You didn't think I was gone for good, did you?! Ha ha...
Update since Thanksgiving...Finally got W to respond to my email regarding half of the dissolution cost. What started out as an email conversation about legal matters slowly turned into W saying how much she missed me and how much pain she was in. How her feelings for me had changed, specifically in these past 3 mos as she had done a lot of reading, soul searching and reflecting on why she is who she is. That everytime she had thought about coming to me about seeing if we could work things out, we'd get into an argument or I'd make her feel worse about herself.
At some point in the email exchange, we agreed to meet in person since we weren't getting much accomplished through email. We ran into each other a few times over the past few weeks and she was friendly towards me, although she kept postponing our talk for various reasons (sick, too busy, etc).
So we finally agreed to meet last night for dinner to discuss Christmas and to talk about us. Some take aways... *She's been looking inside herself recently and starting to see things in me that she misses. *She was somewhat open about OM and how things ended (she realized she needed to be on her own) *She enjoys having her own place and being able to have the kids stay over. 4 mos left on her lease. *She asked about when I was going to church Christmas Eve (I assume she'll want to go with the kids and I) and asked about staying the night for Christmas morning. Told her I didn't know how I felt about that- although it might be best for the kids, I didn't want to confuse them with why she was staying at the house. *Past instances of infidelity- W gave some details and admitted she was way too drunk both times, but a kiss was all that happened both times. As much as I'd like to believe her, I have about 0% trust in her right now, so I don't know. She also admitted to 1 other time about a yr after we married. She never told me about any of these instances as she thought the best way to deal with them was to learn about what caused them and take steps to correct it. *On the above note, she has given up (or at least limited) her drinking.
I do get the sense that she's 'coming around', for a lack of a better word. I'm not sure if it's living on her own, the fact that I was ready to move forward with D or a combination of everything, but it does appear that she's finally coming out of 'la la' land and making some decisions to better herself.
So the question is- Am I still open to R? Would I still be considering it if I wasn't?? Am I a pushover for even considering a R with her?? Maybe those are rhetorical questions.
I realize that with all the questions I may have, I will never get an answer from W that will make me 'happy' or that I will agree with. Our conversation was positive in that we both were able to speak our peace without getting into a fight. It got heated a few times, but we both understood that we weren't always going to agree on things, so moved past it. I think if there is any type of R for us in the future, that was 1 of many conversations that needed to take place. I need to do a better job of just being friendly with her, to see where things lead. I did get the sense that she'd like to start hanging out with me, but I'll let her extend the invites. I need to do a lot of thinking...
It is up to you as to what you really want. I suspect that you desire a R with W. Understandable.
First things first. It is very important that you not allow W back in too easy. She needs to work hard at it and earn your trust.
Your W has her own process and so do you. It is important that you honor them.
Yes, it is good to behave like a friendly neighbor until you feel W has her both feet in the R/M. As Starsky reported here, it took him a good 3 to 6 months for the complete withdrawal from XOM and 2 years for the M to gel. It is not an overnight process, Tar.
You might want to take a look at Sho's thread over in Infidelity as there are some parallels between your sitches.
I know it hurts like a SOB because you can finally see a glimmer of hope and it can reignite your fires and a little bit of hope is a dangerous thing. I agree with Wonka. Tread lightly...
Good to hear from you, buddy, and Merry Christmas!
For advice that's better and more thorough than I have time to give you at the moment, I'd refer to theoden's EXCEPTIONAL advice given to Shodan recently on his threads on the Infidelity forum here. There are some CRITICAL things that nearly all successful reconciliations have in common, and there are some CRITICAL MISTAKES that happen in the ones that don't "stick."
fwiw, I don't think you're crazy for leaving your heart open to your wife and to your intact family. I do think your wife is far from ready, however, based on what you just posted. Your position right now should be "Hmmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore. I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."
Thanks guys and gals. Although I haven't posted lately, I have been checking in from time to time on various threads and Shodan's has been one I've been following closely.
Starsky- you're correct in that W is far from ready. We did talk last night on our failed MC attempt. We both agreed that she wasn't ready. She even wondered aloud if things needed to get worse (ex- discuss difficult topics) before they got better. The difference is- I went into MC knowing that, she didn't. She also admitted that she was hoping MC would help her get those feelings back/ make her want to save the M. And when they didn't, well she bailed. We talked through how you have to go into it 100% committed otherwise it won't succeed. I tried my best not to be 'preachy' with her (I think I did well) and not come across as desperate for her to come back (as I'm still torn). I've learned from our previous failed MC sessions that I will not be all in until I'm convinced she is as well.
If nothing else, I'm proud of both of us for the conversation last night. We were able to talk about some difficult topics that would have caused W to shut down mos ago. We talked about trust and how last night's conversation had to occur for us to have even a friendly relationship.
Any suggestions on how to handle Christmas? I think the common advice would be to do my own thing and allow W to feel the consequences of her decision, however several of her comments gave me the impression that she'd like to start working on our friendship if there is to be a R.
I would encourage you to work with W to make this Christmas holiday a special one for your family. It takes time for the feelings to come back and it starts with one baby step...then it'll snowball from there.
You would want W to walk away from this Christmas holiday with warm feelings about you, the kids, and the family unit. She will have nothing but positive memories of it. That is a part of the process in re-attracting W back to you.
Personally, I would draw the line at W staying the night. It is up to you. I do worry about the emotional impact on you if you were to allow W to stay the night.
Interesting story to share...So last night a friend of mine (who has been there for me since day 1 and knows all the 'players' in my sitch) texts me from a bar/restaurant saying that he's sitting next to, and just talked with, OM and the girl who let W stay with her for the past year. He sent me pics to confirm it was OM and was ready to go all 'Dawgy' on him if I gave the word. When he asked OM if the girl was his wife, he responded 'No, it's my girlfriend's best friend.' I called W (I know, bad call) and she knew nothing about it, other than the two were friends. W also said she hadn't spoken with OM in probably a month, which another source appears to confirm. She seemed taken off guard.
If nothing else, this sitch has really made me realize who my true friends are. I know I can't pick her friends, but I've known this girl for probably 10 years. She's like an aunt to my kids. And now you're hanging out in a one on one setting with the guy who my W had an A with?! I have no logical explanation other than he's looking to hook up with her (she's very gullible and naive) or he's fishing for info on my W. Tells you a lot about his character.
On an unrelated note, going out with 4 couples tonight for a Christmas dinner. Is it awkward being a 'third wheel'? Sure, but I'm fine with it at this point.
I got caught up in the moment the other day and asked W if she'd like to come over for dinner tomorrow night. I slyly tried to rescind the offer, but she accepted. We seem to be getting along better recently- she reaches out to me occasionally, but there's still some coldness on my part. I know it's not a good idea to put a time frame on things, but I'm really considering seeing how the next 3-4 mos goes before taking any action. W has 4 mos left on her condo before the owners want to put it on the market, so she'll either have to line up another place (for another 6 mos?) or we're in a good enough place to discuss her moving back to the house. Not pressuring her or the situation, just keeping that in the back of my head.
W came over tonight- I fixed dinner, then we wrapped Christmas presents while watching tv. Talked, joked around, got along fine. Was tempted to ask about her friend/OM, but resisted. Weird how we can have these interactions like nothing's changed....
