Still doing LRT....

[Sotto]

Although I feel calmer, my mind is still on filing for D. H checked out of our M this time last year. My 'pain' started in March, when I discovered EA. Then BD in July with PA admitted.

I feel our M deserves a year at least. Am I able to give longer? IDK. I just need to let all of this settle and decide. I'm going to re-read why D doesn't solve things as homework and think about that too.

But I have started writing down points to raise when we have the D conversation, which I'm sure I will initiate at some point if nothing shifts.

*I want to let you know that I'm preparing to file for D
*Where we are is not my choice. My wish would be for us still to be together
*But - I don't want to be married to someone who's in a R with someone else
*I have heard you and thought about all you have said
*I understand you became unhappy with your life
*I love and respect you enough that I need to let you go now
*I'm moving on now. It's been a tough time, but I'm feeling optimistic now
*I know I'll be okay, and I'm finding happiness again
*I hope you'll find happiness too
*We can talk about practical aspects today, or another time if you prefer?
*I'd like us to agree who will file and on what grounds
*We also need to think about how we want the D process to happen
*My solicitor has explained options like collaboration or mediation, and court
*Do you want to take some time to think and we can talk next week?
*I can then ask my L to write to you and confirm intentions.

Am I ready to do this and really start moving on? I'm not sure, but it's so on my mind that I need to get it out and explore it. And any comments and thoughts from my lovely DB friends would be welcome...

[Ggrass]

Tooth toot toots,

We are in the same place. Pretty much one year point and it's still on with ow.

You know my thread, but I'm looking have been looking and will be looking at new people in my life. Both male and female. I wasn't allowed male friends. Simple.

You will be ok, and h might regret stuff, but anyhow that's his to own.

[edz]

Hi toots

I think you know from my postings but i set myself a line of June/July (1 year at that point) for this very reason. I think it means not only do I have a framework that helps me to deal with what's happening and give myself internal permission to detatch which helped enormously but also means I dont feel its an eternity ahead with no control other than w being able to end it. So what happens in July? No idea, not a point to worry on yet, that's the point. In July we may have moved on toward r or d or may be the same no idea... Yet.

I like your list idea but I'd take it one stage further, write it all down the ideas the plans and everything else and put it in a nice box. Know you thought about it all, know you're prepared but ...put it in that box. Obviously if you need to do anything to make sure you're secure do that first but for the rest... Work it out in your mind, write it down and put it in the box.you will know if its time to open it or to seal it for good.

For me, I've had dozens of conversations with w on r and d ....of course she wasn't there and I was talking, raving or bawling at a sofa cushion but it worked for me to get to the place I'm in now. No idea if its right or points to me having major issues but it worked for me of course there was counselling too and the books and the forum but we all need to process our own way. As I said to Jim theres no one way for detatching or processing all this, were all wired differently!

Take it easy matey.

[Sotto]

Thanks GG and Edz. GG, it's true isn't it. We know that WAS will often come to regret their choices. When? We've no idea.

Edz, thanks so much for your thoughts. When you say to write down all the ideas, plans and everything else in a box - do you mean include the other options to?

Option A - file for D
Option B - wait until July etc?

I think taking it a stage further is a good idea, but I'm not sure I understood....Sorry to be a little dense....

[edz]

Hi Toots

sorry was probably me was pooped by then but we had some horrid weather down here so couldnt sleep!

I meant the plans for D, what you want to say, how you feel now, if you want you could also write a long letter explaining it all and put that in there too. The idea was to allow you to get it out from tormenting you and ready but not necessarily jump into the action.

If you feel it is time to file then you have everything ready to go if not it can stay in the box. Of course if you are ready then go for it but, to me, if you're asking yourself that question it would seem you have some doubt in whether you're ready hence the box. Of course I could be completely wrong

Either way you should think whats best for Toots, yes I understand recognising the others feelings but be careful to listen to yours first and foremost and if you're not sure but you're secure, get off the bus and think about the destination (twice in a week ive used that quote, still cant remember where its from although I keep attributing it in my head to my granny!)



Take it easy
Edz

[Sotto]

Hi Edz

Thanks so much for that. I think that's exactly right. It is going round in my mind, and I think I needed to 'open the D box and start investigating it.' I am still unsure, but I can also feel the pendulum swinging a little closer towards D - you know?

I think I probably just need to 'get it out and explore it' for a bit - and then it may well go back into the box for a bit.

For a while I thought I would never file, because I didn't/dont want our M to end. But that is starting to shift for me. So I'm a little torn between wanting to exert some control on the process and move it along (Mrs fixit, work mode, lets push this forward) and dread of thinking, perhaps I should have given it longer, maybe we could have saved things.

So, I will give it some more thought and post further - but more on the basis of exploring things now for possible use later....At least I'm not feeling as scared of possible D as I once was :-)

[edz]

Hi Toots,

yup good plan, if for no other reason than facing fears is the best way to deal with them, takes away the unknown (within reason of course).

I do understand, I have no idea how my sitch will end and I accept that, as you know I've idly wondered is it a better plan just to d and when I feel ready look to meet someone new, at the moment no but ultimately who knows?

W and I may be back together by Christmas next year, divorced and seeing other people, exactly as we are now or something else (although right now I want the first on the list) the only constant thing I can deal with is me and my r with s.

So I can understand the wanting to take control back, as a mr fixit its tempting to the psyche to say whatever outcome is better than inaction but sometimes waiting is the best action and waiting while getting informed even better.



Edz

[Sotto]

A bit of a sad day for me today. Weeks ago, H & I agreed we should look for a new home for our rabbit. She is very social, and whilst we've had a pet lady calling in twice a day when H is away, it isn't the best situation for her.

He has texted me today to say he has found a potential new home for her - it sounds ideal in terms of her happiness, so I'm glad for her. But it will be sad to let her go. I'm going up to the house next week, so I will get to say my goodbyes to her then.

I know it's the right thing for her, but she was very much a 'family' rabbit, and her leaving feels like part of the dismantling of our lives together....

[edz]

Sorry Toots

I may have missed some of the background here, can you not have her?

Hugs...

[Sotto]

I'm in a rental flat now, so I couldn't have her here. I did wonder whether to bring her down here though. She could be in the garage at Mum & Dad's - but I would need to call in every morning and evening if she was - which isn't ideal. Mum has dementia and Dad looks after her full time, so I can't add to his load. And I still don't think that's the best life for her.

I'm also sad because H really loves the rabbit, and part of me wondered whether he would actually go ahead with the rehoming. The fact that he has and is facing this consequence says to me that he is determined to move forwards - and away from our M....mind reading I know..