Married fast? Too late? Completely stuck :/

[Complex]

Have you been remarried to each other, or were you M to someone else?

No we just had 2 weddings. One for the paperwork/greencard and a big one 4 months later. Sry for the confusion

[Complex]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. It is an awful feeling to be discarded by someone you love.

What things are you doing for yourself? You really need to focus on your own life and yourself right now. You can't control her actions or feelings.

Also, if she sees someone desperate to have her, that will just push her further away. Remember what you were like and the things you were doing when you and her first fell in love. What things do you different now?

I do a lot of research. Not only about my issues but about myself too. Soul searching a lot right now. I go see friends, go out a little bit. Work out more and getting more into work. Planning on visiting some work related seminars and classes and just try to continue my new life. Like I said I left my country and life for her but I'm back home right now and I'm convinced I want to stay in the US no matter what. It's my home now and I like it there.
I'm still the same person in general but back then I was more of a free spirit doing what I like. I actually played poker professionally and that allowede to move to the U.S. and then she loved me for who I truly am/was. I always was a very truthful and authentic person I think. Then I slowly moved into regular jobs and work since a year now. I enjoy it and I did it so I can build a normal life, to be mote secure and provide stability for my family. It was a transition and maybe I was too stressed in general this year. We also didn't have much time to take care of our relationship. It felt like life really ran us over this year with work and then the stress of buying a house.
There actually was someone at work that she liked before she met me (nothing ever happened). She told me she talked to him at work and started to have some sort of feelings for him. That's how she dropped the bomb by telling me.
I was crushed and she assured me she will cut the contact to work related things. They don't see each other much at work. But I guess he's still around. I'm absolutely sure she doesn't see him besides work and that she got over the idea of him because she does have the morale to not cheat on me. She assured me a couple of times he isn't actually the problem, he just triggered to dig a little deeper within herself and what she wants and that her feelings are gone. I trust her but I'm not sure what feelings or thoughts there are left. I wanted to confront her with it again and tell her I'm ok with the separation but I want to know if that guy is still in the picture and that we should open up our feelings to be fair to each other.
Just now she told me we misses me today bc she's with her family celebrating Christmas. I didn't respond to that comment.

[Complex]

Thanks for your reply Sandy2. I appreciate all of them a lot.

We were only together 1.25 years before we got married. Not even a year before engagement. She is 28 I'm 32 now.

I made mistakes behause I guess I'm just inexperienced to deal with this kind of issue. I had breakups but being married is a whole different league. But I still acted stupid, begging, talking to much, trying to convince her with my views and all that. All the things that either don't help or make things worse. Only my research online showed me that you basically have to do the opposite, which is totally against human nature haha. But my understanding is on a different level and I learn more every day. But it's hard still, very hard.

You're so right, we have to learn a lot to work together but we failed. We are both pretty stubborn in general which didn't help. We were fighting for our opinion all the time. Not about serious things, completely random sht. We didn't work together well at all whatever it was bc both of us just want stuff to be done our way. It was kind of a problem. I started to give in more and try to respect her more. Guess I didn't do that enough. But she doesn't respect me enough anymore at all seems like.

And yes, she wraps it nicely that she doesn't want me anymore because she doesn't want to hurt me. I want to tell her to open up to me and stop pretending things and get the facts out because I'm sick of it and at least want to be treated with honesty and respect. That's the least she can do.

I'm completely stuck still and don't know where this is going.

She obviously fell in love with me. If she says anything else I'd think she's just rewriting history to match her current feelings. But what do I know after all.

My game plan is to take care of myself, work hard to be able to keep myself in the US and build my own life here. Also not let her be in charge of all this anymore, I'm sick of it. I want to be in charge of this whole situation now. Separate for real, detach and try to stay occupied bc we stil have to live together. And then all I can do is see if she just went through a stupid phase or if it wasn't meant to be. I have hopes still, but who knows...

One thing I got myself clear: I do NOT want the old relationship back. If we have a single chance it's that we both grow from this, become better people and see the things in each other like we used to and start from scratch, with a whole different mindset and full respect for each other etc... Time will show but I secretly wish so badly that we will eventually get another chance one day, bc I truly love her.

[sandi2]

Which one needed the green card?

[Complex]

I did.
Now she keeps telling me that our marriage only exists on paper. That's it's a piece of paper. It's hurting so bad. I think it's so disrespectful. I'm crushed every single time I talk to her or see her I think. Her pure presence hurts sooo bad. I love her so much.
Before I met her I never thought I'll get married. She is the love of my life. I had long relationships before. The day I thought she is the woman of my life and my children I went in with full heart, with all I have and to honor our vows as long as I'm around, be her best friend and supporter and make her happy no matter what. I was never ever that serious about something in my life. And I thought she was thinking the same. I always had a feeling we are on the same level. My heart is shattered into a million pieces. And I know exactly if we get divorced I will probably never get fully over it. I will drag around my broken heart for a long time. I'm afraid of becoming bitter. I can not find words to describe my pain.

She told me we have time, there's no rush in divorcing and that we are friends. And that she's going to help me to stay and build my life hear if I want that.
I'm afraid time is going to kill me instead of going to help me.

[Complex]

I'll still be on vacation.
The situation is so hardened.

Basically my wife is 100% convinced I'm not the right person for her. And that there's no way to convince her.

I'm far away. I can't order Michelle's book from here and I can't get coaching or go to see a therapist. I need some quick fixes and advice. I'm trying to apply the 37 rules but it's hard. Especially over Christmas time. So hurtful.

Thank you so much. And Merry Christmas to everyone.

[Complex]

Plus I'm extremely afraid that a young marriage like mine cannot recover because we don't have much together, no children, only 2 years in and that my wife is just dead serious that we are not meant forever

[Complex]

Starting to feel better and more emotionally detached.
I'm more and more thinking that my wife is just pretty immature. She's a very independent woman and very mature, but not emotionally and relationship wise.

She never 100% respected me. She was never the super lovey dovey person, that's not her. But she's coming from a divorced family. Her mom just left from one day to the other and she grew up with dad and grandma. Now she has a better relationship to her mom. I don't know but it might play into this. First she told me she does not want to go through this ever, so now that she fell out of love so quick she wants to end it now instead of in 10 years with children involved.

We were a really cute couple and so in love and the whole marriage thing caused stress and we didn't comminicate intimately enough like we should've. Kind of immature. It was more of a boy and girlfriend relationship. From my and her side.

Now she completely lost it and wants to end it sooner than later. I don't think she fully understands the responsibilities that came with the marriage.
Or maybe it wasn't meant to be and there's no chance in the world for us :(((

I don't know...I wish someone who she trusts would tell her how immature, irresponsible and cowardly it is to ditch out so early....I'm on the mad side today
But I wish I would be the one that she respects and her live teacher, like she was mine in other things :(((

Do you guys think I'm right to be angry at her and that what she's doing is immature behavior?

Meery Christmas to everyone

[Complex]

I hope we all have a good Christmas in our rough times. Let's keep our heads up, enjoy the people and family we love...and focus on being strong in the new year!

[sandi2]

Okay, we get that she is the love of your life and you are devastated by all of this. My question is, what is she seeing when she looks at you?

Her heart is cold and she is not attracted to weakness. You will not win her by crying, pleading, professing your endless love, etc. It has a reverse affect on the walk away wife (WAW).

She will not respect you unless she sees you showing inner strength and firmness. Do not worry about this pushing her away b/c she will actually respect you for it. She may not tell you or even show it, but she will like you better when you stand up to her like a man.

Don't beg her to stay. Do not talk about the relationship. It only makes things worse. The best thing is to say, "This is not what I want, but will not stand in your way".

You cannot make another person love you. You cannot talk them into it. All you can do is back away and not put pressure on them. Sometimes, it will cause a WAW to reconsider.