Inside my chrysalis 9

[uRworthy]

Hope you get some answers about your daughter. Good for you for trying to get help. Knowledge is power.

As far as your h, glad to see you can both co parent.

What do you mean you dont know if you come off as detached?

I used to talk to myself (yea, dont judge...lol). I used to say I am in control of my life. I get to be who I want and he doesnt get a say in it. I also used to challenge myself regarding him. I used to think...he is going to see who I am becoming. Someone with strength and dignity. And maybe, when he gets his act together..I will CONSIDER reconnecting with him. So,yea, stuff like that..til I really believed it. Then I didnt even have to think of all that anymore. I just lived it.

[Georgiabelle]

Holidays are difficult indeed. Hope you get some answers regarding your d. Sending you positive energy:)

[Ss06]

Man, today was rough.

The three of us had tickets to see The Nutcracker with a friend and her daughter. H comes over to pick us up, compliments me on how i look, I return the compliment. We pile in the car and drive to meet our friends' for lunch before the performance. You'd think we weren't separated. Laughing, coparenting our crazy, bouncing-off-the-wall kid (who has recently been taken off her medication making things like The Nutcracker very difficult). Enjoyed lunch, drove to the performance... H insisted on sitting next to D. I knew it was to keep her in line but his version of keeping D in line has a tendency to make things worse.

It's a fact. At least if you ask me. H thinks it's me criticizing him. Obviously I kept my mouth shut but I could predict what was going to happen.

1. D was going to act out
2. H would try to physically restrain her in the middle of a ballet
3. D would fight back and could get loud
4. H would continue to physically restrain her and NOT be successful at calming her
5. At intermission H would say, "we need to go, D can't handle this"

Guess what?! All 5 happened! Grrr!

I talked with D during intermission, told her we were on a team together and that if she felt fidgety to just hold my hand and we'd work it out together. We could play hand games or she could play with something from my purse to keep her hands occupied but it was not ok to:
1. talk or make noise during the performance
2. stand up or walk around
3. start a fight with daddy

We went back to our seats and I told H that we were staying. His eye roll meant "ok, well, she's your responsibility then".

No sense of team work. No "we're in this together". No, "i know this is hard but you're doing a good job". Nope. Of course not.

She did GREAT during Act II. She read the program and could see what dance was coming up next. She recognized the music from her piano classes and we talked in whispers about which instrument was playing, etc. It went well.

Afterwards, H said, "good job". Ok, I'll take it.

Drove home and we were talking about all the paperwork I filled out for D's assessment at Children's Hospital. I asked him if we could go over it together in case I left something out or should rephrase something.

We got to the house, I went upstairs to change. I came downstairs and saw him bent over the paperwork with a stack of post-its. He was going over his "corrections" with me.

I calmly said, "can we go over this together? this feels like you're correcting my term paper and I'd hoped this would be more collaborative or more of a discussion rather than you criticizing 6 hours of my work."

He sighed heavily and said, "sure, ok"

We got to page 4 of 56 and started to argue. He was arguing that D biting her nails is the "exact same" as D putting her entire fist in her mouth and biting down. The question specifically asked, "Has your child in the past 3 months hit her neck or throat, tried to bite entire fist or blah, blah, blah"

HE thought yes, I thought no. He wanted to call it quits. I said as calmly as I could (which i think was pretty calm actually) that what I really was hanging on to was that was absolutely no recognition for the 6+ hours I put into the paperwork already only for him to criticize and imply that I'd "done it wrong".

He said he felt like I was saying he didn't know or observe our daughter and that his opinion had no value. I heard him and I told him so.

We tried again.

This time i REALLY tried to show him I was listening and that his opinion had value. I changed the answer on the question and said, "I dont' think nail biting is the same as fist gnawing but we'll put 'yes' down and we can explain further down here, ok?"

HE seemed ok with that. Whew.

After about 20 more minutes of talking things over I thanked him for trying again, for not walking away from it and apologized for being hot under the color.

He thanked me for putting in the effort of filling it out in the first place, understood where I might have been coming from even though he disagreed. He then said, "its hard because that was triggering a lot of things for me, you know? It's like a 'Nam vet hearing bombs go off, you know?"

I'm sorry? Did my H just equate dealing with me to a Vietnam veteran having PTSD after coming back from war?

Dramatic much? That was hard to let go and not touch but I did.

I also didn't try to make him understand how hard it was for me. WE always did that. We wanted credit for how hard something was for us. HE made his point with the vietnam reference. I didn't feel like it made any sense to draw up some metaphor for how hard it was for met to compromise with him.

At the end I said, "but we did it, we came together, we worked it out and we powered through and came out better for it. I'm glad we did that."

And then half jokingly said, "and I'm sure you hate me and are super resentful but you can take your resentment and fester in it later".

HE laughed but I know that's just what he's doing. Mindreading, yes.

Gosh that was hard. IT's even harder that instead of seeing the changes in that scenario, the changes from just 6 months ago to now, H is dwelling on the things that were the same.

I hate the things that were the same. Hate them.

A separation, an undiagnosed troublesome child with SEVERE behavior problems, the holidays, erratic schedules, 18 years of pain, no support from friends (abandoned much?)...

It's almost too much for me to handle.

I will say this though:

In that moment when H and I were arguing I felt unafraid. I didn't shut my mouth and cow-tow to his wishes because I was afraid THIS would be the deciding factor on whether he would want to work on our marriage.

It felt strange to give value to my own argument, my own opinion and not wonder if it had validity to H or not. It has validity simply because it was my opinion. I gave it value.

And guess what? I don't feel resentment that I did the compromising and H did not. It was a choice and I picked my battle. The issue wasn't worth me second guessing myself for the next three weeks. AND, me picking my battle doesn't mean I sacrificed the value of my opinion.

These are all very big for me. BIG.

My heart hurts though. It hurts because I can see in H's eyes that he sees no change. I can see that he still sees himself as this beaten down war veteran with napalm memories. Really?

His self-victimization is starting to make me not like him as as person.

There are no purple hearts for a bad marriage.

[Lorelai]

I hear ya, SS! Mine has a flair for the dramatic as well. You're a lot further along than I am. Right now we can't even discuss the kids without him getting defensive and saying I'm taking a tone when it's just my normal voice. It's like, if my tone is so awful that it makes you want to run, maybe I shouldn't even go out in public because this is just me talking normally and based on the way you're acting, I must scare the whole world when I talk to people. Sorry for the hijack but so much of what you write resonates with me. Our son is still very little but he's in full-time state-paid preschool in an excellent program in our area that he got accepted to because of his behavior. He has so much trouble listening and wants to control everything and his teachers say he's extremely intelligent and way ahead of kids his age in terms of vocabulary and his imagination, but he's extremely strong-willed and that could affect him later academically. H of course makes this all about him and how he just hates that his son got accepted into a special program. Meanwhile I'm the one running around getting all the help we can so he can get as good a start as possible before kindergarten and realizing that this program is a good opportunity to help him grow and get the skills he needs and that this isn't about me and H, it's about our child and helping him in any way we can, which is our job as parents.
Sorry again for the hijack! Sounds like you did a great job with your D. Sometimes talking to kids and letting them know what to expect and giving them options like you did with the squeezing your hand works better than physical restraint or other forms of discipline.

[Calibri]

HE thought yes, I thought no.

I agree with you. (Not that rando person over the internets agreement matters, but you know.....)

He thanked me for putting in the effort of filling it out in the first place, understood where I might have been coming from even though he disagreed. He then said, "its hard because that was triggering a lot of things for me, you know? It's like a 'Nam vet hearing bombs go off, you know?"

Seriously? Seriously!?!

Dramatic much? That was hard to let go and not touch but I did.

I applaud you for this. I would've lost my [censored]. I think that shows great growth.

And then half jokingly said, "and I'm sure you hate me and are super resentful but you can take your resentment and fester in it later".

Wow. That's a very telling statement right there. Did you reply back?

I hate the things that were the same. Hate them.

I think H acted the same. I think you kept your cool and showed tremendous growth and restraint.

A separation, an undiagnosed troublesome child with SEVERE behavior problems, the holidays, erratic schedules, 18 years of pain, no support from friends (abandoned much?)..

I remember reading about your friends and (if I remember correctly) that you felt isolated or not important to them with your sitch? How's that situation going?

In that moment when H and I were arguing I felt unafraid. I didn't shut my mouth and cow-tow to his wishes because I was afraid THIS would be the deciding factor on whether he would want to work on our marriage.

Good. Continue to find your voice you cannot be afraid to speak and be yourself. (Please remind me of this for myself - I'm facing this as well.)

My heart hurts though. It hurts because I can see in H's eyes that he sees no change. I can see that he still sees himself as this beaten down war veteran with napalm memories. Really?

Do you think he truly sees no changes? Or could he be feeling it out to see if they're sticking? Old habits die hard. While he may or may not see changes within you, it's appears to me there are no changes with him.

His self-victimization is starting to make me not like him as as person.

Gave you read about the persecutor, rescuer, victim triangle? I've been reading about it a lot. And an interesting thing I've come across in the literature is the theory that some people are unwilling to hop off the victim roles that launch themselves into, because of a variety of things: familiarity, satisfaction, etc.

There are no purple hearts for a bad marriage. [quote=Ss06]

No, there isn't. And I wish you could say that to him.


I think you did smashing in the face of what sounds like a very trying day. I understand how disappointed you might feel. I wish I had something to say that would make it better. But the changes you've made, they're making you a better person and in the end, that's the best.

Thinking of you lots with the holidays and your d. We may have to bat signal via the land of Facebook.

[labug]

I thought the comment about flashbacks was related to having to think about all the behaviors of your D. Could that have been what he was referring to.


If your H had filled out the form with his own answers and then asked to go over it with you, would you have changed things on it or suggested changes?

I sometimes do the asking for help thing but I really only want "help" if you agree with what I've already done. I've gotten much better about that but the need to be right/perfectionism still surfaces and flexes.

What would the outcome had been if you had included all of his answers? He does have his independent observations and wasn't correcting your work so much as relating his experience, which has value. This is also difficult for him.

Can you reframe that episode in your mind?

You're doing great, this stuff is hard.

[claire7]

Labug, this is such good advice. My H used to say that I never gave him the "benefit of the doubt"-- that I always assumed that something he said or did was intentionally hurtful, instead of innocuous, or even positive in a way.

I though the 'Nam comment was related to flashbacks of his own childhood?

Point is, who the heck knows what he was thinking?

[Calibri]

how are you doing Ss?

Have you had a chance to read the mindful awareness book that you ordered? I think it might bring some peace to you right now.

Hope you're getting through the holidays as best as you can.

[Card29]

Ss06, haven't commented towards you in a while. I hope you're having a great day.

[Elsa]

Just checking on you, Ss. Hope you're busy enjoying Hanukkah!