Keep the focus on you and your family. How can he meet your needs when he can't even figure out what he's doing or needs himself? They are so self absorbed during the crisis and until he faces his issues and grows up, he will not be the man you expect him to be, i.e., husband, father, friend, etc.
I'm glad to see he's willing to have friends over to play cards. Listen and observe all that goes on this evening, if they come over. You should be able to tell if he's just going thru the motions or really is enjoying himself.
It's a bit of the distance/pursuit game, i.e., you distance and he comes closer. Keep your expectations low or none. He's not out of the woods yet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
@Wounded Being totally honest....I'm not just into reading the DR or DB books again right now, just dont have the motivation to read them
I know, I can see it in your posts, thats why I am trying like hell to light a fire under your rear. I was hoping the mani/pedi/lunch idea would give you a chance to recharge.
Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I know I should, but I just dont see the point,,,,
YOU are the point! A HUGE part of this is not just repairing marriage/relationships, its becoming a better YOU!
IMhO: You never really established GAL's that were consistent and about YOU. I think that is where you might have a chink in the armor.
I really think if you start with the basics (and get back to them), you will not only begin to get yourself through the holidays, but you will start to see and achieve other goals.
Its a snowball, make one change, work on sticking to it, and you find the next one becomes a little easier to change and stick with.
The road map is in DR (and DB), you just need to make the choice to look at the map
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
@Job- I will be secretly watching to see if he is really enjoying himself.
Plans are in place for them to come, H is heading to store to have some refreshments.
@Wounded
OK OK, I know I need to re-read DR & DB ASAP ("I don't want to" in my whiny baby voice.) All I can say is they remind me of all this,,and right now I need a break from even thinking about this M or R. BUT I will TRY to start to read one next week, can you pick one DR or DB. Serious which one you think I need to reread first.
And my GALs the ones I have I really enjoy them and I feel that they are about me, but I will look deeper into GALing.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
OK OK, I know I need to re-read DR & DB ASAP ("I don't want to" in my whiny baby voice.)
TY!
Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
All I can say is they remind me of all this,,and right now I need a break from even thinking about this M or R. BUT I will TRY to start to read one next week, can you pick one DR or DB. Serious which one you think I need to reread first.
DR spoke to me more then DB did, but I think that was because one of the MWD's letter from a LBS fit me so much you could have changed the name to mine.
Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
All I can say is they remind me of all this
I think to a degree, we see what we want from each of them. Thats by a "can do" PMA is not only what we need to show on the outside, but also BELIEVE on the inside.
Don't be Charlie Brown walking around with a dark cloud over your head. Take stock of all the good you have going, and build on that.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
H enjoyed playing cards at our home with friends even though we lost. We have all planned to do it again next month.
I have thought about all the greatness in my life and Im grateful and Thanks to GOD for all I have!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I'm glad to see everything went okay with the card game. Sorry about the loss...but there's always a next time!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The last couple days have been wonderful. H at the last minute had christmas day off from work in exchange for working a double on new years eve. We all got to spend christmas day together with SS's and their GF's and kids and our s14, my Mom, my aunt and cousin on my fathers side.
Christmas night after we were home H had went to visit a friend that was in town for holiday called me from there and ask if I wanted to watch a movie with him when he came home.
H has paid alot of attention to me these last couple of days, ML each day, was asking how I was feeling,,it was kinda alot for me, and I enjoyed each day but not reading much into it, I just called it my christmas gift...
Spent a wonderful day with my son and mom today.
Got plans with a girlfriend tomorrow.
I will read DR on Monday. I have to make sure I continue working on me and DBing as much as I can. H has a long way to go in his journey and even though these last couple of days were wonderful, it will take alot more to get me to even think things are changing for the better...
But I know I'm better and working on being better each day.
I'm looking forward to having an even better 2015.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
So today while out totally enjoying breafkast then coffee with my out of town friend, I check my phone after being gone 4 hours I notice 11 missed calls in a panic I dail my son cell,,he says he wanted to go over his friends but his dad said I had to be home before he could go..(made it about me not being home in a way) I call H cell and ask if everything is ok he just says s14 wants to go over friends but since H had no idea what time I would be home he said he needed to wait (ok I get that) but then said we been calling you for over 1 hour, you need to check you cell more often (from the H who might not even reply to a cell or vm I leave him) I just told him I did not hear cell ring and I knew he was home with s14 and he could handle whatever.
H was very mad about me not answering phone? S14 was upset casue he was waiting to go over friends and he said dad was mad and making s14 worried cause I did not answer phone.
BUT other then that I had a great time with my friend, apologized for not hearing cell... after I was sure all was well I stayed with friend another hour,,,this was my GAL and I was not ending it early.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
This morning when my H finally came to bed, I just ask him if he was having sex with anyone..I don't really know where that came from other then I felt the need to ask...
Of course he blows up and never directly answers me, he storms off back to basement, I follow him and tell him I need/deserve an answer.
He starts off with its too early and he wants to rest and Im trying to ruin his day off, he is very upset and Im calm and tell him if he just answers there would be no conversation,,,
He says he has told me over and over and he hates when I ask him questions early when he is tired,,,
I tell him it does not matter when he never wants to talk about anything serious related to us.
Anyway he tells me he is trying his best to stay here to keep my son and my life comfortable and that he knows we are both still hangning in becuase of the good times we have shared. He says he loves me, respect and admires me BUT he cannot forget about all the times I was MIA emotionally and physcially in the past and he knows I will go back to being that way eventually. He said he is tired of me briging up this R he said some days at home are good days and some days he still wants to leave it all behind and be left alone. H reminds me that he has just left a family before but he is older now and trying not to just walk away. He said he is glad that he had a child with a woman he loves and resects, and that he likes the woman I am.
He ask me if I wanted him to leave and that right now he felt like getting up and going to a hotel. I told him that does not scare me, that threat does not affect me anymore...
I sat and listen, I told him this has been going on for a while now and I'm not sure if he feels any differtly,,,he said he does not like to see my hurting and he does not want my son and I lifestyle to change.
He said he feels like he would be ok in a 1room place, just working as much as possible. Said he wants to be left alone.
He said he is not trying to do anything to me, or to add more drama into his lfe or mine.
He told me when I feel miserable I try to make him miserable, I told him Im not miserable I just ask a question, and I told him he is miserable.
He talked more then me, and it seems to me he is in the same place almost, like he still feels the need to leave and be out of this R.
I ask him what he wanted from me, I told him I know I cannot expect a R with him, and does he just want me to leave him totally alone in regards to any type of R with him. He did not answer that,,,
H did tell me that if I do not trust him then I should not be with him. He said he heard me when I said I dont want to live like this.
H said I ruined his day off he was looking forward to spending day off with son and getting some rest etc. H said he knew I would enjoy the holidays then start back in with the drama.
I really don't feel like I bring him drama, but I guess each time I mention our R and ask him any questions is brining drama no matter how long I wait between asking anything.
I was calm but inside Im hurting, I don't think this is going to have a happy ending, well not the one where we are together and happy.
I know I'm suppose to DB, I know Im suppose to just be here and be the woman only a fool would leave etc, but I try and I can keep trying,,I guess until he decides to leave or I cannot take anymore and ask him to leave. From what he is saying it seems like he knows Im a good person a good woman,,,and still he does not really want me. This hurts and I came here to post to avoid going back to basement and BEGGING, pleading for him to want me, to love me, to work on our M. I came here to post and save what is left of my dignity, to avoid a melt down in front of him, to save myself from begging.
What can I do, how do I get thru this, I don't want to DB I've tried, I want either my R to be worked on, or him to leave and that scares me and hurts me to think about how our son will be affected, how our lives will change.
Is there any hope, I feel so stupid for still even caring for still even being here dealing with this mess and "standing" for this mess.
It's like being slowly punished over and over again. I dont even know what to do now, it's too much.
I just now want to lay in this bed and cry all day long, but I know I cannot I will not.
Please posts your responses, ideas, thoughts,,I will need this today I think almost more then any other time I have posted here..WOW but I know Im strong, but this hurts!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
He's gas lighting you. Notice how he's avoiding answering your questions about if he was having sex w/someone else. If he weren't, he wouldn't be reacting the way he is.
Happy, if he wants to go, let him. He's a huge cake eater and not only is he eating cake, but the ice cream too.
You are not stupid...you are a concerned wife who loves him very much, but you are hitting a brick wall and if he is truly in crisis, you'll not get the answers you want, especially reassurance.
If he continues to gas light you, then you know what will need to be done. If the stress continues to escalate in your home, a decision will need to be made about him living there and sleeping around, yes, sleeping around. That is very disrespectful to you and your marriage vows.
Again, if he wants to leave, let him. Threatening you w/saying he was thinking about leaving is abuse it is to get you to back off. Call his bluff and let him go. He's going to find out that the grass isn't any greener on the other side and he had a wonderful wife, son and life. Sometimes they need to hit the streets to figure things out.
Bottom line, you and your son are the most important people in this scenario and the stress and tension are going to affect you and your son.
I'll share this w/you...when my xh made threats about leaving, I listened several times after he left once and returned, when he made one too many threats, I came home from work one day and opened the door and told him to leave. I wasn't going to put up w/the threats any longer. He sat on the couch and cried like a baby and told me he didn't know what to do. He stayed in our home 1 week and disappeared while I was at work. Talk about peace and calm...I got it. Yes, I was very upset by what he had done, but my home was calm and the stress in my life of wondering if this would be the day he would walk out or not was over. Not very db like, but my mental, physical and emotional health was at stake and I did what was right for me. Have I regretted it? Absolutely not. That is why I say "you will know when you've had enough".
Take care of you so that you can take care of your son and leave that man out on the street panhandling.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
