KGirl - one year later con't

[Calibri]

Mmmmmm. Something attractive about a man with shared interests and a uniform. Go KGirl!

[Pink17]

You see baby,

The world is all yours, you have a brilliant future ahead of you. And if it's better only time will tell, but time will also let you decide what is better for you alone.

With all the knowledge you gain in the last year, all the learning process of making yourself a better person is also in play here. You are still dealing with the tragedy in you life, but soon enough you will be stronger and life will smile to you again.

Have faith and go slow, you have this time to enjoy yourself and all the good things that are coming your way.

Your gorgeousness is showing, you will attract good people.

Be your best friend and have fun.
Have a Lovely New Year! May 2015 brings you happiness!
Hugs,
Pink

[KGirl]

Thanks, Pink! I hope that by the end of 2015, it's clear what direction this is all moving in.

I had some bizarre dreams about H last night (like that I met up and he had all these piercings and tattoos.. he has none of those at this time), and I'm trying not to let the influence my thoughts about him. I'm also keeping in mind a conversation a had with a friend on Monday. This friend has been through all of this with me and knows everything that has happened, but she was out of the country for several weeks so I filled her in on the paperwork signing, the dinner etc. etc. She gave me some good words of wisdom.
-When I mentioned how H said he always felt he was "guilty unti proven innocent" and always had to prove he was innocent and that I felt maybe I was too hard on him, she stopped me and said "But K, he WAS guilty so many times. And he DIDN'T prove his innocence. You told him exactly what it would take to trust him again/repair what he did, but he wouldn't do it." True.
-I mentioned how I was anxious about his work trips lately and him saying he had bottles of vodka in his room and wondering who he was with, what he was doing, etc., and how apparently I'm just so controlling and jealous I can't handle it even though it's a normal thing to be drinking with coworkers. She said "Do you think you'd be that way if you were dating someone else, though, that you had now met? I highly doubt it. I don't think you'd be like this with everyone, but the history H has has you not trusting him, and rightfully so."

It's nice to have some affirmation that maybe I'm not completely crazy regarding him, and that his actions have a lot to do with it, too I don't know what 2015 will hold but I do hope that by the end of it there are some answers.

My parents and sisters and I went to visit my 91 year old grandmother at her assisted living facility today. I haven't seen her in several years due to conflicts whenever my family visited. It was tough - my grandfather died 5? years ago, and she still wears his wedding ring. They had a 50th wedding anniversary party. Doesn't seem like I'll be able to ever reach that milestone unless I live to be super old. She also had some pictures on the wall and my sister went over to comment on one.. it was my wedding picture. Grandma doesn't know we are S and there doesn't seem to be a point in telling her (she has trouble remembering where we live, our names, etc.), but it reminded me again of all the time and money and mementos and memories that seem wasted. Sigh. Here's hoping 2015 is better, because it can't possibly be worse than 2014, right?

[KGirl]

So my NYE plans involve watching "When Harry Met Sally." One of my all time favorite movies, but let me just say it has never rung truer or made more sense than now... and I felt like I was reading this board when listening to some of these quotes

"Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong." "Oh really? Well that symptom is f***ing my wife!"

"I don't miss him. I really don't'"
"Not even a little?"
"You know what I miss? I miss the IDEA of him."

Harry got divorced after 5 years of marriage and *spoiler alert* things worked out in the end. One of the little vignettes they have is a story about a couple who was married, got divorced, and then 35 years later reconnected at a funeral and got re-married. Who knows what might happen?

[labug]

Why were they wasted (wedding stuff)?

You've learned so much on this journey, nothing has been wasted if it brought you to a better place.

If I buy a wedding gift for someone and they later get Dd, that i wasted money on a gift isn't the first thing I think of.

You take so much responsibility for the feelings of others.

Maybe you should have a theme for this year, something like The One Where K Sets Strong Emotional Boundaries

Happy New Year, sweetie! May if be your best and brightest ever. Keep doing the work.

[KGirl]

They're wasted because they can't be enjoyed or appreciated anymore, but it's not like I can give them to the thrift store or sell them on craigslist or otherwise repurpose them. Pictures, personalized things, "1st Christmas" ornaments, etc... I really don't know what to do with them besides throw them away or put them out of sight in a box. So they're out of sight in a box right now. I know that people aren't looking down on me for it, so why seeing those items is depressing is because it reminds me of what was and not what is. It kind of goes with my thoughts lately of wanting to run away and move somewhere like a different start and start over, where no one knows me and no one knows I was M. If I look at those things and think "well, those were still good times, it was nice to be M for the time we were, etc." then it makes me miss it all again and doesn't help me move forward. Right now, at least, the only way I can handle it is to not see any reminders of H or my M.

Emotional boundaries.. can you give an example?

[Pink17]

KGirl,

Give yourself time. Slowly, as you get to do other activities and maybe meet new people, yo will fell better and better.

I heard it's normal to go through a process to let go on all the years you spent beside someone. You had a life with that person and created a whole world around it. Now, it's time to rebuild and it's not easy.

Only time will help. You are already moving in that direction, you just don't see it the way we can see because you want it all clear now. It will get better.

And, just my opinion, don't be so worry about other people's opinion. They don't know your life, your reasons and it's nobody's business but yours. Don't be so self conscious.

You will be fine, just give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. Who knows what the future holds...

Hugs,
Pink

[labug]

K, Anna Katherine (Chap 1 on Amazon), Pia Mellody. Any library.

[Card29]

KGirl, I went through the exact same thing with a lot of our momentos, pictures, memories. I felt so hopeless and miserable when I thought of them. I wanted to forget the past. In fact, if we didn't have D2, I wonder if I would be halfway across the country by now.

I'm not all of the way there, by any means, but I have started to see the light that people talk about, that there is a brighter future. I've even been able to think back on some of our good times and smile, thoughts that would have sent me to tears or nausea for the previous 6 months.

So my advice is to simply stay the course. One step at a time. You don't have to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now to know you need to walk down the tunnel. For now, I think you're doing the right thing by getting those momentos out of sight. Someday you will be strong, happy and healthy, and then you get make a decision on what to do with them. Maybe a couple of them will make you laugh or smile even after you've totally moved on. I still have a shirt my HS sweetheart gave to me. I don't have feelings for her anymore, I haven't talked to her in 8 or 9 years. But the shirt just reminds me of fun that me and my friends had one summer. So I kept it, and I still enjoy wearing it.

Btw, I think you have been very strong not to turn and run, without any child obligations. I'm glad D2 kept me anchored here because it forced me to face the pain rather than run from it. KGirl decided that all on her own! Plus you're braving a Wisconsin winter, which is better than I could do.

[KGirl]

Well, H just texted me that he filed today. More specifically, he said "FYI - I did go ahead and file today." FYI, like it's just some small thing to keep me in the loop about. I thought I was mentally prepared for this but it still put me into "fight or flight" mode. When I saw my phone light up and the text notification I thought that might be it, now that the holidays are over. I just checked our state's public records website and it's already in there for anyone who wants to see. Gross. He also apologized but I'm not exactly sure for what because there were some typos - "I apologize for having to or you through all of this." For having me go through all of this? I don't know. I don't really want to accept that apology right now.

Do I have to respond or acknowledge that I got his text? I don't really want to. Going darker than dark now. He was on my snapchat list and I saw that he was looking at all my stories, I'm taking him off. Time to really work on that letting go. Trying to think about some of the good things about this (finally some closure, not having to worry about whether the house is being paid for, only having to worry about how to do taxes this year) and remind myself the R itself was already over anyway.