KGirl - one year later con't

[KGirl]

labug - I was thinking more about your question about my sister (was she intentionally late to ruin the celebration?) No, but shouldn't there be a point where people can't follow through enough times where you just need to stop including them or planning things with them because they can't be counted on? I think I may be to that point with her and it kind of s*cks because we have grown closer since BD, but at the same time her follow-through with things is very poor. How do you know when to give people more chances vs. just saying, for example, for next year's birthday "I'm sorry, I don't want to do dinner because it gets too complicated, I'd rather we all just met up somewhere during an open time window."

Claire - I've been thinking more about this, too, and I'm struggling with what is the right amount of own things/time and shared things. I wanted more shared time/activities, H wanted more individual time/activities. I wish someone had some magic ratio somewhere that was a healthy balance so I would know what is appropriate (like, if you think about the time you spend in the company of other people, doing things like dinner, watching TV or movies, going to places, etc., I would have wanted at least 50% of that to be with H or involve H, whereas 50% or less would be with everyone else - friends, family, coworkers outside of work, etc. I feel like that's reasonable to me but H would say no, too much time together and not with other people.) I think I had and still have work to do in terms of building more of my own life separate for him... but if we were to R I don't know that that's enough, I would want him to meet me halfway and want to spend more time with me than he did in the past.

Does going to World Market for free samples count as GAL? 'Cause that's what I'm doing today! A lot of the activities I'd like to do are pretty solitary and don't involve other people much. I'm trying to think of things that are more social but a lot of them sound like homework assignments and not things I really WANT to do but feel like I should out of an obligation to push myself (meetups, for example).

[Maybell]

KGirl, I want to answer you but I don't have an answer. That question about time spent with SO vs. time spent elsewise is a huge one for me too. I don't think I'm especially clingy -- I went a lot of my marriage doing evening yoga classes, book club, movies with friends, etc. I didn't always want H with me for that stuff because I needed recharge time and girl time. But at the same time, I married him because I wanted the two of us to be together, and that means fostering mutual interests, having the same circle of friends, etc. He seemed to have been into that for a stretch, and then somehow he wasn't. I don't know how or exactly when the difference happened.

I do really, really think you have been given a gift to explore how much richer your life can be without your H. Even if you eventually circle back to one another, he needs to grow up kind of a lot to be a good partner to you. (Mine too, probably...)

Can you invite a buddy to World Market for free samples?

I'm with you on the meetups, etc. Too much like homework. But I think that's me hunkering down at the moment, so much change and so much internal processing that I'm at capacity. I think with the warmer weather in the spring and my plans having time to play out that GALing will be less effort and more exciting.

Best to you, KWoman, you've really come a long way.

[KGirl]

I'm going to make it a goal for January to have people over - maybe a football party, maybe board games, some reason to have people over and have snacks and drinks, and actually see the cat I post all these pictures of on social media. Having people over is scary but that would be a good social event, it's people I know, and I can work on not being so anxious about how clean things are, or if there's cat hair floating around, or if anyone is allergic to anything... Might sound like a really basic goal but I've only had friends over like twice and they were somewhat self-invited ("Can I see your new place? Can I stop by to see your couch before we go out to dinner?" things like that). I have not invited any friends over since I moved in June :S

[Card29]

Awesome goal! Keep it real, K

[seaspin]

I would want him to meet me halfway and want to spend more time with me than he did in the past.

I resonate with your dilemma on how much time should be spent with you vs other people. My LL is Quality Time, so this has always been a sore spot for me. I tried to wait patiently until WAH had time to spend with me (between work, illness, kids, playing on his computer, etc), but he didn't make it a priority (and I prob didn't voice my need as often as I should have). By the time of BD, he told me that he had no time for his friends, etc. He made it sound like I took all of his time, but I don't think I did.

I agree that WAH should want to spend some time with you and not resent it. It sounds like your relationship was off balance.

[Card29]

seaspin,

Not to hijack K's thread, but do you think you didn't voice your LL need enough? Or do you think you went about it in the wrong way? i.e. Gratefully acknowledge and reward H when your LL is fulfilled as opposed to complaining/asking when he doesn't? Have you read the How to Train Hour Husband article that made the rounds here?

http://www.newsweek.com/how-train-husband-93617

P.S. Love your name!

[Pink17]

KGirl,

It seems like the grief is in it's first stage and you are processing a lot of anger and guilt.

Are you seeing an IC during this time. If not, maybe it would be helpful at least for the time being. Processing all this pain and all the years you were married is not easy. Help yourself.

About the GAL, do you have friends that go out for bowling, karaoke or dancing? Talk to your close friends, tell them you need their help to get out of the hole you are in. It's no shame to say to your best friends that you need their help because you are hurting and is feeling stock.

I went dancing with a couple of friends two weeks ago, and I loved it. I met new people, I smiled a lot, I forgot the pain for awhile and I had a lot of fun getting sweat dancing.

The first times it is not so easy, so you force yourself, eventually it gets more normal and you find your own choices of what is the stuff you enjoy doing.

About your H, sorry to say but your he has a big share of why things did not work. This whole thing about his hobbies is so childish, it's sickening. Maybe, it is time for him to do some grown up and get his s**t together.

With all what you have been venting that happen between you and your H and all the choices he made about not spending time with you, it just seems that you are so much more mature then him, that makes me think you will be in a better place soon enough without him around.

Maybe you can let it be for now. Work on yourself, your goals, how you want to see yourself in 6 months, in a year. If you do that, maybe your H will came around to check things out. It's not impossible to get together after D, and by the way, H probably did not file yet.

Keep the friendship and move forward. If you guys fall in love again, then there will be a time you will sit down and talk about your new M/R. The one you had is dead, it will be a whole new R, right?

Just my opinion, but try to take one task at a time, don't burn your brain with lots of toughs and no action. Give yourself time to heal. Even if you don't feel like try to enjoy yourself, list the things you like about yourself and the ones you don't and try to work slow on the one you can improve.

Dress up, put some makeup. Feel good about who you see in the mirror.

If it helps, do all this to show your H you will be OK, things are working out just fine for you. It's very powerful. I start doing all this to show my H how I was moving on with my life and started liking it, I do not want to go back, I actually like who I am becoming.

Hope you can get to a better place very soon.
We are all here for you.

Hugs,
Pink

[KGirl]

My top LL is quality time, too. Maybe it's just a mismatch in terms of our values and interests that is unresolvable... maybe he is just a dud for me, to steal a term from labug I guess it doesn't really matter that much so I should stop pondering it - there's no use in trying to identify issues or what went wrong when he has no interest in working with me on it. I don't think he filed yet because I believe he would have told me as soon as he had done it, so he either has some doubt... or is procrastinating and the time hasn't been convenient enough for him (he has to go downtown during business hours which is a hassle in our city with parking and all).

pink - I was seeing an IC from from BD up until about.. August, I guess? It was helpful during the initial phase of "can't sleep, can't eat, devastated" grief place I was in. After awhile it didn't seem very helpful. It felt like we were talking about the same things and there wasn't really any place else to go. It felt like my IC wanted me to just move on and let go of H and that he was not worth my time ("immature" was used by my IC a lot!) When I would talk about things that H was unhappy with me about and that I said I wanted to try and work on, my IC would say things like "Is that really that problematic? That seems like a very normal reaction/feeling/whatever given the circumstances"... which maybe that's all true and there really just wasn't anything else I needed to personally figure out at the time.

I realized when I was thinking of people to invite out somewhere (Maybell, I went to the sample tasting by myself but had a nice chat with the wine pouring guy about the different types of wine ) that I have a grand total of... 3 friends that I feel close enough to invite over or ask to dinner that live in the area. A fourth friend is moving here soon, which I'm super excited about. I'd rather have a few close friends than a large circle of more distant friends. But, of those few close friends, 3 are married or are in long-term relationships so they're often doing things w/ their partner, 2 travel quite a bit and are often gone (one was just in New Zealand for 2 weeks and was unreachable, another is spending the week in Florida for a bowl game)... the opportunities for hanging out with them feel limited. I have a lot of work "friends" but we really only hang out either right after work or during lunch.. it would be strange to call one of them up on a weekend to hang out. Maybe I should try it sometime, though!

[seaspin]

seaspin,

Do you think you didn't voice your LL need enough? Or do you think you went about it in the wrong way? i.e. Gratefully acknowledge and reward H when your LL is fulfilled as opposed to complaining/asking when he doesn't?

Thanks Card! Good questions. I went about it the wrong way. Maybe I could have spoken up more about my needs, but I think that affirmation would would have gone a long way. I tended to focus on the negatives and not the positives. Sigh... I wish I had really understood this years ago.

Thanks for the link to the article. Very helpful!

[KGirl]

So... I just got back from hanging out with a friend who is in town for the holidays (who is moving back here from across the country in a few weeks, yay!) and her fiancé. We went out to dinner, and afterwards they were meeting some friends of his for drinks. Strangely he has several friends that went to grad school with him in Kansas, but now all live and work in Wisconsin. I wasn't going to go but her fiancé said I really needed to meet his friends. So I went... and one of his friends is my age, pretty cute, has a master's degree in the field I work in (which is a counseling-type field which I think says a lot about one's interests and values), and is a POLICE OFFICER. And where I live, at least, it's not an "old boys club" but a profession that is taken very seriously in terms of addressing mental health issues, justice reforms, etc. *Swoon*. I actually majored in Legal Studies and seriously considered working in law enforcement for quite a while before I decided on my current career. And, did I mention he's single?? I'm not necessarily interested in dating right now(and I don't really want to pull a "well I'm only technically married" on someone).. but it's exciting to have identified a prospect out there that's not just online, and that a friend can vouch for I feel more hopeful about the future.