I will not get as personal with mine (I do not want to escalate your emotions much more). and this is NOT a bitchlist....OK it is...
I have put myself in you shoes and I understand the validity of your concerns. I am not here to make excuses for my behavior.
It seems that we have both done things to withdraw from each other, which [censored]. some of the things that caused me to do this were...
1. failing to rescue the condo. We budgeted the income of it to be able to take care of HOA's taxes and the payments.
2. Finding out that you MAY have had me followed 2-3 years ago and going through my texts (same reason you were granted a PPO) and phone numbers on the Verizon account.
3. Not keeping the house clean when you were a stay at home mom.
4. Opening up credit cards under my name without asking or consulting about it with me.
5. Multiple Facebook accounts (of which you started blocking me from over a year ago).
6. Constant calls from friends and relatives regarding collection accounts.
7. My line of credit was always in the negative.
8. The abandonment of your core friends, and convincing the new ones that I am some monster (Alison hates my guts).
9. OUR inability to compromise.
10. taking our kids to Florida and keeping them away from me for two weeks during an important holiday.
11. not allowing me to do simple things with you.... Laundry, picking out furniture and painting...working out... (to me these are things that we should do together...time away from the kids to do small things together).
12 We have never set GOALS!!!
13. Finding out that you may have POSSIBLY, committed a very serious offense at your old employer.
14. hiding mail from me... and finding out about overdrawn accounts, of which I knew nothing about.
15. $16500 in judgments at the district court
16. Not taking responsibility for OUR actions.... not just you.... but ME as well.
17. Not a single apology for letting me sleep on the couch for 11 months.
Every time I found out a little more, the more withdrawn I became (my fault for not being responsible to address with you)
It was NEVER my intention to keep things from you.... I do not want to be like your mom and Step father, with separate accounts. It was always... and still is my intention to do things together... Make joint decisions. Be a team. be a loving couple and work on our issues together.
Things I didn't understand about marriage, But am learning everyday is:
1. To love you unconditionally for who you are and If I want you to change, I first have to SHOW you a reason to first, by changing myself. (which I am doing every day)
2. To give true and deep forgiveness.... Which I have (and I pray for you to do at some point as well).
3. Take time for us....
4. Be willing to compromise.
The list looks large, but it is not impossible to address. These are issues that we can tackle together!!!! During my research the last 63 days, I still have not found anything that says we cannot make this work. It will take a commitment from both of us... and a major lowering of pride... I am doing this.... and I honestly pray multiple times a day that you will too. I ask God daily to touch your heart and soften it towards me. I ask that His will be done and pray for the restoration of our family.
I just ask, that you PLEASE put yourself in my shoes and try to see things from a slightly different perspective (my views on our crisis), and have an understanding of my feelings.
We have both been hurt for a long time and it will take time and effort if you decide to do this. BUT IT CAN BE DONE.... I just ask that you consider it. This is a major step if both of us are willing.
For what its worth, I can count on one hand and 1 finger on the other how many beers I have had in the last 52 days.
It feels good to get this off my chest, and I am sorry for taking so long to do this... Going forward, I hope we can have honest and calm discussions about what hurts, when we step on each others toes.
If you are willing to sit down, I would eventually like to talk about these... a little at a time.
In the meantime, I would like to have "date nights" to reconnect and build trust (the intimacy will come LATER).... No pressure or talks about what went wrong. I want to know how you are. and what's happening in your everyday life.. I want to know how Cori is doing.... I want to do fun things that we have neglected to do for the longest time (bowling, movies... ).
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
Then she got upset... Im not sure that we didn't take a few steps backwards today. I just wanted her to put herself in my shoes and understand how I feel.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
I think the problem is that you completely disregarded her issues. You did the opposite of validating. You asked her for a list, then said, "Ok. Got it. I agree I could do better. Now here is everything wrong with you." It almost seems as if your whole reason for having her write up a list for you was so you could pile on her with your own list.
If you are DBing you are supposed to be convincing your WAS that they are a fool to leave you. I think your response did the opposite and instead convinced her that the marriage is doomed.
As a woman who was a SAHM before my kids were in school, your issue with keeping the house clean rubbed me the wrong way. Being a SAHM with young kids is very different from being a housewife. Honestly, becoming a working mom was a lot easier because at least I had a break. I was lucky if I even made it into the shower once a day, much less had a clean house. Imagine you doing your full time job at home and still being excepted to keep the house clean. Now add in 3 little people who spend the entire time you are working, making a mess. Do you really think you would be able to keep the house clean and still do your job. Being a stay at home mom (when kids are home not in school) requires you to be on 24/7, no break. If you are lucky they might take naps at the same time, I never had more than 20 minutes of overlap nap time when they were little, and that was barely enough time to pick up the mess they made before the nap, much less tend to other household needs.
I don't mean to berate you, a lot of people don't get it. I hear working mother's always complaining about how much easier SAHMs have it, I've been both and believe me being a working mother--while not easier--is certainly a lot more sanity saving because at least you get a lunch break and some alone time while you commute. I loved being home with my kids, but it was surprising how little I was able to get done. So I think that first, not giving her issues proper validation and time for you to really let it sink in, followed by giving her a list that comes across as a bit dismissive probably wasn't the best idea if your goal is to save your marriage.
Next time she opens up, even if it hurts, resist your urge to be dismissive or defensive and just listen. You don't have to agree, but you should try to understand and let her know that you are hearing her. You both have some valid issues, but right now you are the one who wants to save this marriage so you need to be the one to demonstrate the willingness to understand her.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Your thread sounds like a big mess. I'm very sorry to hear, and now she is just blaming you. It sounds like she is very bitter. And I think bitterness is one of our worst enemies in a D situation. Because bitterness will change us, for the very worst, but if your heart gets shattered in a million pieces it's also one of the hardest to overcome. I wouldn't reply on anything that includes blaming. Did both of you see a therapist/counselor together ever? Maybe it would help to talk to someone again and set some rules for communication for both of you. But I'm not an expert by any means...still learning my own cra p
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Hi Mustard... Thanks for the input... I was a SAHD for almost 2 years during the recession with a newborn and a 1.5 year old. But I scheduled everything. there is also a difference between keeping a clean house and allowing a filthy one. .... and I agree with you whole heartedly, its wasn't easy. I admit, I came across a little snippy to her. But since she left, this was the first time I have been able to express how I felt. Like I said, I was afraid I took a step backwards... and I though I did. Now all of a sudden tonight, she is texting me constantly. I hope I was able to show her, how I have changed my perspective and am taking ownership for my past actions. I had the perfect opportunity to stick it in and break it off 2 weeks ago when she told me she sold her wedding bands for $700... after I have over $2800 into it. But all I did, was give her a one arm hug from the side and kissed her on the head and told her, its only a ring. that was a huge step for me. I am not sure if she actually didnt sell the ring and was looking for a reaction, or if she really did. I didn't take the bait. I offered true empathy and forgiveness.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
howdy Complex. I have been seeing a therapist since week 3..and doing a lot of studying on a few different sites. My first objective was to create a calm environment. which I have done a good job of. If she gets upset and starts unsing the blame game, I will just text her back and tell her that It just doesn't seem to be the right time yet to talk. My therapist says its ok to push a little once in a while to gauge where we are headed. I really thought that I made a mistake with the Email back to her... I kinda wrote it out of spite, because I was just expecting maybe 5-6 bullet points, brief and succinct. Instead I got the cliff's notes version of everything that has happened over the last 2-3 years. I want to keep my confidence and show her I am not the meek pushover I once was, so I decided to push back a little more... But I used more we's and us'es to soften the blow. and it has seemed to work a little. time will tell.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
My therapist told me tonight, that she does notice..... even if she doesn't come out and say it. and she will continue to test, to make sure its not just a façade. Men are action oriented. most times words don't get through to us till its time to take action. Like Michelle said in the WAW video, your husband is going to make someone a really good second husband. He finally gets it, he is getting in shape, he's helping around the house, he's going back to temple or church.... She basically tells the walk away wife to recognize this. I may have broken some ground tonight. If you haven't watched the video... I suggest you google Michelle Wiener-Davis Walk Away Wife on youtube. It gave me great confidence and hope.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
I'm glad that you are getting some positive feedback from her. I'm sorry I was so harsh, I know that if I did that it would have back fired completely and he would have completely retreated or spewed a bunch of hate in response.
But maybe that is because I am a woman dealing with a man. As a woman I would love it if my H would actually tell me why he doesn't think our marriage is worth saving. When I ask he can't give me a straight answer, talks in circles, if he is feeling kind he says things like "it's not you it's me" sort of arguments, or "we are just so different" but then can't give me examples of what he means by that. Really? After 14 years of marriage you suddenly woke up one day and decided we were so different we needed to divorce?
If he is in a nasty mood he will just throw my vulnerabilities back at me to get me to shut up, or cry, or walk away (which I have a hard time doing). Like saying "I wish you would die" "you're just mad because she's my friend and you aren't" or--before I got my job--"you destroyed this family by not making enough money". All things that he later takes back when I bring it up later claiming he was just mad.
Most of the time he just says, "I feel like I'm in a prison" (because we are all downstairs watching TV) or " I don't know why I feel this way". It is infuriating, but I am learning to not care anymore. It's his issue not mine--and when push comes to shove the reality is that he just doesn't love me anymore. No reason.
Last edited by mustardseed; 12/23/1404:23 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Sounds like we are in a similar sitch... sans the genital difference.. LOL. not to worry about what you posted... I understand.. BTW... I am making you my unofficial, official prayer buddy.
Together 06-04 Married 10-05 She Left 10-11-14 I filed 10-22-14
