H's MLC#6- Now its about ME!

[123Gwen]

2Bhappy - the cost of divorce really depends on your sitch and where you live. You need to talk to any atty if only for an hour to get some sound advice. In my state child support is a straight formula. That being said you may not be able to depend on it.

Definitely get things in order if only to gain some strength. Just knowing you would be okay on your own is going to make you feel better about yourself.

Emotionally we are vulnerable over the holidays. You've been at this a long time and sometimes it is hard to grasp the long view of what you are gaining and losing with D. Take it slow and be kind to yourself.

One more thing...I have a neighbor who is living with her son's father as roommates only after a long term relationship. it was bumpy but now they all seem to handle it in a relaxed manner. It is not ideal but she says she is actually happy again and prefers this option to a complete split. There aren't any rules about what makes a family.

[woundedfool]

Sorry to harp on this, but you really do need to recharge. It is good you are thinking through some of the decisions before you make them.

While you sit on this and think about it. IMMEDIATELY: Re-Read DR Part 1 "The Divorce trap", CH 1 "The Not So Great Escape"

[mleigh4]

Hello, I am so sorry you are in this place right now. It's so draining. I am with woundedfool. Step back and recharge. If you start thinking D and what comes with that it gets overwhelming. We get your frustration, but I think you need to remember that you are asking for things your H is not in a state to give right now. With demands are going to come silence along with pushing him further away.

Is that what you really want? Are you ready to take that step to D? If you have any doubts, step back.

I am reminded of a post I think I saw on Caliguys thread and I think of this a lot in my own Sitch:

What do you need to be able to give H space to figure himself out while being able to live in harmony?

Is there a compromise you can come to where you can both be happy in this temporary sitch? I stress the word temporary - you won't live like this forever.

What would it look like to you to believe that H is ready for an R with you?

The more you demand and give ultimatums, the more he will revert back to his tunnel. Do you really want that or do you want to make your current sitch work until you are BOTH ready to move in one direction or the other?

You can't force it. You have to accept that and decide how long you can go to wait for that

Please try to take some time for yourself. Do things that make you happy and recharge.

[2BHappy]

@Wounded
Being totally honest....I'm not just into reading the DR or DB books again right now, just dont have the motivation to read them

I know I should, but I just dont see the point,,,,

[2BHappy]

@Mleigh4

I dont know what a compromise would look like,,,not sure if I can even figure that out right now.

I do know for some reason lately the pain of finding out about the OW has come back,,,not sure why but it has.

I feel like right now I need some real space, need H to be in his own space.

S14 ask me last night why do I make dad sleep on the couch every night,,,why is he in the dog house...

So s14 thinks I have his dad sleeping on the couch..

I told him his dad falls asleep watching TV after work and that his dad is sleeping there because he wants to.

[2BHappy]

@gwen
Iwould have to not have any feelings of attachment for my H to continue living with him.
And he needs to stop acting like Im his wife when he needs something

[2BHappy]

OMGoodness
This has been going on since July 2013, 1 year and 5months. I don't really know if my H is MLC or WAS or just done with our M. I know that really does not matter...

All I know is ever since I started to really feel done, done standing, done caring, done pretending my emotions have started to go up and down again..WHY WHY WHY I thought once I was done that last thing I would have to deal with is the emotional up and downs. It seems like now again everything can start up the emotional roller coaster, all I can say is I can quickly get back on track and move on with my day, nothing like last year, or last summer even.

I think the other thing that is happening is I know I have been stuffing everything down with food, and believe me I have the weight to show it. Now that I have decided to STOP doing that, these feelings got me all over the place. And this NOT talking to H about how I really feel pisses me OFF. I want to yell scream cuss and tell the world he is not who you think he is!!!

He is a cheater, he is a pretender, a liar!!!!!

His life appears to be smooth because I still help him, remind him of birthdays, keep him inform of what is going on with stepkids, grandkids, his siblings etc.

I listen to him whenever he needs to vent about his work, when he is sick I take care of him, I make sure the house has everything it needs.

I don't ask him about his comings and goings, if he ask me about my comings and goings I tell him.

I invite him places if I think he needs to be invited or friends invited him , with no expectation that he will go.

Does he know how much he hurt me, does he care, does he know our M is about to be truly over, does he care?

At this point I dont even want to think about another R, I dont want to ever hurt like this again!!!!

I admit I was a WAS in the past.

I dont want to do this anymore,,,my goal to wait 3 months, WOW to test out paying bills and saving his 1/2 to see the reality of him not being here..seems almost impossible to wait another 3 months.

I have to detach more, detach to the point of no return to R, I dont think I can ever trust H again!!!

And then for my son to think I put his dad on the couch, WTF why would he think that? Im struggling to keep smile on my face and keep the peace, when I feel like going the F off and letting everyone know what H is..

Oh wow as I type here H ask me to make breakfast for s14, they are heading out christmas shopping,,then said if I'm not tooo busy WTF this is what Im talking about,,leave me alone, stop asking me anything, leave me alone

OMGoodness, I'm on the edge

[2BHappy]

OK So I went an got a much needed mani/pedi.

Then did some christmas shopping. Going to plan some GAL during my vacation time so I can stay busy mentally & physically.

I feel a little better..

When I got home H was just leaving for work and he said "I called your cell" I told him I did not hear it, what did you need..

H said "nothing now" with a attitude. Get the F out of here really really...WHAT DO YOU WANT from me?

I need to find an outlet for these held in emotions, for these things I want to say to my H.

I have no idea what if any phase my H is in.

I just know I feel like I'm slipping back into a bad place emotionally:(

[Matt165]

So sorry to hear about how you are feeling.
I felt the same way back after B-day before W left. She always expected me to be the same caring H I had been before but not expect ANYTHING from her at all. Even when my D14 (at the time) would get angry at her and start to stand up for herself, W would say "Talk to your D and tell her she can't speak to me that way", like I was even supposed to help her R with her own D, no matter how she was acting.

Your H, like my W, isn't able to think of anyone BUT himself. He is totally fixated on HIM. He is a victim, he is the injured party, you are the bad guy, the cause of all that bad "stuff" he is feeling. He can't be trusted to act in any way but in his own self interest.

I know from experience how hard it is, believe me. You have every right to be angry, every right to expect to be heard AND listened to. The thing is, your H can't do it. He just isn't able. He won't be able to for a long time, if ever. What does he want from you? Anything and everything. What does he think he owes you? Nothing. That has been the hardest thing for me to realize. My W, your H...they don't play by any rules except it's all about THEM. Just know that even if you yelled and told him all you want to say, it would be like talking to a wall. It wouldn't mean anything to him except proving you are out to stop him from getting what he feels he needs to be happy. You might feel better after but it wouldn't have any effect on him at all but to make things worse.

Enjoy the holidays as best you can. Get through the stress of it all. Do your best to detach. And remember...you are not alone, we are all with you in spirit!

[2BHappy]

Thank you Matt

I know its a waste of my time to expect anything from H at this time, or to even voice to him my needs.

I prayed and GOD allowed my mind and spirit to calm down. I was then able to just look at the good around me, my H issues, My M is just one thing in my life and I have to stop giving it soo much power.

H talked to s14 about sleeping on the couch it was interesting, H states that he does not sleep on the couch he watches TV after work, falls alseep, then once he wakes up he gets in our bed to sleep.

We have friends who has constantly ask us to get together for cards, well they ask again over the weekend, and H actually came home last night and ask me to call them to see if they can play today after work, wants them to come to our home.

Wow,,,now that I'm wanting/needing some distance he wants to get together with friends. Go figure