Devastated Husband; Need Advice

[TLEE86]

Edz/Calibri, thank you for your insight.

Speaking to her may work but I can say in the early weeks in my situation I did that (this is before dbing) the result was absolutely more of the same. I think w took it as me pushing her

Point taken. I've been running this scenario through my head and all I can come up with is my W will say "thank you for your honesty, I don't mean to do that to you..(insert excuse here)...I will try and not do that anymore."

What will actually happen is she'll try for a little bit and then fall back into her old habits because at the end of the day, she knows what she's doing and if she wanted to stop doing it she would. Me saying anything will probably not cause a permanent change in her actions

The bigger question is, what gets you the best results? Would she perceive your feelings as a complaint or attack

Honestly, probably STFU and doing nothing. She has apologized before for being wishy washy with her responses and they're a variety of excuses so she knows she's not good at texting me back sometimes. As I said above, when she wants to change, she will...telling her will probably cause a temporary change, but not permanent because this is me asking her to do something, rather than her doing it on her own.

Is it worth it for me to tell my H my feelings? Yes. But I'm pondering LAbugs post to me, and I can't help but wonder, what do I get out of telling H how I feel? That my feelings are more important than his? That I think he should act a certain way because it would make me feel better?

The way I see it is by telling her she knows how I feel and I'm being honest with her and not letting it fester. Otherwise, I'm just brushing it off and pretending like everything is ok when it's not. But I guess she already knows that she's doing this so why even bring it up? I don't think it's letting her know my feelings are more important than hers, more that she actually knows what my feelings are?

What I think you and I both need to think about - why are we so irritated and upset about the communication we are currently having with our WAS? What does it say about us?

Lastly, you mention going NC as a way to feel like you have control in the whole thing. Think about why you feel like you need to be

I am this irritated and upset about my communication with her because it's completely one sided. Because although I trust my DB coach, I feel like I am just enabling and being too available for my W. Yet if I don't respond to her, my W takes it like I'm giving her the cold shoulder or I have no interest in talking with her- something I did when we were still living together. I never made time for her.

NC is just a way to let her maybe even wonder what I am doing. But then I don't think NC is a good idea because my W has already expressed concerns that we will grow apart since I'm so far away.

It's a catch-22. Talking and being friendly seems to just allow more of the same from her until she wants to change. NC means her concern about us growing apart since I'm so far away is true and is also more of the same from me as when we were living together.

Maybe I'm rambling. Thoughts?????

[Pink17]

Tlee,

I think that you need to stop the confusion in your own head. You mention that your W is working a lot and long hours. Is that possible that she is busy sometimes and can't just run to the phone and answer you right away.

Sometimes my H text me on those days I have a lot of patients and I can't just answer. I do as I go.

Also, because she left angry with you and one of her complain is that you did not gave her much attention, she may be doing some DBing with you, even if she doesn't know about this forum, she may have the instinct to provoke some reaction on you.

What Calibri repeated from Labug is very important. Think about that it's not about you. It sounds unfair but you are the one that want to fix the M. You are the one to do the heavy lift for now and be very, very patient. You probably remember reading on DB, DR - these are Michelle's words to us.

Your DB coach said that you should be friendly and do not cut communication with her. But he probably did not say you need to text her morning, afternoon and night. Give her some space to miss you.

It's the balance that needs to be adjusted. Not too much, but do not cut it all.

Maybe one idea would be to turn things around. Like maybe you need some recipe that you know she is good at. Say you need it because you are cooking some dinner for a couple of friends that will come over to see the house.

Or maybe she knows the best way to hang a picture frame on the wall. Just something light that will keep contact but is not R talk.

Don't go NC at this time of the year (my opinion) it will drive you crazy and also you will lose the opportunity to be friendly with her.

Maybe you call or text just asking what plans she has for XMas this year. Maybe you know some routines already and it will help with the subject aprouch.

Remember, every time you want to do or say something, first breath and give some time, then you go back to that tough and find out if the results would be what you are trying to accomplish.

Take good care after yourself. These are tough times for all of us. Keep writing, we will be here for you.

Hugs,
Pink

[TLEE86]

Pink,

As always thank you for your insight. I truly appreciate the time you take in reading through my thread. Took your last advice and took a step back, literally I stood there and stepped back haha, and breathed before doing anything. Also I spoke with my DB Coach today, gotta love them, and she had some very similar points you did.

RE: W is working long hours and can't respond

Yes. I fully understand that she has a hectic schedule and is stressed. I also know that I should be grateful for how much we are talking and that sometimes she just doesn't feel like talking. What bothered me is that she always apologizes and then continues todo the same thing and never respond on time.

Here's my DB Coach advice. " Think Firefly not Flood Light" and dont acknowledge my Ws apologies because when you consistently apologize to someone, you feel like you're always doing something wrong, obviously a feeling I don't want to convey to my WAW who has always felt like she doing something wrong. Instead I should just say "hey I get it, I'm busy too" so she feels at ease and not like she has to explain herself.

Also, I've read this a lot on here but never understood it, but to say goodbye first and to keep our convos shorter. I always felt it good to talk longer but then apparently I am "satisfying my W and giving her TLEE86 fix for the day, and she doesn't feel the need to keep talking. By being friendly and keeping convos to 15min or so, it leaves her wondering. Again I know this has been posted before but I never "got it" till today..sorry Army guy. Not too bright.

She also suggested that I actually respond quicker to texts, so I am more of a firefly that just pops in and out instead of a flood light that is alwaySsss on. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about how to get my W to stop taking forever in responding sometimes, just have to roll with it but hopefully by being more "firefly-y" it makes her more interested when I do talk.

All in all, pretty productive coaching session. Really saw a lot of positives from my visit with W that were re-emphasized by DB coach. Thankful for this forum and coach to make me think about what I am about to do or say before doing it.

I realize my posts have been ALOT about my W. Not so much about me an what I am doing..probably need to shift my focus...My GAL activities are full but I can't help but think of how awesome it would be to be doing those things with WAW? Not sure if there's anyway to change that??

Anyways, thank you guys for letting me vent, and steer me in the right direction.

[Pink17]

My dear young arm guy.

You are doing great! You are giving a chance to learn new stuff related to Rs, not only with your W, but things you will take with you for life with or without W.

This is a very positive direction you are taking. Not too many young guys would give a crap about trying to understand all this stuff about M/R. You are awesome.

As you know, I agree with your DB coach. Do this firefly attitude and your W will be curious of what is going on.

Remember that she thinks about you, she still loves you, she is the one all mixed up, she is probably very lost.

Unfortunately, it feels all upside down and awkward right now. It makes not too much sense, but the more you do and practice these techniques of detaching, making yourself happy, a man only a fool would leave, setting boundaries, respecting your individuality... it all make sense at some point and the best is that you start feeling a lot better about yourself.

Thinking about, being up one day and feeling crappy the next or even in the same day, is perfectly normal. You would be some kind of robot if it is not happening. Give yourself time. Grief is a very hard feeling to deal with.

You are doing great, keep the hard work.
And go have some fun, you are young, don't waste this beautiful time of your life.

Hugs,
Pink

[Calibri]

T-

Glad you checked back in with a coach -- sounds like you got great feedback. I'm going to apply it to my own sitch and see what happens.

Yes, your GAL activities would be even more awesome if your W was there. But as pink so brilliantly said -- you can't waste a moment of your young life.

How are your 180s going?

[TLEE86]

Well folks... Grab your popcorn and 2x4's... This post is going to be all over the place

So in spite of a rather successful coaching session this morning, I, in all my wisdom, decided that W annoyed me enough to text her the following:

"Hey... I know you've been busy and I completely understand that but I can't help but notice you've been ignoring my messages the past few days. Just wondering if I'm bothering you or what's up"

W, within seconds, calls and immediately begins to apologize and explain herself saying it's been a crazy day and she just didn't feel like doing anything this weekend. Of course now I remember what my coach said about W apologizing and explaining herself is a no go, so I said hey you don't have to explain yourself I was just wondering if I was bothering you. W says no you're not bothering me at all it's just been hectic lately. Rest of the convo goes smoothly and ends on a good note.

Honestly I'm not sure I'm even feeling bad that I told my W that what she's doing bothers me. It felt good to get off my chest and she should know. Now, big question, did it hurt my efforts in DBing and will it get me results?

I don't know but I don't think it hurt me very much in DB. Obviously if I say that every day it'll probably start to get annoying on her part, but I won't. I'm actually kind of glad I did because she needs to know that I'm not okay with how things have been going. I wasn't a jerk and I don't think I came off THAT needy, and the convo went well after that. Took my coaches advice and cut the convo off after 20 minutes. W seemed indifferent about it, but I know that I, at least, was not satisfied because it's about half the amount of time we normally talk for. BUT, it really did feel like foreplay without the climax... And those are my coachs words (for the record I found it extremely entertaining that what I picture is an 80-year-old woman talking to me about foreplay and climaxing). But it actually makes sense. Coach said when you end the conversation short and on a high note it's like the feeling of arousal you get before climax and not the one you get afterwards. (Again, picturing an 80-year old lecturing me on this)

What do I expect from here now that I've brought it to my Ws attention that I hate how she respond so slow? Nothing really different, more of the same, but what's said is said.

On another note, bought and mailed W some Christmas presents today (Coach advice), nothing crazy just one of our favorite movies (FROZEN :P ), a heated blanket and some of her favorite chocolates. Forget who's thread I read it on but it actually feels really good to be doing that because I know that she's spending Christmas alone this year and she will also have no presents so it's nice just to know that she will be happy on Christmas day even if I'm not.

Something else along those lines is that it was actually really hard to not just break down and lose it in the middle of the store while buying presents. We have spent 2 of the last 3Christmases apart because of the army but this one is one that I never even dreamed about happening, much like everyone here. I'm so tired of being alone, so tired of being sad all the time, wondering if W will ever come home. Again I try and focus on the positives because I have at least seen some remorse from W, And she has at least said some things to give me a little hope but I'm so tired of this. Weird how the smallest things trigger sadness. I bought a large pepperoni pizza today and started getting really upset because there were three pieces of pizza remaining, because I always ate 5 and she always ate the other 3.

Yea I know it sounds SUUUUUPPPERRRR SAPPY but you know what, I'm gonna take that for this moment. And you know what? At the end of the day I'm still a (censored) Airborne Ranger!

Trying also not to be concerned with W and roommate, honestly I'm not even sure I want to call him OM, because I know there is no PA, and if there is a EA, she has even said before that it will never go anywhere. He's more of a distraction than anything else. But I never acknowledge his even existence so it is what it is...

Went to Petsmart and bought my dogs a ridiculously expensive dog bed, which they are now trying to share, but I ended up kicking out my Golden and told her we are having a no girls allowed club so me and my German shepherd are curled up while my golden is sulking in a corner-she looks pretty pitiful...ha

Pink/Cal, thanks for your comments- I'm responding tomorrow. Right now I have a date with 3 pieces of pizza + Katherine Heigl in State of Affairs. Goodnight DB, tomorrow will be a better day.

[Calibri]

I don't think you hurt your DBing. Just don't make it a habit. I think it's interesting that your W called you and apologized.

I think where you will be tested, will be if her communication doesn't change.

You can still be sappy and be a Ranger. They balance each other out. :-)

But Frozen? Come on now. ;-)

[edz]

Hi

Indeed I don't think there's anything wrong with what was said just be careful in texting, calling or emailing unless you need to as it's sooo easy for that to go into pursuing without you even realising (voice of experience here, I was pursuing poster boy for the first month or so). Sounded like a good exchange remember to validate though, hectic time lots going on etc, tricky line to walk without sounding like you're digging into what she's up to which is why it's best.......and you know the rest

Frozen eh? My s is 10 so I've seen that an unhealthy number of times, think I identify with Olaf Nothing wrong with Disney even if you're not a Ranger and if you are? Well I'm not arguing with you then!

Take care

Edz

[TLEE86]

Really must be the Holidays because everyone's posts are starting to sound the same so here's me jumping on that band wagon.

I hate what happened and what's become of my M. I wish I never left my W this last time and rather than working on my career, I should have been working on my M. I just didn't know, she didn't even know, this was even close to happening. As of July she was all about having kids and coming to Texas with me. What happened between July and September when I finally came home? I will never know, and I suppose it really doesn't matter anymore.

I find myself wanting to text W and say "hey, let's fix this" or "I miss you W, let's try this again" or "neither one of us wanted this, so let's get us back on track."

I even wrote a long letter ( no I didn't send it) to her just detailing how I feel about everything and again recognizing the things I could have done better to not let us get here. I wrote about how I am in a way thankful for this time apart because I realize what it was like on her side of the fence, and what we could have done together to make this better. Sad part about it is none of our problems had anything to do with each other. My problems were all work related which I in turn dumped on W. Her problems were that she had nothing to do so her happiness depended on my happiness and if I was upset she was upset. It wasn't anything that we actually fought over, just bad communication.

I hate that we're not spending Christmas together this year. We had so many plans as of July that are obviously not happening. I hate that I can't even see her smile when she opens the presents I got her. I hate that she's still being so inconsiderate and selfish with everything. Most importantly, I hate what has become of our M.

She has made very little effort this past week to actually try and communicate with me outside of her apology phone call yesterday. Today is more of the same, so not really a whole lot of good it did talking to her about it.

Well, b*tch sessions over, time to go to IC. Updated list of 180s to come, hopefully tonight.

[TLEE86]

Oh and just for the record...FROZEN is a fantastic movie.

"Do you wanna build a snowman...???"

You know what? YEA I DO. Stupid Texas and no snow in December.

"Ok bye..."