I think that it's almost impossible to look for a right person out there. Human beings have a strong tendency to look for things that complement them, so in a way we explore the different. We are attracted by what is different because we don't want our twin.
Now, it is quite nice to look to people with similar values, like religion, politics, a sense of what we want in our future, things we like to do for entertainment, etc. However, it all change with time, location, line of work, sex, etc.
So, who would make a better partner? Maybe the answer is that no one knows. How you deal with routine, stress, adversities, emergencies, crises, happiness, financial, educate kids, etc is the potential focus if a R will survive or not.
And the most important of all...COMMUNICATION... many books regarding R explore the single biggest problem between couples that is how, when, why, and how much they communicate. Michelle mention tons of this single issue throughout DB and DR. It's yet the biggest reason for S and D. But how to identify the best partner? How to know if the one that is so nice at the beginning of a R will be the one we will have a good communication and it will last forever?
The only thing we can do is to treat ourselves, get to a place where we feel comfortable with ourselves. Be honest regarding our highs and lows and try to find balance within. Maybe this way we have a chance to attract good people and be happy with them accepting our differences.
It's my opinion, that there is no wright or wrong.
I'm really irrationally angry right now that the D is in the public court records website. I have a pretty unique first/last name combination (both my married name and maiden name), so when you type it in that is the only person and result you get. For everyone to see. How come a D has to be in there but the fact that you got M doesn't? H has a more common first/last name combination and there are numerous people/records with it... it p*sses me off. He can just take off his ring and people may not even notice. If I want to change my name back everyone will know. If I don't I'm stuck with his name indefinitely, it's lose-lose.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I don't even know how to search the public records in my state.
You're displacing your anger at him on this administrative thing. What if you said, flat out, "I'm angry that I behaved like a person of integrity and fought for the commitment we made so publicly, and he thinks it's appropriate to just wander off."
That actually makes ME kind of feel better. Because it is so true.
Go a little further? "I am angry and a little fearful that people are going to misattribute his low moral fiber to me and I want to control that impression."
Hm. Rings true for me too.
Betsey's/Underdog's most recent post to me reminded me only to carry the burden of blame that belongs to me and not anybody else's. Reclaim your name without fear of others' opinions. The people who matter understand.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hmm... ok, maybe it's because I studied criminal justice in college but a lot of the people I know know how to use that website and it's referenced in regular conversation. You say the acronym for the site and people know what you are talking about. Maybe in my state it's just very easy and accessible?
Yes, Maybell, that second one particularly. I don't like that it's published on a website for anyone to see and there is no explanation.. and that it says it was a joint action. =/ Also not pleased that my address is posted there. Apparently I can petition to get that part suppressed, at least.
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
LAbug- real estate agents and their assistants, and nosey people.
When I worked in real estate, I had to search public records for deeds, make sure a house hadn't foreclosed on, etc. saw several clients pre-nups, divorce agreements, power of attorneys, etc.
KGirl - I doubt most people will be searching to see that you're getting a D. The people who matter already know and don't care.
Maybell gave you great advice. Don't worry about what other people may or may not see.
This too, shall pass.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I'll agree with Calibri that nosey people do. I didn't know anything about it until a female coworker I've been talking to about my sitch turned me on to it. Not that it helped me physically or emotionally, but I found out that WAW's OM has already been married twice.
I wouldn't use it for people I know, so KGirl I wouldn't worry there.
I know I'll probably use it if WAW and I divorce and I find another potential W. Hey, you never know, they might be hiding a crime or there 20 year old child from a previous marriage.
Me:30 W:34 M:8 T:9 D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1 D bomb: 8/2014 S 12/2014 PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
It will pass with time, try to focus in things more meaningful to you at this moment. Sometimes I picture you on dirty pj's, drinking a ton of coffee, smoking a cigarette and searching the net to see who said what about you (Just kidding).
Let go of all these fears, they won't make you a better person. They are not adding to your life in any way, they just get you depressed further.
And what if you got divorced? It sure is not the best thing in the world, but it's not the worse either. Besides, you are not angry with the situation, you are judging yourself, you feel you failed and that's what is driving you crazy.
You have all rights to be angry, hurt, really mad, but do this because you are feeling all this grief. Don't waste your time and energy thinking about the nose people that are looking for public records. If they are your friends, they probably know what is going on and will not criticize you, if someone does, then they are not your friends and you do not need friends like these ones.
