Hey Card. I wanted to talk with you about a few things.
The first is that I get why you feel as you do about yourself. The person you loved and trusted most in the world, doesnt want to be with you at this time.
The thing about that is this. Our worth should not come from others. We get to define it. Now thats not to say that others feelings towards us dont matter. They do.
My mother was an alcoholic. I couldnt do anything right in her eyes. I tried my whole life to get her to like me.
I married a man who was controlling and condescending.
I allowed both of them to make me feel less than.
I realized that they were the mirrors I used to reflect back what they saw about me.
The thing is that they were both broken. So what was reflected back, wasnt true.
So, I needed to get new mirrors. As I grew, I watched how people responded to me.
I watched how people were around me.
I realized that my mother and my xh were wrong about me. So, I continued to look inside. I became the person I wanted to be.
When I did, I realized that I was worthy. I was enough.
I learned that what other people reflecte back was important, the most important mirror was the one I looked into. I had to determine my worth. I had to base it on who I had become. Was I a good person, a kind one. How did I live my life?
Because if we allow others to define us..we give them all the power. They dont get to have it. It's ours.
Be the person you choose to be. Be that person every day. Some days you make it, some you dont. But that should always be the goal.
The other thing is that we have no idea what the future holds. None. Anythiing could happen. You never would have forseen this, right?
That's just defeating thinking.
About hope. When you are ready, you have to start living your life. I mean really living it. Fill it up. Fill it with people and things and memories. Fill it with trying new stuff.
As you do, you start to realize that you are ok. When that happens, you can make a decision, if you want to, of leaving the door open a crack. So that if she looks to you, you make a decision about what you want from a place of strength.
Thats what I mean by having hope, but, not living in it.
About being there for her. I know that you worry that since you werent there for her the last few years, that you need to show her you are now.
I feel this way. She is telling you she doesnt want to be married. She needs you to hear that. You dont have to like it. But you do have to hear it.
You can be kind and compassionate without pursuing. You also need to have her live in the natural consequences of her actions. That doesnt mean you cause that, just that you allow it to unfold.
I know you are concerned about her. But maybe she doesnt get the help she needs because she gets it from you.
When I was depressed, as long as I had someone listen to me, I didnt really need to do the work. I poured my stuff out. They told me what they thought I wanted to hear and then I was good for a bit.
This doesnt mean you should be nasty. You should be the kind of person you want to be.
It doesnt mean you play games either. I hate games.
It just means that you fill up and live your life. So that you arent always around whenever she wants to dump on you. Because you are too busy living your life, ya know?
If she reached out and you want to answer, listen, say sorry you are feeling this way and on your way you go.
Fantastic words, ur. Thanks for sharing that about yourself and your history. And I can tell you put time and thought into your posts, which I appreciate. I don't just skim them. I paste them into my journal and think about them throughout the day. And you have the best username here, so sometimes I just think about your name. Even days that I don't believe it, your persistence here makes me believe that someday I will feel worthy again.
That mirror metaphor really gives me a much clearer picture of what living in self-worth really looks like. I think I was maybe 30% there before BD. Since then I've been at 0-5%. Before BD, I did live much of my life like I wanted to, like I believed one should live there life. I failed with porn, and I also failed by needing others to know about my good qualities or good deeds. And that defeats the purpose of giving (time, work, goods, money, love, etc.).
That desire has always led to an internal dialogue within myself. One voice is the side that wants others (especially women, it seems) to know I'm volunteering here or there, or tutoring someone, etc. The other voice is Matthew 6:1-4.
Last edited by Card29; 12/22/1402:10 AM.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Card, I've been reading your posts lately (I think a lot of us who have spouses who used porn have found them very helpful- so thank you for sharing - I know it must have been difficult). I remembered you posting a story about a high school girlfriend who broke up with you and how much that affected you (I apologize if I got the details wrong and it wasn't high school) and I see you have been with your wife since you were 19.
Since you've been an adult, have you ever been out on your own, and happy, while not in a relationship?
You have it right. Well there were almost two years between the HS breakup (that R only last led three months, but it was my first lost love so it still cut deep [relatively, lol]) and truly dating W. And I was very happy during those two years. I wasn't pursuing any R, and since I was a virgin by choice, I really wasn't chasing girls outside of an R, either. I was enjoying time with friends, focusing on school after an abysmal first semester of college, doing work/volunteering for a Christian student union on campus, getting into the spirit of the college athletic teams, playing lots of pickup basketball at the student activity center, etc. W was the one who pursued me for a few months before I committed.
For a few years during my M, the worst of the years for me (sex virtually non-existent, W taking any and all frustrations out on me), I wished that I had had more "on my own" time. I settled into the M, though, then fell back in love with W.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
W asked me multiple times to go to the mall with her this morning, so I went. Just helped her pick out a couple of gifts. It was the first time she's asked me to do anything that had nothing to do with house, finances, D2 or a D2 handoff. Not reading much into it. I left early while she still had a couple of things to do
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Also, we officially split finances today. It didn't bother me too much because that was in motion months ago.
At the mall, I was warm and friendly, but I don't think I pursued. I didn't offer any outward support like I did via text the last few days, just kept it light. I certainly didn't mention anything about the M or anything we talked about last week.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I just wanted to follow up on my question from yesterday. I'm glad to hear you had that period in your life, because that gives you a touchstone to get back to, a time in your life when you were happy and fulfilled without a relationship being involved.
raliced, thank you. I think that for the much of the last 8 or so years, I've had a mild-to-moderate case of "I want what I don't have" syndrome. For a while I was jealous of my friends who were still playing video games and going wherever they wanted all of the time. Then there was a period that felt suffocated because I didn't live next to a lake. Then there was a couple of years where I really wished I was more free to play more golf. Then I found snowboarding and couldn't stand the fact that I didn't live less than 1,000 miles from a decent mountain. And now of course, after neglecting my W for so long, I am hurt by the thought that she is not there for me and I can't be there for her. This is a cycle that I need to break forever. Treasure and be thankful for what I have. It's going to take work for me to treasure my current life, even though I know I have it better than most people in the world.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Yes, it's a pointless exercise wanting what you don't have. Unless it's a change you really want to make and you're gonna go for it.
Much better to work on thankfulness. I've been trying to do that recently - think of a few things each day that I'm thankful for that day...it's surprising how much there is. And it does help you feel lucky - kind of 'glass half full' rather than 'missing out'... :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
