn't enough.

Maybe it's not that your H (and mine) didn't try. Maybe they just aren't capable.

[labug]

I agree. If that's his best effort, then it is.

And now you have more information.

His lack of what you need in a R says nothing about you but it is an opportunity to make different choices knowing what you know now.

Don't give anyone else responsibility for your happiness. You will never be truly happy doing that.

((( )))
You will be OK, even better than OK.

[Little]

FOR WHAT? Because he is too immature or emotionally stunted or weak to be willing to put in ANY effort to explore or change feelings about our M? Because he has this infantile idea that feelings can't change (well, I guess he believes they can only change in a negative direction), and that people can't change, and that you either love someone or you don't?

How do I not feel betrayed and angry about that?

You do feel betrayed and angry. It's normal and natural.You have to feel it to get past it.

But you can't change any of it.

Your H's actions are/were deplorable in terms of how one treats another human being. They were/are selfish, narcissistic, and frankly doing this to you and your kids proves he's probably an a$$hole.

Now what? What's next for Claire?

You cannot dwell on this forever. You cannot sit in this place of seething anger long term, because all you're doing is stymieing YOUR life and what you deserve.

HE doesn't give two chits; he's primordial ooze when it comes to other people's wants and needs and his only focus is on himself. He's going to be in WAS la-la land while you fester and seethe and miss out on your blessings (they're numerous if you open your eyes to count them).

It's like holding a burning rock and expecting someone else to get burned. But that's not how it works. YOU get burned, YOU get hurt even more and YOU are the one affected negatively.

This crap BLOWS. It hurts so freaking badly it hurts to breathe and existing is agony.

But you can stay there or you can say "F!@#$% YOU, H" and try to grab happiness in the little things (for now) and the bigger things when you're more healed.

Happiness is within YOU, not within your H. Take your power back. Explore what makes Claire smile.

((HUG))