Devastated Husband; Need Advice

[TLEE86]

I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I won't, do it anymore. What happened? Nothing too crazy but found out my W is now texting an old serious BF of hers. She hasn't talked to him since we've been married, and she mentioned last week that he wrote her out of the blue and that she "wasn't going to even really respond" but now she's texting him?

Do I think she's going to go back to him? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

But this just goes to show where her state of mind is. So Im going to either a)just ignore her until TBD...(not hard considering she's not very talkative this past week) or b) just lay it all out there and let her know I'm tired playing games while she's doing whatever she's doing

I can't deal with this woman anymore.

[Calibri]

I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I won't, do it anymore. What happened? Nothing too crazy but found out my W is now texting an old serious BF of hers. She hasn't talked to him since we've been married, and she mentioned last week that he wrote her out of the blue and that she "wasn't going to even really respond" but now she's texting him?

It seems like people always come out of the woodwork. So, let's look at the bright side -- she at least told you that she's talking to him and not hiding it.

But this just goes to show where her state of mind is.

What does it show? How are you interpreting it?

So Im going to either a)just ignore her until TBD...(not hard considering she's not very talkative this past week) or b) just lay it all out there and let her know I'm tired playing games while she's doing whatever she's doing

Ok. Imma tough love you real quick. Cause we're internet friends right? (Say right.) What does either action do for you? Because from my end, it looks like you're upset because she's not reacting the way YOU think she should act. Going dark is for you. It may get her attention, it may not. But it shouldn't be a means to punish her. It would be a time for you to regroup, think about things, and reach out at a point when you're more detached and more in control of your emotions. Because right now you are upset (and that's completely understandable) but do you really want to show anger in the situation, given your history with anger within your relationship?

Or you could tell her that you're tired of playing games. But to what end? I've told my H I was tired of his games, several times. And guess what -- his behavior hasn't changed. And it may or may not change her behavior. But looking at the bigger picture -- why do you think she's playing games? Or, why are you interpreting her actions as such?

I can't deal with this woman anymore.

Would you be this upset if she had started talking to someone she hadn't had a previous relationship?

Breathe.

Regroup.

Breathe.

[edz]

What calibri said ^^^^^^^^^

The only thing I would add is a reminder on the message believe nothing that's said and 50% ( or less) of what's done. Hold on mate

Edz

[TLEE86]

C, right

1. Yes I'm glad she told me that he fb'd her
2. What it shows is that I am even lower on her list of priorities. Just talked to my IC, and to sum up this whole situation basically her excuses saying that she's too busy at work to talk to me hurts me even more because now besides her roommate she's making her ex-boyfriend a priority over me because she's messaging him over me while she's at work.

I haven't heard from her all day and if I bring it up she's just gonna say she's busy but apparently not too busy to be talking to her roommate and her ex-boyfriend.

Now I'm not proud of how I found out she's texting him, yes I snooped and this is why you shouldn't do that.

My IC advised me to talk to my W about this because she is saying that I am building up so much anger and resentment towards her that it is affecting the way that I want to communicate with my W. Which makes sense because now I am so irritated I don't even want to talk to her anymore and when I do like yesterday I'm not as able to be upbeat or happy as much.

I asked my IC what good does it actually do to let my wife know how I feel about this and she said it really will just help you to get it off your chest so you don't have to shoulder this burden anymore and continue to build so much resentment that you just blow up at my wife one day and say things I don't mean.

This is where I told IC that I had a friend, that's you Calibri (cue the tears, sigh and smile), Who told her husband the same thing and there has not been very much change from him because at the end of the day you can't control the other person's feelings. But what I've just realized is that maybe it's not about whether or not it makes me feel better but whether or not it prevents me from blowing up at her and I really can't recover from that. C, I wonder if this is what happen in your situation to because giving your personality I can see you going up at your H and by getting it off your chest, it allowed you to continue to be patient. Basically, taking a small step back in order to continue moving forward rather than taking small steps forward and then doing something you can never recover from.

I think I'll bring it up to W. Thoughts? Anyone?

[Calibri]

2. What it shows is that I am even lower on her list of priorities.

Ok. I get this. Because I'm struggling with this as well. I was (for the most part) my H's number one priority in life. He always put my needs before his. Now that's happening and it hurts. ALOT. But, if I remember correctly - part of the reason W left, is because she based her happiness on you. In a way, I would interpret that as she prioritized you over herself. And it didn't work for her.

When a spouse walks away -- the relationship no longer becomes a priority for them. The LBS perhaps slips down on the list of priorities -- if they even remain on the list at all. It's hard, because we, as LBS, want to feel important. We're devestated, we want affirmations that we are loved, that things will work out, that we aren't the horrible people that our spouses's think or say we are. But, it's not the WAS responsibility to assure us, just like it's not our responsibility to fix the WAS's problems. We can only focus on ourselves and hope that they are doing the same.

Just talked to my IC, and to sum up this whole situation basically her excuses saying that she's too busy at work to talk to me hurts me even more because now besides her roommate she's making her ex-boyfriend a priority over me because she's messaging him over me while she's at work.

Good. I'm glad you are able to identify why you're upset. But, I'm going to put a different spin on it. Just something to think about. Have you thought that perhaps your W isn't talking to you because she's processing what's going on. She may be feeling guilt, or remorse, or sadness with her situation. She may be having a rough time being by herself at the holidays. She may be avoiding talking to you, because by talking to you she's reminded of your sitch. You're in Texas living in the house she picked out. You're continuing on with your life. She's (in some ways - and by her own choosing) left behind to process her feelings. She may just be shutting down to process it all. Just because she isn't talking to you, doesn't mean she isn't thinking about you.

I haven't heard from her all day and if I bring it up she's just gonna say she's busy but apparently not too busy to be talking to her roommate and her ex-boyfriend.

Then don't bring it up. It's a cheese less tunnel. Her choices are hers to make. What's she supposed to do, sit at home and not talk to her roommate because she's not talking to you? It's not an all or nothing situation here.

My IC advised me to talk to my W about this because she is saying that I am building up so much anger and resentment towards her that it is affecting the way that I want to communicate with my W. Which makes sense because now I am so irritated I don't even want to talk to her anymore and when I do like yesterday I'm not as able to be upbeat or happy as much.

You can talk to her - but are you prepared for the outcome if it doesn't change? You cannot control your wife's behavior. But you can control how you react to it.

I asked my IC what good does it actually do to let my wife know how I feel about this and she said it really will just help you to get it off your chest so you don't have to shoulder this burden anymore and continue to build so much resentment that you just blow up at my wife one day and say things I don't mean.

Is there another way you could get it off your chest without saying it to your W? I mean, you could tell her -- but I think it really needs to be a "one and done" situation. You can't keep telling her every time she doesn't talk to you that you're getting irritated. Because she will eventually get irritated as well and that leads to blow ups. Sometimes you need to have them, sometimes you don't.

This is where I told IC that I had a friend, that's you Calibri (cue the tears, sigh and smile),

Raising my glass in a salute to you dude!

But what I've just realized is that maybe it's not about whether or not it makes me feel better but whether or not it prevents me from blowing up at her and I really can't recover from that. C, I wonder if this is what happen in your situation to because giving your personality I can see you going up at your H and by getting it off your chest, it allowed you to continue to be patient. Basically, taking a small step back in order to continue moving forward rather than taking small steps forward and then doing something you can never recover from.

You've pegged me. But the problem that I have is, when I get it off my chest, I get EVERYTHING OFF MY CHEST. And it's usually not pretty. It does help with my patience, but I also believe it comes with a few steps back. I'm exploring different ways of getting things off my chest without expressing it directly to my H. Journaling. Running, Working out. Singing angry chick music at the top of my lungs, punctuated by bouts of profanity.


Only you know your W and how she will or will not react. I don't think I would talk to her yet about it, especially since you just had a talk with her a few days ago. It may come off as an attack. Or being controlling. Through this process, we have to accept that things are not going to go our way. That there are going to be things that test us. This is something that tests you. Challenge yourself to find a new way to get it off your chest, and out of your system, without immediately telling your W.

I'm telling you -- internet crossfit friend to another (and by no means am I anything like Camillie -- I wish.) that you and I are quite similar in our manners. And we also have sitch's that show hope and promise. We should be thankful that our WAS are talking to us, because we don't have the kid connection to keep dialogue open. We're sitting pretty compared to others. We need to breathe, regroup, breathe some more, lift some heavy [censored] and figure out ourselves -- and let our WAS's figure themselves out.

Merry Christmas -- do something fun, ok!

[TLEE86]

Ok So I ended up talking to my wife about how I felt because I was literally losing my patience and about to blow up at her.

I basically called her and told her that I know I'm not her #1 priority anymore but when she ignores my messages or respond to them hours later it just makes me wonder if she even wants me to be texting her at all (which she has always said yes, keep talking to me). I also told her that I felt like I was always walking on egg shells around her because it seems like some days she really wants me to talk to her and other days she seems to blow me off completely and I didn't like that feeling

Ironically she actually validated me and said that if that was happening to her she would feel pretty crappy too, and that yeah I was always number one on her list of priorities but now she's putting all her focus into work, but she said she would make more of an effort and try not to let that happen anymore. The rest of the conversation went well and ended on a high note. She actually texted me late last night and said thank you for telling me how you feel I will try to be more aware of what I'm doing

She actually is trying at least for now. She's called me twice today and I cut both conversations off after about 10 to 15 minutes, and she was very responsive while she was texting me at work. Part of me feels like I guilt tripped her into this or she feels obligated to but you know what, at the end of the day nobody is forcing her to try, so for now I'm at least happy that it seems like she is trying to respect what I said to her

I am fully prepared that she will not try as hard after a little while, and I know that I can't keep having this conversation with her as it will start to irritate her but for now she is at least trying, no matter how long this lasts

----------------------

Calibri,

RE: LBS is no longer on WAS list of priories /not their job to reassure us/not ours to fix them

Duly noted. That is just something that I struggle to deal with and realize so thank you for reinforcing that. Yes, part of why she left is because she put all of her happiness into me and had nothing for herself. I fully understand that she needs her own life and that in order for us to grow together she needs to grow herself first just like I do

RE: Could it be she is just thinking about what's happening when she doesn't talk?

Yes. I know she does because she has told me she does that. It is those times where I have to get my own negative thoughts under control and focus on GAL to distract myself

RE: Getting it off my chest helps with patience/finding other sources to vent besides telling her

For me I know that I was fully prepared to deal with the consequences of what she would say back to me when I told her. Thankfully she reacted positively and at least for now seems to be making some sort of effort to try. You're right this is a "one and done" talk and I can't have anymore of them with her, regardless of what she does. Running, CrossFit and just taking my dogs out all help ease my mind. (Too bad we're not in the same city, can you imagine if we were able to work out together? PR's EVERYDAY!) angry chick music...ehhh sometimes I like Katy Perry

Bottom line, you're right. You and I are very similar in how we conduct ourselves and in our overall personalities, which is probably why we get along so well (as well as can be over the internet). But those same personalities are things that we are slowly working on because that's what got us in this situation. I am very grateful that I have as much communication with my W as I do, and she does 90% of the initiating so I should be grateful. We are in a much better spot from where we were almost 3 months ago, and she's gone from we're getting a divorce to I don't know what I want and she is remorseful. Small potatoes, but hey I'll take anything I can get.

Patience patience patience...something I've never had but am learning so much about. Thanks for talking me off the ledge, I was about to lay it all out there for her yesterday and I am super glad I did not do that.

--------------180s---------

1. Continue to empathize with her and do not be critical of her
- even when things are going better this week since my last visit with her I sometimes fall back into old habits and begin to give advice and catch myself doing it

2. Don't share things when she doesn't ask
- in our M, everything was always about me me ME! I have to continue to understand that just because we're talking a lot more now doesn't mean that she wants to hear everything about me this is still about her

3. Be easy-going and show her I can handle her moods
- This is the one that I have been struggling with lately as my patience was running dry. Again I just need to take a deep breath and regroup before doing anything stupid. In our M, when she would get moody I would always try and fix it but sometimes she doesn't need a fix she just needs to be left alone- this is insanely difficult not to step in

4. Continue to support her and everything she does unless it's something retarded like having an A
- kind of goes back to everything in our M was about my career and what I wanted now I need to show her that I can actually support things that she has going on in her life, most importantly her work right now

5. Do not bring up the past and good times from it unless she brings it up first
- this one isn't so much of a 180, but just something I am catching myself doing lately. Ever since my last visit with her and she started to talk more emotionally and remorsefully at times, I find myself always saying hey remember when this or remember when that, but it's not always accepted well so I need to stop it unless she brings it up first

--side note-- on the lines of GAL, one of my soldiers just put up a Facebook picture of his six-year-old son skinning, quartering and cleaning a deer. Can't wait to get my first deer so that one day I can teach my kids (whenever we have them) the same thing instead of playing his Xbox---

I apologize for writing what seems to be almost a thesis statement in this post but, hopefully this will be the last one until after Christmas. Thanks for listening DBers, hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

[HPoirot]

Hello TLEE86. Thank you for your post on my thread. I really appreciate you and your support... on this hard day here especially. I read your posts and you make me feel glad and hopeful when I see you still talking friendly with your W. Keep at it. I hope things get better for you both soon and that you find happiness this season. Merry Christmas to you too.

[TLEE86]

HP, thanks for the kind words, I truly do admire you're attitude and learn a lot from your thread. Merry Christmas to you and your S

---------

Side note, W called me AGAIN today, 3 times in a day, again I kept the convo short, taking the dogs out now. She called to say she got my gifts to her in the mail, and like usual, she opened them early. She kept saying it was the sweetest gift I've ever gotten her and it was the perfect package (got her a heated blanket, FROZEN movie-our favorite- FROZEN nightlight-she's been wanting a night light- and her favorite chocolates. Guess she's about to wrap herself up in the blanket and watch the movie, wish I was there but it's ok.

We're going to be face timing/skype in the morning so she can see me give the dogs there "gifts"-just bones wrapped in wrapping paper.

By far not the best Christmas ever, but I am very thankful that on the day before and day of, just might be an ok day.

[TLEE86]

I'll post an update later tonight but for now...



I miss my Wife =(

[edz]

Hi mate.

Don't beat yourself up or be disappointed in life yourself or anything. We all miss our was's and there would be something wrong if that wasn't playing on our minds at this time of year.

I'm trying so hard at my PMA and gal and detachment and have been at this since July but I still have a dull ache deep in me for my w at times. The trick is to get that time down a little bit each day over time. Remember you will continue and you will be OK and happy again, maybe not with w but you will be happy and if you can be happy and content with yourself you may stand more of a chance, even if you don't you will be in a better place for you.

Regardless as I said on my thread I raise my glass to all of us dbing at this time of year and remind us all we are surviving and moving on. It still makes it OK to feel sad sometimes.

Cheers and keep going mate.

Edz